Chapter 1
Death.
Experiencing it was one thing, but having lived through it was something entirely different. I had seen it firsthand, watched the light leave creatures’ eyes as they took their final piece of my torture and then succumbed to their wounds. It always seemed to happen so fast even when I was trying to make it last and give the crowds something to salivate over. My own death—the thing that still haunted me daily—was a constant slow-motion rendition of everything playing in my head. I wondered if this happened to every single entity that ever got resurrected.
Did they also have memories of their deaths?
Was the last visual they saw a person they loved? That’s how it was for me and despite a dagger to the stomach being a painful way to go, seeing the angel that owned your heart crying over you was worse. Much, much worse.
I’d had that same thought pass through my mind right before I passed out in Nicholas’s bed. I’d been staying in his room ever since I got discharged from the infirmary, well, more like Nick told me I was staying with him, and I wasn’t about to argue if I could have him all to myself. It had been nearly two weeks now and Nicholas Cassial had doted on me continuously, but my answers to him were always the same.
I felt fine. No, I was better than fine. I felt balanced .
It was an odd thing to admit, but it was the truth. I wasn’t about to go into details about something I didn’t quite understand yet. I hadn’t really had enough time to process it since getting swept away and, yet again, being on lockdown at The Skies. Elise had chosen to stay at Oculus with Natalia and Xander, stating in the nicest way possible that ‘she would rather gouge out both her eyeballs with one of Reese’s arrows than be stuck in this fortress of ineptitude again.’ Garrett and Beetee had remained in Oculus with her, even though Beetee herself didn’t have any choice in the matter if Elise had anything to say about it. I hadn’t seen much of them if I really thought about it; everything had moved so fast once the dust seemed to settle.
Nick had sat me down the night we settled into his room and told me about Beetee. I had let him speak without interruption, but I knew that he was looking for some kind of reaction out of me. I had simply nodded and told him that I wasn’t all that surprised. I had a feeling her snake shifting abilities weren't the only thing intriguing about her. I knew Nick assumed Beetee and I would have some sort of weird connection since we were both hybrids, but things were a big, jumbled mess now. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how that conversation would even begin.
I loved Nick with all my heart, but he wasn’t the person I wanted to talk to about what I was feeling. I needed to speak to someone who understood magic, dark or light, the way he couldn’t. I had no idea if his newfound powers, his whole necromancy moment, was the reason my insides felt the way they did. My dagger had always been my main source of everything and now that was gone. I wanted to talk to Natalia, but I learned she only ever came to The Skies for short periods, likely trying to avoid Ariel at all costs. I didn’t blame her. My insides didn’t seem to be battling for dominance any longer, so I wouldn’t ponder on this odd sense of peace in my… soul ? For now, I was the best I could be.
The minute the word, fine , left my lips, Nick would look at me with that raised eyebrow expression of his that screamed skepticism, but he’d eventually concede because arguing with me never ended well for him. Okay, arguing with me did end well for him during our little fight in the training room, but that was much different. I had dealt with his many, many versions of “I’m fine” while we were in Purgatory so he could deal with mine.
He had stomped past my room in the infirmary after I’d told him to go talk to Natalia about what had happened in Purgatory and what he had done, but somewhere in between, leaving my room and whisking me away to his, something threw him off. Nicholas was so set in his ways that getting anything out of him was like cutting through thigh muscle. That shit was thick and tough, no matter how sharp the blade.
I wasn’t a complete idiot and could figure out that it had something to do with how he came to have resurrection powers. I was cuddled up against his chest, when he leaned into me, speaking right into my hair and told me everything. What I was not prepared for was for him to tell me that it had anything to do with his mother. My heart nearly broke the moment he uttered the words that she had died, his voice cracking just a tiny bit.
There were times when his voice was tight like he was holding in anger and times when it was soft like he was trying not to cry. He’d told me how he was surprised about Natalia’s mother, but that Natalia herself would be more upset about that part than he was. The air felt different when he was done speaking and I realized I had been holding my breath for too long when my chest felt tight.
I figured he hadn’t wanted me to say anything about his confession, but I did say the only thing that mattered. I said I was sorry. There was so much he knew and still so much he didn’t. Even the smallest missing details could seem major for a revelation like that.
