26. SIENNA
26
SIENNA
How am I supposed to tell this man that it feels like I’m coming apart at the seams? Like I’m grasping at a fraying string that’s about to send me plummeting down into a dark, unknown hole? I’m supposed to be fighting this tooth and nail, trying to keep my distance from this man and all he stands for. Sex only, nothing else. No attachments, no learning more about the mafia than necessary. But here I am, facing it, and even helping it.
Hearing Alessio talk about the soldiers that will no doubt die, who will leave behind their wives and children because of my suggestion, is almost too much. I was a fool to think I could keep that separate. Thinking of this war from a sideline view is one thing. Staying ahead of my murderous family is not the same as being here in the middle of it and realizing tonight how dangerous it is, how vulnerable I am.
I was annoyed, irritated even, when that guard grabbed me, but when he said he would rape me and would enjoy it, it was like a punch to the gut. And it only makes me think back to what Alessio said to me in Scotland. What he warned me would happen.
They’ll toss you to their men to rape and torture until you’re nothing more than a broken shell.
I was so naive to think it wouldn’t happen to me. That I wouldn’t let it happen. But here I am, in a house that’s supposed to be safe, dealing with that. Not to mention, I just watched Alessio kill a man in front of me. It’s one thing to watch that on TV, and another to witness it first hand. But perhaps the worst part is I’m not sad about it. I’m not as horrified as I should be. Instead, I’m almost thankful he’s dead. How is that right? How can that possibly be okay?
I don’t even realize the tear that’s slipped out from the corner of my eye until Alessio’s expression changes from one of sternness to confusion and then grim determination. “Sienna, I need you to talk to me, coniglietto ,” he coaxes, releasing my chin to wipe gently at the tear before cupping my cheek in his palm. “Seeing you cry makes me want to murder someone, and I don’t think we can afford to lose another guard tonight.” I know he’s trying to be funny, but it only makes the burn in my chest intensify, and more tears fall. “Fuck,” he hisses, dropping his hand and then picking me up from the vanity and holding me close, using one hand to hook my legs around his waist. I don’t fight him; instead, I just bury my face in his neck, silently crying. “I’m sorry, cara mia ,” he murmurs, pressing a gentle kiss to my temple. “Talk to me. Let me fix it.”
Any other time, I might find it amusing that Alessio almost sounds half-panicked, but everything feels so chaotic in my mind I can’t do anything but hold tight and remain silent. I feel him moving, and I lift my head to find him sitting down on the wide edge of the tub surround, arranging me in his lap. He cups the side of my face again, holding me still and looking down at me, eyes intense on mine. “I feel like I’m falling apart, Alessio,” I whisper brokenly, “and I don’t know how to stop it.”
“Why do you feel this way? Explain it to me.”
I swipe at the tears on my face, trying to figure out how to tell him. How to make him understand. “Remember how I said the other night I don’t know how I’m going to function in this world?” He nods. “Well, tonight only proved it even more. I sat there and discussed how you could send men to their deaths. How could I do that and not feel guilty? Or at least shame, for doing it? It’s one thing to be on the sidelines, it’s another thing to participate. And that guard, as much as I want to tell you that you shouldn’t have killed him, he deserved to die. Not for what he did to me, or threatened me with, but for what he’s obviously done in the past to another woman. Seeing him fall dead, I felt this dark satisfaction. What kind of person does that make me?”
“It makes you human, Sienna,” he tells me softly, his thumb stroking lightly against my cheek. “You think that all the women out there that have been raped wouldn’t want to be in your shoes right now, seeing their attacker dead? Not one of them would shed a tear over them. And while that didn’t happen to you, it’s still enough to shake you up. Especially knowing your mother’s past, and what you’ve been training for your entire life. As for the rest of it, I take that blame, not you. I shouldn’t have pulled you into the meeting, put you in that position in the first place, but I can’t turn back time to fix it. Instead, all I can tell you is that I’ll never do that again.
“The women in our lives aren’t part of these kinds of things for this reason. Most women don’t need our darkness staining them because of the decisions we have to make. Will it help you feel better to know that the men who will die, they are going to their deaths knowing they will arrive in hell for doing the same as the guard who dared touch you tonight? The De Luca men, they’re known for being ruthless, and none of their soldiers are innocent. Some of their crimes are too much to even think of telling you. They don’t deserve your guilt, and they certainly don’t deserve any of your pity, Sienna.”
