Chapter 8
Heartbroken and Homesick, Because You Were Both My Heart and My Home
Aria
“Mr. Benson, I know that it’s frustrating, and I really am terribly sorry. But you simply are not in our reservation book.”
His voice grows louder. I have to move the phone away from my ear as he shouts, and his voice, it’s so intimidating! Awful. I’d love to give him all the rooms in the house just to not have to listen to him anymore.
“I made my reservation five months ago! Five months! I was counting on it. Do you know what kind of light this puts your B I think he’s got a new jacket.
That bothers me because, as long as I can remember, every fall William’s always worn the same old gray trench coat.
It’s faded and looks kind of vintage-y, with spots and patches.
I wasn’t aware of just how much it fit him until now, seeing him in his new biker’s jacket that doesn’t suit him at all.
“Will. What is that?”
“A jacket, Aria.”
“A leather jacket?”
His cheeks turn red. “Fake leather. I wanted, umm, to look snazzier.”
“Snazzier?”
“Yeah. Cooler. Like the young folks out there. The hipsters.”
“Oh my God, Will.”
He clears his throat. “Ruth, shall we?”
“Yeah,” Mom says and stands up.
“Where are you all going?”
William looks at me quizzically. “To the naturopath. You made an appointment for her there, Aria. You did, right?”
“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. Thanks for taking her.”
Shit, Aria. Your mom is the reason you’re back in Aspen. Pay attention to her! What’s wrong with you?
“See you, dear.” Mom slips the purse over her shoulder and kisses me on the cheek. “Remember to go shopping for the Halloween party.”
“Yeah, sure. It’s on my list. Right after I finish up the rooms for our evening guests.”
My mother scrutinizes me. “You sure you’re going to manage?”
I smile. “Of course, Mom. Don’t worry about it.”
“I’m always worried.”
“I know. But my grades are fantastic. I’ll manage it all.”
She doesn’t believe me. I can see it in her eyes.
And she’s right. My mother knows me, and, to be honest, back at Brown my grades had already kind of gone down the tubes after it became clear to me that I needed to get back to Aspen.
And I haven’t been to any lectures here yet.
Everything’s kind of overwhelming at the moment, though I wouldn’t have any problems if Wyatt wasn’t all over the place.
I quickly banish the thought, put on a smile, and nudge the two toward the door. “We’ll see each other later. Will, make sure Mom allows the guy to do his thing. If you notice her pretending that everything’s great, tell him that she’s lying.”
“I’d never do something like that,” she counters.
I open the door and make a sweeping motion with my hand. “Another fat one, Mom. If Daniel only knew!”
She laughs. My eyes dart to Will, and I raise my eyebrows, my silent plea for him to really pay attention.
He gives a brief nod, and his beard—which, as of late, he has been letting grow longer and longer—brushes his leather jacket.
He likes that. I think he finds it really cool.
Snazzy, this new-and-improved Will. Snazzy.
I spend the rest of the morning getting the rooms in shape. I put in my earbuds and listen to Taylor Swift at full blast while making the beds and cleaning the bathroom. Afterward, I spend about half an hour on the phone trying to understand what’s going on with the delivery.
Eventually I put the phone back down, fish my to-do list out of my back pocket, and scribble Grocery shopping for the week beneath Halloween preparations. I hover with the tip of the pen over the paper for a second, then add, Catch up on all the lectures you’ve missed. A second later, Forget Wyatt.
With a sigh, I lean back against the wall and stare at my wrinkled list. “How on earth am I supposed to manage all of this?” I mumble, then close my eyes and begin to tap my head against the wall in a steady rhythm. “How on earth will I manage all of this when he is all I can think about?”
“Man, Aria.”
I flinch and open my eyes.
Knox is standing in front of me, his leather university bag slung over his shoulder.
He’s wearing a gray Wellensteyn coat and brown Doc Martens, the same ones I’ve got.
Knox looks so incredibly student-like, it’s funny.
It’s hard to believe that he was once a sensational snowboard star who almost always left the house in sportswear.
“You’re talking to yourself.”
“Just sometimes.”
“Every day, I bet.”
I run a tired hand across my face. “Why are you here?”
Knox walks through the stone arch into the other side of the eating area.
The quiet is interrupted only by the sound of the coffee machine grinding beans.
A few seconds later, Knox reappears with a cup in his hand, sits down in the leather chair by the fire, and crosses his legs. “My laptop is fried.”
