Chapter Forty-One - Thalia
I’M PULLED FROM my sleep when Sebastian tries to carefully slide out from underneath me, feeling the immediate loss of his warmth. The bed shifts and with the moonlight coming in from behind the curtains, I can make out enough to see Sebastian sitting hunched over on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands.
Bash sighs quietly, and I try to keep still so he thinks I’m sleeping. If he wanted to talk, he would have woken me up.
He’s been quiet the past few days, and I haven’t really known what to say. Other than him insisting that he was fine, Sebastian hasn’t said anything about what happened. Truthfully, I think it scared him. It would scare anyone. Hell, it scared the shit out of me.
I don’t know if the right thing is letting him pretend nothing happened. Sometimes when Sebastian thinks I’m not paying attention, he’ll watch the video from the game that shows what happened on his phone. It’s only happened a handful of times, but it’s only been a few days.
Owen isn’t faring much better. I’m surprised the crutches haven’t been chucked out the window yet, but tomorrow is supposed to be his last day on them.
I adjust slowly to rest my head on my arm, but it doesn’t matter how quietly I move because he still hears. “I’m sorry if I woke you up,” Sebastian says softly, and I take that as my cue to sit up.
“Are you okay?” I ask, crawling over to where he’s sitting and wrapping my arms around his torso. Bash falls silent, and I rest my head on his right shoulder.
“Just a bad dream.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Sebastian sucks in a sharp breath. “You’ll think I’m crazy.”
I press a chaste kiss to his shoulder. “Well, if someone had told me seven months ago that we’d be in a relationship, I’d call them crazy. If you want to talk, I’m here to listen, or we can sit here in silence. Either way, I promise I won’t think you’re crazy.”
It’s so normal for me with my insomnia that I didn’t think anything of it when he was awake. I should have questioned more why Sebastian was up in the middle of the night.
“I sometimes have these dreams that I think are memories, but I can’t…I don’t know if they really happened. I was so young when my parents died that I don’t remember them. It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Sometimes, the dreams are of my mom smiling at me, but I don’t know if it’s a memory or just a picture I saw at home,” Bash says, frustration lacing his voice. “There’s another one with my dad that I think about often. We’re at Mimi’s pool, and he throws me up in the air, catching me before I hit the water.”
“Did your grandparents ever talk about them while you were growing up?”
“Not really. If Mimi did, it was only by accident. I know it made them sad to talk about my parents. My mom’s parents were divorced, and neither wanted anything to do with me because I’m a walking and talking reminder of her. I didn’t know that until I found their numbers in Mimi’s phone as a teenager, and they asked me not to contact them again,” he says quietly, and my heart breaks for him.
“It’s their loss, Bash,” I whisper, trying to reassure him. “You’re the best person I know. They should have wanted to be a part of your life.”
“I know, but it doesn’t matter. My mom’s father died of a stroke a few years ago, and her mother lives in Oregon. I’m not even sure if she’s still alive or not. If they didn’t want to be in my life, I’m glad they weren’t there.”
“I had no idea.”
“It’s not something I talk about.” Sebastian exhales deeply, as if telling me this is a weight off his shoulders. How much exactly does he keep locked in? This isn’t healthy. “Is it sad that the only things I know about my parents are what Mimi has said while she thought I was my dad?”
“Maybe she thought she was protecting you? I do know Mimi loves you more than anything. There’s nothing that would have changed that.”
“I know she loves me, but I wish I knew more. Now there’s no one left who knew them.” Sebastian relaxes against me, and I hold on tightly to him. “Mimi’s favorite thing to tell me growing up is that almost can be the happiest or the saddest word because it’s all the chances you choose to take or not to take. If I’m being honest, I fucking hate the word. Everything in my life is an almost, and I’m so sick of waiting for the other shoe to drop when things are going well. I got it tattooed as a reminder of everything Mimi’s taught me.”
I uncurl one of my hands to rest it where I know the tattoo is. Bash flinches slightly, and I trace it once, hugging him tightly again. “I choose you, Sebastian. We’re not going to be another almost. I promise.” I know it’s a significant promise, but I mean it. Despite everything I’ve previously said in heated moments, I can’t imagine my life without Sebastian. I hate that I ever made him feel like he was less than. It explains a lot more about why my words hurt him so much when I asked Sebastian why I would want him. That was something, I’m guessing, he’d been asking himself for years because of his other grandparents.
“Tonight, I dreamed about the accident. My mom was singing, and then she was screaming…” He pauses to clear his throat, and I can hear in his voice how hard this is for Sebastian to talk about. “We were upside down, and there were flashing lights. I broke away from whoever was helping me to grab my bear that was covered in glass. I went back for the bear instead of my parents and then I never saw them again.”
Tears well up in my eyes, and I close them tightly to prevent them from falling as I press my cheek against his warm skin. “I’m sorry, Bash. I’m so sorry.” I didn’t know he was in the car when it happened. God, there’s so many things I didn’t know.
“Lia, there’s no reason to say you’re sorry. It’s a shitty card to be dealt, but I grew up raised by people that wanted me and loved me. The dreams are just confusing for me. I can’t make sense of what’s real and what’s fiction.”
He shifts to face me, causing me to disentangle myself from where I’m wrapped around him like a koala. I can’t help wanting to cry at the vulnerability Sebastian is letting me see.
“I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He reaches up and gently brushes away a stray tear with his thumb. I hastily wipe the tears from my cheeks. I need to get it together because I’m trying to comfort him, not vice versa.