“I still can’t help feeling like I should feel bad for their children and their wives.”
“Their wives would probably thank you. The De Luca family are known for their hatred of women, and that extends to their soldiers. They purposely pick men that have the same mindset as themselves. They don’t care about their wives, about their female children. They want sons to be the next soldiers, and they are raising them to be like them. Perhaps those children who are still young will have a chance to be different, but under current hands, it won’t break the cycle.”
“I still feel guilty, I just can’t turn that off,” I protest softly. “I’m not built for this life, Alessio. I’m built to be a regular person that doesn’t think about the darkness of the world and what happens outside of my safety bubble. Growing up, there were whispers by random people on the street, or sometimes kids in school or at college if someone got mixed up in it. Now, I’m thrust into this life. And it’s not like I can ease into it. Instead, I have to worry about being kidnapped and sold off to the highest bidder, or dying in a war. I just want my life to be normal again, and knowing it never will be, is painful.”
Alessio’s eyes cloud with regret as he lowers his forehead to press against mine, his arms tightening around me. I grip his shirt in my hand, looking at him beneath my lashes. “I want to say that I’m sorry, cara mia , but I can’t. I can’t, because that would mean that you would be away from me, and as selfish as it is, I never want to lose you. But I can promise you once this is over, you and I can find a new normal. We can find a way to make you happy. Maybe it won’t be the same, but life doesn’t stop moving just because we aren’t ready or aren’t sure of where it will lead.”
“We barely know each other, Alessio; you can’t be sure this would even work. And, even if we did, how do we know it won’t just be for a little while before we turn miserable? You said yourself, there is no escaping this life now that I’m in it. So what happens if you get sick of me, or you find someone else that you would prefer to be with? Where does that leave me? It’s the unknowns that scare me the most, and it’s not like I can run back to my parents without leading a bunch of mobsters to their door. It’s like I know I’m going to lose them, all because of who I happened to be born to.” Just the thought fills me with despair.
“I will never want another, coniglietto. I know this with every part of me. I knew it the minute I read your file and saw your picture. I knew it the moment you left that note on the back of my SUV. I even knew it when you tied me to the bed in Spain and took that stupid picture. Even as angry as I was, I knew you were going to make my life interesting; you were going to make me work harder every day to make you see it as well. A man can’t get sick of the woman who is his utter obsession. And as for your parents, once this is over, they’ll be free to come and see you, or you see them, whenever you wish. This is not a normal time for us, and we would let it be known that your parents are under our protection. They will be safe. I’ll ensure it, because they are important to you, which means they are important to me.”
A part of me wants so badly to believe him. Wants so badly to accept everything he’s saying and throw caution to the wind. But I hold myself back, because I’m not so far gone to let myself do something stupid or reckless. “But you want me to be your wife, Alessio, and that means certain responsibilities I don’t understand yet. What if I’m terrible at all of them? And how can I be okay with that when I know that everything that goes on isn’t something I can always agree with?”
“All things come in time, cara mia . I’m not a Don yet, and possibly not for many years, if my father lives as long as we predict. Which means there is no role for you to fill other than being the woman that drives back the darkness on the bad days, and the one to keep me in check when I’ve lost my way. Everything else, that will get easier with time. And if I’m being honest, I don’t want you to lose your conscience. I see bad all the time that I often forget about the good; about the people that are outside our own small world. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, and we’re both going to struggle until we find our footing, but we can do it together. When you’re feeling as anxious as you are now, you need to talk to me, not push me away. No more running, coniglietto mia ,” he says with a soft tilt of his lips.
“Something tells me you’d catch me anyway,” I reply with a slight smile of my own. But it slips away and I whisper, “I’m scared, Alessio. So scared to lose myself, scared to fail or have someone get hurt because of me. Scared of screwing up and embarrassing you or your family, or hell, even Gia.”
“You can’t fail if you have me to lift you back up or catch you before you do. And who cares if you embarrass anyone else? The only person who matters is you, and everyone else can fuck off. You’ll learn in time. I’m sure Gia would help you if you asked her. Despite everything, she and Sofia have years of knowledge and experience to share. Though, make sure you ignore any of the stories that Sofia tells you, because those are wildly over exaggerated.”
