17. Ryan
CHAPTER 17
Ryan
I don’t make it to the hospital.
I’d reassured everyone I was okay and said I would follow the ambulance, but when I climbed into my wagon and drove from the car park, I couldn’t. I couldn’t watch the woman I was falling in love with be taken away, in that situation, when it was all my fault. When she wouldn’t have almost drowned if it weren’t for my inattention. I should’ve stayed away altogether, away from the festivities, the joy, like I did every other year.
All I want is to be where no one will find me. I don’t want to go home, but I can’t bring myself to leave town. That feels too final, and I promised Lilac I would do a few odd jobs to make her coming home easier. So when I come to the crossroad in the middle of town, I turn away from the hospital and end up in Lilac’s house.
After securing the safety grip handle next to the toilet, I slide down Lilac’s bathroom wall and place the electric drill on the floor tiles. Time has slipped away unnoticed.
Bowing my head and closing my eyes, I struggle to keep the images of Deb and Bronte working on Scarlett at bay. The chest compressions, checking her vitals, the moment she coughed up seawater … the moment I knew she’d be okay, alive …
There’s so much noise pressing in on me: people yelling, children screaming, boat motors rumbling, Christmas carols, waves crashing, someone calling my name.
Voices are in my head. Scarlett’s mother screaming it’s all my fault. Curly calling me the ‘Christmas Curse’. My father bellowing that I’ve been naughty so there will be no presents.
A curse. From the day I was born, I’ve been a Christmas curse. Unwanted. Unloved. Unworthy.
And just when I thought I’d put an end to the curse, it’s come back with a vengeance, causing harm to the one who’s allowed me love. Made me believe something else was possible.
The wall in front of me morphs into the back of the floral lounge I hid behind as a kid. The voices are too loud. Screaming over each other. Screeching in unison. My breaths are rugged, short, sucking, shallow. Eyes squeeze shut. Heart threatens to crash through my ribs. Pins and needles, hands, feet, tingling. I cover my ears with my hands. Squeezing them tight.
‘No! Don’t yell at me. Don’t hit me.’ I thrash my head to the side, twisting into the corner of the bathroom. ‘Don’t … sorry.’
‘Ryan.’ Warm hands rest over mine. I try to flick them away, press my palms harder to block the noise. Then they’re back, slowly gliding my hands down my cheeks. ‘Ryan, honey, you’re safe. No one’s going to hurt you.’
That voice. Familiar. Angel. Can’t breathe.
‘Ryan, you’re okay. You’re safe. Can you take a big breath in through your nose? Into your tummy.’
Those warm hands are gently squeezing mine now, and for a moment, the haze clears, the breathing’s easier.
‘That’s right. And again. Let it all out through your mouth. No one’s here to hurt you; no one’s yelling. Nothing is your fault.’
With each breath, the buzzing in my chest lessens, and the tingling in my fingers and toes all but recedes. When I dare to open my eyes, it’s Scarlett that comes into focus. Her eyes are clear, bright, full of worry. Nothing like they were in the ocean. Even wearing oversized scrubs, with a cannula stuck in place, and sandy, straggly hair, she is beautiful. And I nearly lost her. My inattention almost caused great heartache for so many.
‘Scar … Scarlett. You … hospital? What are you doing here? You don’t want to be around me. I’m cursed. It’s Christmas, and … accident. I’m sorry. I wasn’t concentrating. Should …’
Scarlett rests her forefinger on my lips. ‘Shhh.’ She winces as she manoeuvres her body to sit between my legs. When I hold my hands out to stop her, push her away, she shakes her head. ‘Na-up. No more of this pushing me away.’
When she gasps in pain and presses her hand to her chest, instinctively, I reach out and place my hand on hers, around hers, holding them tight. The pain in her ribs must be excruciating. God, I’m a shitty person to do this to her. I don’t deserve her.
‘Don’t you dare think it’s your fault.’
‘But—’ How can she think this?
‘No! I can read your mind a mile away. That’s why you didn’t come to the hospital, why you’re hiding away here. Ryan, you saved me. You saved me from a freak accident that no one knew would happen. You kept me alive, breathing for me when I couldn’t, giving me a chance until I got to shore.’
I bow my head and shake it, unable to bear the kindness, the compassion reflected in her eyes. ‘You’ve got it all wrong. If I didn’t ask you to sit on the back of the Jet Ski, none of this would’ve happened. I tried too hard to change and look where it left me—back at square one. Ruining everyone’s Christmas.’