“No, it’s not that. I mean, it partially is, but I don’t know. I hope you know you’re not alone, and before you say anything, I know you think you are,” I ramble quietly, recalling the conversation with my mom. “My family is your family too.”
“It’s okay. I know they are, and I appreciate it.” Sebastian leans forward to press a kiss on my forehead. “We should go back to sleep. Even if I can’t do anything, I still have to show up to morning weights.”
He lies back down on his bed, and I curl into his side, resting my head on his chest. I wait until I can tell he’s asleep before closing my eyes again.
~
My head rests on Bash’s lap as he watches game film, jotting notes in a notebook. I look up at him, noticing his jaw has more scruff than usual because he didn’t shave this morning after weights.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about our conversation last night. Sebastian was so vulnerable, showing me all his internal scars. I’m not going to do anything to make him regret telling me. Sebastian is the man I’ve always thought he was, and I’m glad we’re together.
“You’re staring at me,” Bash says without taking his eyes off the game.
“So? Am I not allowed to look at you?”
He pauses the game and looks down at me. “I clearly can’t tell you what to do; listening isn’t your best skill.”
I roll my eyes because that’s so not true. “I listen plenty.”
“No, you really don’t.”
“Shut up,” I say as he runs his fingers through my hair. “I listened at Thanksgiving, didn’t I?”
Bash lets out a short laugh, and I’m glad one of us can laugh about what a shitshow that day was. “I don’t know how you kept yourself in check. I expected the day would end with Vera sporting a black eye.”
“I can keep myself in check,” I try to defend myself even though we both know it’s not a strong suit of mine.
“Tell that to my face that was bruised after you hit me.”
I stick my tongue out at him. “First of all, you deserved it because you were being an asshole. Secondly, Penelope told me if I did ever hit you, I wasn’t allowed to hit your nose. I listened then and I went for your cheek instead.”
“Should I thank Penelope?” he questions, and I shake my head laughing.
“I don’t know if I’d be thanking her if I were you. She’s more violent than I am. Penelope suggested cutting your balls off, so if you want to thank someone, I would advise thanking your girlfriend, who thought that was a terrible idea.”
His face pales, and I continue laughing. This is priceless. Bash looks alarmed, and I cover my mouth to smother my laughter, but I can’t help it. I’m laughing so hard I have to force myself to breathe.
“She didn’t mean that, right?”
I sit up, still laughing, and fall off the couch. Sebastian is looking at me like I’ve lost it. And maybe I have. Who knows. I can’t remember the last time I laughed this hard.
Owen comes out crutchless to see what is happening, giving me a weird look. “Is she okay?” he asks Sebastian as I try to breathe, but it morphs into snorts.
“I’m not sure what’s going on with her. She thinks Penelope wanting to castrate me is funny.” Bash looks concerned as I wipe away some of the tears that have started to appear.
“Because it is funny!”
Owen shakes his head, grimacing at the thought. “God, you’re weird. I can’t believe we’re related.”
My side is cramping because of how long I’ve been laughing, and I press my hand on my stomach. “You’re the one who can’t walk past a mirror without checking yourself out,” I retort, and Bash snickers.
“I don’t do that,” Owen says defensively.
“Buddy, I hate to break it to you, but you do. I don’t know what Blake sees in you.” Sebastian shakes his head.
“Fuck you, I’m great. That’s what she sees.” Owen rolls his eyes, turning to go back to whatever he was doing before he came out. He tries to avoid situations where Bash and I act like a couple without another person as a buffer. If Thanksgiving hadn’t been so chaotic with Vera, he would have been gagging the entire meal.
Bash looks down at me with amusement. “Are you done?”
I grin widely at him. “Maybe. Are you done watching football?”
“No.”
“I want to go on an adventure. Can we go somewhere?”
“There are only twenty minutes left in the game. Can we go after?” he asks, grabbing the remote again. I groan, pushing myself up from the floor. Twenty minutes my ass. He keeps pausing and rewinding it. Those twenty minutes will turn into two hours.
“Guess I’ll just have to ask my other boyfriend to go with me,” I taunt, grabbing Sebastian’s jacket instead of mine that is right next to his.
Sebastian raises an eyebrow at me. “Oh, you have another boyfriend hidden away? Why don’t you tell me a little about him.”
I pretend to think. “Are you sure you want to know, because he’s hot, like, I mean mouthwatering? He is kind and sweet. He likes to take me on adventures and never complains about me staring at him. I could stare at him all day.” Bash gets off the couch as I snag his keys from the counter. “And he lets me drive his beautiful car really fast,” I add in with the hope he’ll let me drive today.
“Oh, does he?”
“Absolutely,” I reply, smiling cheekily at him.
And then Sebastian responds in French, causing my jaw to drop for several reasons. “Eh bien, est-ce qu’il t’aime comme moi?” He’s smiling at me. What? Did I hear that right?
Well, does he love you like I love you?
“You love me?” I ask, my brain glitching, and Bash shrugs.
“Sorry, I was talking about my other girlfriend.”
I push him, and Sebastian laughs happily. “I’m kidding. Yes, Thalia, I love you, even though you drive me insane.”
“And you said it in French! Since when do you know any?” He knows asshole, but that was a whole sentence!
He smiles sheepishly. “A few secret calls with Penelope, who apparently wants to castrate me.”
“I love you too.” I throw my arms around his neck to hug him tightly.
I really do love Sebastian. Nothing has ever felt more right than this.
He hugs me back tightly, pressing a chaste kiss to my forehead. “Let’s go on that adventure, but you need to break up with your other boyfriend on the way there,” Bash teases, causing my smile to grow wider.
“I think I can agree to that.”