42. If I surrender to the monsters in me, will it set me free?
Sheriff Banner
I would have stayed with her if I hadn’t heard the screams. Even then, it wasn’t a straightforward decision to make. When I’d first stepped out of my squad car, I had heard the gunshots, and even if I knew it was against protocol, I hurried out of the car, gun drawn and heart racing.
If Don could see me now, he would have been screaming and reprimanding me.
I could only hope he would have understood if he had known it was Vanessa I was here to save.
Now, the screams drilled into my ears, and I couldn’t ignore them.
“Hold on, Vanessa,” I told her, getting to my feet. I didn’t want to leave her, but what choice did I have? I stepped past her, my boots sounding across the porch as I stepped up to the front door, yawning into the darkness of the house. Just as I stepped over the threshold, my eyes adjusting to the darkness, I heard the scream of sirens behind me.
She wouldn’t be alone for long.
Inside, I found exactly what I feared I would. Barrett on the floor, Tommy looming over him with bloodied knuckles, his brown eyes blown wide and holding a hunger I’d only seen in animals before.
“Tom?” I said, my finger finding the trigger of my pistol.
Just in case, I told myself. Just in case.
Just in case… what? What was I afraid of? That he’d come at me, like some sort of monster?
As I held my pistol steady, the cold finger of fear began to drag up my spine, and I had to fight the urge to check over my shoulder.
Tommy was a good person. He was, I knew he was. A good person with a bad, bad shadow, and that shadow was what I was staring in the face right now.
Barrett, bloodied and battered, lay defenseless on the floor, while Tommy, consumed by a feral rage, kneeled over him. He was inhumanly still, looking down at his victim as if searching, but for what? A sign that he was going to get back up?
The screams, and Barrett, had fallen silent.
Realization dawned on me, and I let out my breath in a low, steady stream.
He was daring him to move again.
Tommy was a good person, I reminded myself.
So why did he scare the fuckin’ shit out of me?
I took a deep breath, trying to steady my racing heart. This was not the time for hesitation or fear. Barrett would die if I didn’t act… yet I couldn’t convince myself that wouldn’t be for the best .
I aimed my gun at Tommy as he turned, his wild eyes locked onto mine.
“Step away from him, Tommy,” I commanded, my voice firm and authoritative. But there was no response. His gaze remained fixed on me, his knuckles stained with Barrett’s blood.
“He hurt her,” he said simply, and the monotone, emotionless tone of his voice only shook me that much further.
I could feel my resolve waver as I stared into Tommy’s unsettling eyes. The sight of Barrett’s still and silent body sent a chill racing down my spine.
“He hurt her,” Tommy repeated, his voice devoid of any emotion. The words echoed in my mind until they replayed like a broken record. I couldn’t deny the truth in his words, but I also couldn’t ignore the danger he posed.
He was a rabid dog on the end of a broken leash.
Would I have to be the one to put him down?
Taking a deep breath, I tried to steady my trembling hands. I had to stay focused, to protect Barrett, even if he was a monster. It was my duty. I had taken an oath.
With every ounce of authority I could muster, I commanded Tommy once again.
“Step away from him, Tommy. That’s an order.”
But still, there was no response. Tommy remained locked in his trance-like state, unyielding and unresponsive. Fear gripped me, tightening its hold on my chest. I had to find a way to reach him, to break through whatever darkness had consumed him.
I heard a sudden, low, mournful whine and looked up to see Duke, his fur stained with blood as he cowered in the doorway leading to the living room. He had no wounds and appeared unharmed, yet there was no denying that fear overwhelmed him.
I had seen this before when tracking dogs came across a bear protecting a kill in the woods, and it was clear what Duke was afraid of.
There was a much larger animal in the room.
I took a step closer, my gun trained on Tommy.
“Tommy, please,” I pleaded, my voice desperate now. “We can fix this. We can find another way. Vanessa is hurt. The baby could be hurt. They need you.”
For a brief moment, a flicker of recognition flashed in Tommy’s eyes. His expression quickly turned cold and distant once more, extinguishing the hope that had ignited within me. The realization hit me like a punch to the gut—Tommy was beyond reach, lost in his torment.
With a heavy heart, I made a choice. I couldn’t allow Tommy’s madness to continue unchecked. The consequences were painful, but I had to do the right thing. With shaking fingers, I summoned what was left of my courage and I pulled back the hammer with a click of finality that sent a boulder hurtling down into my gullet.
