Chapter 17
Seventeen
Cole
He nuzzles his forehead against mine and kisses underneath each of my eyes with such tenderness it just makes me sob all the harder.
"Regret it?" The disbelief in his voice borders on shock. "Lacey, god no."
I dissolve into relieved bawling, and he cradles me against his firm hot chest. "I'm s-s-s-sorry," I stammer.
"I just…I'm…ugh!""Number one, don't apologize.
Number two, I'm not one of those guys who falls to pieces at the sight of tears, so don't think your big emotions are gonna scare me off.
Number three, why on earth would I regret what we just did? "
"Because we—" she hiccups, laughs, and tries again.
"Because it's complicated as hell between us, Cole.
We have all this history, and not all of it is good.
We still…we haven't really talked any more about Maia, but you have to still be angry at me for what I did to you, and despite our history we sort of don't really know each other anymore because it's been fifteen years and we've both been through a lot, and I'm not on birth control and I assume you're STD-free since you said you haven’t been without protection with anyone but me since the last time we did exactly this, but I could still get pregnant and the fertility doctor said there was nothing wrong with my reproductive system—in fact she said my reproductive system looked like that of a twenty-year-old. And—"
His mouth crashes down on mine. "Lace, honey. Let's let the world's longest run-on sentence end for just a second, okay?"
I stop with a death glare. "Rude."
"First, categorically and emphatically, no, I in no way whatsoever feel any measure of regret."
"Emphatically and categorically?" She echoes, teasing. "Is that so, Mr. Politician?"
"Politician?" I say, disgusted. "You take that all the way the fuck back, madam."
"Fine. I take it back. Now continue, please."
I let out a breath, spending a moment petting her glorious ass while considering my words. "Second, I'm obsessed with your ass. It's the finest in all the land."
Lacey huffs a laugh. "I thought you were obsessed with my giant titties."
"Those too, yes. They are magnificent." I scratch, squeeze, and then gently spank said derriere. "But this? Fuck, babe. Goddamned perfect."
She blushes, burying her face in my throat. "You're making me embarrassed."
"No, you just forgot how to take a compliment because your ex is, as we have established, a dickless, brainless fumble-cunt."
"Cole!" she exclaims. "I hate that word."
"Which one? Brainless or dickless?” I laugh.
"Kidding. I do too. And I almost never utter the C-word unless I really, really mean it.
And from the little bit you've told me about your ex, Edward," I spit the full given name as if it tastes like actual shit, "it definitely applies to him.
" I kiss her temple. "Back to the important stuff.
Again, no, I don't regret it. Not even close.
And not just because you, somehow, managed to make me come twice, which I didn't think was actually medically possible for men.
" I roll her to her back and give her most of my weight—she rakes her fingers down my spine, making me shiver and shudder, and then lightly scratches my butt while gazing up at me as if she's hanging on my every word.
"Even if that wasn’t—again—the greatest sex of my life, I wouldn't regret it. "
"Cole," she murmurs.
I snuffle a laugh, nuzzling her throat. "I love how you say my name when you don't know what else to say."
She clutches my ass and burrows closer to me. “Number three?"
"Isn't it number four?" I ask.
"No. You reiterated that you don’t regret it, which was number one."
"Oh. Right, right." I twirl a tendril of hair around my finger.
"So, number three…god, I'm losing track of all the shit you said.
Oh, right, yeah. Knowing each other and all that.
Yes, we've both been through a lot. We were just kids when you left.
So yeah, there's a lot getting reacquainted to do," I nudge her with my hips.
"And I don't mean just this kind of getting reacquainted. "
Lacey exhales shakily at the nudge of my hips. "Hey, now. Don't start writing checks your dick can't cash, mister. I don't think you understand the sex beast you've unleashed."
I huff, rolling off of her to sit cross-legged facing her. "We have to talk, not just screw, or I'd show you that I never write checks I can't cash."
She sits up facing me, crossing her arms over her chest. "Then I'd better put these away so you don't get distracted."