His response was just to hold me tighter and kiss my hair, leaning further towards me and angling my chin so that I was looking at him. Even in the darkness of his room, his features were always something I could make out. His lips met mine and it was quick and chaste, but it was enough. He’d put on a good front pretending to act like the information didn’t affect him, but the realization that after all that time in Purgatory, he hadn’t once decided to go home and see his father. It had me concerned for lack of a better word. Maurice Cassial was clearly giving his son space, which was fair, but at some point, someone would have to cave. I had a much better chance of convincing the younger Cassial.
At least that’s what I’d thought. I hadn’t anticipated him being so fucking good at redirecting the conversation to more physical pursuits or finding some reason to leave and dodge talking, which is exactly what he’d done early this morning before the sun came up. His excuse: sentry angel stuff—whatever the fuck that meant. That was also what he’d said yesterday, but today I had been too fucking tired to argue with him. It was as if he had said what was needed and was moving on, which included leaving his father behind.
The moment the topic was brought up, he would look annoyed and claim there was nothing left to say. That was true, there was nothing left to say— to me —but to his father, there was still so much more. When Nick and I were so close, snuggled up together, whether it be day or night, I felt warmer, like his light and whatever light I had mingled and coexisted together. I could feel at times that his light would waver like something that used to light it up just a little brighter was gone, same as the light in his eyes would dim when any mention of his father was brought up. There was some darkness there, always letting me know that he wasn’t cured of his internal pain, but I would honestly be more concerned if it didn’t linger just a bit. It was a part of him now, but he was working through it, and I had never been prouder of him.
He was hurt, but I’d told him so many times in Purgatory that letting it out was a lot better than keeping it in. I couldn’t help him through this conversation like I’d done before. What I could do was incessantly annoy him about it to the point that maybe he would rather go home than stay quiet, not that my plan was working out well for me.
My overworked mind was rivaling what should have been restful sleep when I felt a surprising but not unpleasant feeling between my legs. My panties were being moved to the side and a cloud of warm breath hit my pussy. I felt my stomach tighten but I kept my eyes closed. I felt kisses being placed along my inner thighs and then one kiss right at my clit. Something wet that felt like a tongue flicked against the sensitive bundle and I clenched the comforter in my hand. I hadn’t had a dream like this in a minute and with everything going on, I severely needed it. The tongue took one long lick and then another, eventually hyper focusing on my clit like it was on a mission to give me the best fucking orgasm. I reached up and held onto the pillow behind my head, letting out a moan into what I assumed was an empty room.
I felt hands wrap around my thighs and push my legs up and apart a little more. One of the hands glided towards the inside of my thigh, between my legs and a finger slid down my wet slit. That finger gently circled my entrance and then slid inside. My body responded in this way like I knew the hand those fingers were attached to. The finger curled, massaging that part of me that made my toes curl, and matched with the way it moved in time with the skilled tongue had me wanting to scream.
I pressed my lips together before parting them, blowing out a breath and whimpering, “more.”
I heard a groan, and it sounded familiar, like I’d heard it muffled against my ear recently. I still had my eyes closed and my mind was foggy from sleep, but I turned my head seeing the tiny bits of light from behind my eyelids. I slowly started to open my eyes, slightly disappointed that this dream was over, when I felt two fingers slide inside of me and a mouth clamp around my clit. I bit my bottom lip as my eyes flew open, the window in the bedroom shining light on the large lump that was shrouded in covers as I looked down the bed.
This wasn’t a dream at all, and I knew exactly whose fingers those were. I must have been in a deep sleep to not be aware of that tongue and who it belonged to. His other hand worked its way up my body, pushing the t-shirt of his I wore further up. The warmth of his skin sent tingles throughout my own. I slipped my hand under the covers and down my stomach until I felt his mess of hair. I grasped as many of the strands as I could, pressing his face further between my thighs. His growl of approval had me thrusting my pelvis up against him, wanting more of what he could give me. He pressed a third finger inside, keeping up the rhythm his tongue created along my clit.
“Fuck, Nick. That’s so good, so fucking good,” I felt my thighs tighten as his fingertips kept rubbing that perfect spot over and over again. My heart thundered in my chest from the way he sucked my clit into his mouth and then flicked his tongue over it, just to bring it back into his mouth again. I pushed my body into the comforter trying to hold out and make this last, but fuck , he was good at this. My orgasm slammed into me so hard I had to close my eyes again, so I could hopefully regain some composure. His mouth and fingers left me, not before he planted a soft kiss to my pussy while both his hands trailed their way up my body.
