Chapter 8 #2
He strokes my hair out of my face, smiling down at me with what can only be described as self-satisfied pride. "For a few minutes."
"How long is a few?" I ask.
A shrug. "Five minutes, maybe. Not long."
"Oh." I lick my lips, a different kind of desire flaming to life within me. "Felix, that was…hot as fuck."
"Yes, it certainly was." His lips brush my ear as he murmurs. "Getting to touch you, getting to see your gorgeous, perfect naked body, getting to make you come? Fucking privilege, honey."
"Fee," I whisper. "Don’t be sweet. I can’t handle it."
"I should be an asshole?"
I hold my forefinger and thumb apart an inch. "Maybe a tiny bit of asshole. For the sake of my heart."
He rumbles a laugh. "Not sure I can do that. You deserve all the sweetness in the fuckin' world, Ember."
I cannot answer that. I don't even examine it. Instead, I focus on the sensations in my body.
Limp, boneless, jellied legs. Still-twitching belly and core. Aching, throbbing nipples. Flushed, tingling skin. Heavy breasts.
What else?
Desire.
To touch. To give. To take.
I slide off of his body so my head is on his chest but my body is on the bed, and I look at him, taking in the hard planes of his face, the set of his jaw, the haze in his eyes. Soak in the glory of his muscled, shredded body, the anvil slabs of his pecs, the grooved wonderland of his abs. His boxer-briefs stretch around narrow hips, bulging with the hard-on he's been rocking for at least half an hour now, without letting me so much as touch it. Thick, hairy thighs, densely muscled and as defined as the rest of him.
My eyes slide back to the bulge of his cock. I lick my lips, swallow hard. His eyes are on me, but I can't read him.
I rest my hand on his belly. Watch him closely—his eyes narrow, his jaw sets, and his belly pulls in. He wants me to touch him, but he's fighting himself on it again.
Something tells me he has a hangup about something—letting me touch him seems to be a sticking point for him.
My greed for him only grows hotter the more I look at him. I let my hand drift south to the waistband of his underwear, holding his eyes.
"Ember," He breathes. “I…”
"Let me, Fee," I whisper. "Please."
He squeezes his eyes closed, drapes an arm over his face, the other hooked around my shoulders. A non-answer is as much as I'm going to get, I think, and I'll take it as permission.
I pull the elastic away from his belly and pull down, exposing his cock—and holy fuck, what an instrument the man is blessed with.
Getting the waistband past the bulbous head of his long, thick cock, I slide my hand to the other hip, pulling them lower. He lifts his ass and I strip them off—he toes them away from his feet and drops them off the side of the bed, and now he's naked for me.
I look again at his cock.
"Holy shit, Felix," I whisper.
He doesn't answer, except a loud gulp.
His cock is, to put it succinctly, a work of art. I don't know measurements because it doesn’t matter, I just know it's long and thick and straight. A slightly lighter shade than the rest of his skin, it's pinkish and tan and studded with rippling purple veins and wreathed at the base with a thatch of dark, closely trimmed fuzz. The base of him is thicker than the top and the head is broad, fat, and round, glistening with his smeared pre-cum.
I slide my hand down his belly beneath his cock, so the soft weight of it rests on the back of my hand, watching his face, his expression.
His jaw tightens, and his breath comes short. "Fuck. Ember, I—"
“Hush,” I say. "Just let me. I want to."
He shakes his head, but when I slide my hand out from under his cock and wrap my fingers around his thick hard shaft, he groans in raw, ragged relief. "Fuck, Ember. Jesus, I…"
I stroke him, then, down to his root, twist my fingers around him a few times, and then slide my grip back up around his plump pink head. He jerks, curling forward, groaning—
And then he's gone, ripping himself out of my grip, rolling off the bed, and staggering toward the bathroom. He slams the door closed, but I hear him growling wordlessly, uneven, ragged groaning, panting.
Goddammit. Again?
I don't think so.
I roll off the bed and get to my feet, but I stumble and stagger the first few steps—I'm still jellied from the orgasm. Righting myself, I stalk to the bathroom and let myself in.