I stretch halfway off the bed, snag my tee off the floor, and toss it to her. "Good idea, actually."
She laughs as she shrugs the garment on. “I was kidding, but if that's how it is, then you'd better put on some underwear."
I pull my boxer briefs back on and we lounge on the stripped mattress side by side.
"My point is that yeah, there's a lot we don’t know about each other.
But you're still you and I'm still me. I…
" I sigh, scratching my forehead. "Lace, I tried to get over you.
I really fucking did. I just…I couldn't."
"Because I gave you major trust issues."
I shrug, nod. "Yeah, true. That has been a major element, I won't lie. I…I couldn't open up, emotionally. It made it hard to connect with anyone physically."
She tilts her head. “Really?"
"Well, yeah. There've only been a handful of partners, or whatever term you want to use, other than you. Like, I can count them on one hand and have…" I do a quick mental count, "one finger left over."
"You and Eddie are it for me."
"I'll tell you anything you want to know, just so we're clear."
"Do I know any of your others?"
I shake my head. "No. I never dated anyone from our former circle. The only ones who are left from that circle who are still single are the Cartwright girls.”
She shrugs. "They're as gorgeous as ever."
"They're friends," I say. "I can't explain why, but it's just never been there for me, toward them. Even back in the day, as attractive and cool as they both are…nope. I dunno."
"You don't need to name any more names, I just wanted to make sure there weren’t any minefields I should know about."
"Nah, not like that. I learned my lesson about dating in Three Rivers anyway. I told you about that."
“Yeah, you did. "She pauses. "The thing with…Heidi, you said her name is?"
"Mmm?"
"It really was just…casual?"
I nod. "Yeah."
"I don't know if I could do that."
"I never thought I could, either. After what happened with Lana Meyer, though?"
Lacey frowns thoughtfully. "Don’t know that name."
"Nah, you wouldn't. She moved to town maybe five years ago.
Single mom. Very pretty and really funny.
We took things super slow. I really liked her.
I…I hoped things would work out with us.
But…I got spotted buying condoms and word got out.
Her second-grade kid came home asking some super awkward questions, because clearly some asshole thought it would be cool to run their mouths about us at the dinner table in front of their kid.
The gossip got so bad, Lace. People were stopping her in the street to ask her questions.
" I growl, still annoyed at the memory. "Like, I know about the whole 'Three Rivers' most eligible bachelor' bullshit.
I suppose I get it, to a degree, but I'm not a fucking celebrity.
People need to mind their own goddamm business. "
Lacey cackles. "If that's the life you want, then you shouldn't live in a small town, bubby." She pats my thighs. "Speaking from experience, here."
"Shut up," I mumble, laughing. "You know what I mean."
She shrugs. "I mean, I guess. My transition to adulthood was spent in a place where no one really gives a shit about you unless they have a specific reason to."
"Well, the point is that Lana ended up moving away specifically because of the gossip surrounding her and I dating."
"Seriously?"
I nod. "Very much so. I felt terrible about it. Some people were not very nice, either. Like, it wasn't just gossip. There was a small but vocal faction of women in town who felt Lana wasn't good enough for me because she was a single mother. It was such judgmental bullshit."
“That is some serious bullshit."
"Some people have a weird sense of possessiveness about me," I grumble. "I guess I should feel flattered, but it's just weird."
“Babe." She pats my thighs. "They're jealous. Do you really not understand?"
I shrug. "I mean, not really?"
She sighs. "Men. So oblivious." She pivots on her bottom to face me, knees to knees.
"The women who are most vocally possessive about you are the ones who've had the biggest crushes on you for the longest. A significant percentage of the female population of Three Rivers under the age of fifty, let's say, being conservative, has had a major, major crush on you.
For years, in some cases. I'm pretty sure there's a secret Facebook group, actually. "
I hold up my hands. "I don't want to know.
Some things should remain a mystery." I shake my head.
