Lucy #2
“Ethan.” He looks up at me expectantly, like he’s waiting for a reason, an answer, an apology.
But I have none of those things. I wait for the rage and fear to hit me, for all of those base and raw emotions to take over.
But the only thing coursing through my veins is relief.
“I should have told you earlier,” I say.
“So you’re going.”
“Of course I’m going.”
“But we planned this out. We planned our lives out. Our futures.”
“You did, Ethan,” I say. “You had it all set in stone even while I was still with Olivia. You manipulated everything. I’m not going to forgive that.”
“But it was worth it, right? We got together.”
“You hurt me, Ethan.” My mouth twitches, and a look of recognition comes over Ethan’s face.
“You hurt me, too,” he says, throwing up his hands.
“You know what? This is fine. I can get over this. I can move past it. It’s only a four-hour drive.
Besides, we’ll both be here for breaks. It’s doesn’t matter.
Like when we’re married with a million kids, we’ll be like, That was so hard, but who will care by then? ”
“Ethan…”
“I’m serious. I’ve been serious about you since the day we got together.”
“The day you lied to get us together.”
Ethan shakes his head. “All I’ve ever wanted was you.”
“Yeah, and you’d do anything to keep me just as I am in your mind—like a doll in a box.”
“I’ve supported you through everything. What made you think that I wouldn’t support you going to Penn? I would. I want to be together while you do it.”
A jolt of heat spreads through my body, and everything in me recoils like I’m rejecting his words, the very concepts they suggest. Even though I could picture my future so clearly at Penn, and even though it didn’t feature Ethan, I never imagined having this conversation.
Never once, and all of a sudden, it feels like the ground has shifted beneath me.
“What do you want, Lucy?” His words are like little pins pricking my skin, hitting every tiny nerve.
“Say it, Lucy.” His voice wavers, and I know that if I look at him, I’ll see the boy with the bright eyes and the dark hair and the smile that’s always been comforting and constant, signaling bliss as soon as he sees me.
With only a few words, I’ll change all that.
He’ll no longer be the first person I search for across a room.
He won’t place his hand on my waist to steady me when I’m wobbly on my bike, won’t high-five me after an excellent serve on the tennis court.
With only one sentence—one declaration—I’ll sever the cord that connects us, has held us together our entire lives.
But on the other side of this moment, there is something else.
Something new. A fresh start with new possibilities and new people, new adventures.
If I’m lucky, that world will include some form of Ethan—maybe not now, maybe not in ten years, but maybe at some point.
And I’d hate myself if I didn’t at least venture to see what existed in a world where I’m not defined by Ethan Silver, the boy next door, my boyfriend, my mixed-doubles partner, my intended future.
The wind whips my hair all around my face, and I look up at the sky, the first star of the night blinking back at me.
“Ethan,” I say, his name now foreign on my lips.
I straighten my shoulders and look him square in the eye, see his chest puff in and out, his lips parted and his nostrils flaring, and he says nothing.
He’s going to make me be the bad guy. But I can handle that.
I can be the bad guy if it means moving forward. “I want to break up.”
Ethan blinks once, then again, and shuts his mouth. His whole body goes very still, almost like he’s stopped breathing.
The night air slows, the wind ceasing, as if it’s waiting for him to move, as if the entire universe is on pause, waiting to see what Ethan will do.
He could hug me and tell me we will always be friends, that we will always be in each other’s lives. Or he could scream and yell and turn to tell everyone that Lucy Gold is a fucking bitch. Or he could run.
He takes off so quickly, sprinting on the beach so fast that sand flies into my eyes, and when I wipe it away, I can’t tell which direction he went or where he headed.
“Ethan!” I yell, calling into the darkness.
But it’s no use. My voice is nearly drowned out by the sound of the waves crashing, and for a split second, I stand still, wondering if he’s about to come back.
“Lucy?”
I spin around and see Millie climbing down from the walkway.
“You shouldn’t be out here.” I brush the hair away from my face, blink against the stinging in my eyes.
“What’s going on?” she asks, rushing to me. She’s close now, her hands on my elbows, and it only takes a moment before she knows something’s wrong, her eyebrows drawing close to each other, her grip tightening on my skin.
“We broke up,” I say, and watch Millie’s eyes turn into saucers. “Just now. He took off and…”
Millie’s eyes flick to the water, the darkness, the never-ending expanse of beach, then back to me. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t know,” I say.
“Oh, Luce.” She wraps me in a hug, pressing her cheek to mine, and I let her hold me, feel the weight of her comfort for a moment when I realize I don’t really want to be around anyone, not even Millie. All I want is to be alone.
“I need some space,” I say.
I walk up the steps to the pathway that leads to our house before she can protest. The sea breeze is light on my skin, the air damp and thick.
All my life, I’ve craved freedom without knowing I didn’t have it.
All my life I’ve craved something different, and tonight I gave myself that gift.
I wish I didn’t have to hurt Ethan in the process.
Tomorrow I’ll try my best to mend what I broke.
But tonight, as I climb up the stairs to my bedroom and shut the door, I allow myself to grasp the greatest feeling of all: release.