CHAPTER 35
Charlie and I kept ourselves as high as we could for the rest of the day. It helped me forget how badly I already missed Grey, how my heart had begun aching for him the moment the car was out of sight. We ignored the creeping loneliness with cocaine and suntanning and by watching Jim Carrey movies well into the night. It wasn’t until I crawled beneath the covers of my too-empty bed that I recognized the heartbreak of solitude. I wished for Grey’s strong, warm arms around me, to have him whisper in my ear, to feel his lips on mine. I sighed and curled up into as tight a ball as I could.
This was going to be a looong month.
Monday was the same. Cocaine was on the menu for breakfast and lunch, and dinner at work. I was doing a bit more than I should’ve been, but I justified it easily. I needed it now; it wasn’t just a want.
I continued this mind-numbing routine for most of the week. I found it actually got easier as time went by, not harder like I’d expected. The ache was still there, it hadn’t gone away or anything, but I was learning to live with it. I began to feel like maybe I could do it—maybe I could get through the month without Grey and emerge with my sanity still intact.
That was before I started waiting for him to call. I let a few days pass without thinking anything of it—Grey was excited, he was getting settled, he was probably busy. I could understand that. I spent Friday night alone at home while Charlie went to the club, partly because I’d promised Grey to be good (and I wasn’t good at the club) but mostly because I was sure he’d call .
Charlie rang numerous times to try and pry me off the couch, so I knew my phone wasn’t broken or anything. Grey never called. I did some cocaine by myself for a while and then called it a night, trying to keep my spirits up.
My phone didn’t ring again until late Sunday morning, pealing near my ear.
“Layla. You got me on my knees, Layla …”
I sat up, gasping, nearly falling out of bed in my rush to answer it.
“Hello?” I was breathless with excitement; I couldn’t wait to hear his voice again.
“Mac?” It was Charlie.
“…Yes?” I let out a sigh. “What’s up?”
“Come in here and get high with me.”
“What?” I laughed. “Where are you?”
“In my room. Let’s smoke a bowl!”
“Did you seriously just call me from your room?”
“Yes! Come on, I’m waiting!”
I hung up my phone, giggling, running down the hallway to her bedroom, clutching my cell phone in my hand. Her room was bigger, but it was just as messy as mine. The only major difference was the posters and pictures that plastered her walls, making it feel homey and lived-in, unlike my hospital/jail cell room. I made up my mind to put up some pictures or hang some art or something soon.
My favourite Tool song was playing on her stereo, “Sober.” Charlie laughed and moved over to make space for me in her bed, and I crawled eagerly under her covers.
“You do the honours, my dear.” Charlie handed me a pipe freshly packed with weed. I lit the lighter and pressed the flame to the bowl, sucking in the sweet, fragrant smoke. I held it in for a moment, passing the pipe to Charlie before I blew it out.
“What’s with you and that thing?” Charlie wondered then, pointing at my cell phone as she tapped the bowl gently with her lighter. “Can you not be separated?”
“Apparently not.” I coughed. “I’ve been waiting for Grey to call.”
“Ah, yes.” She chuckled mirthlessly. “I gave up on that already.”
“You did? Why? I’m sure Zack will call you.”
“I’m not holding my breath, Mac. I know what they’re doing up there.”
“Recording their album?”
“Maybe, a little. The rest of the time, they’re partying like rock stars. Trust me, that is all Zack talked about.” Charlie rolled her eyes. “We should be partying too. I can’t believe you’ve ditched me two nights in a row waiting for your phone to ring. ”
“I know, I know…” I shrugged. “But I told Grey I’d be careful while he was gone, and I really want to hear his voice again, you know? I miss him. I can’t help it.”
“I know.” Charlie allowed. “Trust me. It’s impossible for me not to think about him, but every time I do, I picture him out partying and getting super wasted, and then I start thinking about him being with other girls and…” She shook her head, trying to clear the image. “It makes me crazy. It’s not good for me.”
“Really? Other girls?” I frowned. The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind. Whenever I paused to think about Grey—wondering what he was doing, who he was doing it with—I always assumed he’d be at the studio, working. Or at the hotel, sleeping. Now, I pictured the exact scenario Charlie described.
