Chapter 11 #2
He walked a step closer, a grin still lingering on his lips.
“What is freely given is far less valuable. I should like to know how you take your tea, yes, but I should much rather like to know why you seemed to hate me from our very first interaction.” His eyes shone with amusement, but also curiosity.
“Never before have I felt such animosity from a stranger.”
My heart twisted with regret. Was that truly the impression I had made? I looked away from his face. “I do not hate you.”
“Is that is to be your secret, then?”
I looked up. “You mustn’t tell anyone.”
“I shall not reveal it to a soul. You may carry on with the glaring and menacing words, and only I will know you don’t mean any of it.”
It seemed impossible, but I was fighting a smile. “Some of it will remain sincere, I assure you.”
He dropped his head and chuckled. It was deep and rich, and somewhat endearing. Surely I had injured my head today along with my hand. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been thinking such nonsense.
“And if you must know,” I said, lifting my chin. “I take my tea with one sugar cube and precisely three drops of cream.”
He stared at me for a long moment before shaking his head in amusement. “Of course you do.”
“What does that mean?” My voice was far too defensive.
“You do seem like the sort of woman who knows precisely what she wants.” He laughed. “I pity the person who makes the mistake of adding a fourth drop to your cup.”
My jaw lowered in dismay before I snapped it closed again. “You misjudge me. I would be most gracious and forgiving.”
He raised a skeptical eyebrow. “But what if they only added two?”
“Then I would scold them most heartily.” A smile twisted my lips, and then James’s.
We both laughed, and for a moment I forgot about the searing pain in my hand and the humiliation of my new deformity.
I forgot the reality that I would now never have the life and marriage I always wanted, that no one could love me, or that I had lost my music.
I just remembered James’s smile, and I tucked it inside of my heart like a gift.
How on earth had he made me smile at a time like this? It didn’t make sense.
The door swung open and Mr. Watkins marched in the room, a small case hanging at his side. “Oh, dear.” He stopped. “Have I interrupted something?”
James’s gaze fell away from my face and he cleared his throat. “No, indeed.” He took a step back and ushered the small man forward.
When the surgeon reached my side, Mrs. Abbot and her daughters entered the room followed by Clara and Miss Bentford.
“I would suggest you avert your eyes, miss,” the surgeon said.
“I don’t carry smelling salts, and I would like to prevent any fainting.
” Mr. Watkins began peeling back the first layer of bandages.
I was overwhelmingly curious, but I did as I was told, keeping my eyes trained on the ceiling. I was grateful he had asked me to look away. As much as I wanted to see my hand, I was afraid of what I would see. Perhaps if I didn’t see it, then I could try to forget the deformity even existed.
Clara sat beside me on the sofa, and I glanced in her direction. We had hardly spoken since the day before when I had been anything but kind to her. Yet she had still been kind to me. Why did these things keep happening?
I assumed the surgeon was on the final layer because I had to bite my lip against the pain. The bandage was sticking to the raw wounds. When he finished, I felt the touch of air against my hand. It was exposed. I was tempted to look, but my heart thudded with dread.
“You have fetched the water?” Mr. Watkins glanced at a maid who I hadn’t noticed enter the room. She handed him a bowl. Her eyes flashed to my hand and she took a step back, paling slightly. That was not a good sign.
“This may sting a little.”
Mr. Watkins lifted my arm and I felt a rush of water pouring over my hand.
It was soothing and painful at once. He gently dried my hand with a towel, but my arm still contracted with the pain.
Soon the surgeon had everything bandaged again, and I could stop looking away.
I took a deep, slow breath to calm my nerves.
Mr. Watkins packed everything up in his case and flashed me a rueful smile. “The pain should subside very soon. Not to worry.” His thick spectacles were sliding down his nose. “I will return tomorrow night.”
I gave a stiff nod and watched him go through the door. James was standing in the corner of the room, arms crossed. His forehead creased as he watched me. It struck me that it was late in the evening, and he was still here. Had he stayed the entire day?
“I must take my leave as well,” he said to Mrs. Abbot, as if reading my thoughts.
She smiled at him. “You have been of vital assistance to our Charlotte. We cannot thank you enough.”
Her phrase, our Charlotte, stuck out in my mind. How had she claimed me so soon? She hardly knew me. She did not know how very unkind and selfish I could be, or about all the lies I had told. If she did, then surely she would not want me here a moment longer. A pinch of guilt struck my heart.
James glanced at me one more time, and I gave him a weak smile, hoping he knew I was grateful too. He offered his bows and then strode out of the room.
I sat up straighter and turned to Clara, desperate to turn the attention to someone else. I remembered that she had fulfilled my duties that day at Brackenridge Hall. “How did you enjoy Sophia’s company?” I didn’t want to mention or think about Lord Trowbridge right now.
“She is a lovely little girl.” Clara’s eyes lit up. “She wondered where you had gone.”
I gave a soft smile.
“Did you give her the crown made of twine?”
I nodded.
“She will not take it off.” Clara shook her head and laughed.
Once again, my heart ached. Why did I suddenly envy Clara’s position? I had only been Sophia’s governess for one day. Of all the things I had lost, that was the least significant. My emotions crashed down again, and my smile faded.
I tried to stand, but Mrs. Abbot rushed forward to stop me. “Where do you think you are going?”
“I would like to return home.” I looked up at her, my eyes stinging.
I was feeling much less faint than before and had already trespassed on her hospitality the entire day.
I needed to distance myself from the looming pianoforte that I knew I could never play again.
Our cottage didn’t have one, so I could train myself to forget.
“Nonsense. The walk will exhaust you. Spend the night here. Clara and Miss Bentford will go to tend to your grandmother.”
Clara’s eyes met mine first before she nodded.
I wanted to ask how Miss Bentford’s introduction had taken place with the Abbots, but it seemed that the ‘ill grandmother’ ruse was still ongoing.
Clara could have introduced Miss Bentford as our cousin or chaperone without revealing the truth.
Guilt stabbed at my conscience. Mrs. Abbot still didn’t know why we had really come here.
She deserved to know every word. She had proven to me that she could be trusted, so why had I still kept the truth from her?
I released my breath slowly, realizing that it was because I was ashamed.
I didn’t want her to think any less of me than she already did. I couldn’t afford it.
Clara was about to leave, and my eyelids were growing heavier by the minute. Mrs. Abbot was right. I needed to stay.
“I will see you tomorrow evening, then,” Clara said to me as she moved toward the door.
“Sleep well,” Miss Bentford stated with a grim look.
I trusted Clara to advise Miss Bentford against writing a letter to Mama about this situation. My stomach twisted. Mama could not find out what had happened. I didn’t dare imagine her reaction to the news.
“Thank you,” I said as my sister and Miss Bentford turned to leave. I was sure I had uttered those words more today than I had in my entire life.
Clara looked surprised, her gaze lingering on me just a little longer before she turned around and walked out the door.
“I have a room prepared for you upstairs.” Mrs. Abbot gripped my elbow and helped me stand. “I believe you will be comfortable there.”
When we reached the top of the stairs, a young lady’s maid, likely the one Lucy and Rachel shared, helped me wash and dress and darken the candles in my room.
I had assumed my rest during the day would have been sufficient to keep me awake later, but my eyelids drooped as I climbed into bed.
My hand throbbed with every beat of my heart, because today, both had been broken together.
The maid turned to leave and I uttered one last thank you before fading into sleep.