Chapter 11
Eleven
M ia’s house had never felt more overwhelming than it did on Sunday morning after a restless night’s sleep. No matter what she tried, Mia couldn’t think about anything other than a single word.
Crush .
Rita had dropped it so casually. It was like she’d expected Mia to know. Like Mia and Tori had talked about it and had a good laugh about old times. A strange sensation stirred in her gut.
Annoyance? Jealousy? She couldn’t tell, but she was getting sick of everybody knowing things about Tori that she didn’t. She was sick of feeling clueless. They’d been so close. How could Tori not confide in her about anything and everything?
Mia was sure that if the situation had been reversed, she’d have told Tori everything. She did tell her everything—or pretty close to it. Mia was pacing her kitchen, wondering how she could be so self-centered that she didn’t notice these things about Tori, when her doorbell rang.
The moment the sound chimed, Mia remembered what she’d forgotten. When her entire worldview was different two days ago, she’d told Daniela to come over for coffee on Sunday morning.
Glancing at her phone before she headed for the door, Mia’s stomach heaved. After dropping her off last night and sending the requisite got-home-safe confirmation text, Tori hadn’t texted her this morning. Had Rita gotten to her already? It was obvious that Rita didn’t think she was telling Mia anything new. Mia didn’t want Tori to feel embarrassed or upset. There was nothing to feel bad about?—
The doorbell chimed again and Mia forced herself to answer it.
“I brought pastelitos,” Daniela said, a big brown box in one hand and a carrier with two coffees in the other.
“Wasn’t I supposed to make you coffee?” Mia greeted her with a kiss to the cheek and relieved her of the insulated cups.
“I know you don’t have anything like King of Pastry in your sad little gray town,” she joked. “Gotta get it while you can.”
Mia couldn’t argue—even if Daniela’s reminder of her return home sounded ominous. Instead, she led Daniela to the living room where they plopped down across from each other on the couch. After talking about Daniela’s extravagant wedding plans for a seaside ceremony and the honeymoon through Western Europe to follow, the conversation drifted to Tori.
“I can’t believe you guys haven’t seen each other since high school.” Daniela tossed a mini ham croqueta in her mouth and pulled one of her legs onto the couch. “You look as inseparable as you always did.”
“When did you find out Tori was gay?” Mia’s question bounded out of her mouth before she’d fully considered it. She was so off-kilter.
Daniela sipped her cafe con leche. “Considering the all-girl school sitch, I was really expecting more sapphic reveals.” When she realized Mia was asking a genuine question, Daniela shrugged. “Girl, I don’t know. A heck of a lot later than you found out.” She paused as if searching her memory. “Maybe like ten years ago?”
“She told you?” Mia’s stomach heaved.
“No. My cousin dated her ex-girlfriend. But I mean… I wasn’t shocked.” She chuckled. “What’s the big deal?”
Mia couldn’t bring herself to say that she and Tori hadn’t just grown apart, Tori had dumped her without a word. Her pause was too long. Daniela put her cup on the coffee table and leaned forward.
“What aren’t you telling me?” Daniela searched her face before tipping her head to the side. When a guess materialized, she looked ready to discount it. “Don’t tell me you didn’t know.”
Mortification leaked from Mia in a long sigh. “I found out at your house. Freaking Ashley Mora?—”
“She hooked up with Ashley?” Daniela shrieked.
“No!” Mia’s skin caught fire. “They had friends in common,” she added, instead of saying that they’d dated the same woman.
Leaning back, Daniela was quiet. Her silence made Mia desperate to know what was going on in her head. If she could choose a superpower right then, it would have been mind-reading. She was sick of not knowing what was going on.
“What?” Mia pressed.
“Nothing,” Daniela lied. Badly.
“Dani. What?”
“I’m not one to go spelunking in people’s business, Mia.”
Mia blew past her disclaimer. “What people? What business? Can you talk in full sentences, please?”
Daniela cringed like she was embarrassed. “I mean we all just assumed you two were…you know.”
