Chapter Twenty-Nine - Sebastian
PRACTICE WAS A long one today. The field seems to be the only place I can clear my head, so I didn’t mind. I spend most of my time here either running sprints on the field or reviewing the playbook and film to find ways for everyone to improve.
Out here, it feels like I can’t mess up the way I royally fucked up with Thalia. She won’t even look at me now when I’m in the same room as her, not that I can blame her. For the life of me, I can’t figure out why I had to bring Louis into it.
I shed all my unnecessary clothes, enjoying how the cold kisses my skin as I lie back on the turf. I tip my water bottle into my mouth to help me recover from the suicides I just willingly ran after a full practice. The warmth from the sun ceases when Chris appears standing over me.
“Was practice not hard enough for you?” he asks, and I squint up at him.
“No, it was. I wanted to run a little longer.”
Chris sits on the ground beside me. “Practice ended an hour ago. A little bit longer would have been fifteen minutes.”
I sigh and sit up, looking over at him. “If practice ended an hour ago, what are you still doing here?”
“I went to see the trainer and take an ice bath. Lyndsey wanted to try dry needling on my hamstrings to get them to loosen up. Nobody warned me that shit hurts like a bitch.” Chris scoffs, and I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“It’s not fun. Always say no if Lyndsey tries to use this massage gun on your shoulders. It might look like fun and games, but trust me, it’s hell,” I warn. I am still haunted by the memory of how it punched into my muscles, leaving them feeling more sore than when I went in there.
“And what about the hell you’re putting yourself through?”
I look at him with a blank expression. “Don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m fine.”
He gives me a knowing smile. “You know, I felt bad moving out of the apartment. When Owen told me that Thalia was moving in, I wished him good luck. Turns out I should have been wishing you good luck.”
“Chris, what the hell are you getting at?”
“I’m talking about you and Thalia. Does Owen know?” He raises his eyebrows, almost daring me to try to deny it.
I sigh, turning away to look at the goalpost. “There’s nothing to know, not anymore.”
“What’d you do?” he asks, sounding genuinely interested. Chris and I have been friends since our first year at Duke, but we rarely have heart-to-hearts like this. It’s rare for me to do this with anyone. “Wait, I want to guess. Do you mind?”
“I feel like I don’t have a choice.”
“You always have a choice, Bash.” He leans back onto his elbows in the turf, basking in the sun. “See, I think you and Thalia were together. It had to be sometime after you met that girl at the club and the weekend Owen went home with Lia and that French chick. Everyone is talking about your argument with Vera, where you told her nothing would happen again. Something can’t happen again unless it happened in the first place. I’m guessing that game of spin the bottle didn’t do you any favors.”
“You have quite the imagination,” I reply tightly because he got it spot on.
“Give me more credit than that. I practically had to drag Thalia out of a coffee shop because she and Vera were getting into it. I also asked Allie what she knew, since she’s friends with Vera.”
I swallow my pride and lie back on the grass again. “You pulled Thalia out of a coffee shop?”
“Yeah, by the way, you owe me a coffee. I gave Thalia mine. She was pissed about something, and Vera was pushing it.” Chris whistles lowly. It sounds like I owe him more than a coffee if that’s the case.
“Why’d you have to move out?” I groan despite the fact Owen and I knew it was only a matter of time before he moved out to live with his girlfriend. It just sucks he did, making it that much easier for Hurricane Thalia to take over every aspect of my life.
“Your problems would not be solved if I had stayed. Plus, Allie would have killed me if I pushed off us living together for another year,” he says, smiling. It’s hard not to be jealous of his uncomplicated relationship. “So, want to tell me what part I got right?”
“Pretty much all of it. Vera and I hooked up in June. It happened once when I was having a horrible day, and I drank too much. I never told Thalia because it meant nothing to me. Vera said something during that stupid game, which Thalia heard. We were going to tell Owen after the party. Then she broke up with me. I shouldn’t have said what I did to Vera, but I don’t know why she couldn’t let what happened go. Everything’s gone to shit since the party.”
Chris looks at me like I’m stupid—which, yes, I am. “Goddamn, you have gotten yourself into afucking mess. That explains the coffee shop and the party. Have you…I don’t know…tried talking to Thalia?”
I can’t help laughing because all I’ve been trying to do is talk to her. “Have you met Thalia? She is the most stubborn and frustrating person I’ve ever met. I’ve tried, but Lia doesn’t want to talk; she wants to torture me.”
“Pretty sure she’s also torturing herself. Have you looked at her? Thalia looks like she hasn’t slept in days.”
He’s not wrong. She has looked worse for wear, and I know I’m to blame. “I know,” I agree softly before addressing the elephant in the room. “I don’t know how to talk to Owen about it. He knows something, but I’m not sure what he knows. He’s like my brother, but she is his sister.” I don’t know what I thought would happen when I started pursuing Thalia. I guess I let myself get sucked into a delusion that she’s the one I buy flowers for.
“How long has it been going on?”
I drag my hand over my face. It’s weird talking to someone other than Mimi about this. “Since before she left for France. We weren’t together when she left, but it started back up when Lia came back.”
Chris bursts into laughter. “Owen’s going to fucking kill you. What about that chick you hooked up with that night we went to the bar?”
