Lilah

Chapter 29 Reassurance

? Grey ?

"Are you aware how talented I am with these drinks?" Jai boasts, twirling a bottle of whiskey in his hand.

"Are you aware of how much I don't care?" Roman turns up his shot.

"Are we gonna open the bar or are we gonna just sit here?" Theo pokes his head through the door to the back, "can I go home?"

Apparently we're already fucking open because the bell above the door rings and someone walks in.

"Isn't that..." Jai trails off and I look to who's walking in.

What the fuck does he want?

I stand from the barstool, walking to him and meeting him in the middle.

"What are you doing here?" I ask him, cutting the bullshit.

"I came to see how everything is going," he lets a smirk onto his face.

"You could've called Azalea, you don't need to see me," I send him a pointed glare.

"But I knew she wouldn't tell me the truth if things were going bad," Aaron shrugs a single shoulder.

"You just look for a way to get her to hate me," I counter. It's all he sticks around for.

"You're not wrong. I've got a good instinct. You could never deserve Azalea. She's too good for you," I feel his words dig into me and I snap my jaw shut to keep what I want to say from coming out.

"You don't fucking know me."

"I know more about you than you think," he chuckles, "you're the head of this whole thing, right?"

It's not like it was a fucking secret, he's not a special motherfucker for knowing.

"To the guys here, you're 'boss', right? That only makes me assume that you've got control issues. You're used to controlling these people, so you'd want to control the woman in your life too," He acts like he's some sort of fucking specialist.

He doesn't know shit. I'd die before being controlling over her.

"Get the fuck out of here," I send him a small shove.

"Why? Because you can't stand me being right? She'd never stay with you," he raises his finger to my face.

I'm going to break that fucking finger.

"A blind man could see you two would never belong together. Everyone can see that," he keeps his voice low.

"You're complete opposites. You could never work," he adds.

"Try saying that in front of her. You're fucking pathetic. You don't want her to see how shitty you really are," I glare at him as his little facade crumbles a bit.

I'm the one who's always had a bad feeling about him.

"You think you know everything about her just because you've fucked her," he sneers and I feel a vein in my neck bulge.

"She deserves better than to have you in her life, I fucking know that," I say without a doubt. Who talks about someone like that? I've fucked her? He's a piece of shit.

"That's where you're wrong. I'm her clutch. Whenever you fuck up, she comes to me. And guess what?" he smiles, "I'll always be there for her. She's known me for years and I've always been there for her."

This motherfucker.

"You're in love with her," I feel my jaw tense. Listening to his little speech it's obvious now. I thought he was before maybe but now I'm positive.

"And you're not," he tells me, "you'll never love her. And she needs someone who will love her."

"Get the fuck out," I shove him harshly toward the door.

"There that is," he throws a hand up, "that temper is gonna get the best of you. You're going to explode and she's going to come running to me."

I pick him up and throw him out the door, closing it and locking it once I shut it.

I walk past the now empty bar from where the guys cleared out. I push my way through the door and head straight to my office, locking the door behind me once I'm in.

I fall into the closest chair at the front of my desk, clutching my head. I feel my chest constricting and my breaths turn short.

Reassure, reassure, find reassurance.

I can't.

Terrifying scenarios where Azalea leaves me play throughout my thoughts. Scenes that feel real and inevitable.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, is he right?

He is.

*The day after the fight*

I'm fucked. Utterly and completely fucked.

Everything is my fault. Every piece of it. I don't deny it. I don't even know why I got mad that she asked what was wrong. She's always cared, why the fuck did it set me off then?

I knew it was inevitable. He's right.

I can't even walk around my place without feeling like an empty, sad fuck. How'd I live like this before her?

More fucking importantly, how do I fix this? Can I even fix it?

My frustration built up too much. I shouldn't have let Aaron affect me like that. I'd let words affect me too much when I was younger; I thought I was past that.

I thought I'd be fucking stronger by now.

'You could never deserve Azalea. She's too good for you.'

'She'd never stay with you.'

It takes me back to a fucked up place in a fucked-up house during a fucked-up childhood.

Never having reassurance, never being told something is wrong or right.

