Chapter Twenty-Five - Sebastian
I’VE ROYALLY FUCKED up, and I know it.
I want to go after her to try to explain, but she made it clear that I’m not the person she wants right now. Picturing her with her mascara running down her face makes me sick because I’m the one who caused it. I should have told her last week. Or when I got back from New York. Or any time before she could hear what Vera said.
I need to find Penelope or Owen. She doesn’t want me, fine. I’m not letting her walk around at night drunk by herself. If I’m fast enough, either one can catch her.
Vera’s waiting for me at the door, and I don’t have it in me to play her game tonight. “So, where’s the girl you’re dating? I want to meet her.”
“Drop it, Vera,” I warn, trying to get around her, but she puts her hand on my chest to stop me.
“She’s playing you like a fucking fiddle, and you’re falling for it just like everyone else does.”
“You have no idea what you’re talking about.”
Her dark eyes narrow at me. “Really? It seems to me that she has you exactly where she wants, pathetically picking up the breadcrumbs she’s willing to toss you when it’s convenient for her.”
I know I’ve had too much to drink, and there is no one to blame but myself. I should have known better than to join that stupid game. I should have told Thalia the truth. There are a lot of things I should have done better.
“Fuck you, Vera. Get over what happened between us because nothing will ever happen again.” Of course, my timing could not be better in the lull between songs, and everyone turns to look at me.
Vera’s jaw drops in disbelief, hurt brimming in her eyes. She throws her drink in my face, the liquor burning my eyes. This is fucking perfect. I wipe my hand over my face, silently brushing past Vera and everyone else to go to my room.
Sitting on my desk is Thalia’s gift that I was waiting to give her until we could just be us, along with another bouquet.I doubt there will still be an us after tonight.
Banging starts on the door. “Go away!” I shout, sounding like Thalia.
Owen listens about as well as I do, barging into the room. He’s sober, unlike me, but I can see the blatant anger on his face. “You slept with Vera?”
“It was a mistake,” I say bluntly.
“No shit. Maybe you should have thought about that before you did it.” He crosses his arms over his chest. “Do you know where Thalia is? I can’t find her out there.”
My stomach twists. “Thalia left. I’m not sure where she’s going, but trust me when I say she wants to be anywhere but here.”
“Whatever happened, fix it. It was nice not having the two of you at each other’s throats the entire time.” Owen’s telling me nothing I don’t already know. For a moment, a part of me is glad that Mimi won’t remember any of this when I tell her what I’ve done. It’s a horrible, selfish thought that only furthers my self-pity.
“Why don’t you stop fucking around with Amelia before telling me what to do? You know you’re screwing with Blake’s feelings and that she’d never cheat on you like Amelia did. I can promise you the games aren’t worth it!” I call after my best friend as he walks away from me.
“Then stop playing them yourself, Sebastian.” He slams my door shut so hard that one of the pictures on my wall falls. This all feels eerily similar to the night of Thalia’s going-away party.
~
“Why did you kiss me?” Thalia asks, cornering me. I’m not interested in talking to her right now, but I didn’t have a good enough reason to warrant skipping tonight. It’s not like I can tell Owen, hey, I heard you talking to your sister earlier because I had my tongue shoved down her throat a minute before, and I was hiding in her bathroom.
I scowl at Thalia, her words echoing through my head. “I shouldn’t have because you’re a fucking child.” If she doesn’t know why I went to her dorm and kissed her, then Thalia should try opening her eyes. I risked my friendship with Owen because I let some girl get in my head. Some girl that’s also his sister.
“And you’re a jerk. What gives you the right to do that?” she demands, stepping closer to me.
“Whatever right you thought you had when you kissed me first.”I have done everything I can to fight how I feel for so long. Thalia initiated this, not me.
Thalia is close enough to me that I can see her nostrils flare in irritation. “I was drunk. What’s your excuse?”
“Don’t you know Thalia? I’m just a dumb jock. I didn’t know any better,” I spit out at her, shaking my head. She has some nerve. I mean, what the fuck? I didn’t know Owen would show up, but she could have said a million other things to get him to back off.
“Maybe if you were good at something other than throwing a ball, I might give you some credit in the academic department. Do you even have a backup plan in case you get hurt? Owen at least cares about his grades, but the only thing you seem to fucking care about is football.”
I don’t even know if I’m entering the draft, not that I’ve told anyone that. I play football for the connection it gives me to my father, but I care about my grades. I have a perfect grade point average because I know how quickly an injury could take me out for good. Just because I haven’t declared a major yet doesn’t mean I don’t give a shit. It means I’m weighing my options to make the best decision.
I can tell the alcohol is starting to go to my head. “At least I’m good at something other than getting drunk and screwing my way through fraternities.”
She shoves me hard, catching me off guard, and I stagger back a step. “I’m not screwing anyone. Which is something you might know if you didn’t avoid me like the plague. Fuck you.” I avoid her because I don’t trust myself to keep my hands to myself. I’ve done nothing but think about Thalia since she kissed me, and I had convinced myself that it wouldn’t have felt so good if it wasn’t supposed to happen.
