Lincoln

Chapter 34

34

LINCOLN

“This has got to be a joke?” I spit.

The woman standing across from me looks like she’s in agony, but not for me, not for my pain, but for hers.

“Did you do this? Is this a setup?” My dad is almost shouting at me when he rises to his feet. “You said if you found her, you would tell me.”

“I didn’t find her.” My heart batters against my chest.

“Did you do this?” I glare at Violet. “Did you know? Have you known her all along?”

She opens her mouth, but no words come out.

“Sorry, what’s going on?” Anthony asks, now confused. “Did you say Mom ?”

Olivia covers her mouth with a shaking hand and mumbles words I can’t hear behind her fingers.

“So what is this, then? And why is she here?” My father is raging now.

The whole restaurant goes quiet.

“I didn’t do this. I promise.” My eyes plead with him to calm down .

The manager appears at our table and tries to calm my dad down. “Please, sir, settle down or you’ll have to leave.”

“Oh, I am leaving, alright.” I’ve never seen him so angry. “I cannot believe this.”

Eva rises to her feet. “Knox, calm down.”

“I will not calm down.”

A slight movement from across the restaurant causes me to look over and just as I do, Olivia whirls around on her heel and runs out of the restaurant.

I run after her down the steps. “Wait. Please stop running,” I plead.

I’m not expecting her to, but she does, and I stop only a few feet away from her.

My chest is heaving from my sudden sprint to get to her, but it also feels like I’m wearing a compression vest and it’s trying to suffocate me.

When she turns, she has tears running down her face, her eyes full of fright, and her cheeks are already blotchy in places.

My mom is here. She’s standing in front of me and I can’t think of anything to say. What do you say to the woman who left you all those years ago so she could go travel to find herself ? It’s a hard thing to comprehend.

“It’s just like you to run away, Olivia. Old habits never die,” my father says sardonically as he appears by my side, causing a sob to break from Olivia’s throat.

“Dad. Pop a cork in it so we can work out what’s going on. Just back off for a minute.”

He steps back, but his jaw is twitching. This is so out of character for him.

“Are you okay?” I look at Olivia, softening my gaze, trying to calm her. “I think this is a shock for us all.”

I take a small step forward. The startled woman before me is beautiful, and I’d recognize those eyes anywhere. I’ve stared at that photo of me and my mom thousands of times.

Olivia finally speaks. “What are you doing here?” She’s almost inaudible.

“I think that’s my question,” I say.

“I live here,” she says shakily.

She almost doesn’t seem real. I made her this big thing in my head, but she’s nothing like how I imagined her to be.

She looks lost.

And scared. Like a trapped animal in a cage.

“I’ve been traveling, and then living in Santa Monica for a few months.” I pause for a moment. “I can’t believe I’ve been living in the same city as you.” I’m stunned, and hysterical laughter bubbles in my throat. I can’t work out if I should laugh or cry.

I explain why I am here tonight. “I’m dating Violet, Anthony’s daughter. Violet wanted our parents to meet tonight before we returned home.”

“You look so much like your father.” Olivia’s face is emotionless. Her voice isn’t how I imagined, either. It’s some weird intercontinental mix of accents. She sounds anything but Scottish.

“I hope that’s a good thing.” I try to summon a thread of emotion from her, but she doesn’t give me anything in exchange.

“Look. I just want to talk. I know this wasn’t planned, but could we sit down, maybe?” My heart fills with hope and dread all at the same time. I’m certain I know what she’ll say, but my yaya always told me we have to remain hopeful if we want good things to happen.

I try taking a step closer, but she steps back, causing my gut to tighten. My hope is clinging on for dear life. It’s holding on by its fingertips on the edge of my emotional cliffside, but as she shies away from me, I feel it slipping away into the abyss .

She doesn’t want to know me.

“I have to go,” she blurts.

Her words confirm my worst fear. “Do you not want to talk?”