“Buy a new one.”
“I did. But it’s not showing up till next week. Do you have one?”
“Of course I have a laptop.”
“Can I have it?”
“Huh? No.”
Knox slurps his foam. “Why not? You don’t need it.”
“Of course I need it. I’m still going to classes.”
“Oh, right.” Another slurp. “Totally forgot. You’re always hanging around here at home.”
I wink at him. “Because I’ve got to help Mom out, idiot.”
“I know.” Now his voice sounds softer. He leans his head back and looks at me.
His eyes are even greener than mine. In the past, people often thought we were brother and sister.
Back when everything was simple and our biggest problem was whether we’d get together to play hide-and-seek.
“Let’s be honest, A… Why didn’t you ever talk to Wyatt about what happened? ”
“Because it’s pointless.”
“What if you’re wrong?”
“I’m not.” I push off the wall, walk over, and sit down across from him on the arm of the couch.
“I don’t care why he did what he did. Wyatt changed after being discovered and bought out of the NCAA right after his first year of college.
He lost his head. Parties here, booze there.
It was clear that sooner or later other girls would enter the picture.
That’s how hockey stars are. They don’t stay together with their high school sweethearts. ”
Knox grinds his jaw. “Can I tell you what really happened?”
“I saw the video myself, Knox. I know what happened. In detail and full color.”
“But if you…”
“Stop defending him!” He falls silent when I spring up from the couch and interrupt.
“He’s your best friend, and you would say anything to help him.
I get it. But he fucked up, okay? And, yeah, maybe it’s hard for me, maybe I’m not over it, but I will be, not today, not tomorrow, but at some point.
But if I start thinking about how things were, about what happened, then I’m starting all over, and that’s why I just don’t want to know.
So, drop it, Knox, really. I want to move forward, and I can’t do that when he’s all over the place without actually being here. ”
We stare at each other for at least three breaths before Knox exhales and raises his arms, defeated. “Fine, Moore. You win. Do I get your laptop now?”
“If you help me go shopping, you can borrow it until next week.”
Knox runs a hand through his hair as he stands up. “Of course. Halloween stuff?”
“And groceries for the guests. The delivery didn’t come.” I take my jacket from the wardrobe. “You coming?”
“Yep. Hey, Aria, are you going to be that dude with the ripped-out eyes again?”
“No.”
We step out into the cool autumn air. Knox presses the button on his transponder, and we get into his Range Rover. “Then what?”
“Dunno. Was thinking about being a moldy jack-o’-lantern.”
He grins. “You beast. Aspen can’t handle two of those.”
“What about you?”
“A pair of underwear.”
I stare at him. “For real?”
“A pair of cardboard underwear. It’ll cover my whole body, and just my arms, legs, and head will be sticking out. It’ll be badass.”
“You are sooo weird, Knox.”
“Says the weird lady who talks to herself.”
I laugh, but it dies when I realize that Knox isn’t taking the back roads to Target, and I see my ex’s house for the first time in years.
The house where I spent most of my childhood.
The white porch with its now rusty iron swing really looks abandoned, as if no one lives there anymore.
The house where his mom took me in her arms when my dad disappeared to the Hamptons, and I didn’t want to talk about it with my own mother.
The house where Wyatt and I had our first movie nights.
Where at some point our early kisses grew quicker, hotter, and all we wanted was more, more, more than could ever be enough.
“Hey, Aria.” Knox points at the fir trees at the start of Buttermilk Mountain. “You remember that night we saw those two wolves?”
I follow his eyes and smile quietly. “We were thirteen, yeah.”
“In winter,” Knox replies. “It was so fucking cold.”
“You stuffed your hands into your pockets and put them between your legs.”
“And you threw your chewing gum onto the ground. You said the wolves would eat it and their mouths would get stuck shut.”
“After that, I never wanted to see your hands again.”
“I washed them.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“No, really,” he laughs. “Not right away. But two days later.”
“You’re disgusting.”
“Man, come on. Of course I washed them.”
My lips form a small smile as we pass the forest, and I lose myself in the dark. “In the end, they simply took off, the wolves.”
“Yeah. No reason to hang around when they know that something’s pointless, right?”
I look at Knox. He’s got his eyes on the road. But I know what he means. And I also know he wanted to distract me until we passed Wyatt’s house.
“Thanks.”
Knox doesn’t respond. He just smiles. Maybe I can do that again, too, at some point.
Smile.