"Ember," he snarls. "Don't."
"Fuck that, Fee," I snap. "What's your deal? Why won't you let me touch you? You can touch me and make me come harder than I’ve ever come in my fucking life—I still can't walk properly, thank you very fucking much. But you won't let me return the favor? Who's this about? You or me?"
"Both." He's hunched over the sink, gripping the edge of it so hard his knuckles are white, shoulders bunched, spine bowed, cock jutting proudly upward and outward, begging for my touch.
"Well, let me update you on where I'm at right now, okay?" I duck under his arm and insinuate myself between him and the sink, and his cock nudges my belly. "I don't just need to receive, Felix. What I need is a full experience. You gave me half of it, and now I need the other half."
"I fucking can't , Ember," he growls.
"Why not? Why can you let yourself make me come, but you can't make yourself let me touch you?"
"I know. I'm sorry, I—"
"Don’t be sorry. Explain it so we can get past it."
"We're not doing deep shit, I didn't think. I've got my own hangups, Ember."
"Clearly," I answer. "And that's okay. But, Fee, this has to go both ways. I'm not ready to get into deep shit. But this…I fucking need this—I need it. Okay? I…"
"Why?" he demands. " Why do you need it?"
"Because I was fucking dead inside, Felix!" I yell. "My husband died and I died with him. Okay? I was going through the motions of life, but I wasn’t alive. I was…a zombie. And then I met you, and suddenly, I felt alive again. I saw you standing there in the road, and for the first time in almost a year, I felt something. And every second I spend with you, I feel more alive."
He opens his mouth to speak, but I touch his lips with my fingers.
"Let me talk, Fee."
He nods. "Okay, then."
"I'm not okay. I'm gonna have another breakdown at some point. That one earlier was just…" I shake my head and shrug. "The tip of the iceberg. My heart is fucked up. I'm fucked up. But I want to be alive again. I want to feel again. And I don’t—I don't know how to explain it, but I need this. I need to feel like a woman again. I need to feel beautiful, wanted, and desired—and you give that to me. You make me feel . I can't deal with my emotions yet, but you let me feel other things. When you touch me, it reminds me that I'm not dead. I'm alive, and I'll be okay someday, and—and—" I cut off, shaking my head. "But it's not enough, Fee. I need more . I need you . I need to know I can…" I swallow hard. "I can still enjoy life. I can give pleasure."
"Ember, I just—"
“No, shut up and hear me, please. Sex, for me, is just as much about giving as receiving, and I need to do this. I want to. I want to make you feel good. We don’t have to get into the deep shit—we will, soon, I promise. But I need this right now.”
"And I don't know if I can," he whispers. "I…I did something a long time ago, and it messed me up. I did something wrong, and I’m…I don't deserve—" he shakes his head. "I can't."
"Did you hurt someone?" I ask.
"Not physically."
"You made a mistake."
He nods. "A big one. A bad one."
"And you're still punishing yourself for it." I rest my hand on his chest.
"Yeah, I guess so."
"So forgive yourself. You made a mistake. So what? It happens. You're human. We all fuck up. That doesn't mean you're not allowed to receive good things in your life ever again."
"I'm just…stuck. In my own mind. In my heart. I'm stuck."
I push against him, trapping his hard cock between our bodies—between my soft stomach and his hard abs. "Felix, maybe…maybe this is the start of the way forward. Letting yourself have something good. Something innocent."
He arches his eyebrows. "Innocent?"
"Yes, Fee, innocent! We're two consenting adults. I'm single, you're single—right?"
"Right."
"So, this is okay. This is good. This is just…two adults having fun together." I reach up and take his face in my hands. "I'm not ready to have sex with you, Felix. But I do want this much for right now. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for me? Let me use you. It's shitty of me—I'm hiding behind sex. I'm deflecting my emotional baggage by using you for physical pleasure."
"Is it still using me if I fully understand what you’re doing and continue to allow it?" he asks.
