11. So touch me again, I feel my shadow dissolving. Will you cleanse me with pleasure?
11
So touch me again, I feel my shadow dissolving. Will you cleanse me with pleasure?
Moth
I didn’t remember falling asleep. I remembered laying down on the bed after moving the dresser, still fully clothed and wiping tears from my eyes, but I didn’t remember anything else.
But I must have, because now, something had woken me up. I wasn’t sure if it was a noise or something else. I lay on the bed just the way I’d slept, afraid to move. Outside the window over my head, I could hear the wind rattling the windows, the rain pelting against the glass. After a moment, I heard the growl of distant thunder, and I released my breath in a shaking whoosh.
It was only a thunderstorm, nothing to worry about. I was fine. I was safe.
The weight of dread sat heavily on my chest, bearing down on me before I even remembered why I was scared. An icy chill slicked over my bare legs, bringing goosebumps crawling over my thighs.
Something wasn’t right. Something felt wrong .
I lifted my head, blinking as I fought the fog in my brain and the mist in my eyes. I could see the low, square shadow of the dresser against the door, right where it should be. A flash of lightning lit up the room, and something dark caught my eye, something near the closet. My breath caught behind a wall of apprehension in my throat, and I struggled to pull in another breath.
Had I left the closet door open? Why was I awake? Had it been a bad dream, a sound in the darkness, or the storm?
Possibly, could it have been something else?
I didn’t even know how long I had been asleep. A few hours, maybe? All I knew was it was still dark. I shouldn’t be awake yet. Maybe I needed to pee?
I relaxed against the bed, waiting to see if that was the culprit.
No, nothing.
I was a little hungry, but nothing that couldn’t wait until morning.
Thunder exploded outside the window, hard enough to shake the glass in the window, and I jumped, my heart exploding to life in my chest.
That was it. That had to be it. I had woken up to the storm, and now I was confused. I was fine. Everything was fine. I had just moved to turn over and go back to sleep when another streak of lightning lit up the room, and the dark shadow near the closet caught my eye again, except it was on the other side of the door now.
It had moved. There was no denying it now.
I lay on the bed in the darkness, my brain suddenly kicked into overdrive. The way I saw it, I had two options. I could run and hopefully move the dresser before whoever it was reached me—not likely.
Or I could stay on the bed and hope my mind was playing tricks on me.
I heard the creak of a floorboard, and my mind was made up for me.
My mind decided to run.
I launched myself out of the bed and across the room, slamming into the dresser and fighting to push it. My fingers found the smoothed edge and shoved against it, but before I could even budge it, the warmth of arms slid around my waist and lifted me off my feet.
“No!” I screamed, the sound tearing from my throat and echoing in the small space. “Let go! Don’t touch me!”
He tightly wrapped his arms around my waist, leaving my hands free. I reached over my shoulder, clawing at his face, but no matter how hard I tried, my fingers found no purchase. Pushing off from the ground, I tried to dead weight, and bring us both to the ground, but he stood strong. The bottoms of my bare feet found the edge of the dresser and I kicked off, hard. If I sent both of us crashing through the window, so be it. I’d rather be dead than endure whatever his psycho had in store for me.
Instead, he stumbled and fell backward, landing us both on the bed, but still, he held on. I screamed again, this time an ear-piercing shriek that set my ears to ringing. I sucked in a deep, grating breath, and now I could taste blood. When I sucked in a deep breath to scream again, a hand clapped to my mouth, and he rolled with me until I was lying on my stomach, facing the window .
“Shhh. Shhh, it’s okay.”
I could feel his breath in my ear, slithering down the side of my neck. My heart beat frantically, like a terrified bird desperate to escape. I pushed against him, fighting to get him off of me, but he was strong. I couldn’t get free, no matter how hard I thrashed. His scent enveloped me, like citrus, musk, and a campfire in the dead of winter.
Eventually, I was too exhausted to fight anymore. I couldn’t catch my breath, and with my arms pinned beneath me like they were, I couldn’t tear his hand down.
“I’m sorry I scared you, my Little Moth. I didn’t mean to.”
There was that voice again, the same one I’d heard on the phone. His voice was penetrating and gruff, like the growl of a predator watching from the woods. I hung on to every single word, even as I fought against him.
“Calm down, Vanessa. You’re going to hurt yourself.”
