Chapter 32
ALONZO
If she was planning to rip my heart out, she’s succeeded. It feels like my chest is shattering, pain slicing at me like a dull blade. She dreamed of being with me? She dreamed of a life that she never allowed herself to want, and what did I do? I stomped on it.
I don’t know how the hell to come back from that. I’ve been so sure, but this might be the first moment it’s really sunk in. That it’s finally making me see the things I’ve been too blind to actually notice.
“Rori, I…” Fuck, what do I say? Sorry seems too pitiful a word.
She sighs, and turns her hands over in mine to grip them. “Alonzo, I’m not saying that to hurt you, and I’m not trying to make you feel bad for me. This is our lot in life. It’s what we need to accept.”
“I don’t want to accept it,” I admit. “And I know that makes me a bastard, but I just…I want you to have everything you could ever want, Rori. I want that for you so much, even more so now that you’ve explained that.”
“Don’t pity me, Alonzo.” Her words are tight, firm. “I’m not looking for that.”
“I don’t pity you, Aurora.” Fuck, far from it.
Pity is the last emotion I would ever use to describe how I’m feeling right now.
“I…I don’t know what I feel, but it’s not that.
” Unable to help myself, I lean forward, bracing my forehead against hers.
She doesn’t pull away, but I see the softening around her eyes as I stare into hers.
“I’m always going to love you, orsetta,” I whisper.
“That will never change. Not because of who you are, what you’ve done, or what you might do.
Maybe it’s wrong, and maybe it’s terribly selfish, but I don’t want to let you go.
I can’t let you go. I know, deep down in my gut, that you and I, we can be so much more than you can ever imagine.
And maybe that means after this is done, we walk away and we just keep moving, but if that’s what I need to do, I’ll do it.
As long as I’m with you, that’s all that matters. ”
Her eyes close, and the sigh she heaves is heavy. “Alonzo, you’re living in a fantasy land.”
“I’m living in a land that can’t be without you in it.” I ease back, looking down at her, really seeing her for the first time.
My Aurora. The light that has come into my life, but still has ties to the darkness that she may never be able to fully escape from.
But who isn’t dark deep inside in this world?
No matter what organization you belong to, you get your hands stained and your souls darkened.
And I don’t find that I care. I want her as she is.
“I’m probably going to die during this fight, Alonzo. Wishing for a world with me in it isn’t practical.”
The thought nearly stops my heart, and my body practically recoils at the possibility. I want to scream at her, or grab her and shake some sense into her. No, she can’t die. That isn’t a possibility I’m willing to consider. Fuck that.
“I was never going to live a long life, Alonzo. I’ve made my peace with that. Maybe I’ll surprise myself and I won’t die this time, but eventually it will catch up with me.”
The fact she keeps discussing her death like it’s a foregone conclusion pisses me off, but it also guts me even more.
“I’m not going to let you die that easily, Rori,” I finally grit out.
I ease away from her, letting go of her hands and lifting mine when she opens her mouth to argue with me.
“I’m not going to leave Mila alone and unprotected, but I’m not letting you go in there fighting without me.
Just accept it. Maybe I’m not a deadly assassin, but I’m fucking trained for this, and I can handle myself.
I also don’t trust Romanov to protect you, and I certainly don’t trust that fucker Belov.
You aren’t alone, orsetta, even if you think you have to be. ”
She swallows as she stares at me, but I can see her trying to harden her resolve. She wants to tell me off, push me out and keep me far away from her.
“I can’t see the future, but I can be there to change the outcome. That’s all I want, Rori. Then, when this is all over, we’ll revisit you and me. Because, I mean what I say. You and me. That’s it. Even if that means we’re on the run for the rest of our lives.”
“You can’t give up your life, Alonzo. You have family and friends that will never—”
“They will understand,” I interrupt firmly.
“I know you don’t believe me, but Pietro was the one who approved me to come after you.
It was my father who asked me if you were the one for me, if I was ready to fight for what I wanted.
That they both knew our lives were never going to be easy.
Especially if I managed to get you away from the Russians.
That they might be after us for that alone, and that might bring war to our doorstep.
They accepted that. I accepted that. You may think they hate you, Rori, but they don’t.
They understand, and they’ll be behind you, even if you don’t want to believe it. ”
Another hard swallow, and her lips tremble slightly before she bites down on them, firming them. “Pretty words, Alonzo, but when push comes to shove, things can be different. Not only that, it won’t always be your father or Pietro running things.”
“You really think that Alessio is going to be any different?” I snort at the ridiculousness of that statement. “Sienna is going to be his wife. She’ll be tying his dick in knots and wrapping him around her finger for the rest of his life, and that means you never have anything to worry about.”
“We both know that that isn’t how these things work. Discussions made behind closed doors without women present. Especially ones that involve the safety of their families.”
I sigh. “Orsetta, I get your mistrust, but I will never let that happen. Even if it means leaving to be with you and only you.” I pin her with an intense stare.
I want no doubt coming from my next words.
“I will choose you over them, Aurora. I will walk away from my family, my friends, all of it without a second glance or thought because my place is with you. No matter what that looks like or might be. I choose you. I will always choose you.”
