34. I wanna watch you change from a butterfly and into chains
34
I wanna watch you change from a butterfly and into chains
Moth
I t was finally cold enough that I closed the top of my convertible. It was well into November, and I wasn’t ready for winter. The leaves on the trees were a range of colors, from fiery red to lemony yellow and everything in between.
I hadn’t spent winter in my dad’s house for years. He was notorious for waiting until the temperatures dropped below freezing before turning on the furnace, but as soon as I returned home, I would immediately crank up the heat. I just hoped it worked. What if it didn’t? The old fireplace had long been boarded up, but it was on the agenda to be fixed, but that would take a while.
Now, I sat in the front seat of my car, staring at the old, abandoned vet clinic on the outskirts of town. The low, evergreen hedges out front were overgrown, long pieces reaching out like tentacles to grab at passersby. The clapboard siding, painted a deep, earthy brown, was faded and peeling, the paint curling up and sloughing off in long strips to reveal a pukey green underneath. The windows were caked with grime and cracked in places, spiderwebs taking up permanent residence in the corners. Near the front door, a wooden cut-out showed the silhouettes of a dog and a cat—and opposite, a matching cow and goat.
Dr Addams had been both a small and large animal vet. He went on farm calls and then returned to care for everything from cats and dogs to rabbits and birds.
Could I do that?
Dr Addams was the best around. He was the vet who came out to put Gunner down, and also my childhood dog, Petey.
Could I ever be what he was? Did I have what it takes to work on cows and pushy horses that kicked and bucked at the slightest touch?
Biting my lip, I pulled out my phone and turned it on, going to my contacts and finding Amelia. It only rang once before she answered.
“Amelia’s crematory and pizzeria, where today’s loss is tomorrow’s sauce. What can I get started for you today?”
I snorted, rolling my eyes. Amelia could never be serious. She couldn’t be serious if her life was dependent on it.
“God, Amelia. What if I was your mom?” I asked, and she giggled.
“My mom is the one who unleashed me on this world. You think she isn’t used to this shit by now?”
I sighed. She was right.
“Hey, I had a proposal for you.”
Amelia giggled again.
“A proposal? I dunno, man. Tommy might rip me in half. ”
I barked a laugh.
“Not that kind of proposal! I mean…” I stopped, pulling my lip into my mouth and tearing at the skin with my teeth. “What would you think if I said we could work together?”
“You mean a chance to get out of this shithole and be closer to my best friend and my new boyfriend? Sign me the fuck up. I’ll pack tonight.”
I knew I could count on Amelia.
“Well, it’s not set in stone yet, but I was thinking about buying the old clinic in town and fixing it up. There isn’t a vet in Cottonwood Falls anymore and with all the farmers around here…”
“So, what’s holding you back?”
“Well, it needs a lot of work,” I said, looking back at the building. It seemed to be mocking me, with its sagging shutters and drooping gutters.
“Let me crash in one of your spare bedrooms until I get a place of my own, and I’ll help with all the work, dude. Say the word.”
All signs were pointing to yes. Everyone was telling me I should do it. Even Tommy thought it was a good idea. So what was holding me back? Amelia and I had talked about this for years—running our own practice. Now that I had the money, thanks to my dad, why not make our dream a reality?
“Okay,” I said finally, my voice shaking. “Let me call the realtor. I’ll let you know when I have the keys.”
“Badass!” Amelia squealed over the line. “I’ll put in my two weeks’ notice. This is gonna be great, dude.”
I wanted to believe her, but I was nervous as I hung up the phone. Pushing open the car door, I let myself out and walked to the front door. A for sale sign hung in the window, nearly covered over by dust. Thankfully, I read the name loud and clear. It was Tammy, and I already had her number on my phone. I found her name and hit send. It took a few rings, but she picked up, sounding slightly tired on the other line.
“Hello?”
“Hey Tammy! It’s Vanessa Harper. I was calling to inquire about Dr. Addams’s old clinic?”
I heard a bunch of shuffling on the other line, and when she spoke again, her voice was loud and clear.
“I was hoping to hear from you, Ness! What were you wantin’ to know?”
“Well, my dad left me a little money, and everyone’s been telling me I should consider opening the old place back up so we can have a vet in town again. So I stopped by today and I saw your number on the door and was wondering if I could take a look and—”
“I’ll be right there!” Tammy said, and the shuffling grew louder. “Give me ten minutes, Ness. That okay?”
“That’s perfect.”
The line clicked to silence, and I chuckled, darkening the screen and shoving my phone into the pocket of my jeans. This was happening.