“I don’t,” she stammers.

I shrink back from her.

She would have hurt me less if she’d driven a knife through my heart.

“I’m only here for another day. Can we please meet up? Just to talk.”

“I hope you have a safe trip home.”

Is that it? Have a safe trip ? The blood pounds in my temples from sheer humiliation.

My dad finally loses it. “You haven’t changed one bit, Olivia. Our son is standing in front of you, asking to speak to you, and you say you have to go. Christ, he even said please.” His voice rises. “He’s not asking for the moon on a stick. He’s asking to speak to you. Just talk. And you can’t even do that for him.”

My dad keeps going with his verbal attack. “Can you see him in front of you now? Our boy. He’s now a man. A good man, with a beautiful heart, not that you have one yourself to know what that’s like. But our boy has one. He’s smart, funny, caring, but he has demons because of you.” He points his finger at Olivia vehemently. “He jokes and makes light of everything in life because all he wants is to be accepted, to be liked because he fears people will reject him. You did that to him. You made him feel like that, Olivia. And he never says how he really feels because he never wants to worry me. But I know. I know him. He’s my son.” He stabs his finger deep into his chest. “Not yours. You don’t fucking deserve him.” My dad paces. “I have defended you for years. Never once have I name-called or bitched about you, but you’ve fucking done it now. I won’t hold back anymore. You’re a pathetic excuse for a mother. ”

Olivia is sobbing now and my heart breaks for us all, and I want so badly to reach out and touch her, to confirm she’s real, but I can’t move.

She doesn’t want me.

“And did I hear Anthony correctly? You have two other boys?”

My brain must be muddled because that didn’t cross my mind. She started a family with someone else.

“You have two sons?” I shout, a savage edge to my voice clear as it echoes around the parking lot. “You have two other sons?” She turns a vivid red. “And do they live with you?” I have so many questions. “And do they even know about me?” Blood boils in my veins.

“I don’t want them to find out.” Her eyes widen with fear.

“I’m guessing their father doesn’t know I exist either?”

She doesn’t answer. Instead, she says, “I don’t want to do this.”

They don’t know about me.

She grabs her chest as if she’s in pain.

I point at her furiously. “ You don’t want to do this? You don’t want me to make you feel guilty. Is that what you don’t want me to do? Do you not want me to make you feel bad for abandoning me as a baby? Did you just think you could forget about me? Do you ever think of me?”

She stays silent.

I don’t even register in her thoughts. I never have.

Fury takes over and I can’t stop my words. “I realize that you don’t care, but you caused so much pain and hurt for me and Dad. I used to wish that I had a mom, like all the other boys in my class, and when they asked me where my mom was, I used to tell them she was on vacation. Because that’s what it was. Fucking traveling,” I scoff. “I’ve been traveling, and you and I both know the grass isn’t any greener on this side of the pond. It looks like you ran away from a life you didn’t want and ended up with the exact same result somewhere else. Kids, house, stuck in the same place, and you don’t exactly look to happy about that either. I hope to God you don’t emotionally mess your other two sons up too. How old are they?”

“Fifteen and thirteen,” she says through tears. “I wanted to make a fresh start,” she cries.

“I’m so happy for you.” I fake a smile. I didn’t think I could feel any worse, but I do now. She’s just opened my wound wide and poured salt in.

Olivia says the words I’ve always dreaded. “I felt trapped with you and your father. That is not the life I wanted.” She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I didn’t want to be stuck in a small town for the rest of my days. I wanted more. I wanted to see the world and make more of myself. Meet people, experience new things, and I could not have done that with a baby. I was seventeen. I was a baby myself and you cried all the time, and the sleepless nights,” she grumbles, as if I was a burden. To her I was. “My friends went out partying when I was changing diapers. I wanted to be like them. I didn’t want a baby back then.” She looks disgusted.

Is this woman for real? She’s a lifetime away from anything I ever imagined.