With a gentle touch, Scarlett raises my chin, and our eyes instantly connect. Something warm unfurls in my stomach. There’s no pity or sympathy in her eyes. Instead, there’s empathy. Kindness. Understanding.
‘No one’s Christmas has been ruined, Ryan. It’s quite the opposite. The families you provided hampers for will have a special meal to treasure. Those kids you bought gifts for will have the best day ever. And you brought so much joy and happiness to so many people in our community this afternoon. The smiles on the kids’ faces … you did that, Ryan.’ She pulls my head closer, grimacing. ‘I’m so darn proud of you.’
With her lips gently touching my forehead, my eyes automatically shut, and I let out a sigh of relief.
‘And I’m going to be okay. Even though Barb and Doctor Cruickshank are less than impressed I’m here.’
‘How did you know where to find me?’
‘Greta. As I was trying to negotiate my release, she was returning Lilac to the hospital and mentioned, among other things, that she saw you in the hardware store earlier in the day buying some rails. And after our discussion about getting Lilac back home, I just knew you’d be here. Barb reluctantly agreed to let me come, but only if she could be the one driving. She’s waiting in the car to take me back to the hospital.’
Tenderly, I clasp her face in my hands and gently press my lips against hers. ‘Thank you.’ I kiss her nose. ‘Shall we get out of here?’
‘Yes, please. This floor isn’t very comfy.’ She slides back on the tiles and goes to stand but flops back down. She’s totally wrecked, battered.
‘Here, let me.’ With arms cradling her like a baby, I lift her, holding her close to my chest. She nuzzles her head in under my chin. ‘Do you think Barb will let me crash in your hospital room tonight? Let me look after you?’
A small smile plays on her lips as she nods. ‘I’d like that.’
‘It will be a relief for me too. Your body has been through a massive trauma, and there can be delayed reactions. Did the doctor explain all that?’
‘Yes, Barb read me the riot act.’
After promising Barb we’ll be back at the hospital as soon as the lights are turned on, I carefully settle Scarlett into the front seat of my wagon, ensuring her seatbelt is securely fastened, and glance at my watch—8:55 pm.
‘This isn’t the way to the hospital.’ Scarlett’s voice barely rises above a whisper, her eyes seeming to struggle to stay open.
‘I promised we’d watch the jetty lighting together, and I’m keeping that promise. I know the best spot.’ I flick on the indicator and turn onto the road that heads up to the back beach.
A grin forms on Scarlett’s face. Her eyes are suddenly more alert. She knows too. ‘Perfect.’
Surprisingly, the car park at the back beach is deserted. Making the most of this, I park the wagon with the rear end facing downhill towards the jetty and then pop open the back boot.
Helping Scarlett out of the car, I keep my arm around her waist, and we settle in the back hatch. The town spreads out before us. Streetlights flicker on. Music and cheerful voices flutter by on the sea breeze.
‘This is perfect, Ryan. I’ve never watched the jetty lights from up here.’ She rests her head on my shoulder and our fingers intertwine. ‘What a jam-packed few days.’
With a gentle pull, I bring her closer to my side, relishing the warmth where our bodies meet and in my heart. ‘You can say that. I was planning on being out bush somewhere for a few days, escaping like I always do for Christmas, but here I am, watching Christmas lights with the woman I’m falling for.’
Scarlett pulls back, and I tuck some stray hair behind her ears. Our eyes meet. ‘I’m glad you didn’t go bush.’ Her lips press to mine. ‘Otherwise, I’d be heading back to the city.’ Another kiss. ‘And I wouldn’t have got to do this … with you. You’re filling a gap in my heart I never knew existed, and I’m falling for you, too.’ This time, our eyes meet, and we exchange a thousand unspoken promises.
The final countdown begins, and we return our attention to the jetty, settling into each other’s embrace. As the crowd yells, ‘Three, two, one’, a cheer erupts, and … I suck in a breath, awestruck, as the jetty bursts into a spectacular display of lights in all colours, crisscrossing across and between the jetty poles. The Christmas tree dazzles with twinkling lights, and a bright star adorns its peak.
When I turn to look at Scarlett, her face lights up with the biggest smile, stretching from ear to ear.
‘Wow. It’s even better than I remember,’ she whispers, ‘and I can’t believe I’ll get to see it every year from now on, hopefully here, with you by my side.’
‘Oh, Scarlett, I can’t wait for that either. Thank you for finding me, for dragging me from the darkness, for lighting up my heart.’