He tickled me as he traveled towards my face. I giggled, searching for him under the covers, but he swerved out of the way, continuing to torment me. He eventually let up, shoving the covers away from his head with a smirk on his face. His hair was a mess and his mouth glistened slightly, still coated in my arousal. His smirk melted into an adoring expression that was only reserved for me when he nuzzled his nose alongside my own. “There she is.”
“Hi,” I answered, leaning up to kiss him. I tasted myself and it caused me to wiggle the lower half of my body against him. Nick pulled away, burying his face into my neck, planting kisses that heated my skin to an unhealthy temperature. His hand toyed with the hem of my shirt and dragged it up, so that he could touch more of my skin, eventually palming one of my breasts. As if on instinct, I lifted my legs so that my knees were bent near his sides. “Nick, we need to talk.”
He removed his hand from my chest and back down to where my panties were. Hooking his fingers into them, he deftly slid them down, removing them from one of my legs but not bothering with the other. “Mmhmm.” His voice was muffled as he continued to move in a way that we both knew so well. Before I could blink, he had his pants down enough to slide his cock against me.
“Nick,” I said, trying to sound stern, but it only came out like a desperate plea when a moan escaped right after it as he pushed inside of me with ease. “Oh, god.”
He continued to rock into me, his rhythm almost lazy, but it was still meticulous like he knew exactly what I liked and what felt good for both of us. He pressed his forehead to mine, his breath mingling with mine as he grabbed the side of my face gently, grazing his thumb along my cheek. He pushed his hips against me, and I swallowed hard, trying to remember myself and get my shit together.
“Nick.”
His eyes were closed when he answered me, “yes?”
“T-talk. You a-and m-me.” My words were coming out stuttered as he kept thrusting into me over and over again.
He nodded, but not in a way that told me he was understanding but more like he was distracted by what we were doing to really give me all of his attention. “Talk. Fuck . Okay, right.” He kept his one hand on my face and moved his other one to my thigh, bringing it up higher. The movement now caused me to feel his cock deeper and nearly had me screaming.
I licked my lips, gathering my thoughts. This wasn’t the best time to say any of this, but there never seemed to be a right time with this man. “We really need to…. fuck …talk about your, yes , right there .”
My words were lost when he took the one hand that was still wrapped around my thigh and started rubbing his fingers along my clit. My orgasm had been starting to creep up on me, but right then I felt myself starting to come. He pulled me in for a deep kiss that had me needing oxygen. My breathing started to even out as he started to pull out, which had me feeling like my opportunity to question him was among us. That was short-lived, when he lifted himself up, grabbing me and flipping me over in one fluid motion so I was on my hands and knees in front of him.
I blew my hair out of my face as he tugged on my panties that hung off my other leg, chucking them onto the floor. He smoothed my shirt out of the way, so he had a full view of my lower back and ass. I looked over my shoulder watching him. Nick spread his whole hand out, palming each cheek. He pressed one of his fingers inside of me, then took it out, putting it in his mouth to taste me again. A satisfied groan left his throat. “You’re so fucking perfect, needy one.” He grabbed his cock, teasing my pussy as he worked himself over my clit and then up to where I wanted him most. I felt him push inside of me, inch by inch, wanting me to feel all of him and all I wanted to do was bury my face in a pillow and take it. He pulled out all the way to the tip and then drove himself back in with no hesitation, starting to create a less casual rhythm than before.
I would regret this…I really, really fucking knew I would, but in the long run this would be good for him. At least that’s what I hoped for.
“I really think… oh, fuck , we need to talk about your… fuck , your dad.” I almost felt myself cringe when the words left my lips. Out of all the times I’d brought up what happened in Purgatory and his conversation with his father, I’d never brought it up during sex. It was a risk, but I loved a little risk.
Nick slowed his movements, but he didn’t necessarily stop. I could feel the pressure his fingertips were applying to my hips, while he took in my words as if he was making sure I had actually said what he thought I’d said. “Did you really just bring up my father?”
“Umm, well…” I started, bringing my bottom lip into my mouth as his hips moved slowly, “yes.”
“Why in the fuck did you think right now was the best time for that?” He brought his hand towards the middle of my back and pushed me down, so that my ass was propped up more and I instinctively turned my face so my cheek could rest against the pillow. His cock was still moving inside of me, and I could feel his motions becoming quicker and more persistent.
“You really haven’t… yes, don’t stop , left me with any other options,” I replied in between the moments of pure pleasure he was still bestowing upon me.