That was a rough night. “Oh, Lucy was my attempt to get Thalia out of my head. It didn’t work very well. Thalia stole my car while I was with Lucy. Lucy had to Uber back to her place because my car disappeared. Then, when Thalia got back, she asked me to have sex with her after returning my keys.”
“Dude, no wonder you’re always out here. I would be, too, if I were in your shoes. That’s a lot for anyone, Bash, even you.”
“I’m fine.” I’m so not, but eventually, it won’t be a lie.
He looks at me sympathetically, which is something I’d prefer never to have directed at me again. “In the four years I’ve known you, I’m surprised to see you give up so easily. I don’t think you’d risk your friendship with Owen if this were just a fling. It’s up to you, but you should keep trying until Thalia talks to you. She wouldn’t look so miserable if she didn’t care about you. Try not to say anything dumb either.”
~
My mind was elsewhere during the test I just took, because Chris was right. I have given up, but I don’t want to. Hence, the bouquet in my hand as I climb the stairs to the apartment. I feel a little like I’m walking to my funeral, but maybe that’s a good sign. If I didn’t feel sick, there’s probably nothing worth fighting for.
Thalia’s sitting at the counter, typing on her laptop. I’m sure it concerns her photography because her camera is next to her. There’s a smile on her face until Thalia notices that it’s me standing there. The smile instantly drops, and she turns back to the computer without a word.
I don’t care how many times I have to apologize; I’ll do it as long as necessary if there’s a chance one of the times she’ll forgive me. I clear my throat, resisting the urge to vomit. “Hey,” I say weakly, unsurprised when Thalia ignores me. “How was your day?” I continue, laying the flowers next to her.
“Great until you showed up,” she snipes.
I resist the urge to smile, because at least Thalia has acknowledged my presence—which is a win in my books—even if she thinks she’s insulting me. “Well, I just finished a test and didn’t do as well as I could have, which is frustrating. I got a B, so I’ll just have to study harder for the next one. Practice went long, and then Chris and I stayed after to review some new plays to take to Coach C.”
Thalia groans, looking up at me begrudgingly. Her expression is not happy, but it’s a win for me because she’s looking at me. “What do you want, Sebastian?”
I give her my most charming smile. “To say I’m sorry.”
“Seems to be a pattern lately.”
Thalia looks back down at her computer to ignore me again. “I really am sorry. For all of it. I should have told you about Vera, and it was unacceptable for me to bring Louis into it.”
“Do I look like I care if you’re sorry or not? It doesn’t change anything,” she says, pulling her blonde hair over her shoulder.
“Will you please just talk to me?”
Lia lets out a frustrated sigh, shutting her computer. “No. I don’t want to talk to you. What part of that is hard for your brain to comprehend?” She stands up, grabbing her flowers before moving quickly to the other side of the counter where I am. “I don’t want your flowers either.” She drops them into the trash, right where the last batch of flowers went.
I reach out to wrap my fingers around her hand before Thalia can walk away from me again. “Lia, I messed up. I know I did. What do I have to do for you to forgive me? Just tell me, and I’ll do it.” I’m not expecting forgiveness today. I’m not stupid.
She stills, lifting her emerald eyes to meet mine. “Nothing. Nothing you can say or do will get us back to where we were. Say I can get past you sleeping with my best friend before we got together and not telling me about it—why would I want to be with someone who can throw a traumatizing moment in my face? Do you even know how fucked up that is?” Her words pierce the exact way she intends them to.
“I do,” I agree, hoping she understands how much I regret it. “I do know, and I’m sorry. I lost my temper, and I took it too far.”
Thalia looks down at the narrowing space between us, realizing how closely we’re standing, and pushes me back. She doesn’t pull her hand away from me, though. “You convinced me that this was a good idea, that we were a good idea. Not that I owe you an explanation, but I want you to know that after everything that happened with Louis, I never talked about it until I told you. Despite never telling anyone what happened, I still told you because I wanted to be honest when you asked about my last relationship. I’m not saying that was the perfect moment to tell me about Vera, but if you planned on telling me, I think you would have tried a little harder.”
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn’t know that. I felt terrible before this, but now I don’t think I’ll ever assuage my guilt for trying to excuse my actions with something terrible that happened to Thalia. I grip the island counter to steady myself. “I’ll do anything. Anything, Thalia. I am so sorry. It was a mistake.”
“So was telling you about him. I have done so much to put it behind me, and then you treat it like a joke. Now let me go before Owen sees us,” Thalia seethes, and while I don’t want to, I let her go. She could have pulled away if she wanted to, but she didn’t. I can’t push her too far, or I’ll only succeed in pushing her away. The only way to get Thalia back is if it’s her decision.
Quite frankly, I don’t care if Owen sees. I do what she asks and take a few steps back to create the space she wants. “I’m not going to stop. I want you back, but I’ll wait until you’re ready. When that happens, I’ll shout it from the rooftops, and I’ll buy you enough flowers to fill the apartment with.”
“It’d be a waste of money. They die anyway.” Thalia twists her hands together. I have to remind myself that at least she’s talking to me. This wasn’t a total loss. Thalia grabs her stuff, retreating to her room without another glance at me.
Today was progress.