9. Distance
9
DISTANCE
Magnus
The day is going from bad to worse. I could kick myself for making such a mess of things this morning. How could I have let Gabriel provoke me into making a pass at him?
A pass at my roommate ... my heterosexual roommate! Who also happens to be the brother of my best friend and one of the world's greatest ice hockey players. My life feels like it’s turned into a soap opera.
When we returned from our Casablanca excursion, Gabriel ran off. There's no other way to describe it, given how fast he moved. He didn’t say where he was going, but I’m going to assume he's hunkered down in our cabin.
Exhausted, I drop onto one of the comfortable, blue-and-white striped loungers at the pool closest to the gangway. This kidney-shaped pool is tiny compared to the main one I found this morning, and it must be shallower because it seems popular with families. The shouts of the kids having fun is almost too much, but I’m so exhausted that I don’t want to take another step right now. The hot day is taking its toll. Add to that the emotional stress … shouldn't this be a vacation?
Susan sinks into the empty deckchair next to me. Apart from the few families in the pool, it’s surprisingly quiet on the deck. The ship isn’t scheduled to leave Casablanca for another two hours — we returned a little early. Firstly, because of the obvious atmosphere between us, and also because we wanted to grab a quick dinner before the second tango lesson of the day. Fuck my life!
"Did something happen between Gabriel and you?" Susan asks directly.
I’m not sure what to say.
Yes ...
No ...
I made a move on him which was definitely wrong of me, but only after a clear come-on from Gabriel. Maybe I went a bit too far … but nothing exactly happened.
I shrug helplessly.
Susan glances over her shoulder at Klaus. He nods, but she hesitates for a moment longer. Eventually, she says, "I pushed you and Gabriel into a situation that you were both unprepared for. Maybe that was wrong of me."
I can hardly believe my ears. Is Susan admitting she made a mistake? But before I can say anything, she sighs sadly and says, "I was convinced you'd be good for my brother."
Good for Gabriel? What the hell does that mean?
"He's always so focused, so hard on himself. He doesn't make time for anything outside of ice hockey. And he might seem like the unrufflable joker to the rest of the world, but ..."
Klaus puts a soothing hand on Susan's shoulder in unspoken support, and I immediately wish I had person like that in my life!
"I was hoping you’d shake his life up a bit. But I also expected him to run with it."
For the life of me, I haven't the faintest idea what Susan is trying to say, and when I look at her, her eyes are unfocused. I have the feeling the world has blurred and she’s talking more to herself than to me.
Then she shakes herself and says more clearly, "Klaus and I have been talking. If things are awkward between you and Gabriel, we can switch. I'll take one cabin with my brother and you can share with Klaus."
I’m taken aback for the second time in minutes, but my body reacts before my mind has processed Susan’s suggestion. I shake my head emphatically.
"No, no! You guys were so looking forward to spending time together!"
And that's true. Susan and Klaus have spent the last few weeks talking about little else but the wonderful time they’d have together on the Fascinata . But, if I'm completely honest, that's not the real reason I'm turning down the offer. I want to share a room with Gabriel — despite what’s happened. I want to be close to him.
But what does he want? And am I the only one feeling tortured about all this right now?
Susan looks at me searchingly before she nods and adds, "Whatever you want. But the offer still stands if you change your mind."
Gabriel
A loud ringing startles me awake.
I’m disoriented for a moment before I recognize the beige walls and the soft sound of the sea that surrounds us. Damn! I must have been in a really deep sleep. I only stretched out on the bed for a moment ... How did that happen? I guess last night is still catching up with me.
The ringing starts again. This time, I realize it's my cell phone.
Groggily, I reach for it and mumble, "`lo?"
"Where are you?" Susan's voice sounds stressed. "Dance class started five minutes ago."
I moan loudly.
"You're not ditching Magnus, are you? He's been edgy all through dinner."
Ditch Magnus? My brain hasn’t caught up yet, so it takes a moment for Susan’s meaning to penetrate my brain. When they do, I’m pissed. "I fell asleep, Susan!" I growl. Does my sister have to interfere in every aspect of my life?
"Sorry!" she replies unexpectedly meekly. She pauses before adding, "It's just ... you were so weird today, and Magnus was worried whether you’d even show up this morning ..."
I did notice his anxious look this morning.
"Thanks for waking me up," I concede. As much as I’d like to get on my high horse and pretend that ditching Magnus isn’t something I’d ever do, I could easily have overslept without Susan’s call.