Nick held my hips and moved me with him, harder and rougher, as if he was unloading all of his frustrations towards the situation I was trying to mend. My ass hit his pelvis over and over again, but he didn’t let up. “I don’t want to talk about my father while I’m fucking you. All you should be thinking about is how good my cock feels inside that pretty pussy of yours.” His palm landed right on my ass with a loud smack. I nearly yelped in surprise and the stinging quickly dissolved into more need that caused my thighs to tremble.
I started to speak again, but another smack landed on my other cheek and the words got caught in my throat. His bed was starting to shake, and my orgasm was brewing, I could feel it…yet again. I planted my hands on either side of my head, pushing myself up so I could look at him over my shoulder.
“But Nick, I think…”
He reached out and grabbed my hair, pulling me up so that my back was to his front. He leaned down enough so that his mouth grazed the shell of my ear. “ I think you should focus on coming, like my good girl.” He put his hand between my legs and rapidly began to rub my clit. He was completely obliterating any sort of coherent thoughts I could have, but there was always this tiny piece of reality that settled in the forefront of my mind. No matter how good his dick was, he couldn’t just make me forget.
“ Fuck, fuck, Nick , I just seriously think…”
Nick held me in place as he pounded into me in short rapid thrust, wrapping his large hand around my throat and tilting my head up. “Just come for me and we can talk about whatever you want, baby.”
“We both know you’re lying, Nicholas,” I taunted, reaching around, and grabbing the hand that was clasping my throat. He moved harder, but when he looked down at me, he was smirking. It was that look of adoration again with just a hint of annoyance. “But, fuck, I really want you to make me come.” His fingers pressed on my clit as they continued to rub, and I felt my orgasm barrel through.
“That’s it. That’s my good girl,” he praised as I held his hand against the soft skin of my throat. I let my orgasm continue to come in waves and I heard him groan behind me almost like he was in some sort of pain, but I was too far in my sex fog to determine the cause. He pumped into me a few more times before he released all that he had inside of me, resting his head on top of mine and breathing heavily.
I released his hand which he swiftly removed from my sight…which was odd. He bent down to kiss my hair, my neck and both my shoulders, mumbling an I love you with each kiss. I felt his cock leave me, each and every time making me realize how full he made me feel. He walked back on his knees, pulling his pants back up. Nick shimmied off the bed and headed for his bathroom. I settled back on the bed, searching for my panties somewhere in the giant heap of fucked up sheets and comforter. Once I’d found them, I dragged them up my legs and sat cross legged on top of the sheets.
Nick emerged from his bathroom, immediately heading for his dresser. I narrowed my eyes directly at his back, knowing that he could feel my stare.
“Nicholas?”
“Yeah?” He answered, searching in one of his drawers. He pulled out a fresh shirt, throwing it on top of the wooden piece of furniture and started to remove the current shirt he was wearing.
I cleared my throat and started to mimic him, “‘just come for me and we can talk about whatever you want, baby.’ Sound familiar?”
I noticed his shoulders tense and his impressive back muscles pulled together. He finished getting dressed before turning to look at me. “There really isn’t anything to talk about. I told you everything he said to me, so I don’t really understand why you keep pushing. There isn’t anything for me to say to him.”
I scoffed, “I’m not pushing. I’m trying to understand.” I wagged my finger in his direction. “That’s a load of bullshit by the way. From what you told me you didn’t say much to him at all. I have a really distinct feeling you heard him speak, said some version of what the fuck, dad or how could you , and stormed out.” I raised an eyebrow expecting him to try to tell me I was wrong.
Nick looked away from me, giving me my answer.
“Ugh, Nick, I’m not trying to…”
“He kept so much shit from me, he fucking withheld things from me about my own mother! The man lied to me, Dani!” He shouted, slamming the still open drawer shut. Ah, there it was.
I let out a heavy sigh and moved off the bed. I padded over to where he stood, wrapping my arms around him, and tilting my face up so I could see him. At first, he didn’t move, he just let me hold him, but with every passing second his tension melted away and he placed both his hands on either side of my face. I stood on the tips of my toes and kissed his lips. “Maybe I do push a little, but that’s because I care. You have every right to be upset but maybe some time has passed that you can try to look at it from his point of view. He is still your dad, babe.”
He nodded, but it was the same nod as before. The nod that told me he was distracted and only doing it for the benefit of the moment. He moved his hand to the back of head, threading his fingers into my hair and pulled me towards him, kissing my forehead.
He gave me the answer he always ended up on. “Yeah, okay.”
“Nick.”
“I’ll think about it, how’s that?”
