Chapter 7 #3
"I find that difficult to believe." Bracing one hand against the ground, he climbed to his feet. "The stars must have been visible from the window of your chamber, and no sane person would risk falling to her death down those stairs just to see the sky."
"Perhaps she would if she were missing home." Her voice caught, and she turned away, regretting her admission. "Why do I even try to explain? You would never understand."
Niall shrugged one powerful shoulder. "I have never attempted to understand anything save war. The battlefield is the only home I need."
Why did his indifference tug so at her heart? "If that is true, I ache for you and for those who love you," she said softly.
She could feel the tension pouring through him, his shoulders squaring, voice hardening. "I need none of your pity. And as for this love you speak of? Tell me, did you see it in my sister's eyes? She would have gloried in using that sword against me."
"She is angry. Hurting and afraid. She needs you to help her heal. And your mother, Niall. Surely, you saw how she looked at you? As if you placed the sun in her sky."
"She did not see me," Niall sneered. "She saw a boy who does not even exist any longer. A son who died with his father's honor."
"You beat your way into life beneath her heart, Niall.
She loved you long before you were born.
Nothing, not time or blame, stubbornness or the mists of her dream world, can change that.
You have a chance to come to know each other again.
Hard as it might be to take that risk, it is a rare gift.
A second chance to know your mother. One I envy you. "
He cut her off with a fierce wave of his hand.
"I will do what I can for my mother and Fiona.
But if you plan to indulge in a bout of female meddling, trying to mend things among the three of us, I would advise you to save yourself the effort.
I will tend to their needs because I am duty bound, but that is all. "
"You cannot possibly know what it is you are throwing away. But then, do any of us understand before it is too late?" She paced a few steps away from him. Her eyes turned up to the stars.
"All my years at the abbey, I was such a fool. Always waiting for my precious destiny to claim me. So eager, so certain I would embark upon some glorious grand adventure. The older I grew, the more restless I became, impatient, so eager to begin this wondrous new life."
She gave a strained laugh. "I never realized how much I would miss the people who loved me. I never knew that the days I sometimes hated, each so much the same, were so incredibly precious. I had everything I could ever wish for there within the abbey walls."
She turned to find him standing far too close.
"You are no woman destined to be locked behind those walls. You are frightened now, but if you returned to the abbey tomorrow, I vow to you, the restlessness would begin again, and you would find yourself peering over the walls, wondering what lay beyond."
"Nay. I have lived a lifetime in the days since I left the abbey. Learned what lies beyond the walls. Treachery and hate, pain and greed. And courage," she added softly, looking up at him. "But even courage brought only disaster. It has cost you more than I can ever repay."
"You owe me nothing," he said stiffly.
Caitlin sighed, hugging her arms tight about her middle. "I wish I could return to the abbey, wipe away all the harm I have done you. Leave you as you were when I found you sleeping upon the druid stone." Had the wistfulness crept into her voice? His gentled.
"We can never return to that place, that time, Caitlin," he said, gazing down at her, his face awash with mysteries ancient as the standing stones.
"Even if some enchantment could carry us back, I would not go.
Conn would only send another warrior. Another hand to hold the sword over your head.
I still do not know if I did right when I spared your life, what my defiance might cost you, my chieftain, or the people of Glenfluirse.
The one thing I am certain of is this: a cloistered life in the abbey is not the future you were born to. "
"But I love the sisters, and they love me. I was safe there."
The moonlight struck his face, and Caitlin was surprised to see his lips curl in a half-smile. "You spoke of destiny," Niall said. "If you were fated for a nunnery, you would not have been given this." He ran his fingertips lightly over the arch of her cheek. Caitlin trembled.
"A face fair as the lily you were searching for the day I first saw you. Aye." His voice dropped low. "That is what you are. Lily Fair. No man who saw you could ever let you lock yourself away from his sight."
Strange, such beautiful words coming from this hard warrior. Never would she have expected them. Longing pulsed in Caitlin for something she could not name. She felt so alone. Yet was not Niall alone, too? Needing... what? Someone to touch? Someone to hold?
Caitlin dared a glance up at him, stunned at the impulse to turn her face just a bit, let her lips brush against his battle-hardened palm. Scarce believing her own boldness, she whispered, "Would it trouble you, Niall? To see me go back to the abbey?"
Silence fell for a heartbeat. She heard him swallow hard as he drew his hand away.
"Caitlin, you must not think of me as if I were like other men.
Free to..." He stopped. Even by moonlight, she could see the intensity in his face.
"I made a blood oath never to entangle my fate with that of a woman. "
"Did some lady break your heart?" Why did the thought hurt her so?
"It was lust for a woman that destroyed my father."
That tragedy again, that old pain stealing away so much.
It was as if his whole future had shattered with his father's death.
Had he lost more than his mother, his sister, this castle he must have once loved?
Had he lost hope of loving anyone ever again?
The waste sickened her. And yet had she not stolen from him as well?
Not knowing what she had done until it was too late?
"Perhaps you are wise to be wary of me." Caitlin felt tears burn the backs of her eyes.
"I have already destroyed everything you have worked for.
You will never fulfill your quest because of me.
The chieftain's trust will be shattered.
You claim the battlefield is your home. For whom will you fight now, Niall? "
"For you, Caitlin. Bold Fintan's daughter. I will fight for you until you are safe, or I have given my last drop of blood."
There were men who would do all in their power to kill her, yet Niall was willing to place his body between Caitlin and their swords. His pronouncement should have comforted her, at least made her feel protected. Why, then, did it stir her anger?
"You will die for me, but you will not trust me. You will do your duty by your mother and sister, this castle, but you will not love them. Your home is the battlefield, where death is glorious. What about life, Niall?"
His face clouded with irritation, surprise. What had he expected? Gratitude? Some speech praising his courage, his heroism? "You talk in riddles," he growled.
"It is simple enough to understand. I see you standing here, so brave, so—so beautiful and strong, and I cannot bear the path you have chosen.
Tell me. What brings you joy, Niall? What makes you laugh?
Who in the world knows your secret sadness?
Your faults? Those tender, painful places in your soul? "
"I need no one," he bit out savagely.
"Your heart is still beating, Niall, and yet you are already dead."
With an oath, he grabbed her by the arms, gave her a shake. "I wish I were deadened the way you claim! If I were, I would not feel what I do now!"
"Niall of the Seven Betrayals allowing himself to feel something besides bitterness and blame? I cannot believe it."
"It is your fault! Every time I look at you, I want—"
Her blood raced. "You want what, Niall? You stand there, scowling at me, the way you did near the sea, not daring to come down, to touch the water, embrace the beauty of it all. Why? Because you have chosen to deny yourself anything that makes life worth having?"