"I dunno. I just want to be clear about what's happening, because this is…" I shake my head. "I don't know who I am right now. This is…it almost feels like an out-of-body experience—I'm not like this. It takes me a long time to open up to men, and I usually need a strong emotional connection with someone before I can even feel attraction, much less feel comfortable with sex. But you, Felix…" I shake my head. “It's totally different with you, and it's freaking me out, because I want this, I fucking need it, and I want it and need it so desperately it scares me, but I'm not looking at how I feel at all, I'm just…I'm letting my body take what it wants, and it wants you." I rub my face. "It makes no sense, I know."
"It doesn't have to make sense," he says. He licks his lips, sighing, thinking. "Ember, I…I want to let you. Believe me."
"You've had an erection for a long time. It has to be uncomfortable."
He closes his eyes, nodding. "It hurts."
I gyrate against him sinuously. "So let me help." I kiss his jaw, beside his ear, then whisper to him. "Whatever happened, Felix, it's in the past. I promise you, you're the only one holding it against you."
"I was young and dumb."
"Don't tell me anything else, Fee. For now, this is just…bodies. Physical need." I kiss his cheek beside his nose, his lips, his jawline. Whisper in his ear again. "We'll share everything. I promise. Later. For now, we just feel. Can you do that with me, Fee?"
He nods jerkily. "I'll…I'll try."
"Good." I take him by the hand and lead him out of the bathroom to the bed, turn us to push him backward until the bed hits his knees and he sits, falling backward to lean on his hands. "All you have to do is let me make you feel good and we'll figure the rest out later."
His eyes lock on mine as I stand between his knees. "Ember, you're so fucking beautiful."
I trail my fingertips up his thighs. "So are you, Felix."
Heart palpitating, pulse thundering in my ears, I grasp his cock, stroking him from tip to root—I sigh in anticipation and pure female appreciation as his thick hard shaft slides slowly through my loosely curled fingers, and I relish each stutter of his veins, the smear of his essence on my palm and fingers, the delicate give of his fat round head as I squeeze.
Felix throws his head back, groaning. "Jesus."
I grin at the raw wonder in his voice. "I'm just getting started, Fee." I lean into him, kiss him as I caress his length again, a long, slow slide of my fist down his shaft. "You have an absolutely gorgeous cock, by the way."
All he can do in response is groan, and I'm okay with that.
I sink to my knees between his powerful thighs, kiss his chest, his belly, lick the grooves of his abs, plunging my hand around his cock in slow sensual strokes. He moans, eyes closing, hips tipping up. I clutch his cock in both hands and carve them down, but I don't stop when I reach his root—I keep my hands caressing down to cup his balls, squeezing delicately, massaging gently. His groan goes guttural at this, and my smile of enjoyment makes my cheeks hurt.
"You like that?" I ask.
"Fuck yes," he snarls. "So fucking amazing, Ember."
"This?" I breathe, twisting one hand around his glans, smearing his leaking essence while I stroke down his throbbing shaft with the other. When I reach his root, I cup his balls again, kneading and squeezing and playing with them while I caress his length with my other hand, down, down, down. I trade hands, bringing the first back up to his plump, straining head while massaging his balls with the other.
"Oh, fuck—fuck, Ember. Jesus, that feels so fucking good, I— fuck ." His voice is raw and ragged.
"Watch me, Fee," I whisper.
HIs head snaps up and his eyes fly open, and he watches me repeat the process, massaging his balls with one hand and stroking his cock with the other, and then trading, and then caressing his hard length with both hands and playing with his balls with both—and then one hand and the other again, repeating the process until he's growling nonstop and his hips are flexing.
When I sense he's close, I focus on his balls, and now I lean close to him, kissing his hipbone, his belly, his other hip, his thigh, his belly again, everywhere but where I know he wants it most.
He falls backward to the bed and his hands clench into fists, press into his eyes, and he groans, bucking upward and sinking back to the bed as I continue to massage his taut, heavy sack with both hands.
"Ember," he whispers. "Fuck. Fuck, I—"
"What?" I whisper. "Say it. Tell me what you want. Tell me what you need."
"Fucking hurts. So hard it hurts."
