Chapter 15 #2
And I had already lost so very much.
“You don’t have to do it without me.” His hand lowered slowly from my face, but his eyes still burned across my skin. “I have a pianoforte, and so do the Abbots. We may play music anytime you’d like. Say the word, and I will be there.”
I wanted to believe his promise, but surely it would not last forever. I had already been abandoned before. By Papa. Mama. I wanted desperately to lean away, but found I lacked the strength.
“Really?” I whispered.
“Really,” he murmured with a soft smile. I noticed a trail of freckles across his nose, and I liked them—all of them.
And I had never liked freckles.
My gaze dropped to his lips, then back to his eyes. My stomach fluttered, as if a flock of birds had taken flight inside me. I had never felt such a sensation before, but it reminded me of what Clara described from her novels. I wanted to call it ridiculous, but it wasn’t.
It was quite lovely, actually.
James breathed in, shifting closer as he did. I didn’t move, heart pounding, waiting.
All at once, something shifted in the air, in his eyes, and he pulled back, putting several inches where there had just been only one breath. The warmth I had felt moments before vanished. I stood, unable to sit so close to him for another second.
He stood too.
I turned, facing the window, trying to focus my attention on counting snowflakes. What had just happened? Had he nearly kissed me? I shook my head, excusing the thought. But then a more unsettling thought followed—had I wanted him to?
With a deep breath, I turned to face him again, to say something to lighten the tension. “Since you have proven me wrong twice now, I suppose it is my turn,” I said. “I failed once, but my next attempt will be easy.”
He scowled. He stood just a few feet away beside the pianoforte. “Don’t do anything dangerous.”
I shook my head. “It’s not dangerous. Perhaps only to my pride.
” I gave a faint smile, looking down at my hem.
“I was quite cruel in threatening to send your private letter to Lucy. I want to prove that I no longer intend to use it against you. The next time I see you, I shall return it.” I waited for his reaction, studying his features.
His mouth was a firm line, and his eyes reflected deep thought. “Keep it.”
I threw him an inquisitive look.
“I have no use for it now.” He smiled, but it seemed forced. “And to be quite honest, I knew you would never send it.”
“How could you have known that?” I laughed in disbelief.
He grinned. “You wanted it for yourself.”
I shook my head with a scoff. “I most certainly did not.”
“Surely you have inserted your own name in the address and read it to yourself each night, hoping and praying that I fall in love with you.”
I gasped, and my face caught fire. “You are being ridiculous. I thought we had agreed that it was I who didn’t love you. You, on the other hand, could be very much in love with me.” I was surprised at my own words.
James shrugged, taking a step closer. “Then your dearest wish will have come true.”
There was no possible way to turn the joke on him. He was too quick.
I sighed in frustration. “Well, if you don’t believe I ever intended to send the letter to Lucy, then I will just return home right now and dispose of it. Would that be sufficient to prove you wrong?”
He hesitated. “No.”
“And why not?”
He smiled in a teasing way, taking yet another step forward.
I was leaning against the window now, and found that there was nowhere else to go.
James put his hand against the glass, just above my shoulder.
“Perhaps the pain of unrequited love was simply too much to bear, so you destroyed the letter in a fit of heartache.”
“You must not know me at all.” I found breathing incredibly difficult, and my heart raced. “I would never throw a fit over something as trivial as love.”
He drew a breath, the teasing smile fading slightly from his lips. “You must have never been in love if you think it’s trivial.”
I tried to swallow, but my throat was too dry. James had obviously been in love before. He had once written his heart into that love letter. Little did he know the most dangerous thing of all would be for me to keep it.
I didn’t know how to respond, so I remained silent, stricken by his words and his closeness.
Thankfully, he dropped his hand and took a step back.
I had no experience with love, but what I was feeling now, looking into his eyes, was certainly new.
I didn’t know if I believed in it, but if anyone was capable of proving me wrong, it was James.
I was in danger. Falling in love with him would be far too easy.
And love was a hinderance, a weakness, and I couldn’t afford it.
“Who is she?” The question fell from my lips unexpectedly.
James frowned in confusion.
“The woman you wrote the letter for?” I hadn’t known I had these questions, but now that I was speaking them, they all came spilling out.
I tried not to look at his face, for fear I was offending him.
I remembered what he had said before, that she had married a man with a large fortune.
Had she truly loved him at all? Or had she just chosen to be sensible?
James rubbed the back of his neck, dropping his gaze to the floor.
“I’m afraid I must postpone that story for another day.
” He pulled out his pocket watch and his expression turned rueful.
“I must be getting back to the docks.” He snapped the watch shut with a bow, suddenly reserved and proper.
Why did he always do that? “Thank you for agreeing to meet me.”
“You’re leaving?” I asked.
“Yes. I must be going.” He gave another obviously forced smile. “Good day, Charlotte.”
He turned to leave. Without thinking, I reached out and stopped him, gripping his arm. He froze. His jaw was firm as he looked back at my face. I dropped my grasp. “I-I wish to thank you.”
He shook his arm, as if my touch had disgusted him. I stepped back, embarrassed.
“You’re welcome.” He flashed a quick smile, then turned for the last time before leaving the room. “Good day, Charlotte.”
I listened as the butler shut the main doors behind him. My cheeks burned yet again, but this time in shame.
What had I done wrong? Had I spoken too freely?
I stared at the door, wondering why his rejection stung so badly. I looked down at my hands, my stomach sinking at the sight of my bandages. Sometimes I forgot how much I had changed. I must have mistaken any attraction between us. He had seemed quite eager to escape me.
I crossed my arms and sat down on the settee, my stomach still coiling into one great knot. It would be best if I didn’t see James Wortham for a very long time.
I did not appreciate what he was doing to my heart.
It needed to stop. Mama expected an advantageous match from me, and I expected that of myself. I had grown too weak and careless. Even if I was not going to catch a husband here in Craster, I could find one somewhere else.
And I was most certainly not going to fall in love.
My new endeavor was clear, and after bidding Mrs. Abbot farewell, I hurried home with determination in my step.
When walked into my room, I closed the door behind me and sat at my writing desk.
My right hand would not suffice, so I wrote with my left.
The words were sloppy and painstaking, but it didn’t matter.
I blew the ink dry and looked at the title of my newest list:
How not to fall in love with Mr. James Wortham: Charlotte’s list of requirements.
1. Never spend time alone with him.
2. Never laugh with him.
3. Never look at his face for more than three seconds.
4. Never admire the color of his eyes.
5. Never think about kissing him.
6. Never let him make me blush.
I finished the list with that for the moment, and sat back in my chair, feeling much stronger and more in control than before. I studied the words, silently praying that I would be able to decipher them tomorrow.
My left-handed penmanship was atrocious.