Chapter Ashleigh Brett and Remy Hughes 2012 Aged 50 #9
‘We’re not to mention it, not ever again. Just make out it hasn’t happened, let everyone believe what they know to be true, that you took the exam, Ash. That’s the end of it. Promise me!’
‘You just don’t get it, do you, that’s exactly what you did to me!’ It was crazy that Remy just couldn’t see it. ‘You landed me in it, told me what you’d done, never asked! Never gave me a chance to back out! You made the plan, the announcement, set up the scene and then left me to take the hit!’
‘I was ten!’
‘And I was ten! It was a lot! And besides, you were ten for one year, and then you’ve been eleven, twelve, sixteen, twenty-six, thirty, forty-four and every other age up until this point, but still not acknowledged that what you did might not have been in my best interests, and you weren’t even willing to talk to anyone about it! ’
‘Well, I’ve certainly told people about it now! And it feels like you might be a little bit delighted by the fallout, as if it’s my turn, and that’s really shitty!’
‘What a bloody awful thing to say to me!’ She was hurt; her throat tightened with the pull of sadness.
‘And you slept with Jamie – Jamie!’ Remy stood up. ‘What were you thinking?’
‘I wasn’t.’
Remy ignored her. ‘It meant Midge and I had an even bigger row.’
‘Well, that’s not my fault.’ Ashleigh chose not to make a quip about the fact they were supposed to be perfect.
‘Oh, nothing is ever your fault, Ashleigh! Last night was horrible.’
‘It was, but I didn’t do anything – you did!’
‘But you pushed me to do it, you’ve always been pushing me to do it. Is that why you slept with him? To punish me more, create a ripple?’
Ashleigh put the coffee cup down, fearing her trembling hand might shake the contents all over the pale bedlinen. Her words, when they came, required no forethought but were a confession of sorts.
‘I suppose, in my pissed state, I wanted Jamie to want me because I thought it might prove, in some way, if he wanted me too, that I was as good as you.’
‘As good as me? That’s nuts! You were always the bright one, the one who was going places, according to Mum and Dad.’
‘Yes, I was, but not now, not now they know the truth.’
‘But you wanted them to know the truth!’ Remy raised her voice.
‘My God! My head is spinning! And if it’s any consolation, Remy, we were drunk, as you saw when I came home, and I’d actually sobered up a bit by then. We were very drunk.’ She rubbed her forehead, as more of that shame seeped from her pores.
‘It’s no consolation. I don’t know why people think that makes a difference.’ Remy wasn’t giving her an inch.
‘Because it does make a difference. When you’re incapacitated like that, you make crazy decisions. Do stupid things. Take risks that you wouldn’t dream of taking when sober. Like standing up and blurting out a lifelong secret!’
‘I wasn’t that drunk, not at all. And you and Jamie aren’t fourteen-year-olds, sharing a bottle of scrumpy at the bus stop. You’re fully grown adults!’
‘You sound like Mum.’
‘I’ll take that as a compliment in this instance,’ Remy retorted. ‘You slept with Jamie, Ash. It’s . . . I just still don’t know why.’ Remy looked as stunned as she had last night; that much she did remember. ‘He was awful to me, bloody awful, and you know this, and he’s Sophie’s dad, and . . .’
‘I don’t know what you want me to say!’ She felt everything had already been said.
‘I don’t either, but I can’t imagine a scenario where I would sleep with Evie’s dad.’ Remy visibly shuddered, as if horrified by the thought. ‘I mean, how would you feel if I shagged Archie? Not that I ever would.’
‘It’s not the same. It’s just not the same!’ Ashleigh did her best to defend the one stupid mistake.
‘Isn’t it?’
‘No! And no matter how much you want to verbally batter me, I can’t change what happened, Remy! And besides, if you wanted to shag Archie, you’d have to fight off the German, and she’s pretty strong. Not sure I’d fancy your chances.’
‘I can’t laugh about it, Ash. It turns my stomach when I think about it. It’s icky.’
‘So don’t think about it.’
‘Now why didn’t I think of that?’ Remy smacked her forehead.
They were quiet for a second, until Ashleigh broke the impasse.
‘I think Evie and me will head home today.’ She spoke as the thought formed, picturing the packing of her case, and wondering how quickly she could get into the car, just wanting to be gone from here, away from her sister.
‘I think that’s probably best.’
It was telling that Remy didn’t try to dissuade her, not at all.
If anything, she looked a little relieved.
Ashleigh couldn’t believe that the birthday weekend that had started with so much promise, so much fun, could have ended this way.
She felt a little bit heartbroken and a whole lot like running away.
Having loaded up the car and buckled up, just before they pulled away she spied Remy through the kitchen window, standing as Midge pulled her close to his chest, enveloping her in his big arms and leaning his chin on the top of her head, about as close as two people could get, as if she was under his skin and inside his bones – yes, exactly like that.
‘Is it true you slept with Sophie’s dad?’
Her young daughter’s words were like punches, and she felt the bruises form in a place deep inside.
‘Yes.’ There was, she figured, no point in denying it when Evie had been present, had probably heard enough to already know it was true.
‘Is that why we’re leaving early?’
‘Yes,’ she whispered, unable to control the emotion and absolute desolation she felt at how it had all turned out, knowing Evie had been having the very best time with her cousin, building bridges.
‘Don’t cry, Mum.’ Her girl reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t want you to be sad. It doesn’t matter, not really. I was getting bored of playing computer games.’ Evie’s tone, trying so hard to convince her that this might be true, suggested it might actually matter a lot.
‘I am sorry, darling.’ She sniffed, found a smile, and shoved the car into gear. ‘I really am. Let’s go back to the flat and’ – she wiped her eyes – ‘and I’ll cook something.’
‘Oh, I’d love to, Mum, but Leni called and, err, she needs me to babysit. If that’s okay?’
‘Sure.’ Ashleigh indicated and pulled out on to the road with a heart that felt heavy with sadness at the prospect of a lonely night ahead. ‘Of course it’s okay.’