36. Repose, my love, I’ve sinned enough for the both of us
36
Repose, my love, I’ve sinned enough for the both of us
Moth
D ays turned into weeks, then months, and before I knew it, the first snowflakes danced from the sky. After the day in the graveyard, he’d taken me to the courthouse, and now I had a ring on my finger, a gleaming white gold band with seven diamonds. We only told Amelia, who had moved in by then, taking my dad’s old bedroom, and she and Carl came with us as we said our vows. Amelia cried, and Carl held her as she did. It was beautiful, if not small. It was a nice, quiet night. I felt content for the first time in a long time.
I had a future to look forward to—with Tommy and the practice. I had my best friend here, right alongside me.
We had a plan now, for how to fix our old building, and if we could manage it, we were hoping to open next spring. Everything was looking up.
Stepping out of the courthouse wearing one of my mom’s old white milk-maid dresses, a pair of her white boots, and an old grey and white faux fur coat she’d loved, I looked up at the darkening sky. Amelia stood beside me, wearing a long red dress, her hair done perfectly and her makeup done to match. The snow danced around us, floating out of the sky and melting across the sidewalk as I stepped down and moved down onto the old, worn brick road.
“What do you wanna do now?” Amelia asked, beaming as she looked over at me. She was happy for me—I could see how her eyeliner had run in raccoon circles beneath her eyes.
“I’m hungry,” I said, smiling up at her. “To the diner for the reception?”
Behind us, Carl and Tommy were coming down the steps, both wearing black suits and looking downright devilish.
“Hey boys!” Amelia called, and they both looked up at her. “Wanna grab a bite?”
They both shrugged and hurried toward us. Tommy looped an arm around my shoulders, and Carl grabbed Amelia’s hand, grinning as he hurried with her across the street toward the familiar low-slung brick building of Mae’s Diner. Tommy walked a bit slower, savoring his time with me, and it only reminded me of the first day we’d walked down this street together and how unsure and anxious he had been.
Now he looked… proud? Was that the right word?
Maybe he was. Maybe I was someone he could be proud to be seen with. I was his wife now. He had pursued me. That must mean something, right?
The wind whipped up around me, slithering over my exposed neckline, and the collar that still sat against my collarbone. I shivered, pulling the coat tighter around me as we continued down the sidewalk. The cold air stung my face, my eyes watering and sending a cascade of tears leaking down my cheeks.
Damn it. Damn. It would ruin my makeup.
Tommy must have sensed it, because before I knew it, he had leaned over, pulling me close against him and bringing the knuckles of his other hand up to wipe away my tears until they landed across the back of his hand, nestled on the wings of the moth inked there.
He’d tried to cover it up a few times, worried what the people of the town would say, and I’d flat out refused to let him, arguing that I had to wear my collar in plain sight, and I couldn’t take it off, and so he should be proud of his wings.
After a while, he gave in.
Finally, we stepped into the diner, Carl holding open the door for all of us, and smiling sweetly as we passed. I sighed in relief as the warm air hit me, bringing with it the scents of butter and pie, whipped cream, and sizzling bacon. They were scents that would normally set my stomach into a hungering rumble, but today had a weird surge of nausea rising in my belly.
My heart leaped to life inside my chest, and maybe my eyes gave it away, because before I knew it, Amelia was on me, her eyes narrowed and her lips upturned in a knowing grin.
“What’s up, buttercup?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.
“Just a little queasy,” I said, shrugging.
I swept past her, ignoring her knowing grin as I hurried over to one of our usual booths and pressed myself as far against the wall as I could manage. Tommy slid in beside me, looking oddly pale but maybe a little proud. What was that look on his face?
“What’s wrong?” I whispered to him, and he shook his head, looking pointedly away as Carl and Amelia slid into the booth across from us. Tommy stayed stiff, and I glanced across the table at Carl, who seemed to be glaring daggers across the room.
Did I miss something? What did I miss?
Leaning forward, I peeked around Tommy’s wide shoulders. Across the diner, Tammy and Ray were sitting in a booth, whispering to each other like schoolchildren. Both of them were the occasional glance in our direction. Ray had his arms crossed over his chest, and the narrowed look in his eyes told me maybe he wasn’t quite picking up what she was putting down.
Hopefully?
Was that thought maybe just wishful thinking?
Behind them, Mrs. Rhodes, the schoolteacher, was sitting with who I presumed to be her husband, a short, stout man who was shaped rather like the Blueberry Girl from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Both of them had looks on their faces like something in the room had suddenly begun to smell like horse shit.