The hand across my lips loosened just enough that I could open my mouth, and as soon as I did, I bit down, hard. I caught the first knuckle of his index finger, where it connected to the webbing of his thumb, and locked my jaw. I felt his bones crack and his joints pop between my teeth, and a sharp, throbbing ache shot through my tooth.
He pulled away with a hiss of pain, and I tasted blood again, but this time stronger. Gulping down a breath, I screamed before he could silence me again.
“Don’t kill me! Please don’t! The money is in the office, you can take it! Just take it and go! ”
He chuckled, and his other hand snaked around my throat this time, squeezing gently.
It was a warning. He wanted me silent.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Vanessa, and I don’t want the money,” he paused, and the hand at my throat squeezed just a little tighter—not enough to hurt me or cut off my air, but enough to make my vision go dark at the edges. “There’s something else I want. Something a lot more valuable .”
I could feel his other hand sliding across my shoulder, moving down my back, and over the curve of my ass. His fingers hooked the hem of my shorts and pulled them down until they caught against my bent knees. His hand squeezed my neck, and I felt him pull my panties to the side. I was frozen. I couldn’t move, and I could barely breathe. When his fingers slid across my folds, the fear broke away, giving in to terror. A scream slipped from my lips until he cut off my air with a quick, painful squeeze.
I fought and bucked until I was able to slip my arms out from where he’d pinned them to the bed, and I reached up, wrapping my fingers around his wrist and pulling just enough to give me the air I needed.
“Don’t! Don’t touch me!”
“Awe, shhh. It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Just relax.”
“No! Please! Stop! Stop it!”
I felt him shift to the side, his knee coming up between my legs and forcing them apart. His fingers parted me and plunged inside, and I gasped—a deep, sucking breath that stung my swollen throat.
“Wh-what are you doing? Why are you— ”
“Oh, come on Vanessa. You’re a big girl, hmm? You know exactly what I’m doing.”
I could feel the rumble of his voice reverberating in my chest, and even though I hated myself for it, it dropped straight down into my core.
“Don’t you?”
His voice dropped lower, and I whimpered, feeling the shockwave of realization flowing through me. I could hear the wet, lewd sounds of his fingers plunging in and out of me, and god I fucking hated him for it. I hated my body even more for reacting the way it was.
“S-stop,” I grunted, shaking my head when his hand came up to cup my jaw and tilt my head back. Softly, he kissed the side of my mouth just as a flash of lightning lit up the world outside, and my body jumped involuntarily. His fingers pulled out of me, dropping down lower until he found something else—something that had me bucking and writhing beneath him. There were men I liked that couldn’t even find the clit, and this asshole walks in here and finds it like he owns the damn thing?
Fucker.
“Good girl, look at that. You like it, don’t you?”
“No!” I spat, trying to roll away from him and failing. “You fucking disgust me.”
Maybe it was the angle or the position, but when he brushed over my clit, I let out a sound that I was absolutely sure I’d heard from barnyard animals before.
Perfect. Fucking. Timing.
Asshole .
He chuckled, and god if I could have, I’d have pulled back and clocked him right in the fucking jaw.
“Oh, I’m sure you do, baby. I’m sure you hate me so fucking bad.”
With every punctuated word, his fingers circled and tightened, and I could feel my thighs twitching, a deep, aching throb pulsing inside of me. His fingers dipped inside of me, to wet in my need before coming back out to circle my clit again.
The fear had broken, giving way to anger and hatred, all masquerading beneath denial. I didn’t want to like it. I didn’t want it to feel so fucking good, but fuck, every touch of his fingers was electric. My hips circled with him, desperate for release to chase away the ache.
“You’re so beautiful, Vanessa,” he said. The way my name sounded on his tongue, dripping from his lips, sent an electrical jolt rocketing up my spine. “So perfect.”
I couldn’t remember the last time anyone had touched me like this. I couldn’t remember the last time another person had made me feel like I was now—like I was coming apart at the seams. My last fumbling, clumsy love-making session had turned me off to it altogether, and that had been… when… right after college?
Had it really been four years?
His movements came faster and softer until they were feather light. I was moaning, and I couldn’t hold it back, even when I tried. I hated him for what he was doing to me, but fuck if I hoped he never stopped. I wanted to feel repulsed, but I couldn’t force it. Believe me when I say I tried.