"What I’m getting at is that after Lana moved, I decided it just wasn't worth the drama trying to date in town.
Everyone that's age appropriate and single…
" I shrug. “Not worth the drama. For me or them. I met Heidi at a conference in Alpena and we hit it off. Got wasted together at the hotel bar, and spent the weekend together. I…well, details aren't necessary. But it was good. It was fun. We both knew and made clear before anything happened that it was a that-weekend-only thing. For me, it was an experiment. To see if I was emotionally capable of a casual weekend hookup thing. I’m not—I’m not that guy.
I dated the women from here. Took my time getting to know them.
I was looking for a relationship." I growl a rough sigh.
“The brutally honest truth is that I was looking for someone to take your place in my heart.
Someone who I was as physically attracted to, or moved by, or… or anything."
Lacey's expression is…complex. "I…I suppose I should feel good about that, or flattered, or whatever. But I just feel…Sorry, I suppose. Or something like that."
I laugh. "I know what you mean, and I'm not sure what the right way to put that is, either.
But yeah, it didn't work. The reason things lasted with Heidi as long as they did is because we both wanted the occasional companionship and physical connection with someone, but we'd both accepted that we would never fall in love again.
She had escaped from a seriously abusive marriage—as in broken bones and days in the hospital.
He beat her so badly while she was pregnant that she miscarried and almost died, and needed a hysterectomy.
That's when she finally found the courage to leave him.
It took years after that for her to even be able to be near a man.
I guess I was…safe, which is why for her part she was able to have what we had. "
"You speak very highly of her."
"She's a wonderful woman. I care about her.
I was not, am not, and never could be in love with her, but I care about her as a person, and the relationship we did have was a good thing for me.
She made me feel attractive. Reminded me that I was still capable of some kind of connection.
Because I…with everyone I dated, I always felt sort of broken, to be honest. I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty, so please don't. I'm just sharing my truth. I couldn’t connect. I was trying to be in a romantic relationship with the feelings of love and intimacy, and I just couldn’t produce those feelings for anyone. "
She blinks. "So I guess I'm confused about what it was with Heidi, then."
"Hard to explain, honestly. It was mutual respect.
It was…companionship. It was…it was physical attraction, too.
When I accepted that I wasn't going to fall in love again, it sort of set me free.
I stopped looking for it. I stopped thinking I needed it.
And when I had that weekend with Heidi, I felt…
Hmmm. I felt a freedom to explore something different.
I could connect with her physically without feeling like I had to share my every thought or open up emotionally.
She didn't want that from me. She wanted me to treat her with respect, kindness, and decency, and we both wanted a situation where we could meet up, get what we needed physically, and just leave it at that.
We didn't talk about our lives. She didn't complain about work or girlfriend drama, and I didn't tell her about the guys' latest antics. "
"It was just sex," Lace offers. "You don't have to mince words, Cole."
“I’m not. But I can be tactful and mindful of your feelings."
"I have no right to jealousy, and I know it."
"Doesn't mean you don’t feel it. I see the discomfort on your face."
She shrugs. "I…" A sigh, a shake of her head. "No. I mean, yeah, but it's nothing I can't deal with.
"It was just sex, yes, but also no. I'm not sure if I can put words to it. It wasn’t love. I'm very clear about that. It just wasn’t only about the sex. But it was…something. More than just an appreciation for her physical attributes, I mean."
"I can fathom it. After all, I had a sexual relationship with Eddie for ten years, and I was never in love with him."
I wait, and she just looks at me. "And?"
She frowns. "And what? That's it—that's what I was going to say."
"I want the story, Lace."
"Of Eddie?"
"Of everything that happened to you after you left. How you ended up with a law degree and a husband."
She looks away. "Why?"
"Because it's you. It's your life. It's how you became who you are now. It's important."
"It's ugly."
"Lacey."
She lets out a breath. "Fine." She drives stiffened fingers through her hair, catching the mass of it and shaking it out before letting it fall around her shoulders once more.
And then she tells me the story.