“You are the absolute last person I’d ever consider fucking. Maybe I wouldn’t avoid you if you weren’t such a bitch all the time.” Hurt flashes on Thalia’s face, but I refuse to take my words back. If she won’t take hers back, then why should I?
“You’re such a presumptuous asshole. What makes you think I even want you?” Thalia asks, lashing out like a wounded animal. “I am so glad I’m leaving because it means I don’t have to see your face anymore.”
Why would she want me? My mom’s parents sure didn’t, and this just…this reopens old wounds. I don’t need this. I smile cruelly at her. “Your loss. I’ve been told it’s handsome.”
“You might have a pretty face, but you lack a heart. I feel sorry for you.”
“What are you two yelling about?” Owen interrupts, stepping in between us while looking at me for an answer. Except I don’t have an answer for him. What should I say to my best friend about kissing his little sister?
“She can tell you; I’m out of here.”
~
I wake with a pounding headache. Reflecting on all the horrible things that came out of my mouth last night doesn’t make me feel better. The apartment is surprisingly spotless, with a note from Owen on the counter saying he took Penelope and Thalia back to their parents’ house for the rest of the weekend. I crumple the note and throw it in the trash can before grabbing my running shoes and earbuds.
I crank my running playlist way too loud for how hungover I feel, but the pounding in my head can outrank the heaviness I feel in my chest.
I miss Thalia already. I should have tried harder to tell her before about Vera. Thalia was upset that Vera threw the party; we all assumed it was Thalia’s doing. It didn’t make much sense to me at the time why Vera would throw a party and let Thalia take the blame, but now it’s starting to all piece together. My brain hurts just trying to consider the idea of analyzing every interaction the three of us have had since Thalia returned.
I have a habit of jumping to conclusions, especially regarding Thalia. Part of it is how I protected myself by thinking the worst of Thalia, so I could get past the hurt of being rejected by her.
She didn’t even really reject me. I wouldn’t allow her to explain, and now I know how that feels. Neither of us was in a state of mind to be having that conversation, but now I’m afraid I won’t get the chance to tell Thalia my side.
I push my feet faster, as if it will help me forget how Thalia looked at me last night. I told her I wouldn’t hurt her, but that’s precisely what I did.
There was no real reason to keep what happened with Vera a secret. The truth is I’m embarrassed it occurred in the first place. It was a mistake I wish I could take back.
~
It was an awful day with Mimi. She didn’t recognize me at all. She just kept yelling at me to get out because she thought I was going to hurt her. Mimi threatened to call the police until one of the nurses came and got her.
I run my hands through my hair before slamming a fist down on the steering wheel, as if it will make a difference. Nothing can change it.
Irreversible.
Permanent.
Final.
Mimi’s memory is disappearing. One of these days, it’s going to be completely gone. At least the next time I go, I can hope she’ll have a better day. That hope doesn’t erase the fact that the future will look like today. There won’t be any hope of getting her back at some point. How does someone prepare for that?
I already lost Grandpa a few years ago, and that was hard enough. It was a stroke in his sleep, and there was nothing anyone could have done. But knowing I’m going to lose Mimi and watching it happen is almost worse. I’m not ready. Every time I visit, it could be the last time I see her. That thought haunts me more when it’s a bad day because that isn’t the final memory I want to have.
My brain switches to autopilot, instinctually taking me back to my house where Vera’s car parked in the driveway catches me off guard.
Fuck, I told her she could use the pool today. Walking inside, I skim through what’s left of Grandpa’s liquor cabinet to get so drunk I can forget how Mimi looked at me today. Vera is sunbathing on one of our lawn chairs when I step outside. I take a large pull of whiskey, embracing the burn in the back of my throat as I land in the seat next to Vera.
Vera takes her sunglasses off to look at me, squinting from the bright sunlight. “Is it a drinking kind of day?” She tilts her head toward my bottle, and I nod, taking another swig.
“Yeah.”
“Are you sharing, or do I need to find my own bottle?” she asks, raising her eyebrows. Her dark hair is wet and hanging over her shoulders. Her purple bikini compliments her warm skin nicely, and I instantly feel bad for looking.
I clear my throat, looking at the pool. “I’m not sharing. Just make sure you dry off before walking on the hardwoods. Mimi will kill you if you wreck them,” I say casually before remembering that Mimi will probably never see the house again. Then I take another drink.
I should probably look into selling the house, but I don’t know if I can part with it. It’s just a house, but it’s where I grew up. It’s where Grandpa and Mimi raised me, and it’s where they lived their life together, raising my dad.
My thoughts are interrupted by Vera sitting back down, a bottle of wine in her hand. She asks another question I drink to. “Have you talked to Thalia?”
I laugh bitterly and shake my head. “Now, why would I talk to her?” I’m lying through my teeth. I would talk to her for a hundred reasons, but none of them are good ideas. The same kind of bad idea that led me to kiss her last year. Still, it didn’t stop me from framing her photo that was featured on the cover of National Geographic. Pathetic. That’s what I am.