A chill wind blew over me, and I wrapped my arms around my chest, pulling my white, oversized turtleneck closer around my frame. I’d have to break out the hoodies very soon. Maybe Tommy would let me borrow one of his jackets.
The thought stopped me in my tracks, and I blushed. Thankfully, no one was around to see it. It was a weird thought. Maybe I was too shy, knowing everyone would know we were together, but it was bound to happen eventually, wasn’t it? Especially if we got married, or I ended up carrying his baby, or—
“I’m here!” I could hear Tammy’s shrieking voice over the howl of the wind, and when I looked up, she was hurrying down the sidewalk, shrugging on her jacket as she shuffled towards me, a wide smile on her lips and a clipboard pressed to her oversized, bouncing chest.
“Hi Tammy,” I greeted her as she waddled up to me, her hair blowing out behind her and her cheeks red from the wind.
“Hey there, sweetheart,” she said, turning toward the door. “Let’s get on inside and get out of this cold, shall we?”
Stepping up to the door, she pulled a tarnished old keyring out of her pocket and slipped the key into the lock, popping the door open and ushering me inside.
The moment I walked inside, the musty scent of a building sitting neglected hit me in the face. I smelled the typical scent of a vet’s office—cat and dog urine, antiseptic, and the long faded scent of lit candles trying to cover it all up.
The front room was the same as I remembered it—blue plastic chairs lining the walls beneath faded anatomy posters and advertisements for Eukanuba and Royal Canin dog food. Along the opposite wall, a long, low desk sat in front of the door leading to the back, still decorated with brightly colored plastic eggs and pink and blue rabbit statues.
“Rick passed just a little after Easter,” Tammy said. “His daughter didn’t have the heart to come in and clean the place out, so everything is still here. The kennels in the back, and some surgical equipment. But I reckon if you plan on re-opening the old place—”
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked, stepping over to the light switch on the wall. I flipped it with a satisfying click, but the room stayed dark. The electricity was off.
“Needs a new roof,” Tammy said, turning away as she stepped up to the front desk, placing her clipboard down on the dusty wood and flipping through the papers. “Ray said he’ll give the new buyer a discount on that work, of course. Other than that, it’s all just paint and cleanin’.”
“How much?” I asked, running my hand along the wall. My heart pounded in my chest, my breath coming in short, shaking bursts.
Was I doing this? I was doing this, wasn’t I?
“A little over eighty thousand. Five acres out back, all fenced. Privately owned, by Rick’s daughter and son, of course, so no bank to deal with, and—”
“How soon can I sign the papers?” I asked, turning to her.
I was doing this.
Tammy looked up at me, blinking owlishly, before her eyes dropped to the front of my throat and she went silent, clearing her throat as she forced her eyes away, her soft cheeks glowing a dark shade of red in the low light. What did she see that had her blushing like that?
“Well, I’ve got ‘em right here,” she said, her fingers shaking as she flipped through her papers, pulling out a stack and laying it across the counter. She pulled a pen out of her jacket pocket and placed it beside the papers with a soft click .
Stepping up beside her, I didn’t meet her eyes as I picked up the pen. I didn’t read the papers. I didn’t need to. I signed at the bottom, my hand shivering and the ink jumping across the whiteness of the paper. I repeated the process twice more, and when I’d finally finished, I sat the pen down with a slap of plastic on wood and a soft, whooshing release of breath.
I did it.
“That was simple enough, I guess,” Tammy chuckled, reaching out and gathering up the papers, tapping them across the counter as she gathered them in a neat little pile. “I’ll call Laura and Nathan and let them know their dad’s old place sold. Glad to see it’ll be serving its purpose once again.”
When she reached out a hand to shake mine, it wasn’t lost on me how she looked at the floor and not my eyes. Eyebrows furrowed, I blinked at her.
“Somethin’ wrong?” I asked, and I watched her shoulders tense as she sighed, looking up at me with a glance that fell to the front of my neck. She cleared her throat when she turned away.
My hand raised to the neckline of my turtleneck, fingers dancing across the front of my collar.
“Oh, I’m sure it’s nothing,” she said with a forced chuckle. She waved a hand between us as if pushing the subject off the table entirely.
“What?” I asked. Something in my stomach told me I didn’t want to know, but at this point, my pride wouldn’t let me let it go.
“It’s just that…” she sighed, clipping the stack of papers to the clipboard once again, and holding it to her chest, tucking it into the safety of her jacket as she straightened. “People have been talkin’. Small-town gossip, I’m sure. Nothin’ to worry your pretty little head about.”
The look on her face was telling—like a terrified rabbit running from a pack of hunting dogs, desperate to make it into her den before their fangs pulled out her fur.
