Chapter Twenty-One ROWAN
Chapter Twenty-One
ROWAN
My hands were practically shaking. This was not what I expected tonight.
I told myself I wasn't going to let it go this far, yet I was caught in the midst of competing impulses. I wanted Mae. I wanted this. With a truly, madly, deeply kind of want.
And, sweet Jesus, I had wanted Mae for what felt like forever at this point. Seriously. I crushed on her so hard in college, and then I'd finally asked her out. A few kisses later, and it all ended so abruptly.
Here she was now, more beautiful than she was back then. I didn't even know how that was possible. She'd filled out some, and she didn't look so young anymore. I was afraid I was going to mess this up.
Someone had raped her, and I didn't know how to make it right. Despite my thoughts hammering away, she wasn’t letting me dwell.
She was peeling off her jeans. My mouth had gone dry, and my cock was as hard as a baseball bat.
“Wait!”
Mae stopped with her hands curled over the waistband of her jeans. Turning to face me, she hitched her brows up in question. In three strides, I was standing right in front of her. Lifting a hand, I brushed her hair away from her face. Her lips were pink and kiss-bitten.
“I don't want to rush,” I murmured.
Her eyes searched mine, and I could hear the thud of my heartbeat echoing through my body. Everything was coiled tight inside, and I craved a release. Yet I had to say what came next. I couldn’t not say it.
“We don't have to do this tonight.”
Vulnerability flickered in her eyes, disappearing so fast I wouldn't have recognized it if I didn’t know her so well.
Every time I thought about what had actually happened now that I knew the truth, it felt as if a knife was being twisted in my heart, again and again and again.
I also wanted to break Chet into pieces. I wasn't a violent guy, but holy hell.
He’d known Mae was my friend, and I hated thinking this, but that's probably part of why he went after her. He was always about just taking whatever he wanted.
“I know we don't have to,” she said, her husky voice bringing me back to this moment. “But I want to.”
I took in a gulp of air. “Okay, but we can stop at any point. I don't care when. All you have to do is say so.”
“I know,” she whispered. “But that is exactly why I won't want to stop.”
“What do you mean?”
“Because I know you will if I ask.”
My heart ached as I nodded. “I don't have a condom.” I heard myself blurting out.
After learning Mae’s truth, I had told myself I wouldn’t have expectations, so I had consciously left any protection at home.
She stared at me quietly. “I have an IUD.” She paused, and she caught her bottom lip with her teeth, worrying it. “After what happened, I’ve always been really careful.”
“Mae.” Her name came out in a ragged and raw whisper.
“Stop. Just stop feeling bad. You can't change the past. Trust me, I wish I could,” she said, her chin lifting and her eyes glittering with determination. “Please, please don't let that screw everything up. I missed you. I know it's my own fault we stopped talking.”
I shook my head sharply, sliding my hand down to palm the side of her neck. “It's not your fault. Even though I didn't understand then, I understand now. It was easier to be mad, and you probably needed to be mad.”
The sound of her swallowing was audible. “I did.”
“I've never had sex without a condom.”
“Really?” Her eyes widened at this.
I shrugged. “Uh, yeah. My dad lectured me about it repeatedly. My point being, I know I'm clean.”
We stood there, and uncertainty started to slide through me. Not because I didn't want this. Holy fucking hell, I wanted this. I wanted Mae, and I trusted that she thought she wanted this, but it still had to be her call.
She uncurled one of her hands from over her waistband, placing it on the center of my chest. My heart lunged toward the heat of her touch as she leaned up and brushed her lips over mine, making an indecipherable sound in her throat.
Once again, the moment I was kissing Mae I forgot everything else.
Her mouth was divine, and she tasted a little sweet.
I was careful not to let my need and fierce lust take over by being gentle and not getting rough with her clothes.
Jesus, I wanted to yank everything off. I forced myself to let her take the lead.
It wasn't as if that was a hardship. Her questing hands mapped my chest and impatiently yanked at my shirt until I reached behind my head and tugged it off in one swoop somewhere along the way. She’d ditched her blouse and bra, and her skin felt so good.
The tight points of her nipples pressed into my skin.
At one point, she got impatient. “Rowan!” She pushed at my shoulder, and I reluctantly lifted my head from where I'd been making love to a sweet spot right behind her ear.
She had goose bumps rising on her skin, and her cheeks were flushed pink.
“What?” I asked.
“Stop being so careful,” she ordered.
“I’m not being careful.” That was sort of a lie.
“Yes, you are. You're waiting for me to make every single first move. That's ridiculous. I want you, and you want me.” At this, she boldly stroked her hand over my aching arousal tucked behind my jeans. Another shot of blood arrowed down.
I shook my head to try to think. “What are you asking?”
“Stop thinking. Stop worrying. You didn't the other night in the kitchen.”
“Oh no, I definitely did not,” I replied with a husky chuckle.
“I promise I'll say something if it’s not okay.”
It felt as if the reins of control were sliding through my fingers because then she pushed me back and finally shimmied out of her jeans. She had on this silky scrap of underwear.
That was it. The reins slid through my fingers, and a whip cracked through the air, lightning sizzling around us. In a fiery second, her deft fingers unsnapped the button on my jeans and slid the zipper down. I kicked my jeans free, and then we were on the bed.
She was warm and soft everywhere. Sweet sighs, whimpers, and moans surrounded us.
I mapped her body, my lips lingering on every curve, teasing her nipples, my hand sliding over her trembling belly.
A groan escaped when I discovered the silk between her thighs was damp.
I already knew how she felt there, wet silk clenching around my fingers.
“Rowan!” she cried out.
She shimmied, and I tugged her panties down.
I charted a path with my lips over the curve of her belly, dallying on the sensitive skin just on the inside of her pelvic bone.
I slid my palms up her thighs, pushing her knees apart.
Dipping my head, I tasted her. She was tangy and salty, and her hips bucked against my mouth.
She came faster than I expected with a shudder against me and a rough cry. Then she was yanking me closer. I almost froze because this part of it was hard.
Without a word, I shifted up and rolled onto my back. She had plenty of pillows on her bed, and I shimmied back until I was propped against them.
Her hand curled around my cock, and she smeared her thumb over the cum already dripping out. She surprised me when she leaned down and gave me a teasing swirl with her tongue.
“Come here,” I murmured.
And she did. Her big ginger eyes were boring into mine, and I felt my heart kick hard enough to crack a rib. This girl was everything. It had only ever been us. I remember thinking I'd been the luckiest guy when we kissed the first time.
But then, it all got blown to smithereens. Maybe luck was on my side now. We were both older and wiser, smart enough to know when we had a good thing.
I watched as she rose over me, her breasts bouncing. I couldn't resist, leaning forward and catching one of her damp pink nipples with my mouth. I gave it a sharp suck, and her fingers speared my hair when she cried out. My head thumped against the headboard behind me.
I felt the kiss of her slick heat. I held my breath, resisting the urge to thrust into her. She slid down swiftly, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. When they opened, everything blurred as I lost myself in her gaze and the silky clench of the very heart of her.