Heart pounding so hard it was beating in her eyes and obscuring her vision, Mia’s mouth lost every ounce of moisture. “ You know what?” She needed to hear it. Needed it said out loud. Needed everything out of vague shadows and assumptions.
“It’s not a big deal,” Daniela said with a wave like she was clearing a smell. “It’s in the past, and we shouldn’t have been speculating?—”
Mia’s throat was so tight, it was hard to breathe. “D?—”
“Oh Lord, Mia. We thought you two were on the DL in high school, okay?”
“On the what?” Blood rushed in Mia’s ears, making her voice alien and strained.
Daniela’s neck flushed hard. “On the down-low. Hooking up,” she clarified.
“Who thought that?” Mia pressed her clammy palms to her thighs.
Daniela laughed. “Literally everyone. I mean, nobody cared. It’s not like y’all tried that hard to hide it.” She stopped laughing and looked at Mia for several beats. Her expression softened. “You really weren’t?”
Mia shook her head, her feelings a tangle in her chest. “What made you think we were together?”
Daniela reached for her coffee again, and Mia peeled her racing heart off the roof of her mouth. “I don’t know,” she said with a dramatic sigh. “Maybe because you guys were constantly together…constantly sleeping at each other’s house… I don’t know that I ever saw either of you get to school or leave without the other. You were always going off to be alone… And I mean, you were always touching her, Mia.” She chuckled.
“Well, yeah, we were best friends,” Mia replied with what sounded perfectly reasonable. “You and Emmanuel were like that. You went to Port-au-Prince with her family every summer,” she countered.
Daniela tipped her head to the side like she took pity on Mia’s sweet soul. “Yeah, babe, but I wasn’t always bailing on my boyfriend to go sneak off to a tree with Emmanuel.” Her response was a lethal finishing move.
“It wasn’t a tree,” she replied weakly because she had nothing else. “It was a roof.”
When Daniela was gone, Mia collapsed on the couch. Her heart wouldn’t slow down. Wouldn’t let her catch her breath. She closed her eyes and tried to reset her nervous system, but memories broke through like sword-wielding raiders.
Was it weird that she always gravitated toward Tori in a crowd? How she’d scan every room until she found her? The way her entire body relaxed the moment Tori appeared, like a switch being flipped. Like coming home. Why was that so odd? She loved her. Friends loved each other.
Their sleepovers floated to the front of her mind. Everyone had sleepovers in high school. They weren’t any different.
As soon as she thought it, Mia acknowledged that she’d never slept better than when she was with Tori. When she was wrapped around her, palm pressed against the warm skin of Tori’s stomach. The steady rise and fall of her chest more soothing than any meditation app on her phone. The scent of her skin had been better than any sleeping pill.
Even now, all these years later, Mia remembered how it felt to trace abstract patterns on Tori’s skin while they talked about nothing and everything. To feel Tori’s muscles jump under her fingers when she laughed.
Her chest tightened. Oh .
Oh shit .
Mia sat up so fast that it made her lightheaded. Her heart thundered against her sternum like it was trying to break free. Like it knew something her brain was just beginning to process. Like it wanted to look her in the face when it taunted her with a finally, bitch eye roll.
Didn’t all best friends memorize the exact spot on each other’s skin that gave them goosebumps? Being jealous when they had to share them with other people was normal, right? Other people felt electricity dance across their skin when their best friend’s fingers brushed against theirs, she was sure.
She just had never felt like this about anyone else because she’d never had a friendship that close again. But that was just part of getting older. The depth of interpersonal relationships changed.
As if to prove a point, Mia’s mind turned to the bright and undeniable now . And now… Now her skin tingled every time Tori smiled at her. Her heart still raced when Tori got too close. The urge to touch her was still there, burning under her skin like a fever.
“Fuck,” she whispered into the empty room like some unseen being was waiting to spring forth with answers. To help her understand what was happening to her. What had happened with Tori.
Nothing came.