I pull my head away from him and give him a yeah-right look. “Something tells me that she can’t exaggerate enough.” He smirks at me, neither confirming or denying anything, but that’s all I need to know. We lapse into silence for a long moment before I finally give in to my impulse and lean forward, pressing my lips to his. I pull away before he can take it any further and murmur, “The water is probably cold by now.”
Alessio looks like he wants to drag me back over to him, but instead, he dips a hand down into the water. “Indeed. We’re just going to have to fill it back up, won’t we?” He pulls his hand back out, kisses me again, a little harder this time, and then lifts me from his lap and gets to his feet. “Undress, coniglietto , and I’ll take care of it.”
I’m too tired to argue, so I pull off my clothes, letting them drop to the floor, and then climb into the newly hot water once he motions for me to go ahead. I don’t miss the way his eyes heat and his gaze moves over me as I go, and a quick stirring of desire starts to build again in my belly. I give a soft moan of contentment as the heat of the water loosens and relaxes all my stiff muscles, closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the edge of the deep soaker tub.
“Move forward, cara mia ,” Alessio instructs, and I open my eyes to see him beside the tub, looking down at me expectantly. I scoot forward and he climbs in, hissing at the heat of the water. “Damn, are you trying to boil yourself in here?”
“You’re the one who made it this warm, but yes, this is the perfect temperature,” I quip over my shoulder. I settle back against him, relaxing, while also trying to ignore the erection that is currently pressing into my back. “Are you always hard?” I ask him curiously, side-eyeing him.
He smirks at me. “I am whenever you’re around, cara mia . Add in all that sass and attitude you like to spout, and I could hammer stone.”
“That gets you going, huh? No wonder you were so slow catching me.” I yelp when he pinches my nipple, and glare at him when he lets go. “Asshole.”
He merely grips my hips and turns me around so I’m facing him, my knees on either side of his hips. “All you’re doing is proving my point, coniglietto ,” he purrs softly, arching his hips so his cock rubs enticingly against my mound. One of his hands goes to my ass and urges me tighter against him. “Every time you sass me, the only thing I can think about is fucking it right out of you. While at the same time, wanting you to do it all over again.” I moan when his shaft rubs against my throbbing clit. God, this man can get me going in seconds, and I’m all for it.
My hands come up to his shoulders to hold myself steady as I arch my hips into him. “You should probably see someone about that. Might be a problem if one of your men starts back-talking you.”
He slaps a hand against my ass, though the water eases the sting, before he rasps, “Don’t worry, cara mia , it only seems to be an affliction where you’re concerned. And don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing. Is my coniglietto looking to be fucked? Does she need her man’s cock pounding inside her, making good on his promise?” His hand on my ass slides down, before dipping down further and thrusting two fingers hard inside me. I gasp at the intrusion, making my hips jolt forward against his shaft, which in turn has him groaning. “Oh yeah, you are definitely looking to be fucked, aren’t you, cara mia ?” he grits out as he thrusts his fingers in and out of me in a slow, steady motion.
“Pretty sure that’s what happens when you parade around naked,” I gasp, pushing my hips down to try and take more of his fingers inside me with each thrust. But it’s not enough. I need more friction, I need more everything. Desperately, I move one hand from his shoulders and reach into the water, wrapping my hand around his cock and angling the head to hit my clit with every downward thrust of my hips. It’s exactly what I need, and I do it a few more times as I stare at Alessio, whose eyes are burning with desire.
“Fuck, yes, Sienna,” he grits out as he moves his fingers harder inside me. “That’s it, cara mia , use my cock how you need it. Show me how much you want it. Fuck.” His eyes go hooded when I lean back, dislodging his fingers, but now using the whole of his shaft to rub myself against, torturing us both.
My orgasm rises with each tight slide through my folds and over my clit, but I need more. I need him inside me. I shift forward, holding him until I can settle my entrance over him and sink down. Both of us groan when I take him easily inside. I hold myself still over him, enjoying the sensation. Alessio simply grips my hips and watches me, jaw clenched and eyes hooded. I can’t help but feel powerful at the knowledge that right now, this man is at my mercy. But I want him too much, and I’m too wrung out to play any games. Instead, I swivel my hips before lifting up and then back down slowly, the water splashing around us with my movements.
