Chapter 16
We turned toward the cars when another one screeched to a stop and Eric and Daniel rushed out of it. Eric grabbed his wife. “Did you kill them?”
She shook her head. “They’re not here. They’ve gone missing.”
He pulled her to him and then after a second Daniel took her from Eric to give her a hug, too.
“I thought maybe I was coming to bury a body.” Eric laughed. “But okay. I’ll go home and ice Kit’s hand.”
She visibly swallowed. “I can’t believe he hit him. I’ve never seen Kit fight outside of a courtroom.”
“I wish I had gotten some swings in. His brother actually killed him. So, they are dealing with hiding the body now. They do like to keep the law unto themselves here. I mean, were you listening to the crap he was spewing?”
I stopped listening to them. Hiding bodies went above my paygrade. I was glad he was dead. He had killed children—including one of his own—and hurt my love. All my loves. He had gotten to live too long unscathed.
Eric touched the side of Phoenix’s cheek. “We failed you. We let that man into your life. I’m sorry.”
Phoenix caught his breath. “You know, Eric, I ah… I’m not sure what to say exactly. A lot of things went wrong. I can’t… I can’t seem to really focus on them right now. I’m just trying to breathe.”
His bio dad nodded at him. “Okay. Just know that’s how I feel. How we all feel. In case you ever wondered if Kit loved you—I know you guys think he’s hard—you should know he was absolutely going to kill him.”
Barrett cleared his throat. “We know you guys love us. It’s just… not always easy.”
“No, it’s not and that’s our fault.” Stephen spoke fast. “Not yours. Never yours. And our fathers would be ashamed of us because they were wonderful. We’ve always been so concerned with hiding that we haven’t… been enough out there with how we feel.”
Rosalind covered her eyes with her hand. “That’s my fault. I’ve always been terrified. I wanted a life away from here, but I didn’t have the first idea how to do it. Dina tried to tell me, but I was really consumed with trying to do it myself.”
“Maybe we should continue this conversation elsewhere and at a later time.” Daniel kissed her head. “Let’s go home.”
I wrapped my arm around Phoenix’s waist. I wanted to ask him if he was okay, but time and place was an issue here too. I didn’t know how much he wanted to say in front of his parents.
“Hey, you four.” Stephen stepped back toward the car. “I love my brothers tremendously. I would do anything for them. But I have never seen anything like the way the four of you are and always have been with each other. I just want you to know that.”
He turned his back on us, walking toward Rosalind and the car that Daniel and Eric had arrived in.
Like a zombie, I walked toward the other car.
We all climbed in together. Barrett didn’t turn it on.
We just sat there in the driveway silently.
Julian was up front with Barrett, and I was in the back between Jeremy and Phoenix.
He put his head down in my lap, breathing hard. I put my hands in his hair.
This had been an insane day. But as much as I was reeling, his entire life had just been upended.
His memory had just come back. His hair was soft, and I petted it slowly.
His eyes were squeezed shut. No way did he want to talk right then.
In the rearview mirror, I met Barrett’s gaze.
He was worried, and I couldn’t blame him. I was too.
As abruptly as he’d put his head in my lap, Phoenix sat up. “Anyone find it really fucking bizarre to see our mother holding a shot gun? I mean, did you know that she could do that?”
Jeremy snorted before he threw his head back and laughed. “Totally bizarre.”
Julian shook his head and some of the wariness in Barrett’s gaze lessened in its worry just a tad.
With my hands in my lap now I stared straight forward.
It hadn’t shocked me to see her with a shot gun.
First, it wasn’t her first time with a gun in front of me.
She’d done it when she thought she was going to get her brother the first time.
Also, she had a whole background that no one discussed where she grew up here.
They’d tried to marry her off to old men and she had traveled the country alone to escape them.
Yes, she was a woman who could take care of herself.
But, I was glad they were laughing. I wasn’t ready yet. I might never be again.
I rubbed my eyes and stared in the mirror. It was two in the morning, and no one was sleeping. I could hear the television on in my room playing at a low volume. The guys were all up doing things quietly around the house.
He had kidnapped Phoenix for the land? Because they wanted what the Lents had?
And Rosalind’s family had helped—probably murdering the children—because they were jealous?
Things were not very different here than they had been in Manhattan.