“What’s going on?” I asked, looking from Tommy to Amelia.
Amelia had a look of realization on her face, but before she could open her mouth to speak, Mama Mae appeared at our table side.
Mae, too, had acclimated to the weather. Mae had traded out her typical tank top and yoga pants for a heavy black cardigan with cherry embellishments, buttoned in the front, and thick blue jeans, rolled up at the ankles, and black ankle boots. She looked adorable, as she always did. Looking at Mae was like looking at the 1950s come to life.
She looked down at us, one perfectly groomed eyebrow cocked as she took in the scene and our expressions. I must have looked flabbergasted.
“Well, look at you,” she said loudly, looking down at me with one hand on her hip and a huge smile folding her features. “You look downright good enough to eat, little girl! What’s the big occasion?”
There was nothing but love in her voice, and the apprehension I’d felt slowly drained away. Across from me, Amelia had joined Carl in his glaring, and the unease began to rise in me again. Tommy was staring straight ahead, his fists clenched. I could feel the anger rising off of him in waves.
“We, uh,” I began, looking up at Mae again. I could feel tears choking me, prickling the corners of my eyes. Instead of finding my voice, I reached out my shaking hand to show her the ring instead.
Smiling, Mae picked up the glasses hanging from a beaded cord around her neck and slipped them on, carefully adjusting them on the tip of her nose as she looked down at the sparkling band on my finger.
“Boy, would you look at that,” she said, reaching out with her other hand and laying a heavy, if not comforting, hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “You sure do have some good taste, Tom.”
He jumped, slowly looking up at her and forcing a smile. I could see the anger in his eyes, and it scared me. Not for my sake—I knew he’d never hurt me—but for the sake of the ones angering him. After seeing what he did to Stephen, I didn’t want to see it again .
“Well, I’m happy for ya,” Mae said, her smile only widening. She dropped my hand, and I barely caught the wink she flashed me before she turned, glaring across the room where we were still getting looks and whispers. “And anyone who ain’t happy for you should be ashamed of themselves. You are both consentin’ adults and what you do with your lives ain’t nobody’s business but your own. So what, he got a few years on ya? My late Myron, God rest his soul, had seventeen years on me, and didn’t no one bat an eye—not that I saw, anyway. So if anyone’s got somethin’ to say? They can say it to me!”
She pointedly stared at Tammy and Ray as she spoke. I watched as they both paled and turned away. Ray pulled out his wallet and threw a handful of cash down on the table as Tammy turned tail and hurried out the door, her ears flushing scarlet as she scurried away. Carl chuckled, and Amelia barely suppressed a giggle as Mae turned back to us.
“Anyway,” she said, giving me a loving smile. “What would you like? As a wedding gift from me and Myron, it’s on the house.”
“Awe Mae,” Amelia gave her a hopeful smile. “You’re so sweet. People like you are the entire reason I was so excited to move here.”
“I do try,” Mae said with a nod. “And just know that there are more people in this town happy to see one of our heroes happy than there are judgin’ over something as trivial as a bit of an age gap.”
Happy that the weight in the air had finally let up, we ordered breakfast and thanked Mae heartily. After a few minutes, Tommy began to loosen up, and before long, he was smiling and joking along with the rest of us .
It was a speed bump we would have to overcome, but as I finished my food, it became the least of my worries. As I lifted the last bite of my omelet into my mouth, a wave of nausea so strong that it set my mouth watering instantly washed over me, and I dropped the fork to my plate, a hand pressing against my lips.
“You okay?” Amelia asked, looking up at me with an expression of concern. There was a spark behind her eyes, and I didn’t miss it.
She was thinking exactly what I was thinking.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I said, feeling a wave of heat overtake me, instantly bringing a sheen of sweat across my forehead. “I think I may need to step outside. Get some air?”
“I’ll come with you,” she said, shoveling the last bite of hash brown into her mouth. Taking the hint, both Tommy and Carl stood to let us out, promptly pulling out their wallets. Amelia took my arm, and as we stepped out of the booth and made our way toward the door, we heard Tommy and Carl playfully begin to argue about who was paying the check.
I stumbled towards the door, my head spinning and my stomach churning. The minute I shoved the door open and stepped out into the cool fall air, I felt a little relief—if only just a little. I felt the heat begin to recede, and the nausea started to throb just a little less.
“You thinking what I’m thinkin’?” Amelia asked, leaning against the side of the brick building as I fought to catch my breath.