Alessio’s hands grip my hips tight enough that I know I’m going to be bruised, and the pain of that along with the pleasure of him filling me has my orgasm rising. It’s not a fast burn like before. No, this one is slow, steady, and all consuming. It’s almost too much. “Fuck, Alessio,” I moan, moving myself a little faster, needing more.
“That’s it, cara mia ,” he coaxes, arching his hips to meet my thrusts. “You’re taking me so perfectly.” He leans forward, his mouth finding my neck, nipping and sliding his tongue over the sensitive skin, making me shiver with it. My inner walls clamp down around him in reaction, and he groans. “Oh yes, someone likes that,” he rasps before he does it again, a bit harder this time.
I cry out as the sensations move through me, and I instinctively start moving faster over him, desperate to chase it. Craving it. My nails dig into his shoulders, needing them to keep myself steady. “Alessio.” I need more. I need all of it. “I need more. More,” I beg when my orgasm remains just out of reach.
He pulls away, stills my hips, and then lifts me off him in one quick move. It’s so sudden that I don’t have time to process before he’s maneuvering me to the edge he was laying back against, with him now behind me. He thrusts hard into me, jolting me forward. “Hold on to the edge, cara mia ,” he growls as his hands grip my hips. I do as he says, and I have to brace myself as he sets up a hard pace.
Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I need.
I moan at the feel of him thrusting inside me, at the sound of the water splashing, my entire body feeling like it’s on fire. My orgasm rushes forward, but still remains just out of reach. My breath chokes on a sob as I grind back against him, desperately needing it. Needing him. “Alessio,” I cry, though I’m not sure what I’m asking him for.
Thankfully, he’s far more in tune to what I need than I am right now, because he stills, grips my hair, and pulls me back so I’m kneeling in front of him as he wraps his other arm around my front to support me, changing the angle and hitting that magical spot inside me. “That’s right, Sienna,” he pants in my ear as he resumes his thrusting. “I know exactly what you need. Because you’re mine, aren’t you? Only I know what you crave. What you desire. Because this pussy was made for me. For me to fuck, for me to fill so full that you’ll never forget who belongs there, will you?” He lets go of my hair, moving his hand down my front and finding my clit, rubbing it fast as a cry falls from my lips. Stars burst in front of my eyes, and my hips are erratic as I try to take more of him, while also trying to chase the sensation of pleasure shooting through me. “This pretty little clit is hard and throbbing for me, isn’t it, cara mia ? It needs me to make you feel so good, doesn’t it?”
I can barely understand him, the fire burning inside me almost all-consuming. “Alessio,” I sob, my hands coming up desperately and gripping his arm in the water. I don’t know if I want to hold him tighter or pull him away. The sensations inside me are too much. Too fucking much.
He must realize how close I am to falling apart because he stops rubbing at my clit and instead pinches it, and that’s all it takes to send me over the edge. I cry out, my entire body shuddering with it, and I’m vaguely aware of Alessio’s thrusts increasing until he finally stills, filling me, my name a growl alive in the air.
By the time I settle, my body spent, I’m grateful Alessio is holding me because otherwise I’d fall face first into the water and drown. Alessio presses a kiss between my shoulder blades, making me shiver, and he groans as my inner walls clench around him again. “Are you trying to kill me, coniglietto ?” he gasps as he grinds himself into me. “I don’t think I can come again just yet, but you’re already begging me for more.”
I give a soft chuckle, unable to manage anything else. After another long moment he eases out of me, and the next few minutes are a blur as he washes us both before draining the tub, helping me out of it, and drying us both off. My knees aren’t steady, but thankfully he takes pity on me and carries me to the bed. I slide under the covers, so tired I’m asleep almost instantly.
The bed dips as he climbs in behind me after turning out the lights, and he pulls me back against him, curling around me. As I finally slip into sleep, I almost hope he’s right and that we’re going to figure out a way through this, because Alessio is starting to show me parts of him that I want to explore.
As much as it scares me, it excites me too. Maybe being with him is exactly what I need, but only time will tell. I just have to hope that my heart is strong enough to withstand the pain of losing him if I’m wrong.