CHAPTER 44
Grey left shortly afterwards. I had no idea where he was going or what he was doing, but he promised not to be long and gave me a wicked grin before heading out the door. Fervently, I hoped he was going to get some cocaine or something. I hadn’t been able to bring my stash onto the plane with me and was beginning to get antsy from the lack, especially with the mood I was in. I bit my lip, picking up the remote and idly flipping through the channels on TV, trying not to think of Charlie.
I was smoking and mindlessly staring at an old episode of Family Guy when my cell phone rang. “Layla…you got me on my knees…”
I hoped it wasn’t my mom again. She’d called earlier to wish me happy birthday, her voice overly chipper, like we’d spoken just the other day, not a month ago, when I was storming away from her favourite daughter’s wedding. That’s how things went with my parents. It was easier for them to ignore the issues than to deal with them properly, to let them fester just below the surface—always present but never talked about.
They could act like nothing happened all they wanted, but I still hadn’t forgotten how they’d treated Grey. I hadn’t forgiven them for it either.
I fished through my purse and found my phone, nodding along to the song. “Hello?”
“…Zee?”
I sat up, stunned. Holy shit. “…Riley?” My entire being was startled by the unexpected sound of his voice, so unmistakable, so familiar in my ear. “Is that you?”
“It’s me.” He chuckled. “I know I shouldn’t have called…I just wanted to wish you happy birthday.”
“No, no. I’m glad you called.” The moment I spoke the words, I realized they were true. There was no denying the instant, explicit joy that surged inside me, hearing his voice again. It just felt…right. “I’m sorry, I can’t get over…I can’t believe it’s you.”
“Don’t I sound the same?” He wondered.
“Yeah,” I answered thoughtfully. “And no at the same time. You sound older or something. Different.” I giggled nervously. I lit a smoke and leaned back against the pillows, amazed by how flustered I was. This was Riley, my oldest friend.
And my heart was pounding in my chest.
“What about me? Do I sound the same?”
“You do. You sound exactly the same.” He spoke wistfully. “Just really far away.”
“I guess I am.” I realized, sadly. “So…what’s new with you? Are you in school now?”
“Yeah. Bible school. Emily and I live in the dorms here.”
“Together?”
“No, separate.”
“Oh.” I breathed with relief. The thought of him living with the Christian was too much to bear. “So, you’re in a Bible school.” I couldn’t keep the surprise out of my tone, though I honestly did try. Never in a million years would I have pictured Riley there, of all places. I knew his views on certain things had changed; I just hadn’t realized how much. I tried to be supportive, though. “Do you…like it?”
“Yeah, I do, so far.” He seemed relieved. “It’s really good.”
“What do you…do?”
“What you normally do at any school. Learn.”
“But what do you learn about?”
“The Bible.” He teased. “It’s not rocket science, Mac.”
“Shut up.” I giggled. “I didn’t know.”
“You sure you don’t want to rethink the whole higher-education thing?”
“Shut up, Riley! Be nice!” I laughed. It felt really good to laugh with him, like old times again. I smiled into the phone.
“Okay, okay.” He chuckled. “Sorry. I forgot how much fun you were to bug.”
“You did?”
“No. I could never…” Riley cleared the laughter from his throat. “Anyway, big plans for tonight? Grey taking you somewhere nice to throw up, or are you staying in?”
I rolled my eyes, sighing theatrically. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. This was going too well, wasn’t it?”
“What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean, Riley. This will only lead to an argument. ”
“No, no argument.” He argued. “Don’t get mad. I just want to know you’ll be careful tonight. That’s all.”
“You didn’t call after all this time just to lecture me, did you?”
“I’m not lecturing. I just want you to take it easy, Mac; I know what you’re like.”
“You do? How’s that?”
He chuckled. “Come on. You know how you are. There’s no middle ground with you. It’s either all or nothing, go hard or go home. Right?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, you do.” He chuckled. “Remember back in elementary when the school was doing that big recycling campaign? Whoever brought in the most UPC codes from milk cartons and stuff won a bike. You remember.”
