Chapter 33
LUCY
My eyes are gritty and tired when I finally close the journal.
Fuck, that was a painful read right to the end.
I look over at Soren, still asleep in his bassinet, before I glance to the other side of the bed where Kida is sleeping.
She stumbled in an hour again, looking exhausted, and collapsed into bed before I could ask her what they found. Or if they found anything at all.
Now, I have to wait until morning to find out. Rude.
I look back at the journal in the dim light, thinking of everything I read.
She knew she was going to die in the end.
The writing was on the wall, as she said, and she welcomed it.
She didn’t want to live the way she had anymore.
I can understand it in a way, but what I can’t understand is her loathing toward Gia through the rest of it.
There were almost daily entries for months of how she couldn’t stand to be close to her.
Couldn’t look at her. How angry she was at her for ruining her plans. Basically wishing her dead.
One thing I don’t think I can ever stomach Gia knowing is that at one point when she was two and had been particularly upset that day, she almost went into her nursery to end it. Overdose her on pills, or just snap her neck. It wasn’t like Leonardo or the others would miss her.
I can’t forgive her for that. I can’t ever think of her in a good light after knowing that.
She really did hate Gia. All because of an accident that wasn’t Gia’s fault.
Me and Sienna, she sometimes wondered about us, but she also wrote that she was glad we weren’t around.
She didn’t want to hate us too. She could pretend we were better off, and we didn’t exist. Or, in one angry entry, that we were dead too.
How can a woman hate her children so much?
A woman who was put into a life she didn’t want. The tired thought echoes in my head, but I still can’t draw up any sympathy.
I just hope that whatever’s in Amara’s mother’s journal is better. Easier.
I slide out of bed and quietly make my way to the bathroom. I’m excited to see that the doctor was right and the bleeding has finally stopped. I guess earlier today was just the last rush of it. Thank God. Now, if we can get my hormones under control, I’ll be all set.
I look at myself in the mirror, staring at a woman I’m not sure I recognize anymore.
The woman staring back at me looks far too comfortable, too content to be in a place like this.
There’s stress, yes, but not the freak out that there should be.
I should be searching this place high and low to get out of here.
To get away from all of this and hide us away.
Instead, I’m being drawn into the craziness around me, and I’m allowing myself to be attracted to a man I have no business being attracted to.
A man who makes me want things I told myself I wouldn’t allow myself to want again.
I can’t trust myself. And Massimo Caruso can break me. Far worse than Joey ever did.
It’s fucking terrifying.
Think about you and me, about what we can be, what you want. We can work everything else out, but the only thing that matters is you and me.
What do I want? Do I really want to risk everything for something with Massimo? Hell, how can I even be thinking of such a thing? Even if I don’t want to leave yet, I should be paying attention to anything and everything that could help end this, so my life can return to some semblance of normal.
“Get a grip, Lucy. One hot man cannot derail your entire life.”
So why does it feel like that’s exactly what he’s about to do?
No point in dwelling on it tonight. I turn out the light and head into the walk-in closet to find some pajamas to wear. I stop, though, when I walk in and see Massimo standing there, holding some clothes of his own. He regards me closely, even as I stare at him.
Wait, when did he get back?
“Oh, ah, hi,” I whisper. I glance at the closet door and see it’s closed. At least we haven’t woken Kida or Soren. “What did you find?”
The tiredness leaks away at the prospect of more secrets being unveiled. It’s like living in my own book adventure. I swear to God, if there is buried treasure in this place, I’m going to lose my shit. Hell, I’ll have to write my own book about it.
Massimo sets aside his clothes before moving toward me. I’m too distracted by the possibilities whirling through my head to realize what he’s about to do. Suddenly, I’m lifted from the ground, my back pressed against the wall beside the bathroom door, and his mouth is heavy on mine.
This isn’t gentle like before. No, this is pure desire. A claiming.
Holy shit, it’s hot and perfect.
I groan into his mouth, my legs wrapping around his hips as he devours me. I can only hold on for the ride as his mouth plunders mine. Tongues, teeth, and lips war, until I’m a quivering mess and my hands are gripping his shirt so tight I’m surprised the fabric doesn’t tear.
