CHAPTER 33
“Mackenzie, Mackenzie, shit, wake up. Wake up!” Grey’s voice was the first thing that registered in my mind. It sounded hoarse, like he’d been screaming, like he was frantic with worry. I turned my head towards the sound, struggling to open my heavy eyelids. My throat was dry and sore as I swallowed sluggishly. My head was pounding.
“Grey?” I choked out, my voice cracking. I felt terrible, like every single cell in my body was sick, but at least I could breathe again. I inhaled deeply, which made me cough, and my entire body radiated with pain from the action. I opened my eyes.
Grey was leaning over me, his blue eyes looking me over, a mixture of worry and relief playing on his face. He let out a breath and dropped his head into his hands.
“Holy shit, Mackenzie. Don’t you ever do that to me again.”
“What happened?” I wondered, slowly. I couldn’t remember anything past the overwhelming flash of white.
“You had a seizure.” Grey shook his head in disbelief. “How much fucking coke did you do today?”
“I don’t know…” I swallowed thickly, trying to remember. “A bit.”
“A bit.” He repeated, his face grim. “You mean enough to make you OD. Right?”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I bit my lip and shut my eyes instead. My head was pounding fiercely. “My head hurts,” I complained, trying to change the subject.
“Your whole body’s going to hurt. You were thrashing into everything.” Grey shook his head again, as if he were reliving the moment but trying to rid himself of the memory. “I couldn’t stop you. I tried everything.”
“Really?” I tried to imagine it. I couldn’t believe what happened; I felt so normal now; I just couldn’t picture myself convulsing there on the floor like a fish flapping out of water. The throbbing in my head and my arms and my legs proved it really happened though—I’d really had a seizure, one that must have been terrifying to witness. I looked up at Grey and his face was hard, almost like the worry made him angry. His eyes didn’t leave me for a second.
I gave him a shaky smile. “I’m sorry, Grey. I’m okay now, though. I mean, I feel okay, at least. Wow. Has this…ever happened to you before?”
“Yeah, once.” He admitted. “We’d been doing coke all day before a show. I just blacked out, and woke up with this huge gash across my chin. I wound up getting stitches and had to do the show with this huge bandage.”
“But you were okay after?”
“Yeah,” Grey remembered. “I mean, I did end up going to the hospital, but it was more for the cut than the coke.”
“Why does it happen?”
“Like any overdose. Your body just shuts down, it can’t handle it. Coke leaves your system pretty quickly though, so it doesn’t take long to recover. Usually.” Grey let out a shaky sigh. “Fuck, you scared me.”
“I’m sorry, Grey.” Weakly, I sat up, wedged on the floor between the bed and the dresser. My arms trembled, barely able to support me.
“Here.” Grey stood up and grasped me under the arms with his strong hands, lifting me up from the floor with ease. He set me down gently on the bed. I felt weak and achy and my limbs were quivering. I hugged him for a minute before he let me go, breathing in his scent, loving the feel of his warm arms around me. I was surprised to find I wasn’t even scared—though really, I could’ve died; who knows what would’ve happened if Grey hadn’t been there. But Grey was there, and I knew everything would be all right. I knew he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. I felt totally safe with him, all the time.
“Mackenzie.” He pulled away, his dark face serious. “You have to be more careful.”
“I know,” I realized. It all happened so easily, too easily, I couldn’t believe it. “I will, I’m sorry. I just…I had such a horrible day. I didn’t even think about how much I was doing. I just kept going, to try and make it better. You know?”
“Yeah, but you gotta take it easy. You can’t go so hard all the time. You could’ve really hurt yourself. If I hadn’t been here…” He cringed at the thought. “I don’t know. Maybe we should take you to the hospital. ”
“No, no, no.” I shook my head. “I’m fine, I promise.” I was achy and kind of nauseous, but I didn’t feel like I was dying anymore. I still felt a bit buzzed actually, dizzy from all the coke. “I’ll be fine. I won’t do anymore for a while, okay?”
He hesitated. “You promise?”
“Promise.” I agreed quickly, almost too quickly. I wondered fleetingly how long we were talking about. I hoped hours and not days. Even now, after all I’d been through, after the sheer volume of cocaine I’d done that day, I still wanted more. I still craved the feeling that cocaine gave me…the superhero-ness of it all. I fumbled with a cigarette from my nightstand and lit it instead, hoping the nicotine would help to tide me over.
