Chapter 29 Darian
Darian
The sound of my knock echoes down the empty hallway, and I almost lose my nerve and turn away before it opens.
I’ve rehearsed this in my head. Calm words.
Honest ones. Because I don’t think I can do this anymore.
Not even for the short amount of time we have left.
I don’t want to be at odds with him anymore.
I’m going to tell him how much it hurts.
How much it feels like I’m breaking apart, day after day, and I don’t think I can keep myself together long enough to last until the Lightbringers arrive because I’ll have unraveled by then.
There will be nothing left of me to fight, because I am already defeated.
The door swings open. Kaelen stands there, his shirt rumpled and his eyes shadowed with exhaustion. “How’s Sera?”
For a split second, relief flares. He’s here. He answered. “She’s… healed.”
And I still don’t quite understand how. I sat there for hours and watched Lyra work, watched her eyes flicker and her hands move over Sera’s injuries, watched the way her skin stitched back together, and I still don’t understand how it was possible when it should have been impossible. “She wants to see Lyra.”
“Not tonight,” he says quietly. “She’s exhausted.”
“Right.” I swallow. “I… I want to take her to meet Jace.”
His body stills.
“I won’t, not without your permission.” I hold his gaze, waiting. “What do you think?”
Awkward in the silence that follows, in the stiffness of his body, I let my eyes shift away from his face. To the bed behind him.
She’s asleep, curled on her side beneath the covers, pale hair fanned across his pillow. Lyra looks so much more fragile when she’s sleeping.
Something inside me goes cold and hollow all at once.
“I think that would be fine,” he says finally. Carefully. “She should know.”
Good. That’s… good, that they have each other. And he’s… taking care of her. “Oh,” I say, because my mind offers nothing else. Nothing but a cold, icy wave of hurt.
He skipped me. I was right here, and he went to Lyra. I was right here, and she went to him. I should be used to it by now. To not being chosen. But it still fucking hurts.
Kaelen’s brow furrows. “Dare?”
My mouth twists into something sharp and ugly before I can stop it. “Why is Lyra in your bed?”
Kaelen stiffens. “That’s none of your business.”
I’m so tired. I’m tired of the fighting, and the arguments. The looks, and the pain. I’m so fucking tired of the pain.
My laugh is short and brittle. “Of course it’s not. You’re right.”
Kaelen steps into the doorway, casually blocking my view of her as if he’s shielding her from me. That hurts more than seeing her did. “It’s not what you think.”
“Isn’t it?” My chest aches, breath coming too fast. “Because it looks very clear to me.”
I back away. “Look. I’m glad. Happy that you’ve…I don’t know. Moved on. Maybe I’ll do the same.”
His jaw tightens. I can see the strain in him now, the edges fraying. “There’s nothing to move on from.”
The words hit me like a blade. Nothing.
I stare at him, truly stare, searching for the hesitation, the regret. There’s anger there—too much of it. Heat. Fear, maybe. But the words stand.
“I see,” I whisper. “Well, then.”
His face changes instantly. “That’s not what I meant.”
“No.” I hold up my hands, as if I can stop him talking. “I understand. No need to say any more, Kae.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” he says quickly, stepping forward. “Darian, wait. I shouldn’t have snapped—”
But something in me finally gives way.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I croak. “I can’t keep coming back for more every time you push me away, Kaelen.”
He reaches for me. I step back. “I came here because I thought—” My throat closes. I swallow hard. “I thought maybe something had changed. But I was wrong. Or… right, I suppose.”
“That’s not true.” But he hesitates, looking over his shoulder.
And that hurts too, that he might keep her from me. The only bright spot in this miserable fucking existence. Her, and Jace.
I turn away before he can see how badly this is breaking me. Ignoring his calls, I walk away, my chest flayed open for anyone to see.
If only they cared to look.
Stone walls close in, breathing down my neck. I can’t get enough air. I press a hand to my chest, as if I can physically hold myself together.
I need out.
Out of Umbraxis.
The sharp, biting night air in the courtyard hits me like a rush of cold freedom. I spot movement near the stables. Two shadowscouts are preparing to ride out, tightening girths and checking their packs. Kaelen has pulled most of the patrols in, but the scouts will be the first to sound the alarm.
I even know them, at least a little. “Beckett. Carmen.”
They glance up when they see me. Beckett lifts a brow. He’s always been friendly enough, though he doesn’t smile now. “Didn’t expect company.”
“Neither did I,” I say hoarsely. “You heading out?”
“Sweeping the passage for any changes” Carmen says. “Won’t be long.”
“Good.” I reach for a spare saddle before either of them can question it. “I’m coming with you.”
They can’t say no. I’m still technically a Council member, despite my name being on par with filth for the most part. They hate me, until they need me.
“Sure,” Beckett says finally. “We’ll wait.”
A familiar voice stops me while I’m saddling up. “Darian?”
Eldritch stands a few paces back. His arms are folded.
“You’re not fit to ride tonight,” he says gently. “Not like this.”
“I’m fine.” I tighten the strap, moving on to the next.
“You’re not,” he counters. “And running into the Veilspire won’t fix it.”
I laugh under my breath. “Staying won’t either.”
He steps closer, lowering his voice. “You want to talk? I’ve got a warm drink and a good ear.”
I want to take his silent offer. Erevan knows, I do. But the thought of walking back inside those walls—
“I just need to breathe,” I say. My voice breaks. “I can’t fucking breathe here, Eldritch. I’ll be back soon.”
I swing into the saddle before my resolve can falter, nudging my horse past him. As we ride out, Umbraxis shrinking behind us, the pressure eases just enough for me to inhale fully.
But the pain doesn’t ease at all.