Vera drinks from her bottle. “Maybe because she’s our friend? You really haven’t talked to her since that fight at her party?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“I’m sure she’d be happy to hear from you,” Vera suggests, giving me a scrutinizing look. I don’t try to analyze what that means. I shouldn’t care if Thalia asked about me.
“Which is exactly why I don’t want to talk to her. She dug herself a hole, and it’s not my job to fix it. I couldn’t care less if it’d make her happy.”
“Owen and I have tried to figure it out for months, but nothing adds up. What happened between you guys?” Vera finally asks the question I know they’ve both been skirting around for the last year. Thankfully, I start to feel the effects of the liquor hit me, taking some of the sting from the day away.
“There’s nothing to tell,” I reply, taking another drink. I stand up, pull my shirt off, and slide out of my shorts. I take a few steps toward the water’s edge to set the bottle down, diving in. The coolness of the water compared to the sweltering humidity is shocking to my system. I swim back to the edge to grab my bottle, because it’s the only thing that can help me right now. It’s unhealthy, and I should slow down, but it’s helping.
There’s a splash where Vera has jumped in next to me. “You’re in quite a mood.”
“I told you it wasn’t a good day.”
“You said you weren’t sharing, but I left my bottle up there,” she says, taking a pull and coughing hoarsely. “Holy shit, Bash, have you had all of this?” she asks, looking at the quarter of the bottle that’s gone. In my defense, it is a smaller bottle.
“Guess so.”
“How are you still conscious?”
That doesn’t sound like a bad option. At least then I could forget for a little bit. “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m a lot bigger than you, Vera,” I reply, smiling faintly at her.
Vera hands me the bottle back, and I take my last drink before setting it down again. Vera laughs and lies back to float on top of the water. “That shit tastes like ass.”
She’s not wrong, but the burn takes the pain away. “Doesn’t need to taste good. It just has to get the job done.”
And then Vera splashes me. “God, you’re depressing today.”
I have no problem splashing her back. Vera squeals and tries to splash me back, but I’ve pretty much drowned her in water.
“Ceasefire! Please!” she shrieks, laughing. I lean against the pool’s edge, feeling somewhat better about everything that happened earlier in the day. I’m positive it’s the haze of the alcohol, but I’m not complaining.
“Fine. Have it your way.”
She stands right next to me, her shoulder brushing against mine. “Bash, are you okay? Don’t even try bullshitting me; I’ve known you way too long for that.”
I’m not sure what comes over me, but I lean over and kiss Vera. To my surprise, she kisses me back. I tangle my hands in her hair, greedily taking what I can to forget everything. It feels good, but Vera’s merely a bandage to the hurt I feel inside. Her tongue is in my mouth, and I should stop. I absolutely should, but I don’t care.
She pulls back abruptly, and I open my mouth to apologize when Vera unties the back of her bikini top, pulls it over her head, and throws it to the side. “Your move, Sebastian.”
I’m going to hell for this. I pull her close again to press my lips roughly against Vera’s.
~
It’s cold, which is good because I feel the chill in my bones. I miss Thalia. And most of all, I don’t know how to pretend like nothing happened between us. I can’t pretend again that Lia means nothing to me, because she means something. I haven’t had a chance to figure everything out, but I wasn’t lying when I told her I don’t know what I will do without her. Thalia is the first person I’ve let see most sides of me.
I don’t know if this is something she’ll be able to get over. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I slept with Vera or that I didn’t tell her about it. I didn’t mean for it to seem like I was hiding something, but maybe subconsciously, a part of me did want to hide it. Having sex with Vera meant nothing to me, but it meant something to Vera and Thalia.
For the first time since Mimi got sick, a part of me is glad she can’t remember anything. It’s a horrible thought, but at least she won’t remember after I tell her how badly I’ve fucked things up with Thalia.
Despite the fact I have the word tattooed on my back, I’m terrified of the word almost. I’ve grown up as the kid who almost had parents. The kid who was almost the football player his dad was. It seems that is what my entire life has been made up of. It’s a cruel and unforgiving word. Now, I have had not one, but two shots with my best friend’s little sister, only for her to end up as another almost.
I bought her flowers. That was another thing I didn’t lie about.
Flowers are special because my grandpa always bought them every Tuesday for Mimi. I grew up watching them do it, and I never understood the point when they die. Then Mimi told me how my dad started buying flowers for my mom after he met her.
I don’t think it was until I realized what Thalia could mean to me that I fully understood why my grandfather and father did it. It’s about doing small things for the person you care about to make them happy. When I gave her the flowers before we visited Mimi, she smiled at them and me. The last time I was in her room, she still had them on her desk. I got her new ones for her birthday to replace them, but I don’t know if she’ll smile at me like that again.
My breathing is ragged, and I’m not sure how far I’ve run by this point. I do know that it hasn’t been enough to get the thought of what Mimi told me out of my head. She might have thought I was my dad when she told me this, but she was right. Thalia was the best thing that almost happened to me.
As it turns out, I was the worst thing that almost happened to her.