Chapter 16
YOU HAVE TO FACE YOUR FEARS
ELENA
It’s never been easy for me to express my feelings, and over the years that hasn’t changed.
My therapist helped me face them, not to be ashamed of crying, to show my pain, my frustration, and my discomfort, and although I’ve improved a little, I still find it very hard to talk about them.
Ana has spent the whole week sending me messages, asking if I’m okay, if I want to meet up to talk, and, not wanting to say no to her, I’ve been avoiding her.
I’ve stayed locked in my office, immersed in work, and I know she’s worried about me, so I listened to my brother and went to see her.
The last time we met was the same time Carolina confessed to me that Vicky had a girlfriend.
I was so stunned that I couldn’t even finish my ice cream; I grabbed my things and went home.
I didn’t want to see anyone; I just wanted to cry and let it all out, and I did that for hours until I fell asleep.
Imagining her with another woman hurt so much that, even after all this time, I still feel that pain, and I know I can’t keep this to myself no matter how much I want to, because as Jorge said: everyone cares about me.
At this point, it’s obvious that I haven’t forgotten her, that she’s still etched in my mind, that I still care about her…
love her. These past few nights I’ve been drifting between memories of our happy days and sad moments, of our fights, shouting, and frustrations.
I haven’t stopped wondering if we could have tried harder to find a solution.
Although there’s nothing to be done now because that’s water under the bridge, the questions still plague me, and I can’t just leave them stuck there.
After parking the car in a nearby square, I decided to take a walk and enjoy the ocean views from this part of the island.
The village of San José, located in the northwest of Ibiza, is one of the most beautiful; its beaches are incredible, with turquoise water so clear you can see the seabed and a sense of peace that touches your soul.
It’s wonderful and very healing. Ana’s parents, after spending so many summers here, decided to buy a house, and in the end, she stayed to live there.
This worked out perfectly for me after my divorce because she became a pillar of strength that I clung to tightly so I wouldn’t fall.
With a sigh caught on my lips, I leave the lookouts and head into the nearby alleys to reach my destination and ring the doorbell.
I didn’t let her know I was coming, but it takes a moment before the lights come on and Ana opens the door.
“Am I coming at a bad time?” I ask curiously. “You look like you’ve been through a lot…”
“If you’d answered my call, you would’ve helped calm my nerves,” she replies. “Did you know Inaki was coming today?”
“Oh…” I clasp my hands together apologetically. “After what happened, Carol and I forgot to mention it to you. Jorge told me that he and Pablo had planned to travel earlier.”
“Oh well…” She huffs and lets her arms drop in defeat. “I guess I’m not the only one who’s going to have to face the past at this wedding. Come on in, are you hungry?”
“Are you seriously asking me that?” I say, and she starts laughing. “I ate hours ago with my brother; I’ll eat anything you put on the table.”
“It’s just that my mom left me a tuna sandwich that I don’t think I can eat all by myself,” she explains as I accompany her to the small indoor terrace.
When I step through the beaded curtain, the sound of the little birds in their cages welcomes me, and I walk over to my favorite one to take a look. “She sends her regards, by the way.”
“Did you tell them about the wedding? My brother mentioned that they’re invited and that he doesn’t know if they got the invitation.”
“Yes, but I still don’t know if they’ll go or not.” She shrugs. “I think they have a trip planned.”
“Well, good for you. That way you can get as close to Inaki as you want without them watching your every move,” I add with a mischievous smile. “How long has it been since you’ve seen him?”
“Last year…” She sighs wistfully. “I wonder who put the idea of a summer fling in my head.”
“Hey, if I hadn’t pushed you, Inaki would’ve hooked up with another girl in Bilbao. And you’ll love to hear that he’s not seeing anyone,” I announce, putting my hands on my hips. “Jorge told me he’s still single.”
“What!?” Ana’s eyes light up and I burst out laughing. “Don’t laugh, you idiot! You should’ve told me! Have you seen my hair!? I haven’t even shaved!”
“Oh, yeah, poor hairy Cro-Magnon woman…” I tease her and give her a big hug to calm her nerves. “You look gorgeous. You just have to be natural with him and let everything flow, okay?”
“What if things have cooled off?”
“Well, if that happens, you’ll just have to learn to live without him…”
The moment I say those words, I pull away from her to run a hand through my hair and brush it out of my face.