I finally see when I’ve cracked through the walls.
Her breathing picks up, and her lashes dampen with unshed tears.
She bites on her lower lip, trying to contain herself, and maybe I’m a bastard for it, but I don’t want her to.
I want her to finally confront what I should have been saying all along.
I wrap my arms around her, pulling into my lap, positioning her so she’s straddling me and her face is directly in front of mine.
I press a gentle kiss to her mouth, then move my mouth along her cheek and jaw, up to the corner of her right eye.
“It’s always going to be you, orsetta. The sassy woman that gives it back to me as good as she gets.
The woman who fights with everything she has for the people she loves and cares for.
The woman who fits perfectly beside me in bed at night, and who sees through the bullshit I try to spew her way. ”
“Alonzo,” she breathes, voice shaky.
“It’s also going to be the woman who is a fucking badass and can put me to shame,” I continue with a soft smile.
“The woman who took me down with her pussy in my face, and called me on my bullshit when I got complacent. The woman who told me to check my room for bugs and do it again when I thought I got them all. The woman who stands up to Russian Pakhans without so much as a flinch. That’s my woman.
That’s the woman I’ve fallen in love with.
And even though I’ve fucked it all up, I won’t stop until you realize how truthful I’m being. Because you deserve that.”
A tear slides from the corner of her eye, and I lift my hand to cup her face, brushing it away with my thumb. My heart clenches, seeing her cry, but I simply hold her.
“Why can’t I hate you?”
I don’t allow elation to surface. Not yet. There’s still too much at stake. “Because as angry as you are with me, you know that I’m not bullshitting you. If that was all I wanted, I wouldn’t be trying so fucking hard.”
“I’m still so angry at you.” The words are harsh, but she doesn’t pull away. “So angry for what you said, for what you made me feel, what you made me face. For following me here and putting yourself in danger, when I told you to stay away.”
“Staying away was never an option, orsetta. And it’s okay to be angry with me. I deserve it.”
“And what am I supposed to do if you die, Alonzo? What if I live and you die in this stupid fight that you’re not supposed to be a part of? Am I supposed to just go on living and pretend I’m alright?”
“It takes a lot to kill me, but yes, if I’m stupid enough to die, then you keep on going.
Don’t let them make you into what they tried to mold you to be.
You’re so much stronger than that, Aurora.
” The intensity of the moment settles over us, weighted and sharp.
Trying to lighten the mood, I add with a teasing smile, “And maybe it will be you killing me when I piss you off. Then you’ll be happy to keep on going and spit on my grave for good measure. ”
She stares at me. “I’ll let Hades do it and drop a few big balls on it.”
I let out a sharp laugh. “Yeah, you do that. He’s gone after mine enough lately that he’ll probably be the one to have them when I die anyway.”
“I probably should apologize for that, but I’m not going to.” A ghost of a smile pulls at her lips.
Some of the tension in my chest and gut eases. We’re not out of the woods yet, but we’re getting there.
Maybe I’m being stupid, but I can’t help myself. I lean forward, pressing my lips to hers. It’s not a demanding kiss, or passionate, but the rightness of it isn’t lost. She doesn’t pull away, sinking into me, her hands coming up to cup the back of my head as she slowly deepens the kiss.
My cock instantly hardens, but I ignore it. That’s not the point right now. Her. She’s the reason.
We kiss until our lips are swollen, and our breathing labored.
When she finally eases back, she presses her forehead to mine again.
Neither of us speak, but I can feel the turmoil moving through her.
Her mind trying to reason with her why this is a bad idea.
Why she should push me away again, trying to go it alone.
It might be a stupid move on my part, but I press another gentle kiss to her mouth.
“You’re tired, and it’s been a long day.
We both need sleep. I’m not going to leave you, orsetta.
No matter how hard you push, you need to know someone is in your corner, and that’s me.
Someone who doesn’t want something from you other than knowing that you’re there.
Someone who loves you for who you are, and doesn’t need you to change yourself into something you aren’t and accepts every part of you. Just remember that.”
I ease her away from me, and I see her watching me with a look that’s a mixture of pain, desperation, and hope.
It’s the hope I lock on to, but I force myself to ease from the bed, careful not to step on the dog watching me from the floor.
I lean down to scratch his ears, and he gives a groan of happiness.
“Watch over her, boy.” He lifts his head like he knows exactly what I said, and I swear he nods before he lowers his head back to the floor.
I get to my feet, and round the bed, looking for my clothes.
“Alonzo.” I still, leaning down to grab my pants, lifting my head to look at her. She holds my stare, until she finally sighs. “Get back in bed. I need a few more hours.”
It’s a victory, small as it may be, but one nonetheless.
I straighten, grab the knife from the floor I threw, round the bed, and climb back under the covers.
She turns off the light after putting her gun and knife back, and the room is plunged back into darkness, other than the sliver of light from the bathroom.
She rolls into me, and I wrap my arms tight around her. She gives a soft sigh, sinking into me, and it hits me how right this is. I may not get much sleep tonight, watching over her, but I don’t fucking care.
This is all I need. All I want. It’s everything that’s right.