Chapter 16
I hold my breath.
Tyler leans back on his stool, as if I’ve reached over to slap him or something. He hesitates, then says slowly, “Yeah, I remembered. Of course I did.”
I exhale, only a little relieved. I flash back on Tyler in the cafeteria pointing his finger at me, struggling to place my name. Oh, duh—you’re Ben, right?
“But you seem to have no recollection of how close we used to be,” I press on, my cheeks burning and my hands trembling.
But I keep going. “And that’s really, really messed with my head—more than you realize.
” I clear my throat. “When I joined the LGBTQIA+ Alliance, I thought it would be this incredible family where all of us knew what it was like to be marginalized, and we’d all include each other and be this amazing community.
But I’ve actually just felt more invisible than ever …
Things got better when I fell in love with Lucas, my ex, but when that ended, I just felt disposable.
And you made me feel totally forgettable.
You can be really careless, you know that?
You come into places and have no idea the effect you have on people!
Did you know Lucas broke up with me just for the possibility of being with you? ”
Tyler’s eyes get even bigger. “You know about him asking me out?”
I can tell by Tyler’s face that he genuinely had no idea Lucas breaking up with me was directly tied to him. I take a deep breath, and I think back to the moment Lucas ended things with me on Valentine’s Day.
I’d prepared a whole romantic gesture for him when he came over to my house: I’d filled a giant lime-green TANK Cup (one of the most popular colors) with a bunch of mementos from our relationship—an imitation-down feather, our favorite Lorcana cards, our favorite chocolate bars.
TANK Cups are an inside joke of ours. Whenever a new color would be released, the hordes of hydration-loving moms would line up down the block, and the second the automatic doors of the HomeGoods opened, all the employees would have to brace ourselves for impact.
On the day of the drop of the lime-green TANK Cup, Lucas and I held hands for the first time.
He gave my hand a little squeeze, letting me know it was us against the shoppers.
No matter how much verbal abuse would be hurled our way when we reminded everyone of the “Limit two per customer” rule, we had each other’s backs.
I wanted to give him this gift as my official invite to Quom, Queer Prom (which is just regular prom, but it’s what us queer kids like to call it).
But instead of swooning over what I thought was a very thoughtful gift, he handed the TANK Cup back to me, and his lip twisted and his twin eyebrow rings bobbed up and down as he looked as if he’d rather do anything else than say what he was about to say next, as if he was about to pull a Band-Aid off his armpit.
“I’m trying this new thing, Ben,” said Lucas, “where I go for what I really want, not just what I think I can get, and when I saw Tyler Travers, I saw the level of guy I wanted and … maybe I think I deserve. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least, you know, shoot my shot.”
Now, at the Hotel Ritz, I have a lump in my throat as I finish telling that story. I look down at the polished wood surface of the bar and collect my thoughts.
“Wait, Lucas really said that?” Tyler says. “Did you punch him in the neck?!”
“Nah,” I say.
“I need you to know,” says Tyler firmly, “that I was really confused when Lucas asked me out on Valentine’s Day.
I thought you two had been dating—I mean, the first words out of your mouth when I came back to Sandy Springs were that you two were dating.
But I assumed you’d broken up by then … which I guess you had …
that same day. Yikes, that’s pretty brutal. ”
I cringe. I feel pity coming from Tyler, which is the last thing I want.
“But if this makes things any better,” says Tyler quickly, “a lot of guys asked me out my first month at Sandy Springs …”
I glare at Tyler so hard my brow quivers. Tyler catches himself and says, “Okay, I know how that sounded—”
“We don’t need to talk about Lucas anymore,” I interrupt, closing my eyes.
“I want to talk about us when we were kids. What I really need to know from you is … were we friends only in my mind? Or are you just pretending you forgot? If you’re pretending, you need to tell me, and you need to tell me why, because that’s really cruel.
And I don’t deserve to be played with like this. ”
I gaze up at him for his reaction. He’s giving me that confused, curious look he’s given me so many times tonight, head tilted to the side. But now there’s another emotion mixed up in that look—it’s pure fury.
“Are you serious right now, Ben?” he demands, voice trembling. He slams his fist down on the bar. I jump in my seat. The bartender throws us a warning glance. But Tyler doesn’t notice. He’s too busy searing into me with his eyes. “You’re really just going to sit there and keep gaslighting me?”
I’m at a total loss. This isn’t the reaction I was expecting. “What are you talking about, Tyler?”
“Of course I remember our friendship,” says Tyler, leaning in close. “You’ve been one of the most important people in my life. You’re the one who forgot—or were acting like you’d forgotten. I’ve been dropping hints this entire night to see if you remembered me.”