Was there anywhere where people didn’t do this?
Or was life really a constant war between those who had things and those who wanted the things others had?
Yeah… I was dark in my own head right then. Maybe I should call my psychiatrist. Oh that was right. I couldn’t do that. His brother had almost gotten Phoenix killed and had messed him up pretty badly for the rest of his life.
The door to the bathroom opened, and Phoenix walked in. I met his gaze in the mirror. He wrapped his arms around me from behind.
Finally, he spoke. “I would go through it again. I would choose to. If I had known that eventually I’d end up here with you.”
I whirled around. “No. I wouldn’t wish that on you. We’d have met anyway. So I would wish you never had to go through any of this.”
He shook his head. “Isn’t it the butterfly effect or something? We change one thing and everything changes?”
I took his cheeks in my hand. “Have you talked to Sam?”
“Thought about it, but I don’t feel like using that outlet right now, and I kind of think he is… happily preoccupied. I don’t need to mess with that right now.”
I shook my head. “What do you mean?”
“Oh you didn’t notice it? Yeah, Sally and Sam and his brothers. Pretty sure that is happening.”
My mouth fell open. “You think?”
What would that even mean? Would she stay here with them? It would certainly mean I could actually talk to someone.
“I do.” He leaned against the bathroom mirror. “We all need to try to go to bed.”
He was right. I lifted an eyebrow. “Do you think you’ll be able to do that, because I’m not sure I can sleep.”
Phoenix shook his head, slowly. “No. I need to go back to the Hamptons.”
I blinked. Okay. That was an abrupt shift. “You do?”
“Yes. Will you go with me?” He chewed on his fingernail.
I swallowed. “Wherever you go, I go. That’s the deal right?”
Phoenix tugged me to him. “Yes, but I didn’t live up to my end of that deal. You were alone and hurting without me.”
I closed my eyes, pressing my forehead against his shoulder. “You had your own pain to face, and I wasn’t with you.”
“You know it’s not the same thing.” He sighed.
“So yes, you’ll come with me. I’m going to assume my brothers will.
I’ll officially ask, but they’ll say yes.
Honestly, I think Barrett is about two seconds from exploding being here.
And none of us have gotten to deal with our grandmother’s death.
I need some space from my parents, too. Even this kinder, gentler parent thing they are doing.
It’s too much. We can’t undo all of the years of what has been because they suddenly got… affectionate.”
I supposed that was true. I might never really understand the intricacies of their familial relationships. Not ever. I might get close, but I hadn’t lived it myself.
He rocked me back and forth as a sound reached me from outside of the room.
Finally, I spoke again. “I don’t ever want it to be tit for tat with us, quid pro quo or whatever.
Maybe they’ll be some times when I do more for you guys or you guys do more for me.
” I suspected it was the latter most of the time. “But we’re not keeping track. Okay?”
He nodded. “You know, or maybe you don’t know, that one of the things that I struggle with is feeling worthy.
I lived when the others didn’t, and I spent the next years really drugged up and out of it.
One of the things that I was running away from was the feeling of not being worthy.
Worthlessness. I mean, why do I get to live this life anyway?
Why do I get to have everything when so many people struggle?
I’m not special. Anyway, add to that the not dying thing and I…
I just struggle with it. So I want to make sure I’m living up to your love.
Living up to the end of our unspoken bargain of getting to be yours and have you as mine. ”
I squeezed him tighter. “No. I hadn’t understood that. Not at all. Not even a little bit.” My voice hitched. “You are so worthy. You are beyond worthy. You are everything that is good in the world.”
He kissed my temple. “I think you might be the only person in the world who would say that or think that. Come on. Bedtime. There are no good conversations to have after midnight.”
That was probably true.
There was noise in the bedroom. Someone had climbed into bed. I pulled back from Phoenix.
“Leave in the morning?”
“Maybe by lunch. I’ll get Kit to get the plane.”
Okay. That sounded fine. That was right. They had a plane. I couldn’t really remember it, but they must have brought me in it. “Your granny had to drive to New Orleans and fly from there. It was hours of driving .”
He put his arm around me, and we walked toward the door. “That might be fun under other circumstances, and I’m being totally selfish, but I want to get there so I can see what I need to see.”
“Which is what?”
He visibly swallowed. “Where they held me.”