Chapter 16
My Mind Is a Battlefield
Paisley
That latte macchiato from two hours ago definitely didn’t have a positive effect.
If I could have one wish at the moment, it’d be a caffeine drip.
In my mind’s eye, I see myself out on the ice, one hand out for balance, the other pulling an infusion stand behind me.
Last night’s bass is still ringing in my ears.
With fumbling fingers, I bind my hair into a bun, grab my skates, and leave the changing room.
Training hasn’t begun yet, so I take the stairs up to the iSkate lounge.
Most of the time, it’s full of mothers watching their young ice-skating daughters.
Minneapolis wasn’t any different; all day long they’d drink coffee, gossip about the girls’ outfits, and purse their lips whenever their own daughter didn’t land a jump.
When I was younger, I always wished my mom would be one of them, watching and waiting for me at the end of the day.
Maybe even treating me to a burger at Wendy’s afterward before going home.
But she never did. Instead, she let total strangers pay her to give them hand jobs. Or more.
The server behind the counter smiles understandingly when with heavy eyes I ask for a strong coffee. She hands me a large mug. I thank her, turn, and look around the lounge. I see Aaron, Levi, and Gwen at one of the back tables.
“You can’t bring that, Gwen,” I hear Aaron saying as I approach the table. He runs a hand through his red hair, pushing it out of his face before it simply falls down again.
Levi nods. “Your dad would have your head.”
“Only if I don’t pull it off,” Gwen replies.
Fidgeting in her chair, her hands clasping a cup, she gives the impression of an excited child waiting on Santa to bring the gifts.
I notice that she’s dyed her hair. Instead of the formerly rosé color, from her shoulders down her brown mane now is a daring silver.
“If you don’t pull what off?” I ask, pulling up a chair. Gwen squeals, throws her arms around my shoulders, and hugs me.
That’s when it happens. My heart begins to race, my hands begin to sweat, and my chest constricts.
Her embrace triggers panic; the pressure and proximity catapult me back to Minneapolis.
Suddenly, they are no longer Gwen’s arms, but his.
No longer Gwen’s floral perfume, but his sharp aftershave.
Not Gwen’s soft skin, no, but his scratchy stubble.
My head is spinning, an unending whirlwind raging and killing all the colorful flowers that over the last number of days have found the strength to grow.
And yet, every feeling of pain is an experience, too, and every one of them makes a nest for itself inside me.
They never really disappear. Sometimes any little old thing can bring them back to life.
The panic came up quick, overpoweringly and unexpectedly. I feel like I’m back there again. Back in that house. And it hurts. It really fucking hurts.
“Gwen,” I hear Aaron say. In my head it sounds far away and dull somehow, as if I was underwater. “Let go of her!”
Almost immediately, I sense her pull her arms away. I feel free, the fetters around my chest disappear. I gasp for air and, luckily, the dots in front of my eyes soon disappear and my heartrate goes back to normal.
Gwen, Aaron, and Levi are staring at me. They all have the same concerned look on their faces.
“Everything all right?” Aaron asks, his forehead wrinkled. “You’re paler than Harper was when Polina told her that her Lutz was a catastrophe.”
“All good,” I murmur. My hands are trembling slightly as I wipe them off on my pants. “It’s just my circulation. Knox…didn’t let me sleep all that much.”
Gwen’s eyes widen and Levi’s dark eyebrows shoot into his forehead.
When I realize what they must be thinking, I let out a sigh. “People. Do you all only connect Knox with sex?”
“Yeah,” Gwen and Levi answer in unison.
Aaron looks from me to Levi and back before shrugging and adding, “I shall hold my tongue, but the other two are right. Everything you hear about Knox has to do with sex, parties, and scandals.”
“Then take the second category there. Yesterday was my first day of work and he threw a Project X party with total strangers.”
“His parties are always full of total strangers,” Gwen says. “Nothing strange there.”
Levi nods. “John McEnroe showed up once, but no one noticed but me.”
“Who’s John McEnroe?”
Gwen rolls her eyes and waves a bored hand through the air. “Just some tennis player that no one’s ever heard of. So, what went down at the party?”
I lean back in my chair and take a big drink of my coffee. “Wyatt’s sister did a striptease on the pool table.”
“She often does that,” Aaron says.
Levi nods in agreement.
“And Wyatt was getting it on with a woman in the hot tub to such a degree I thought they were going to have sex right there and then. Really. It was cringe.”
Strangely, my friends do not respond and exchange sheepish looks instead.