“Yeah.” I relented. The bike was beautiful, a cherry red two-wheel with spoke-clickers, fluorescent yellow streamers and a wire basket on the front. It was my dream bike. I just had to make it mine.
“All the other kids brought in maybe thirty or forty UPC’s. I think there was one that had a hundred or something. Then you came with…seven-hundred and thirty-nine?”
“Yes!” I laughed out loud at the memory. I’d terrorized our neighbours out of their garbage for weeks, unable to rest until that shiny red bike was mine. “I won, didn’t I?”
“That’s what I mean. When you get your head wrapped around something, you don’t quit. You know? That’s what worries me.”
“What?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like turning eighteen really changes things for you, does it? You’ve been going to clubs this whole time. I don’t know how to explain it. I’ve just had this…this nagging feeling of…dread for you lately. That sounds lame, I know.”
“You’re really that worried?”
“Yeah. I don’t try to be, but I just can’t help it.”
“Riley, I can take care of myself.” I rolled my eyes. “Honestly. I’m fine.”
“I know…just promise me you’ll be careful, okay? It would set my mind at ease, just knowing you’ll try.”
“Okay, fine.” I sighed. “I promise I’ll be careful. Okay?”
“Okay.” Riley still sounded doubtful. I didn’t know what else to do for him, how else to alleviate this totally unfounded concern. He sighed heavily, like he was unsatisfied, like my promise really hadn’t eased his mind like he thought it would.
“Well, I should go. I’m supposed to be meeting Emily. But it was nice to talk to you.”
“Yeah, you too. Hey, Riley? ”
“Yeah?”
“I could never forget about you, either.”
I could hear the smile in his voice. “Bye, Mac.”
When I hung up the phone, I was happy. I sighed contentedly, laid back against the pillows and lit another cigarette, going over our conversation in my mind.
The longer I sat by myself in the dimly lit hotel room, thinking of Riley, the lonelier I became. His warm, familiar voice faded from my ears, leaving me empty, hollow, alone. Suddenly I felt all the hurt, all the heartsickness I’d managed to avoid all summer, the throbbing pain of missing Riley I could no longer ignore.
It was like the emotion was intensified from all my months of pretending it didn’t exist, like it had strengthened itself, somehow, pushed away in the farthest corners of my mind. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to fill the empty void within me, and it felt like I couldn’t breathe.
I missed Riley so much, it physically hurt.
I had to see him. That was it, all there was to it. I knew I wouldn’t feel better until I was with him again. I got up off the bed, pulling on some clothes, frantically shoving things into my bag while making hasty plans in my head. I’d get a taxi to the nearest airport, catch the soonest flight and then call when I got there and then…and then….
And then what? I forced myself to stop, to take a breath and think somewhat rationally. What would I do? Hang out with Riley and (shudder) Emily? What would it change? It wouldn’t be the same, not like it had been, just because I missed him.
Riley had Emily. They were together. There was no room in his life for me, not now.
I was being ridiculous. There was no way I could leave. I flopped down heavily on the bed. I had Grey now. There was no reason for me to feel so lonely, so hollow. Like I was eight again, away at camp, homesick and sad, aching for home. The feeling was unsettling, unnerving.
I ran my hands into my hair, pulling it in frustration. All the walls, everything I’d built to protect myself from this pain, had been razed by Riley’s phone call. The realization angered me. Why did Riley have to call at all? Why couldn’t he just leave me alone? Why did he have to drudge up all the old feelings again?
I needed to stick with my original plan. I needed to forget about Riley McIntyre.
For that, I needed drugs.
I left my half-packed suitcase on the bed and began to scrounge desperately, opening drawers and banging shut cabinets, searching for something, anything to help numb the pain. I found chalky mirrors and rolling papers and all kinds of paraphernalia, but there were no drugs in the room to help me, nothing to take the edge off, to ease the frantic pounding of my broken heart.