Without another word, I hang up and hoist myself out of bed. My body feels a little better than it did this morning, but I’m dehydrated. I may have underestimated the heat. I grab my water bottle from the small desk and make my way to the ballroom. The clothes I’m wearing are wrinkled from the long day and my surprise nap, but they’ll have to do for now. I don't want to keep Magnus waiting any longer.
* * *
As I enter the ballroom, Susan, Klaus, and Magnus are standing next to some large potted plants to the left side of the room.
When Susan spots me, she lifts her eyebrow, and Klaus smiles openly at me. But Magnus' gaze is like a silent Keep your distance!
Is he trying to protect himself or me? And why does it matter?
It's just too bad that I can’t do what he wants — we’ll be in each other's arms in a moment. I’m both frightened and excited at the same time. At that realization, I barely manage to suppress a sigh. Neither the sightseeing in Casablanca nor my delayed nap have eased my confusion. I'm awake and all my worries are back — yay!
I turn to Magnus to say something. I’m not sure what — anything to break the ice — but then the tell-tale clapping of the tango-dancing Raven silences the room. It looks like my grace period is over.
Unlike this morning, the dance lesson passes without incident. We go through the prescribed steps mechanically, alternating who leads every four to five songs. Magnus is scrupulously polite — so polite, in fact, that it’s like we’ve stepped back into another century. And I hate it! Where is the fire in his eyes? Where’s his voice, putting me in my place?
More than that, I hate that as soon as De Vale or his daughter are busy, Magnus puts as much distance as he can between our bodies. The loss of his nearness is painful each time. It's a shock to my system, like getting dunked in an ice bath. And yet, every time, one question forces itself into my head — why does it hurt?
I can’t answer this question. I don’t want to answer it.
The two-hour lesson passes quickly and yet incredibly slowly at the same time. The slightly melancholic music only worsens my mood. I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, like I’m in mourning. For what, I don’t know.
During the last song of the lesson, De Vale repeatedly shouted " Más pasión! " — more passion — and I form a plan to ask Magnus to join me for a beer after class. Maybe having a drink like two buddies will make the weird feelings that’ve been building inside me go away.
As the last notes fade away, I’m about to ask when Magnus steps back and, without giving me another glance, pulls his cell phone out of his pocket, takes a call, and walks purposefully toward the exit.
Magnus
Awkward!
Faking phone calls isn't exactly my style, but I couldn’t think of another way to get out of there.
Being so close to Gabriel again for two hours ...
It took everything I had to stay polite and reserved, to make it clear I’m not a threat, and that what happened this morning was a blip, nothing more.
Who knew that being a platonic dance partner could be so exhausting. Most of the time I was stuck for words, so we spent the dance class in near silence. The piano music, the murmur of conversation, and bursts of laughter from the other dancers — nothing could pierce the uncomfortable silence that had descended on Gabriel and me.
Maybe I should have accepted Susan's offer to switch rooms after all.
Maybe tomorrow, when we dock in the Canary Islands, I should disembark and get a flight back to Terengia.
I stride purposefully across the deck until I reach the main pool. The shallow end has been taken over by a group of seniors doing water aerobics under the guidance of a Greek god of an instructor, and they’re all giggling like schoolgirls. For a moment, I toy with idea of going to the pool on the upper deck. It's smaller than this pool, but it has Hawaiian-themed décor and is right next to a cocktail bar, which means the party might have already started at this time of day. I could do with the distraction and a little alcohol too.
I sigh, realizing I already know the Fascinata like the back of my hand. I've spent far too much time in the last two days tramping around the decks doing anything and everything to avoid our shared cabin.
How can I keep going like this? It's only day two of eighteen!
Maybe booking a flight home tomorrow would be the best thing for everyone. Although I have no idea how I’d tell Susan. What would I say to explain it? Maybe I should pretend my fake phone call was a family emergency. But Susan knows me far too well. I need an excuse that balances the urgency of going home without scaring her enough to make her insist on coming back with me.
While trying to work out this problem, I’ve hiked up a few levels to the viewing platform at the stern of the ship. On the level below is the pool with the slide and a few children are still enjoying themselves, despite the late hour. Their happy squeals mixed with those of the seagulls above have a grounding effect on me, and my thought spiral eases.
The sun is just setting, reflecting its stunning colors in the sea. Today, it’s an array of oranges, and the few clouds above are a wash of gray and white.
At last, I find peace. My breathing deepens and I start to enjoy the cool touch of the evening air.
I don't know how long I stand here like this before I form a plan. I won’t leave the ship. I'll stay, but keep my distance from Gabriel. I’ll be friendly and not respond to anything that might go beyond that — not even during the dance lessons. Especially not during the dance lessons.
And I'll try to enjoy the vacation — somehow.