“Tom, you need to listen to me,” I said, my voice shaking. “You got a little lady over there that’s bleedin’ bad and needs to get to a hospital. She needs you more than your anger does. Your child needs you more than your anger does. Do the right thing, Tom. You’re better than this—better than your daddy was.”
I watched him stiffen, his jaw clenching as my words penetrated his anger-filled haze. But as seconds ticked by, it became clear that Tommy was wrestling with his demons, caught between the love he had and the darkness that had taken him over. His eyes flickered with conflicting emotions, a battle raging within. A single tear slipped down his cheek, and I finally understood.
I understood because I had been there once. I had been so angry that I didn’t know how to handle the emotions as they whirlpooled around me.
In that moment, I saw a glimpse of the man Tommy used to be, and who he could be again—before the person he’d become after Vanessa’s return to Cottonwood Falls. A man who had dreams and aspirations, who cared deeply for those he loved. It was a flicker of hope, a glimmer of the person buried beneath the layers of anger and despair.
Silence enveloped the room. I watched as Tommy’s shoulders tensed, his fists clenched at his sides. The battle raged on within him, a war between the demons that haunted him and the love he still held onto.
“Tommy, please. Vanessa and your child are waiting. They need you to make the right choice.”
And then, in a moment of clarity, Tommy turned towards me. It was a small victory, but one that gave me hope.
I watched as he got to his feet, and when he turned into the light, I saw the extent of the horror that waited for me.
Blood had splattered across his face and caked in his beard. It dropped down the front of his grey t-shirt, staining it burgundy and sticking it to his skin. His hands shook, the knuckles bloodied and split. It wasn’t until he was hurrying past me, out the front door, that I saw Barrett and the state he was in .
He was a swollen mess of blood and bruises, barely recognizable as a human.
As I stood there, frozen in shock, I could hardly believe what I was witnessing. But somehow, he was still alive.
Judging by the rise and fall of his chest, though looking down at him now, I could see no humanity in him. But even in his disfigured state, I couldn’t help but see the remnants of the person he once was.
Now? He was no longer that kid I had helped all those years ago. He was a wild animal, and he had to be put down like one.
With a sigh, I re-holstered my weapon, my fingertips grabbing the slack of my trousers as I knelt beside him.
“I gave you a chance, Billy,” I said, keeping my voice low and my tone hushed. “After your daddy went away? Remember who helped you? I helped you. You said you were different now, and you’d changed, and you weren’t like him.”
I made a face, wrinkling my nose as I shook my head, looking down at him. I could see the hitch in his breathing, and his bottom jaw fell open, as if unhinged, but I knew it wasn’t. No, judging by the groan of pain, it was broken.
Good. I didn’t want to hear him speak.
“You said you’d made a mistake, hmm? Doing what you did to Vanessa? Do you remember that? And me? Well…” I grunted, somewhere deep in my throat. I didn’t want to admit that I had been wrong. “I was stupid enough to believe you. I should have put you down back then, shouldn’t I? Should’ve taken you out and shot you like the animal you were. But now? Now, there’s a chance at forgiveness. Now, you can atone for your sins as you ought to have done all those years ago.”
I knelt there for a long while, watching as the steady rise and fall of his chest grew more and more shallow, and more and more far apart.
“And I am sorry, Billy. I am sorry that you never really had a chance, not bein’ raised by a monster like you was. But you were never no different, and I’m sorry I ever believed in you.”
I watched him struggle, his broken body convulsing and twitching, as he tried to fight for what was left of his life—the second chance I had given him, that he had never deserved.
Before long, I heard a long, low, mournful whine, and looked up to see Duke standing in the doorway, his eyes on mine as he watched me. Maybe part of him knew what I was doing, and why I was doing it. Judging by the way he crawled to me, his tail thumping along the floor and coming to lie in the puddle of blood at my feet and his long snout resting on my knee, he saw that my corruption was just.
It wasn’t until Billy’s body lay still and his chest had ceased its movement that I grabbed my radio, my fingers shaking as I pressed the button.
“Hey, Carla?” I asked, and there was a long, telling pause on the other end.
“Yes, Sheriff?”
“Gonna need you to call the coroner, darlin’,” I said, my voice hollow. “I tried, but the boy’s gone. Did all I could.”
“Oh, dear,” she said, and I could hear her sigh from miles away. “Poor soul. ”
“Yeah,” I said out loud to no one, silencing the radio and returning it to its rightful place. “Poor soul indeed.”