Grey, out with the guys at some club, the music loud in the background, strobe lights flashing. A girl (probably some tall, leggy blonde in a skanky dress) with her arms around him. He’s laughing and joking with her, giving her my favourite smirk. They’re flirting and drinking and dancing.
Then I see—crystal clear and painfully real—the moment they start to kiss, his hands moving over her body and his lips pressing against hers.
“ I’m so glad you’re not a virgin, ” he whispers in her ear…
I shook myself back to the present, my mind shying away from the thought, rejecting the possibility, refusing to accept it.
“No, no, no.” I refuted stubbornly. “There’s no way. Come on, Charlie, just because they’re gone doesn’t mean they’ve just like…forgotten about us.”
She sighed. “They’re guys. Guys do that kind of stuff all the time. They stick together, too. If Zack was cheating on me, I’d probably never find out. There’s no way one of his bros would tell me.”
I didn’t know if that was true or not. We sat silently for a minute as Charlie packed another bowl, both lost in aggravated thought. I bit my lip and contemplated. Grey had never given me any reason not to trust him. Just because he hadn’t called didn’t mean he was shacking up with some stranger. I didn’t want to jump to the wrong conclusions, I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt, I wanted to believe there was no way he could do that to me. No way he would.
I sighed heavily and took the pipe eagerly from Charlie’s hands. She gave me an apologetic smile, rubbing my arm soothingly.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“No, it’s okay.” I gave her a brave smile. “I just can’t picture anything worse. ”
“I know, trust me…but moping around the house won’t help. Come out with me next time. I mean, Grey’s out having fun, right? So why shouldn’t you?”
“Yeah.” I lit the bowl and sucked the smoke back until my lungs felt like they might burst. I could see her logic, but at the same time, I wanted to keep my promise. I didn’t want Grey to worry about me.
I blew out the waft of smoke, wincing at the new thought that struck.
How could Grey be worried when he didn’t care enough to call?
A few nights later, I discovered a solution to my problem. I wanted to hear from Grey, but he wasn’t calling. The answer was simple, really.
I was just going to have to call him.
I had to work up the nerve for some reason. I felt stupid, sneaking off to my room with my phone while Charlie was in the shower. I had a feeling she wouldn’t approve, but I just had to do it. I was past the point of trying to play it cool. I knew the moment I heard Grey’s voice it would totally set my mind at ease.
I took a deep breath, shut my eyes, and dialled his number, lighting a smoke, nervous as the phone rang in my ear. It rang and rang, and I was just about to give up, disappointed—when finally he answered
“Hello?” There it was, his lovely, velvety low voice.
“Hey,” I greeted, almost giddily.
“…I can’t hear you.”
“Grey? Hello, can you hear me?” I plugged my other ear. It was noisy on his end—the loud pulsating beat of techno music and numerous voices jabbering away in the background, I couldn’t tell who they were in the din.
“Are you there? Hello?”
“Grey? Grey, I’m here. Hello?” I walked towards the window. Maybe I was getting bad reception or something, but I could hear him fine. He was muttering to himself, maybe trying to make his phone work; I didn’t know. I was about to giggle at his muffled swearing, but then I heard it.
“Grey, baby.” Said a female voice, one I didn’t recognize but instantly hated. “Get off the phone. You promised to dance with me, remember?”
He laughed. “Yeah, okay. I’m coming.”
I didn’t hear anymore. I dropped the phone, and it landed with a thud, bouncing across my carpeted floor .
I stood, struck, like I’d been slapped in the face or punched in the stomach. I was shell-shocked, stunned. I stared at the phone in horror and clutched at my chest, my stomach plummeting somewhere down towards my toes, my heart beating loudly in my ears.
“He’s going to hurt you, Mackenzie.” Suddenly, Riley’s voice invaded my mind, stabbing into my already wounded psyche. I hadn’t thought about him in months, but there was no mistaking the unexpected sound in my memory. “I know his type,” he’d said, “I know what he’s like. He’ll hurt you, in the end.”
I didn’t even allow myself to think about it. I couldn’t. Frantically almost, trying to outrun the heartbreak striving to catch up with me, I threw on some different clothes and pulled my hair roughly into a ponytail.
“Charlie!” I yelled—my voice bordered screeching. “Put some clothes on. We’re going out!”
I left my room without looking back, my cell phone abandoned on the floor.