When he finally pulls his mouth from mine, he moves it down to my neck, pressing quick kisses to the sensitive skin, then scraping his teeth, making me moan low and long at the sensations. “Massimo,” I breathe.
He gives a low groan of his own, nipping under my jaw, before he pulls his head back to look at me. “The way I crave you, Lucy, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I saw you, and I had to taste you. It’s like a compulsion.”
My brain short-circuits. He really feels that way?
“And that’s a bad thing?” I manage to ask.
“Never. I’ll die a happy man knowing that I’ve had a chance to taste you.” He presses his mouth to mine one more time in a quick, hard kiss before he lays his forehead against mine, neither of us speaking. Just breathing each other in.
Finally, Massimo lifts his head and says, “I thought you’d be asleep by now.”
“I wanted to finish the journal. I just couldn’t seem to put it down.”
He frowns. “Don’t exhaust yourself over someone like her, Lucy,” he lightly scolds. “I don’t want you to be so tired you make yourself sick.”
“I stay up late reading all the time. Hell, there were times I wouldn’t sleep from reading all night and going into work the next day on no sleep.
With Soren, I’m just used to little sleep.
” Wait, why am I defending myself? I don’t care what he thinks we are; I don’t need to justify myself to him.
I narrow my eyes. “And don’t think you’re going to tell me what I can and can’t do, Massimo.
A few kisses and a discussion doesn’t mean you get to dictate what I do. ”
His eyes flash, but they cool almost as quickly.
The air around us changes. In front of me isn’t the easy-going man I’ve become used to.
This is the man who could very easily bend me to his will if he chose, with just a few words and the right tone in his voice.
Will he? Will he break his promise to me so easily?
“I’m not trying to dictate anything,” he tells me calmly, tone even, even though his eyes say differently.
“I’m simply saying that if you don’t get enough sleep, you’re going to run yourself ragged.
You have a little boy that you’re also trying to feed and take care of, and while the rest of us are happy to help, you’re doing the majority of it. ”
I arch a brow. Yeah, right. The bratty side of me starts to rear its head, and I can’t stop the words that pour out next. “That wasn’t what you were going to say. I thought you said no lying, Massimo.”
Shit. Even to my ears, the words sound taunting. Like waving a red flag at a bull. The same way I used to do to Joey when I wanted to push him and piss him off.
Yeah, I must be fucking tired, because I would normally never let that part of me show, even to Massimo. That woman is supposed to be gone. Dead. Buried.
The look in his eyes turns dark, foreboding, but his expression never changes. “You think I’m lying, cerbiatta?” There’s no anger or censure in his tone? Just a smooth question, but there’s that hint of danger underneath it.
Why am I pushing him on this? What the hell is wrong with me?
“Maybe not lying,” I backpedal. “Half truths.” There, better. And I’m careful to watch my tone this time.
His head cocks slightly, watching me carefully. Gauging. Like a predator watching his prey, trying to decide if he’s going to chase it down or let it run free for now.
Finally, he says, “You’re right, I wasn’t going to tell you everything I was thinking. Would you like to know what I was going to say, Lucy? Hmmm? The full truth?”
Oh, God. What have I done?
Still, I find myself nodding, mesmerized by his eyes and the heat of his body still flush against mine.
He leans forward, eyes holding mine as he grips my chin firmly, holding my head in place.
My heart pounds hard and fast in my chest, my entire body coming alive and reacting to the intimacy of the position, at the look in his eyes.
The man looking back at me isn’t the easy-going Massimo.
This is a man who’s about to shatter any semblance of what I’ve known and remind me of just what I’ve been missing, what I’ve craved for a long time.
“What I wanted to say, cerbiatta, was that I fully expect you never to exhaust yourself. Do you know why? Because I never allow a woman of mine to wear herself out unless it’s when she’s being a brat and needs to be brought back in line and reminded that she’s not in charge.
And do you know how I do that, dolcezza?
I’ll show you exactly what it feels like to be exhausted.