“What?”
“Well…” Aaron scratches his stubble. “We avoid the topic of Wyatt to the best of our ability.”
“Okay.” They’ve aroused my interest. “Why?”
Levi and Aaron immediately look over at Gwen, but don’t say a word. When I look over at her as well, she throws her hands into the air and sighs.
“Well, you’ll hear about it sooner or later. So. Between Wyatt and me…there was something going on.”
“And?” I insist, not yet understanding why that would make the topic taboo.
Gwen bites her lower lip and casts a brief glance over her shoulder before continuing. “Back at that point… I wasn’t totally myself. In any event, I know that Wyatt wasn’t exactly disinclined. That’s why I thought the whole thing between him and Aria must’ve been over. But, well…”
My mouth drops open. “Oh, my God. You mean it wasn’t?”
Gwen presses her lips, stares into her coffee, and shakes her head.
“But afterward it was,” Levi says drily. Aaron expands, “We don’t really know what happened. Shortly after, Aria dumped him and went off to Brown, when she’d originally had Aspen University in mind.”
“There were a lot of people at the party,” Gwen mumbles. She looks remorseful. “I wouldn’t be surprised if someone started a rumor about us. But…no idea. I don’t know anything for sure. Afterward, I stayed away from him.”
“God.” I look down onto the ice too stunned to say anything. Once I’ve collected myself to some degree, I shake my head. “What kind of asshole is that guy? Knox is a real lamb in contrast.”
Gwen groans. “Don’t say that. The two are like peanut butter and jelly. A real Dream Team.”
Aaron leans forward. His dark eyes focus on a point behind me, before he nods toward the stairs. I turn around to see Harper coming into the lounge in a purple outfit. She’s let out her bun, and her red hair hugs her waist with every step. “You heard about her and Knox?”
I sit up expectantly. My movement annoys me, but I can’t help it. My curiosity is simply too much. “No. What?”
Gwen beats him to the punch. “Apparently there was something there. According to Harper, they were together, but I don’t have any idea if I should believe that. Knox usually stays far away from iSkate girls.”
“Wyatt said the same thing yesterday,” I say, without letting Harper out of my sight. Her eyes look swollen and red. Has she been crying? Maybe even because of Knox? “But when I asked Knox about it, he clammed up.” I glance back to the others. “What’s the deal?”
“No idea,” Levi answers, and both Gwen and Aaron shrug, their expressions blank.
“No one knows why,” Gwen says. “Somehow it’s just always been that way.”
“Okay. Weird.” I sigh, finish off my coffee, and put the cup back on the table. “Enough about Knox. Why is your dad going to take your head off, Gwen?”
My friend rolls her eyes, pulls a hair tie off her wrist, and makes a bun. “Levi and Aaron are overdoing it.”
“If anything, we’re underdoing it,” Levi says, making Aaron nod thoughtfully before adding, “Gwen wants to add a triple Lutz to her program at Skate America, but her dad has only planned for a double.” Skate America is the next international Grand Prix of the season and what we’re currently training for.
“Why do you want to do that?”
“Because the double Lutz is worth less than the triple and will never get a chance to win,” Gwen replies.
Her voice drips with disappointment, and I can understand her.
It probably wouldn’t be any different for me, instead, I’m worried about not living up to Polina’s demands.
She’s worked a combination of a triple axel and a triple toe loop into my program, and, at the moment, I really have doubts about getting it together flawlessly for Skate America.
“And now you want to change your program behind your trainer’s back.” I pause. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Gwen. Talk it over with him again.”
“There’s no point,” she answers. Her body language is stiff, as if she’d made up her mind a long time ago. She lifts her chin, pushes back her chair, and stands up. “Training’s about to start.”
Aaron, Levi, and I look at one another as she hurries off.
“That’s Gwen,” Levi mumbles. “Once she’s got something in her head, no one’s going to stop her.”
“More stubborn than a bull seeing red,” Aaron sighs.
We all stand up to make our way to the rink.
But watching Gwen, how concentrated she is practicing the triple Lutz and seeing her wobble as soon as her skates hit the ice, I realize it’s not a simple case of being stubborn.
I haven’t known her long, but her ups and downs and behavior patterns that I’ve noticed ’til now make me think she, too, is fighting some kind of battle in her head.
One I don’t know a thing about. But I know how difficult it is for her to pretend that everything’s okay.
As if she were nothing but the energetic bouncy ball that everyone takes her for.
Because the most difficult thing is killing the monster inside without damaging yourself in the process.