“Are you okay?” “I wish,” I think, and shake my head a couple of times. “I knew you weren’t. Why haven’t you replied to my messages?”
“Because I hate having to talk about all this after so long…” I admit once I sit down in one of the wooden chairs on the terrace. “It’s not easy to accept that I still care about Victoria. I’ve tried everything to turn her into a memory, to suppress my emotions and force them to sleep.”
“But you haven’t been able to…”
“It’s worse than that,” I sigh, wrinkling my nose. “Ever since I found out she has a girlfriend, I haven’t stopped wondering about that woman—or the others who’ve come and gone in her life since I left—because…”
“And why didn’t you ask your brother and me for help?”
“Do you two have a cure for heartbreak? This is my own business. Although, looking on the bright side…” I whisper. “Maybe this is what I need to cut all the ties that still bind me to her.”
“What?” she asks, not understanding what I mean.
“Seeing her with her partner,” I nod and begin to run my fingers through my hair with a worried expression. “That will help me let go of my feelings for Victoria.”
“You think so?”
“I’ve spent the last five years reliving every moment, wondering if we could have done something to save our marriage,” I explain, and I feel my throat go dry and a knot form in my stomach. “Facing her, facing reality, will help me move on with my life.”
Ana crosses her arms and bites her cheek in silence. I know she’s thinking about something from the way she looks at me, and when she opens her mouth, I tuck my hands under the table, afraid she’ll see how nervous I am.
“I think you’re scared out of your mind,” she says, not hiding her thoughts from me. “And even if you deny it, I know you’re terrified of the idea that Victoria might be happier with that woman than with you.”
“She can be happy with someone else,” I reply when I hear her.
“But it would break me into a thousand pieces to know that I was incapable of making her happy. Do you understand?” I clarify, feeling my eyes well up with tears.
“I fought for Victoria until the very end, but she…” I move my hands until my palms rest on the glass of the table, “she just kept pulling away little by little until what we had became empty. We yelled at each other so many times, I begged her for a little attention, I asked her to go back to being who she was, and…”
“Maybe the magic just wore off,” she says, and suddenly I feel as if an arrow has pierced my chest. “You’ve told me a thousand times what happened, but sometimes that’s just how it goes, Elena. You’re not the only couple who split up shortly after getting married.”
“But our bond was too strong!” I recall, raising my voice a little. “That job pulled her away from me and…”
“And did you ask her to quit?”
“No. I knew how important it was to her, but I could have… just…” Tears stream down my cheeks. “I just needed to know she was still the same woman I fell in love with.”
“I wonder what she’s thinking right now.”
“I’m sure she’s too busy to dwell on what happened so long ago,” I say, picturing Victoria with her glasses and her brown hair falling over her shoulders. “Besides, she’s with someone else. I don’t think she cares enough to think about this.”
“Well, my friend, you’re going to have to face your fears,” she laments, standing up before disappearing through the terrace door and reappearing with something to drink. “Carolina told me she’s arriving in a few days.”
“Yes, her room is booked for Friday.”
“You should use your fear to make yourself stronger and show her that you’ve moved on too,” she advises. “Or would you rather she see you crying in the corners?”
“I’m not going to cry in the corners!”
“Then listen to me for once!” she demands.
“You’re not the same anymore. Look in the mirror!
Even your brother says so,” she remarks as she fills a couple of glasses with that lemon liqueur we both love so much.
“You’re stronger, you’re running the hotel all by yourself, you look gorgeous, and, believe me, Victoria has no idea what she’s going to find here, so you should take advantage of it. ”
“You’re crazy…”
“But you love me, and you know what I’m saying isn’t crazy.” She points a finger at me and takes a quick sip from her glass. “She has to realize that you, my friend, are a treasure she let slip away because she’s an idiot.”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to do it…”
“You’re not alone.” She winks at me. “I’ll always be by your side. You know that if I have to choose, you’re my priority.” At that moment, I stand up and, without saying a word, sit on her lap and hug her, burying my face in her beautiful curly hair. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re the best friend anyone could ever have.”
“Tell the truth.” She raises an eyebrow. “I’m the salt that gives your life flavor.”
And just like that, with that sentence, we both burst out laughing and the bad vibes disappear, fading away, relaxing our hearts and inviting us to enjoy one of our special nights together.