"What do you need, Fee?" I ask again.
"I need to come," he hisses, voice hoarse and rough.
I laugh. "Oh, you're gonna come, trust that, baby." Baby? Fuck me. Where did that come from? My heart twists in my chest, but I shut it down, push it aside, shove it all behind the shield and focus every shred of my attention on him, on his big, beautiful cock.
As I continue to play with his balls, ignoring his cock, Felix starts to thrust, needing more. "Ember, fuck. I—please."
"Please, what, Fee? Say it. Ask me for anything."
"Put your hands on me."
I grasp him with both hands, give him a soft, slow, lingering caress. "Like that?"
"Fuck yes."
"What else?"
His eyes open and his fists smack into the bed at his sides, and he bucks into my hands as I plunge them down his cock in a slow hand-over-hand movement. "More."
"More what?"
His glacier-blue eyes fix on mine, warring, fraught, conflicted. “I…”
I lick his salty flesh from the crease of his thigh to his navel. "I want to hear you ask for what you want, Felix." I lick the same line again, and then inward an inch, closer to his cock—my cheek nuzzles along his shaft. "Ask me. Tell me. Tell me what you want."
“Your mouth," he growls, "I need your mouth, Ember."
I lick him on the other side, and then grin up at him. "Ask…and you shall receive."
Eyes locked on his, I pull his shaft away from his belly, cupping it so I can lick the underside of it from balls to tip. His belly curls in and his balls tug up against his shaft as he tenses, anticipating…
There's no teasing, now. I give him what he asked for—my mouth, rolling over his fat, leaking head, tasting his smoky, salty, tangy pre-cum on my tongue.
"Oh, fuck," he snarls. "Ember, fuck— fuck !”
I let him pop free, grinning at him as he stares down his body at me in awe. "How's that feel?"
"Too fucking good."
"I can make it even better."
His groan is disbelieving. "Feels like heaven already."
I laugh. "It can get better."
"How?"
"Like this."
I take him in my mouth again and cup his balls in both hands, massaging them as I slide my lips down his shaft, taking as much of him as I can—which isn't much; I have a quick gag reflex. I make up for not being able to throat much of his impressively long cock by eagerly suctioning around his head, slopping as far down as I dare and back up.
He bucks up suddenly, groaning, and I know he's building toward that orgasm I'm so greedy for. I keep cradling and caressing and squeezing his tender soft heavy balls in one hand while grasping his thick, pulsing root in the other, my mouth busily and messily glomming around his glans, my tongue swiping and smearing and licking with each bob of my head.
He grunts raggedly and his hands settle on my shoulders; I reach up and guide them into my hair. He gathers my long, loose hair, wraps the thick mass of it around one fist and rests the other on the back of my neck.
"Mmmmmm," I hum, smiling up at him as I let him pop free of my mouth. "Show me how you want it, Fee. Take it from me."
"God, Ember, you're so fucking sexy, Jesus. I don't deserve this—don't deserve you.”
"Shut the fuck up with that," I snap. "You do. You deserve this. You know why? Because I'm choosing to give it to you. The only words I wanna hear are encouragement. Tell me how good it feels. Tell me when you're coming."
"Yes ma'am," he says, grinning at me for the first time since we started this.
"Good boy," I tease. "Now show me how you want it."
"Open your mouth for me," he mutters.
I part my lips, gazing up at him from beneath my eyebrows. "Like this?"
“Yeah," he murmurs, "Just like that."
"I need your cock, Fee," I whisper. "Fucking give it to me right now."
He growls, guiding me down to his cock. I stick out my tongue so it’s the first thing he feels, and I keep my eyes locked on his, barely daring to even blink. His silky soft, hard-as-iron cock slides over my tongue, and I taste his flesh and then I taste his pre-cum as he starts to fill my mouth.
"Oh god, fuck yeah, Ember. Take it."
"Mmmm," I say, whispering into his leaking tip as if it's a microphone. "You like that? Is it good?"
"So fucking good. Do it again, Ember. Please."
"Oooh," I say with a laugh. "I like it when you beg."