I kissed his nose, mumbling a fine against his skin. “Can I go with you?”
He raised one of his eyebrows. “Go where?”
I took a step back and nodded over to his door. “Wherever you’re going. I’m quite literally a prisoner in your room, Nicholas.”
He ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “Don’t be dramatic, you are not a…”
“I promise you I can be dramatic when I need to, but right now I’m speaking only the truth. The only outside knowledge I get is from you reporting on life beyond that door. We’ve been out of your room once and that’s only because it was pitch black outside and I’d begged you for twenty-four hours straight. Not to mention every time I tried to bring up your dad you kept trying to kiss me, mister master deflector.”
Nick closed his eyes, tilting his head towards the ceiling. He hadn’t bound me to his bedroom or threatened me into remaining here under his watch, but after the first two days of living in his room, he’d come back from his first of many Ariel meetings and told me—in so many words—that the red-headed angel was still not my biggest fan and that he was severely unimpressed, but also not surprised with the fact that Lilith was still out there. Nick had thought it was best I didn’t try to move about The Skies—unless he was with me, and it was the fucking witching hour— in hopes that I wouldn’t run into Ariel or any of the other sentries he had gotten to follow his lead of tyrannical insanity. I’d wanted to let things cool down but after about three days of his insanely boring four walls, I’d wanted a change.
“I can handle Ariel, you know.”
He shook his head. “I know you can handle yourself. You are probably one of the most capable creatures I know.” He sent a small smile in my direction, “I just…with everything that happened…Ariel can be a triggering individual.” Nicholas had a good heart, a heart he had ultimately given to me, and I had a feeling that was holding me back from simply walking out of this room during all hours of the day.
“I’m well aware or did you think I forgot about the time you almost pounded his face in because he insinuated you made all your choices because I seduced you.”
He narrowed his eyes at me, but there was a glint of playfulness.
“You also almost beat him up because he talked shit about your dad. I’m pretty sure that Nicholas would give his old man a chance.”
The playfulness was gone, and it looked like he was lost for a moment remembering a time when he held his father on a pedestal. He licked his lips, taking one step towards me. He kissed my forehead again. “I said I would think about it.”
I placed my hands on my hips, blowing a loose curl from my face. “And I’ve said to you before that I can control myself. If you want me to believe you, you will need to believe me.” I didn’t have my dagger anymore and that in itself had me feeling like I was just an ordinary demon. I felt like something Ariel shouldn’t be worried about, although there was a nagging feeling telling me that was a complete lie and that I should quit while I’m ahead.
“You need to just lay low, alright. We don’t need anything leading Lilith or Dimitri to believe you’re alive. Until I can get Ariel to simmer down and not look at you like…” he hesitated, rubbing his lips together. The sun was starting to shine through his window more, casting a light on his face and that distinctive scar under his eye.
“A monster,” I finished for him. “I know you don’t think I’m anything like that Nick, but the longer you hide me away in here, the more you are giving into whatever Ariel thinks. I can be a lot more helpful out there than I will be in here, or at least I won’t understand how helpful I can be unless you let me out so I can talk to Natalia.”
Nick gave me a sympathetic look, almost like he wanted to keep me in this bubble to shield me from the realms. It was sweet but suffocating. “Just relax. I’ll be back with some food, and I’ll take you for a midnight walk through The Skies again later tonight.” He sounded like he wanted that moment to hold me over for the time being and all I could do was roll my eyes. He grabbed his sword from where it leaned next to his dresser.
I caught a small glimpse of his hand, the one he had pulled back from around my throat far too quickly. I thought I saw a pink handprint on his skin, almost like a surface level burn. “Nick, what’s on your hand?”
He tensed for a moment, but rallied, placing the hand in question into his pants pocket. He took one of my hands in his free one and kissed it. “I’m going to be late, but I’ll be back soon. I love you.”
He had given me one last forehead kiss and was out the door before I could figure out what the fuck just happened.
I walked over to his dresser and leaned down, opening up one of the drawers that had my clothes in it. Pulling out what I wanted, I headed towards the bathroom. I turned the knob for the shower, running my hand under the water while I waited for it to get hot.
Nicholas had told me to stay put.
I told him to talk to his dad.
I laughed to myself, shaking my head. I guess neither one of us was getting our wish.
I had sat in this room and played house with him, waiting for way too long. I removed my clothes and stepped into the shower knowing he would be less than thrilled. My handsome angel should know by now that his authoritative tone only worked when he planned to get me naked and use that mouth for better things.