“You’ll tell me if anything changes, right? Like if you suddenly can’t breathe or you go numb or something, let me know, okay?”
“Of course.” I nodded.
Grey sighed and rubbed a hand over his face, but he seemed convinced. He pulled himself back onto the bed and lay next to me, resting his arm around my waist. He seemed reluctant to let me go for even a second, but I didn’t mind it at all. I welcomed his warm body beside me, smiling at his proximity.
“So, you wanna tell me what happened to make your day so terrible? You were just getting dresses, right, for the wedding?” He asked then, his voice low beside my ear.
“Yeah.” I blew my smoke out in a hiss.
“And?”
“And…ugh, it’s just my stupid family. They’re so…I don’t know. They were just like, super bitchy all day, and then my mom made me go and sit in the car, like I was a five-year-old on a time-out or something. She basically threatened to kick me out of Marcy’s wedding if I don’t behave myself. As if I’d really want to ruin my sister’s wedding. I’m not that horrible.” I scoffed. “It’s just so…it’s so frustrating.”
“Why would she say that?”
“I don’t know.” I shook my head and thought for a moment, blowing my smoke out, watching it dissipate in the air. Grey sat by patiently, waiting for me to continue.
“She thinks I party too much. But so what? I’m young, I like to have fun. That doesn’t mean I’m going to get all wasted at my sister’s wedding and make a scene or something.”
“Maybe she’s just worried about you.” Grey decided. I shot him a look .
“No.” I scoffed. “That is definitely not it. If she’s worried about anyone, it’s my sister. She doesn’t want me getting in the way of Marcy’s happiness. Heaven forbid.” I rolled my eyes.
“Why would you think that?” Grey asked, resting his head on his fist, watching me, his eyes narrowing as he listened. I glared at him again, but he held his hand up defensively. “Hey, I’m just trying to understand.”
“Because, Grey. When it comes to Marcy, I don’t count. I mean, you should see her. She’s perfect, she’s always been perfect. Everything any parent could ever want in a daughter, she’s gorgeous and smart, and she’s going to be a doctor…I just, I can’t compete with her.” I shook my head in frustration. “Look, I don’t want to get into it, it’d take me all night. Just, trust me, okay?”
“Okay…” Grey changed the subject. “So, you came home, and you were already pissed, and when you heard we’d be leaving…”
“That was kind of the breaking point.” I sighed. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t cool of me. Honestly, I hate that you’re leaving, but I am happy for you.” I looked up to show him I meant it. I even smiled. “It’s awesome you’re going to record your music, I just wish it wasn’t for so long.”
“Well, while we’re being honest with each other,” Grey smirked, “I gotta admit, I’m kind of relieved to be missing the wedding. I mean, it sucks to let you down, but I hate that shit. I really do. The suit, the speeches, everything.”
I giggled at him. “So do I.” I groaned. “Maybe I should ruin it all.”
“Didn’t you say you were going to be a…ballerina, or something?”
I rolled my eyes. “Grey, we’re basically wearing tutus. And the shoes have these long ribbons; they lace up to here…” I lifted my pant leg to show him, and as I did, I noticed a deep red welt covering most of my calf, raised and sore to the touch.
“Oh shit,” I spoke in amazement, fairly alarmed by the welt. “Did I really do that to myself?”
“I was afraid of that.” Grey’s handsome face was regretful as he inspected the wound. “I tried to stop it, but you were right between the dresser and the bed, and you bashed into them pretty hard.”
“Oh, man,” I lifted the other pant leg to reveal more bruises and smaller welts. Morbidly curious, I unbuttoned my jeans and pulled them off, my limbs groaning at me in the process. My thighs weren’t nearly as bad; there were some marks and a big bruise on my knee. I winced as Grey pressed lightly on it .
Gently, he took his hand and ran it softly up the length of my leg. A wicked gleam lit his blue eyes as he did so, a smirk curling his lips.
“We’d better get that shirt off too, just in case.” He decided. I giggled and held my arms up so he could tug the tank top over my head. It looked like I had bruised my ribs a bit, but it didn’t hurt to breathe in, so Grey was satisfied for my health—but I could tell he wasn’t happy about my wounds.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve pulled you out of the way or something; I wasn’t even thinking.” He shook his head. I looked up at him in amazement. His concern was so sweet, it surprised me. I couldn’t believe he thought in any way that this was his fault. I gazed into his gorgeous face, at his brilliant blue eyes full of such care, and was nearly overcome by the love I felt for him. He was so perfect, so beyond me, and yet there he was, with me…and I was laying beside him in nothing but my underwear.