It was like he could read my mind. The door to the hotel room opened and Grey swept in, his handsome face brilliant as he smirked at me, his blue eyes alight with excitement. The entire room seemed to brighten as soon as he entered it. Just his presence helped alleviate my sadness, and I smiled back at him, relieved.
“I’m so glad you’re back.” I threw my arms around him as soon as I was near enough. Grey hugged me and chuckled into my hair.
“Me too.” He kissed my forehead. “I have a surprise for you.”
“You do?” Desperately, I hoped it was some kind of drug. “What is it?”
“You have to shut your eyes.” He instructed. “Here, sit down.”
I did as I was told, keeping my eyes shut as Grey sank onto the bed beside me. He put something into my hand then, something small and plastic.
“Okay, you can open them.”
I blinked for a minute, staring at the little baggie sitting in my palm. It was full of whitish-brown powdery crystals, like dirty snow or beach sand. I smiled excitedly. “Is this some kind of cocaine?” I wondered eagerly.
“No. This stuff is called China White.”
“China White?” I’d never heard of it before.
“Yeah. Heroin.” Grey stated casually. I looked up at him in surprise, and he just smiled back at me, like it was no big deal.
“Heroin?” My eyes lit up with curiosity. “Like, real heroin?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you done it before?”
“Yeah, a few times. The guys at the studio do it now and then, they hooked us up.” He grinned. “It’s good, Mackenzie. You’ll like it.”
“What does it feel like?”
Grey’s blue eyes gleamed fondly. “It’s so good. I can’t do it justice…just trust me, after this, you won’t care about your license. You won’t have a care in the world.”
I grinned eagerly, and nodded. It sounded perfect, just what I needed. Something that would take it all away. “Okay.” I handed the baggie back, my stomach churning in anticipation, making me tingle.
“The good thing about this stuff,” Grey explained as he pulled out a mirror from the bedside table. “Is that you don’t have to inject it. You can sniff it, just like coke. ”
“You have to inject the other stuff?” I asked with horror, covering my elbow pit with my hand. I made a face.
Grey chuckled at me. “Yeah. Why? Don’t tell me you’re afraid of needles.”
“Afraid doesn’t begin to describe it. Petrified, maybe. Terrified, even.”
“This coming from a girl who can chug straight whiskey with barely a grimace.” He looked up at me fondly, amused. “Wonders never cease.”
I watched as Grey divided the dirty powder into two lines, lighting a smoke, tapping my hands against my jeans, anxious and eager. I honestly didn’t know enough about heroin to even think of the consequences like I usually did. It had always been some far off legend, something people did in the city—apart from us, removed.
Even if I’d known more about it, other than how good it seemed, the drugs were too alluring, the high too enticing for me to even consider not doing it. There was no turning back now. Soon, the pain I felt for Riley would be a distant memory.
“You have to be careful with this shit.” Grey was saying. “You can’t do too much. It’s really easy to OD, even easier than coke. Just take a little to start, and see how you handle it.”
“Okay.” I nodded excitedly.
“This one’s for you.” He pointed to the smaller of the two lines on the mirror and then handed me a straw. I grabbed it from his hand and took a deep breath.
“Mackenzie?”
“Yes?”
“Happy birthday,” Grey smirked. I giggled at him, nearly giddy, and leaned towards him over the mirror so we could share a brief, happy kiss. Then, tremulous and excited, unable to wait for another second, I bent down over the glass with the straw gripped tightly within my shaky fingers.
As I did so, there was a brief flash in my mind. I saw Riley’s face, and he was shaking his head at me, as if willing me, pleading for me not to do it. I heard his voice again. “… Promise me you’ll be careful…”
I shook the image away and bent down to my task, even more determined now.
Screw you, Riley. You never should have left me.
I chased the line quickly, impatiently almost. The heroin shot up my nose, smoother than the cocaine—like it was softer, somehow. I felt it hit my nostrils, felt the sweet burn radiate from deep within my sinuses.
And nothing was ever the same.