Chapter 51
Millie
We’ve been at the tennis tournament for nearly twenty minutes, and I still haven’t approached Trevor, who’s standing only a few feet in front of me, talking to some kids from our class.
The courage I summoned at home has dissipated now that we’re actually here, surrounded by all our friends and neighbors, people who clearly don’t want to be thinking about Billy’s death.
Mr. and Mrs. Godwin are here, sitting front-row center in the bleachers near the over-forty-five men’s singles tournament, clapping politely with each point, nodding as people come talk to them, pay their respects. Part of me wonders if Mr. Godwin would really hurt his own son.
“Okay, so what you’re going to do is this,” Frankie says, sidling up next to me.
She’s got a box of popcorn and is munching loudly next to me near the back of the crowd.
“Ask Trevor if he thinks Erica could have left me a threatening note. Play the pity-friend card. We never hang out anymore.” Frankie pouts and makes puppy dog eyes before flashing back to her normal self. “Works every time.”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“And you’re a wimp. Come on. We need to know if she left it.”
“What are you going to do?” I ask, eyeing the Godwins.
Frankie flinches for a moment. “I’m thinking about it,” she says slowly. “But you go first.” She elbows me in the side, and I stumble forward, knocking into Trevor’s shoulder.
He spins around and looks genuinely happy to see me. “Millie, hey.”
“Hi,” I say. “Do you…” I look back at Frankie, whose eyes are wide as she nods vigorously. “Can we take a walk?”
Trevor shrugs. “Sure. Let’s go.” He waves at the kids he’s talking to, and we leave the crowd, heading toward the boardwalk.
“I feel like we haven’t hung out one-on-one in a bajillion years,” he says.
“Well, whose fault is that?” The words slip out, and I recognize a cruel tinge I can’t take back.
“I’ve been busy,” he says, bristling. “So have you.”
“With Erica?”
Trevor turns to me slowly, his mouth parted.
“Sure, but it wasn’t like you were hanging around waiting for me to hit you up.
You’ve been spending so much time with Ethan this summer.
Must be nice, since you like him, right?
” He must see the shock on my face, because he leans in, an admission on his lips.
“C’mon, Mill. I’ve known you had feelings for him for a long, long time. ”
I tense all over, and for a moment, I can’t breathe. Having your crush—your love—exposed to everyone in your life is like being gutted from the inside out, hung from a meat hook, and asking those around you to come bid on your flank, your ribs, your stomach.
“It’s fine, Millie,” Trevor says, waving a hand in front of his face. “I got over it.”
“Over it?”
Hie eyebrows shoot up. “You didn’t know?”
“Know what?”
Trevor’s cheeks flush, and he brings one hand up to the back of his neck, rubbing quickly. “I thought you and I…I figured one day…”
“You liked me?” The idea is so shocking I stop walking.
“I mean, yeah. Of course.”
“I had no idea.”
One corner of Trevor’s mouth lifts up. “That’s okay. Erica showed interest, and I figured why not, you know? Lost a little hope here.” He motions to the space between us.
“God, I’m an idiot.” I squeeze my eyes closed.
“Nah,” he said. “I get it. I’m used to being in Ethan’s shadow. And it’s okay. I’m over it. Really.”
“If it makes you feel better, he and I never should have happened,” I say. But when I say the words, I realize based on his confused expression that Trevor might not know what I mean.
“What are you talking about?”
If I’m going to ask him to be honest with me, then the first thing I have to do is be honest with him. “I kissed him. A few days ago. Right after the breakup.”
“Holy shit.”
“It was a total mistake.”
“Uh, yeah. No shit. That’s fucked up.”
But right as he speaks, I realize that, actually, it wasn’t a mistake to kiss Ethan. “I’m glad it happened, because if it didn’t, I would still be wondering what if. Now it’s like I’ve flushed him from my system. I can move on.”
And what I don’t say is this: I can finally figure out who I am, who I’m going to be, without the longing that’s been lining my core for so many years, the wistful notion that one day, Ethan and I might find each other and have it mean something.
Now that the dream doesn’t exist, I can let myself look beyond the bounds of Pelican Island Road.
Of our tiny slice of the world. It’s like kissing him has set me free.
Trevor winces. “Still weird as hell.” But then he softens. “You could have told me. We could have talked about it.”
“Oh really?”
“Well, yeah. We tell each other everything.”
“Trevor,” I say. “That’s not true.”
“Fair.”
“Are you okay?” I ask. “About Erica and Billy, I mean. This can’t be easy for you. Were you mad when she told you?”
“She didn’t tell me. Billy did, the night he died.”
“He did?”
Trevor pauses, his shoulders tense around his ears. Then he suddenly backs away, his hands outstretched, waving back and forth. “I gotta go.”
“Wait.” My mind is moving quickly, trying to put the timeline in place. “When did Billy tell you? At the party? Later?” I’m desperate now, pleading, and I don’t know why, if I even want to know the answer. “You can tell me. I’m your friend, Trevor.”
“You haven’t been my friend all summer, Millie,” he says, his words suddenly acidic and clipped. “Not when I really could have used one.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, tears stinging behind my eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s too late,” he says. “Things are already so broken. And with Billy…He’s not coming back.” Trevor’s voice breaks. “Sometimes I can’t forgive myself even though I know we didn’t…It wasn’t….”
Ice runs through my veins. “What are you saying, Trevor? What do you mean?”
Trevor wipes his hands over his face and shakes his head. “I’ve got to go.” I reach for him, but he’s already gone, turning the corner away from me.
I crouch down and try to catch my breath, but it feels like Trevor’s knocked all the air out of my lungs, like he’s holding my throat in a choke hold.
Because as I replay Trevor’s words in my head, I worry that what he’s just said, what he just revealed, is that all along we were looking for answers in the wrong places.
This whole time, the answer about what happened to Billy has been kept safe with Trevor.