"Fucking take it, Ember," he growls. "Please. Take it all. Suck my cock and don't stop till I come."
"I could make it take an hour," I tell him, in between licks of his tip and glans. "Draw it out until you lose your fucking mind."
"I already am. I've been so hard it hurts for so fucking long, I can't take it any longer. I need to come." He cups my jaw, brushes a thumb over my lips. "Wrap this pretty little mouth around my cock and don't stop until you've taken my cum."
“Ahhh fuck," I groan. "Keep talking to me, Fee."
I circle his cock with my lips and take him to the edge of my gag reflex, back away, licking and swirling with my tongue, using both hands on his balls as I start to work his pulsing shaft with my mouth.
"Ember, fuck. So fucking good." His voice is rough and feral, his grip on my hair tight, even though he's not pressuring me to take any more than I'm comfortable with. "Your sweet, sexy mouth is fucking heaven. Oh fuck, yeah, just like that. Keep going, please. Please, don't stop."
"Mmmm-mmmm," I hum the negative, squeezing his balls as hard as I dare while softly, slowly, gently bobbing my mouth around his glans, taking no more than an inch or two, but taking those few inches with my tongue and lips, all suction and saliva. "You gonna come for me, Fee?" I whisper.
"So hard," he answers, now pushing down on my head a little. "Is it okay if I do that?"
"Mmmmm-hmmm!" I hum, the agreement eager.
"Fuck, you feel so good. So fucking hot watching you suck my cock, Ember."
"Mmmmm," I groan. "Come for me, baby."
There's that damn word again.
Ignore.
I pull away, sinking back to sit on my heels, and pull him to his feet. Gaze up at him. Pull his cock toward me and slide him into my mouth and to the back of my throat, keeping my gaze up on his.
Focus on the feel of his cock in my mouth—jaw stretched wide, salty flesh against my tongue and lips, pre-cum dripping into my mouth, his balls squishing in my hands, pulsing and twitching as he nears his climax. I tongue his sliding shaft, taste veins and skin. I keep one hand on his taut balls while clawing the other into his ass, pulling at him—the muscle is hard and the skin warm and fuzzy with hair. I clutch one cheek, dig my nails in, and then the other. Cover the crack and claw at both sides, pulling him into me to encourage him to move, to fuck.
I want his orgasm more than I want my next breath—it's a manic desperation I don't dare look at, I just go with it. Let it take over my whole being. I'm wild with need, greedy for his cum, his pleasure, eager to know how he sounds when he comes, mad to feel his body tense and his muscles harden, desperate to hear him curse and growl, call my name, beg me to not stop.
He starts to move. He grips my hair tight enough that my scalp pulls, and he pushes me down while thrusting. "Mmm!" I moan. "Yes! Take me. Show me, Fee. Give me everything." The words are whispered swiftly, my mouth wrapping around him again as fast as possible.
Faster now, I move on his cock, mouth sliding and stuttering—I pull him free and produce saliva, let it fill my mouth, drop it onto his tip and then cover him with my mouth again, and now my lips glide easily down his spit-slick length.
"Ohhhh fuck, honey, god that's incredible. I'm so fucking close."
"Mmmmmm!" I groan, gripping his ass in both hands now, palms on his hard muscle, fingers digging in, pulling hard at him, pulling him deeper, faster. He pops out of my mouth for a moment. "Fuck my mouth, Fee. Come for me. I want you. I fucking want it. I want your cum, Fee. Give it to me."
I'm an alien inside my own body, a wild creature of pure sexual frenzy, a desperation I never knew existed, never knew I was capable of. I don't recognize myself at all, and yet I like this new self. She's free, she's wild, she's a little crazy and a lot filthy.
New chapter of life, new me, I guess.
Felix unlocked something in me, brought me to life and now I'm half-feral with an all-consuming need that will not be denied, cannot be quenched.
He's about to try, though.
"Ah, god, oh fuck—Ember, fuck." He uses his grip on my hair to push me onto his cock, but it's careful, gentle, almost sweet. "Oh god, I'm gonna come, Ember."