In fact, scratch that; she’s fucking rotten to the core.

I can’t take it anymore and fire back, “But the difference is you did have one. Me. And what I needed was a mom.”

“And what I wanted was my freedom,” she spits back.

“That’s a pathetic excuse. My father was the same age as you and he may have been a boy, but he acted like a man. He stepped up while you fled.” I rub my fingers into my temples. My head is thumping .

This is not how I thought the last evening of my trip would end. I wanted to spend a lovely evening with Violet, creating everlasting memories that we would cherish forever.

But this is just a fucking car crash.

I swing around to see if my girl is watching our wrecked reunion, and she is. She’s standing next to Eva and her father, her face reflecting the pain I feel.

And she heard everything Olivia had to say. Heard how unhappy she was with me and Dad, so she left but has a new family and she’s happy with them.

I’m so embarrassed.

I wasn’t enough.

An explosion of pain fills my chest with sorrow.

My face feels wet and when I explore my cheeks with my fingertips, I discover I’m crying. I wipe my face angrily with the back of my hand.

I have to end this. I will not let her decide how we move our relationship forward. “Have it your way. You don’t want to know me. That’s fine.” I suck in a breath. “I am such an idiot. There was a small part of me that believed, maybe, just maybe, you might have wanted to meet me, to find out how I was, what I became, know if I was healthy and well.” I feel so stupid.

“And I had this picture-perfect idea of us meeting up, that you would hug me tight, share your stories with me of all you had experienced on your travels, then you’d tell me how sorry you were and I would forgive you for everything, and then we could move forward with our lives and maybe keep in contact.” A pang of disappointment hits me with the force of a tsunami. “But you can barely even look at me. You stepped away when I moved closer to you, so I got the memo. You don’t want to know me.” Fuck, that hurts. I bow my head and my tears fall to the ground .

I add, “But here’s the thing. All the shit you left behind. You got dealt the same cards here as back home. You just live in a different town. But it’s the same shit. Two kids, a home you probably hate, and an ex-husband to boot. Your life is no different. You didn’t change the world or go on to do great things. You became a reflection of everything you didn’t want.” My chest hurts so much, but I keep going, knowing I need to get it all out.

“I was going to visit an agency back in the UK to see if they could find you for me. Part of me was excited. But after meeting you and the things you’ve just said, you’ve made me feel like such a fool.” I throw my head back and look up at the now orange and pink sky. “Fuck this and fuck you. You are dead to me.” I pull my wallet out of my pocket, angrily remove the photo of me in her arms as a baby, scrunch it up, and throw it on the ground.

I storm off, not knowing where I am going.

“Lincoln,” my dad shouts after me and I hear Violet calling my name at the same time.

But I don’t look back.

Heels behind me ricochet off the asphalt and grow closer. “Lincoln, please, stop,” Violet begs and I stop walking.

Her concerned face appears in front of me. “Please know I didn’t do this.” Brows wrinkled, she looks worried as hell that I don’t believe her.

“I know that now. I’m so sorry.” I can’t think straight.

She takes my hand in hers. “I am here for you.”

For less than a day she is.

Caustic grief cripples me inside at the thought of being without Violet every day. I need her. But a vast expanse of sea will separate us come tomorrow, and what will a few weeks here and there be like? All of this is so overwhelming, and my chest feels heavy, as if I can’t breathe .

“I need some time alone, Violet.”

“Where will you go?”

“I don’t know. I want to be by myself. Just a walk to clear my head, but I will call you later.”

Her beautiful face smiles back at me. “I love you, Lincoln.”

I nod my head. “I know.”

And I fucking love her so much it’s unbearable.

She touches the softest of kisses to my lips, but I wrap her in my arms and give her the tightest of hugs.

“I will always love you, Violet.” Then I let her go as I struggle to hold myself together, and for the next few hours, I walk around in a daze.

Alone.