Chapter 41
Millie
The very last place in the world I want to be right now is on a lifeguarding shift with Ethan, but here I am, trying my hardest not to look at him.
It helps that he’s positioned down on the sand, holding the flotation device over his stomach, and I’m up on the tower, trying to focus on the single swimmer bobbing up and down in the water.
The forecast threatened rain, and the sky is a dark, menacing gray that makes me shiver under my oversize hoodie.
The beach is empty, but Ethan and I can’t leave our post for another few hours.
We’ve barely said a word to each other since we got here, but all I want to do is melt into the chair. And yet there’s a pulsing in my chest, daring my heart to burst out of me, and finally, after a few more moments of silence, I can’t take it anymore.
“I can’t believe you told her,” I blurt.
Ethan looks up at me, surprised. “I told her? I assumed you did.”
“Why would I ever tell her something like that?”
“Because you guys tell each other everything.”
“Clearly not.”
“That’s the only reason I said something. I thought she knew.”
“Well, now she hates me. She probably won’t ever speak to me again.” My eyes sting and I tuck my hands inside the sleeves of my sweatshirt.
Ethan turns back toward the water. “Are you really in love with me?”
My shoulders tense up by my ears. “I thought so. Maybe. At some point.”
“And now? Still?”
“Now I just want my sister back.” I look out at the horizon and let my vision go blurry. “Did you mean what you said? That we don’t know you?”
“No one really knows each other,” he says, his voice soft around the edges. “We pretend to. But there are some things we keep hidden. Sometimes I feel like everyone treats me like the person they want me to be rather than the person I am. I think that’s what you did.”
I lean back and cross my ankles tight so the bones press together.
I want to push back, but maybe he’s right.
My whole life, I’ve looked at him as a perfect Prince Charming, one of the guys in my romance novels.
I’d read a chapter of an epic love story, then look across the backyard and think to myself, There he is. If only…
But maybe there’s a reason why I ascribed those labels to Ethan instead of someone who was attainable.
Someone I could actually have. Because knowing I could never cross the line with Ethan without losing Lucy made it so that I wouldn’t ever have to submit myself to rejection or real, actual pain.
I could continue living in a fantasy of ignorance, a boxed-in version of what I thought love might be.
I could never get hurt because I could never try.
And yet…
Not only did I get hurt, but I hurt others in the process.
“Yeah,” I say softly. “I think I understand.”
Ethan lets out a noise that sounds somewhat like a laugh and even though it’s not really one, the bubble of tension around us seems to pop. “Next time you want to live out a fairy tale, choose someone else to chase after.”
“I was not chasing after you.”
“You literally chased me.” Ethan smirks, and I kick his shoulder with my toes, causing him to stumble forward and laugh.
“I’m glad this is funny to you.” But, surprising myself, I laugh, too, because objectively this whole situation is ridiculous. Incredibly, stupidly funny. “God, I’ve messed everything up.”
Ethan bowls over, clutching his stomach as his laughter gets louder and louder.
“You definitely have.” He wipes his eyes with his pointer finger and stands up straight, trying to catch his breath.
“It’s not all your fault. I kissed you, too.
” He flicks his eyes up to me, and the usual hum in my stomach grows softer, almost imperceptible.
We’re both quiet, and I lean back against the tower, watching the waves crest against the shore, getting more violent by the moment, the far-out sea darkening beneath the gray sky.
“Hey,” he says. “Can I ask you something?”
“Not like I can say no now.”
“You saw Trevor yesterday, right?” Ethan asks.
“Yeah.”
“How did he seem to you?”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I’m worried about him. With all this Erica stuff. I think he got in over his head.”
“He’s got you,” I say.
“And you, hopefully.” Ethan drums his nails on the inflatable around his middle. “I’m his brother, but I think he could use a friend.”
I press my hand to my stomach as a drop of rain lands on my forehead, rolling into my eye. “Okay,” I say. “I can do that.”
“Thanks,” he says.
A moment later, the rain picks up, the water falling in sheets, the smell of a summer storm suddenly all-consuming.
I don’t try to fight it, let myself get drenched.
My hoodie sticks to my skin, and I turn my face to the sky, the rain pummeling me.
When I speak my voice is nearly drowned out by the downpour.
“Do you think Lucy will ever forgive me?” I shout.
“She will,” Ethan says, loud over the rain. “Give her time.”
“How do you know?” I ask, water rolling down my back, over my skin, washing me clean.
“Because I forgive my brothers for all sorts of things. And they forgive me.”
Ethan smiles at me, rain pouring down his face, his hair matted to his scalp, and in that moment, I choose to believe him.