I feel it. I cup his balls and claw at his ass and suction around his glans, pull away to lick his frenulum until he jerks, hissing, and then I swallow his hard hot length all over again, and I'm rewarded with a long low growl and the wild pulse of his balls in my hand as they prepare to unleash his orgasm. His cock pulses, pounds in my mouth, and I let my saliva pool and coat his length and drip down his shaft and leak out of my mouth as I sloppily swallow around the broad salty head of his surging cock.
“Oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck, Ember!"
"Mmm-hmmm!"
He grips my head in both hands now, and hunches over me, hips pumping hard, thrusting himself between my lips. I pull at his ass and let him move, meet him thrust for thrust, humming my enjoyment of this act.
"Oh f-f-f-fuck!" He shouts. "Ember!"
I whimper a shrill, eager sound of encouragement, jerking his taut, flexing ass toward me, fingernails digging into marble-hard muscle. And then he arches backward, thrusting into my mouth, into my throat, fingers clawing into my scalp, head thrown back, and I taste his release, a salty flood of cum.
I gulp it down, open my mouth to pant for breath, and then take him to the back of my throat and bob there, feeling the next rush spurt directly down my throat—I swallow frantically, desperately, gulping and panting, backing away to move around his head again. I capture his balls in my hands and squeeze them, massaging—fit my middle finger along his taint and press, and he shouts wordlessly, a guttural roar as he shoots another hot wet load of cum into my mouth. The next release is right on the heels of the last one, and I can't swallow it all. He surges into my mouth with his spasm of release, and the movement forces cum to leak out of the corners of my mouth and dribble down his shaft. I let him out and lick it away, pump his length with both hands, jacking him hard and fast, relentlessly, until my hands blur. He staggers, legs giving out, and falls to his ass on the bed—I follow him, sucking around his tip with my tongue twiddling his frenulum, and he grunts, thrusts helplessly. He spurts one more time, a little trickle leaking out of him onto my tongue, but I'm not done.
Even after he's done coming, I swallow around his shaft and caress his slick, sticky length, bobbing on him until he grunts helplessly, breathlessly, spasming again, even though nothing comes out.
I go down on him until he's softening in my mouth, and only then do I let him go and sit back on my heels, raking my fingers down his hard, flexed abs as they ripple with his panting breath.
"Holy fuck," he gasps.
"Was it okay?" I ask coyly.
“ Okay? Jesus. I didn't know a blowjob could feel that way."
I tap the tip of his cock as it dangles. "That was fucking hot, Felix. I loved doing that to you."
He gazes down at me, jaw clenching, eyes primal with arousal. He cups my jaw, thumb wiping at the corner of my mouth. He presses his thumb against my lips, and I open for him, tasting a faint tang of his cum.
"Good girl,” he praises. "Taking every last drop."
My thighs press together at his praise. "Mmmmm…fuck, Felix." I gaze up at him, and I know my expression must be damn near reverent—every bit as much as his is as he looks at me. "Love how you talk to me like that."
"Never been one for dirty talk," he mutters, "but you—fuck, Gorgeous, you do something to me."
"Same. I don't know who I am with you, Felix, but I admit I like it."
He takes my hands and helps me stand up—my knees hurt from being on them for so long. He seems to anticipate this, because he bends to grab my ass and lift me off my feet.
He claims my mouth with a savage kiss. "You're fucking incredible, Ember James."
I feel it again—the surge of overwhelmed emotion.
His praise undoes me. Turns me on, thrashes my heart.
I'm about to start bawling again, even as I feel so turned on I could…god, what wouldn't I do?
He cups my face. "You gonna cry again?"
I can only nod, the tears starting despite my efforts to hold them back. "I—I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I—fuck, fuck, I—"
He sinks onto the bed and takes me with him to his back, cradling me to his chest, strong arms pinioning me, securing me.
"No apologies between us, Ember. Give me all you got. I can take it."
Those words are the last straw—I can take it.
I give it to him. All the sorrow, all the turmoil, all the conflict.
I break apart in his arms all over again.