Something I was suddenly very conscious of.
It became hard for me to breathe again, but it had nothing to do with the cocaine and everything to do with Grey. Pure heat shivered up my spine at the slightest brush of his fingers. I remembered the newfound confidence that swept over me earlier that afternoon, and determined now, I decided to do something about it.
It took him totally by surprise as I reached for him, pulling his face to mine, kissing him as deeply as I could. My muscles throbbed at the action, but I didn’t care. I wrapped my arms around him, pressing myself against his hard chest. He responded eagerly, his hands warm on my bare skin, making me feel flushed all over. Almost frantically, I pulled him down over me, crushing him against me, clutching him tightly with my legs.
“Wait, Mackenzie,” he broke away from me, suddenly. Both of us were breathless. “We shouldn’t do this.”
“Yes, we should.” My heart was racing in my chest, but I didn’t want to stop.
“No.” He sat up, disentangling himself. “We shouldn’t.”
“What? Why?”
Grey shot me a look. “You know why.”
“Grey, I’m fine, honest. I feel fine.” I insisted.
“I’m sorry.” He stated resolutely. “But we’re not doing this.”
I could see it took him obvious effort to exercise such restraint. Every time his eyes rested on my near-naked form his resolve seemed to waver, his fists clenched, as if willing them self-control. Finally, he tore his eyes away, and with a firm shake of his head Grey stood up from the bed, leaving me there, lying all alone .
I sighed theatrically and stared up at the roof, disappointed and frustrated—and cold now, without his warm body covering me.
Grey paced the tiny quarters of my room a minute, his arms stretched behind his head as he took a deep breath in. “You should really just get some sleep.” He decided, eying the carpet of clothing covering my floor. “What do you wear at night?”
“Nothing,” I answered slyly, my voice icy, my arms crossed.
“Here, put this on.” He threw me a ratty old Blondie t-shirt from my overflowing dresser drawer. I glared at him a moment, picked up the t-shirt and shoved my arms roughly through the sleeves in resigned aggravation. Deep down, I knew Grey was doing the right thing; deep down, I knew I should be in awe of his restraint—touched by it, really—since he’d put my well-being before his own needs. But I was just so…impatient and curious and…eager to experience sex. To experience everything. Everything with Grey.
I lay back against the pillows with a heavy sigh, watching as he took the duvet piled at the bottom of the bed and rested it gently on top of me.
Grey leaned down and kissed me lightly on the forehead.
“I’ll call you in the morning.” He promised.
“Wait, Grey,” I grasped his arm, completely forgetting my irritation, panicked by the sudden thought of him leaving. We had so little time left together. I didn’t need to have sex that night, I could wait. I just didn’t want him to go. “Please don’t leave. Won’t you stay with me?”
He shook his head. “Mackenzie, no, I told you…”
“I know, but we don’t have to do anything. Please? We’ll just sleep. I’m sorry, I just want to…have you with me. Will you stay?” I looked up at him, my dark eyes wide, pleading. I bit my lip. “Please?”
I was worried he’d be exasperated, but Grey gazed at me a moment, his blue eyes warm and soft, and then he relented, nodding; his smile…amused, almost. I grinned happily at his response and moved over in my bed, patting the pillow next to me.
“You’d better not snore.” He threatened. I giggled, sneaking a peek at his tanned, muscular, glorious perfection of a body as he undressed. I’d never been so attracted to someone before, it was beyond my very limited experience to want someone so badly. I instantly regretted my promise of ‘just sleep’ when Grey crawled into my bed wearing nothing but his boxers, pulling the blankets over his taut form.
“I don’t snore, but I am a kicker,” I warned him with a sigh .
“In that case, I’d better keep you close to me.” He grinned, and his strong arms wrapped around me, pulling me closely against his hard body. I couldn’t help but smile as he held me tightly, his warmth and his smell enveloping me, making me feel warm and cozy and safe. I snuggled into him, lacing my fingers through his and kissing his hand.
“I haven’t been to bed this early since I was eight.” I laughed.
“Me either,” Grey admitted from behind me. I didn’t feel tired, but with his strong arms around me, I was perfectly content. With my free hand, I reached over and clicked off the lamp. Darkness blanketed the room, adding to my cocoon of total serenity.
“Goodnight, Grey,” I whispered into the blackness.
“Goodnight, Mackenzie.”