Was I the dog in this situation? Or was it someone else?
“Talking about what?” I asked.
She sighed, and the look on her face was like a mom being asked about sex for the first time. She was uncomfortable, and it showed.
“Tommy Eades has been hangin’ around a lot, is all,” she says, and the color in her cheeks darkened.
“So, what’s wrong with that?”
Confusion had given way to anger, and my heart was racing again. When I lifted a hand to flick a stray bit of hair out of my eyes, my fingers were cold and shaking. Was it that there was no heat in here, or had my anger sucked all the blood out of my extremities?
“Well, it’s just…” She stopped and looked down at the floor with narrowed eyes as if the conclusion she was struggling to reach was written across the floorboards for her to see. “He’s quite a bit older than you, and—”
“I am an adult,” I bit, and when the words reached my ears, they sounded venomous, even to me. “So it doesn’t matter how old he is, does it?”
She sighed, and when she looked up at me she had a sort of disappointment in her eyes that only made me madder.
“Sweetheart, what would your daddy say? ”
I saw red. Something in me snapped, and I lunged forward, snatching the keys off the counter and shoving them into my pocket as I turned toward the door.
“My dad would be happy that I was happy. My dad would be happy that I found someone who makes me feel comfortable and safe now that he’s gone and I have no one left. My dad would be comfortable with the fact that I was content, and it was someone good and kind and sweet, and kept to him-fucking-self, which is more than I can say about some people in this town.” A wicked grin split my lips, and I turned to face her. “As for my daddy? Well, you’ll have to ask Tommy about that, won’t you?”
I pulled down the front of my turtleneck to reveal the collar gleaming around my neck, and the way the blood drained from her face told me everything I needed to know.
Let her gasp. Let her eyes widen so far that they were in danger of falling out of her face entirely.
Let her talk. Let them all talk.
I stomped out the door, slamming it back against the wall so hard that it cracked the plaster.
Fuck. I’d have to fix that, too. Worth it. It was all worth it.
I hurried into my car and slammed the door closed, throwing it into reverse just as Tammy appeared at the door, white as a ghost as she appeared in the dim light of a late fall day. She looked dumbfounded, and I liked it.
I slammed my foot down on the gas and tore out of the parking lot, leaving her coughing in the exhaust and feeling more proud of myself than I could remember feeling in a long time .
It wasn’t until I was halfway home that it hit me, and my heart dropped down into my stomach, tears prickling the corners of my eyes and sticking in my throat until it hurt with every swallow. By the time I pulled into the driveway, my vision was swimming with tears, so much so that I couldn’t see anything but swirling colors and waves of saltwater as I tossed the car into park and yanked the keys out of the engine.
How dare she judge me like that? How dare she assume and say Tommy was too old for me? Who gave her the fucking right?
I didn’t even see him standing there until he was pulling open the car door, and the moment I smelled his familiar scent, I broke. I pulled in a shaking breath, my lungs burning and my throat aching.
“Moth, what’s wrong?”
His deep baritone was my safety net as I fell apart, dissolving in a fit of tears so violently that I shook with every ragged inhale. I felt him reach across me, his fingers finding the seatbelt and clicking it off, pulling it over and putting it in place before he pulled me into his arms and pressed me against his chest. I found myself enveloped in the smell that had gone from my worst nightmare to my favorite daydream in a couple of months.
“What happened?” he asked, and I heard his tone shift from worried to angry. And I reveled in that anger, I swam in it like a comforting bath that cleansed me of all unhappiness. “Who do I need to hurt? Give me a name.”
I shook my head, my chestnut waves sticking in my tear-stained face as I blinked away the tears and pulled back, forcing myself out of his arms to look up at him instead. A shaking hand shoved into my pocket, numb fingers finding the keyring and pulling it out of my pocket. I showed it to him, clutching it in my palm as I held it in front of his eyes, and his whiskey-barrel depths looked confused and then worried when I began to laugh—a low chuckle that morphed into a manic giggle.
“I-I did it,” I told him, sniffling as I smiled. “I b-bought the old clinic. I bought it. It’s… It’s mine. It’s ours.”
I watched his handsome face shift from concern to happiness and then to worry, his eyes darkening as he looked up at me.
“Is that why you’re crying?” he asked. “A-are you happy? Is that it?”
I shook my head.
“No. No, it’s not that. Its…” I trailed off, shaking my head. “Tommy, let’s get married.”
I swallowed hard, shoving past the apprehension that stuck in my throat.
“I want everyone to know. I want to tell the world. I want to be your wife.”
I watched his face morph into something unreadable, and then happy and confused at the same time.