Never being helped, no matter what. The only words being spoken were words about how life is unfair, the world is unfair, no one ever gets what they want, and expecting failure, expecting the worst because you'll never get the best.

And I took everything that I kept in, out on the one person who cares. Maybe she could've been reassurance? The one single person who loves me and who cares not only about me but about how I feel and what I'm thinking.

Those words flew out of my mouth before I could think or stop them.

I regret every fucking thing. I regret telling her 'nothing' when she asked what was wrong, I regret telling her that it wasn't her business because it is her business.

She's so close to my feelings that everything of mine is hers, even my business.

I regret bringing up her dad. That was the shittiest thing I could've done. I regret not stopping even when her eyes started watering. And even more when she actually started crying. It hurt me to see that so why the fuck didn't I stop?

I regret not being happier for her when she told me she made a friend. She talks about making new friends and I was the fucker that ruined her excitement.

"Grey..." Jai drawls out, glancing at me almost confusedly.

"Are you okay?" Theo asks, walking closer, confused too.

I run my hand through my hair and internally curse on a nonstop wave. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

"I'm fucked."

"You're fucked?" Linc questions.

"Why're you fucked?" Jai questions, sitting in a barstool across from me.

"Is he on drugs?" Theo whispers to Linc. I might as fucking well be. I can't think clearly. All I can think of is her. So fucking beautiful. Why didn't I tell her that more often?

"She dumped me," for good reasons. She deserved better than I was talking to her. She deserves the fucking world but instead, she got me talking down to her like she was a piece of fucking trash.

Just like he said, she deserves better than me. Fuck.

I've literally proved everything he said.

I feel the guys' gazes go wide and look all over at each other. They don't say anything. Just like I couldn't say anything after she said she was done.

My heart stopped when I watched her take off my clothes and throw them at my feet. I went from barely registering what was happening around me when I was being fucking terrible to her, to being able to hear my own pounding heartbeat.

She can't be in Kentucky. She can't go to Kentucky. I'd do whatever the fuck she wants me to do but she's not here to tell me what I need to do. Or at Aaron's. Fuck.

"Why?" Jai questions quietly. I'm sure they think they're treading on thin ice, not knowing when I'm going to suddenly lose my shit but no thoughts have crossed my mind except for Lilah and how to get her back.

Why the fuck did I let her walk out? She should've stayed and I should've gone. I could stay anywhere and she can't. And now where is she?

"Because I'm a fucking idiot," I answer truthfully.

"Well, I guess she's one less thing to worry about," Jonas shrugs and everyone goes almost silent. I pick up the sweet tea that sits in front of me and I throw it at him. Glass and all. In shock of that, he doesn't see my foot coming right at his face.

He flies back in his chair and I sit back down calmly. I look up at the clock and find that it's two in the afternoon.

She should be at Terrip's.

I shoot up from my seat and in a usual ten-minute walk, it only takes me six to get there.

I'm not the best at apologizing. I've only apologized a few other times in my life. And mostly they've all been to her. But for nothing this big.

We broke up. She broke up with me. I need her back.

I spot her near the back, a cart of books by her side. My heart does that weird shit seeing her. Her hair is braided down her back and she wears a dress that makes her fucking glow.

She's always glowing. Even the first time I saw her she was glowing. Even now.

Was that why I tripped her when I first saw her? Knowing I'd be there to catch her, there's no hiding the fact that I did it on purpose. What was I looking for when I did that?

Thank God I did it though. But then I've messed it up.

That alone shows how much she doesn't need me. But I'm selfish and I need her.

My hands itch to wrap around her small waist and my fingers tense in a desperate need to always touch her.

She turns to grab more books off the cart and her eyes fall on my figure. Her eyes don't go wide and a smile doesn't reach her perfect lips like usual. She has no reaction except for the little jump which signals that I startled her.

She turns back around like she never saw me.

"Lilah," I mumble to her, pressing my hand against the small of her back. She moves out of my reach and it sends a bang through my chest.

But I deserve to feel like shit because I made her feel like shit.

"What are you doing here, Grey?" she asks. No lightness to her voice there usually is when she talks to me.

"I'm sorry," I try to meet her eyes but she doesn't look at me, even turning her body away, "I'm so sorry."

"Okay," she says, picking up a handful of books.