I snorted, rolling my eyes as I looked up at her.
“I mean, duh,” I said. “We’ve been fucking like rabbits, and as far as I know, I’m not sterile. It’s bound to be… that.”
“ That ?” she spat, wrinkling her nose. “How will you be a mom if you can’t even say the word baby ? ”
It was my turn to wrinkle my nose. The word sounded foreign to my ears, as if saying it out loud would jinx it somehow.
“So, is there a drugstore around here, or do you have pee sticks at the house?”
“ Pee sticks ,” I groaned. “That’s so super gross.”
“No, what’s super gross is when you miss the stick and pee on your hand. So you got ‘em or are we stoppin’?”
“I’ve got a couple.”
“That’s good,” Amelia said, glancing back over her shoulder. “Let me borrow one, too.”
I could feel my eyes hell-bent on popping out of their sockets as I looked up at her, my mouth dropping open all on its own.
Wait. Was she telling me what I thought she was telling me?
“Amelia?!”
“Hey,” she bit, narrowing her eyes at me. “You aren’t the only one who’s been to Pound Town, ya know! I’m three days late… and keep it to yourself, would ya? Carl doesn’t know and the boys are coming.”
It was the longest, quietest car ride ever on the way home. Sitting in the back seat, I kept eyeing Amelia, and she purposefully ignored me, looking out the window as the trees and fields rushed by the window.
Amelia had never seemed to me like the mommy type. What if she got a positive right along with me?
We would be due close to the same time. Could she handle being a mother? On that same note, could I?
Or worse, what if she got a positive, and I didn’t? I was ready for this—hell; I craved this. I know I would be happy for her, but I also knew, realistically, I’d be feeling some jealousy, but could I keep it contained?
My heart thudded painfully in my chest as we pulled into my driveway, speeding up and slowing down with every pothole we hit. I’d have to buy some gravel to fill those in. I couldn’t imagine being nine months pregnant and driving down this damn driveway. I caught myself shaking away the thought. I couldn’t be thinking like that, not when there was still such a chance that it could be negative.
Sliding to a careful stop at the end of the driveway, Tommy flipped the key off and caught my eyes in the rearview mirror. There was something in his eyes that I couldn’t quite place, and then he pulled his brown hues away, flicking instead to the front door. He saw it before I did. Once again, there was a note pinned to the door.
My stomach dropped into my pelvis as he kicked the door open, hurrying out rather than stopping to open the door for me as he usually did. He had the upper hand, the convertible only had two doors, and so I had to wait for Carl to pile out and lift the seat for me to follow, giving him plenty of time to tear the note off the door and do what he pleased with it.
I waited impatiently as Carl stepped out of the car and then found the lever on the seat, all the while squinted through the tinted windows in an attempt to see what was happening. I saw Tommy stomp up the porch steps, but by the time he made it to the door, he had stepped behind the shape of Carl’s body and out of my line of sight.
Amelia reached out, taking my hand and pulling me to my feet, and by the time I caught sight of him again, Tommy was standing on the porch, looking out over the too-tall grass of the front lawn, his eyes narrowed and his brown eyes sweeping back and forth as if searching. Amelia gave me a knowing look as I stepped away from her and made my way up the steps.
“What was that?” I asked, coming to stand beside him, tipping my head back to catch sight of his eyes as he pulled his gaze away from the lawn and looked instead at me, something twitching at the corners of his lips.
“You don’t need to worry about it,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the keying. Quietly, he fed the key into the lock and threw the door open, one hand coming up to loosen his tie as he stepped over the threshold.
I stomped after him, listening to Amelia giggle as she and Carl came up behind us. Tommy sidestepped me, tromping past me and into the hallway, but he couldn’t shake me that easily.
“What did the note say?” I asked, following after him as he moved to the back door, testing the lock, his hand falling to the knob to twist it, once, twice, first one way and then the other, but it stayed put—locked.
“I’ll take care of it,” he grumbled, moving to step past me, but I moved into his path, my arms crossed and hip cocked to one side.
I knew him too well. He wouldn’t push me out of the way to get around me, and so he was trapped, exactly where I wanted him.
“Don’t play this game right now, Little Moth,” he growled, his eyes narrowed, darkening as he looked down at me, and any other time he would have scared me off. Now, I was determined. I wanted answers .
“I’m not playing a game,” I warned him. “I saw that note. Now I wanna know what it said.”