“Do you like it, baby? Tell me you like it. ”
“No,” I choked, fighting to catch her breath. “F-fuck you. Asshole.”
I was moaning, gasping, and pleading without words. Anyone with ears could have heard it, but I’d deny it until my dying breath. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
He laughed, and when he paused, I almost whimpered again—almost. Somehow, I managed to bite it back. My spine was burning, my legs shaking and my heart pattering and skipping in my chest.
Why had he stopped? Did he want me to beg? He wanted me to beg, didn’t he?
Damn it.
God damn it.
Goddamn him.
I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t. He’d just have to go ahead and go fuck himself.
Except… maybe? Maybe I would beg.
No one had to know. It was just us, all alone, and fuck, I needed to cum so badly.
After a moment, he shifted, and the hand at my throat dropped away. When it returned, he was holding a phone. Wait, that was my phone!
He was holding my fucking phone ?!
It was on, the front-facing camera pointed right at me, and I could see my reflection looking back at me. Judging by the little blinking red light in the corner, it was recording. Welp, so much for my little secret.
“Wh-what are you— ”
“Smile for the camera, baby girl.”
His fingers returned, and my entire body stiffened. My legs parted for him, my hips tilted towards him and my pelvis grinding down on his hand, and I guess I would just have to drink an entire bottle of scotch to forget because I wasn’t sorry. Not now.
“Look, babe. I want you to see how beautiful you look when you fall apart for me.”
Looking at my phone screen, I could see the remnants of this morning’s eyeliner smeared across my cheeks, the tears leaking from my wide-open blue eyes. I could see how flushed I was, my cheeks bright pink and my freckles standing out across the bridge of my nose. I could see the lust painted across my face in plain technicolor, and when his fingers returned to their favorite little bud, I could see my mouth drop open and my bottom lip quiver.
My mind may have said ‘fuck, I fucking hate him’, but my body was begging for release.
I liked it. I fucking liked it, and there was no denying it now.
“I can’t wait until you belong to me,” he whispered, his voice pouring into my ear, hot and wicked. “You made me like this, Vanessa. You turned me into a monster. I’m gonna cum so deep inside you that you’ll never forget who you belong to. I’m gonna breed that perfect, tight little pussy. Do you understand?”
I wriggled and bucked, my hips rocking and grinding against his fingers. I was so close. I was so fucking close.
When he found that aching spot inside of me and pushed, I knew it was too late. I watched the way my eyes dropped, half-lidded, as my orgasm crept closer and closer.
“Good girl. You’re such a good girl. Watch. I want you to watch. ”
I watched myself in the recording, and when I came, I had to fight not to scream, and it was a fight that I failed miserably. My cries echoed around the room as my eyes slammed shut, and I forced myself to look away. My entire body was electrified, every muscle tight and rigid, and a million fireworks exploded behind my eyes.
I wanted to punch him, to pick up a knife and drive it into his fucking heart.
Asshole. Fucking asshole .
Shaking, I lifted my head, and watched as he lifted his other hand—the hand he had used to defile me, still smeared and dripping in my sin. I watched him hold my phone with both hands and swipe open my contacts.
“You’re so beautiful, Nessa. My pretty, perfect little girl.”
What was he going to do now? Was he going to fuck me? Would he rape me, right here in my father’s house? Tears sprang to my eyes once again, and a swirling tsunami of conflicted emotions rose in me until I feared I’d drown beneath it.
Instead, I watched him open a new contact, one I didn’t recognize. There was no name, simply a black heart emoji.
“This way, I can watch it later, when I’m missing you.”
Had he put himself in my phone?
He attached the video and pressed send before I could even protest.
“And you can watch it when you’re all alone at night, and wondering if you really enjoyed yourself as much as you think you did.”
Stunned, I didn’t fight him as he dropped the phone onto my pillow and rose from the bed. I simply lay there, fighting to catch my shaking breath as he pushed the dresser away from the door, and I heard the sound of heavy boots thudding down the stairs. It wasn’t until I heard the front door opening that I threw myself out of bed.
Gasping and panting, I fought to pull my shorts up over my hips as I heard the screen door groan open, and then slap closed behind him. I raced out of the room and hurried down the hallway, taking the stairs two at a time, but by the time I made it out onto the front porch, he was nowhere to be found. All I could see was a torrent of pouring rain, and all I could feel was the conflict raging inside my skull.