“I need you to trust me,” he said, but despite his words, he reached into the breast pocket of his suit jacket and pulled out a crumpled slip of paper.
“I do trust you,” I said simply, snatching the paper from his fingers and shaking it open.
“I will take care of this,” he said, sighing, but I was barely listening. “I’m not gonna let him hurt you.”
I see you, Butterfly. You’re a very deep sleeper, but you always have been.
Do you think he can protect you? How many days a week does he pull 24-hour shifts?
I swallowed hard, my fingers shaking as I handed the note back to him. Damn it, he had been right. I shouldn’t have pushed it. I really should not have read that.
Now I was afraid to be home alone.
“I’m gonna talk to Dale,” Tommy grumbled, gently nudging past me and toward the front door. “Carl, stay with the girls.”
“Will do,” Carl nodded as he stepped past him and out the door.
“Ness?” Amelia’s voice called to me from somewhere over my head, and I looked up, listening as I heard the distinctive sound of Tommy’s truck door slamming closed and the engine roaring to life.
“Yeah?”
“Come on. We got something to do. ”
I could see her sheet of blonde hair hanging over the banister over my head, and I nodded once, watching as Carl moved to the front door, flipping the lock and pulling out his phone. Carl and Tommy seemed about as close as Amelia and me, and just as in sync. He dialed a quick number, bringing the phone to his ear, and stepped into the living room, his voice calm.
Fighting to shake the unease that crawled up my spine, I steadied myself with a hand against the wall as I stepped around the banister and up the staircase, careful to yank up the skirt of my dress as I ascended. Amelia met me on the landing, her arms wrapped around herself and a cool, if not worried, smile creasing her lips.
“Come on,” she said, jerking her head toward the bathroom. “Let the guys handle it. We’ve got two firemen here, no one’s coming in that door without their permission.”
“Yeah,” I said, sighing as I followed her into the bathroom. I tried to shake away the fear, but it stayed there, gnawing at my insides.
That was the day my life changed forever.
I wasn’t surprised when I got a positive test result, but I have to admit that I was more than a little shocked when Amelia did, too. We both sat in stunned silence, the bathroom door pressed closed and locked against the outside world. It wasn’t until Carl came gently knocking on the door that either of us moved or spoke. Whispering fervently, we made a pact to keep it a secret until later that night, when we could tell both of them at the same time.
The time finally came well after nightfall, when Tommy returned. He was on edge, not saying much as he paced back and forth in front of the door like a wounded, caged animal.
Was it the right time? Maybe not, but neither Amelia nor I could wait any longer. Taking a deep breath in the silent kitchen, I mustered the courage to speak up.
“Tommy, we need to talk,” I said, my voice trembling. Both Amelia and I exchanged nervous glances, unsure of how he would react. Tommy stopped pacing and turned to face us, his eyes filled with a mix of anger and confusion. When his honey-brown eyes met mine, it was like the shore where the ocean met the land, and I felt his emotions crash down on me with the same amount of power they always had.
“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice hoarse with trepidation. I watched him look over, glancing at Carl, standing in the foyer and looking down at his phone. They’d both been on edge, like guard dogs with a scent.
All I wanted was calm. I needed it.
Amelia and I locked eyes, silently reassuring each other before I continued.
“We both have something important to tell you. Both of you guys.”
Carl stepped into the kitchen, eyeing Amelia from around the corner. His face had paled so much that it almost blended with his hair in one fluid color. Tommy’s expression shifted from confusion to realization, his eyes widening .
“You’re… you’re pregnant?” he stammered, his voice barely above a whisper.
I stayed quiet, watching as Carl turned to glance at Tommy as if begging for help, and then looked back at Amelia, who nodded, her throat bobbing as she swallowed, and tears welling up in her eyes.
Silence hung in the air for what felt like an eternity before Tommy finally spoke, his voice filled with a mixture of fear and determination.
“Are you sure?” he asked, his tone resolute.
“Pretty sure,” Amelia chimed in with a chuckle. “We both went to college, so I think we can read a pregnancy test.”
I watched Tommy’s face split into a happy grin, a chuckle burbling in his chest as he stepped toward me, dropping to his knees as he wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me close. He crushed me against him in a way that was claiming and possessive, but also as loving and gentle as he could muster, somehow.
At that moment, a weight seemed to lift off our shoulders. The secret was out, and despite the uncertainty that lay ahead, we knew we had each other’s support. Our lives had changed forever, but we were ready to face whatever challenges came our way as a united front.