Chapter 34
I slid off the desk, climbing onto the bed and tucking in my legs so I could sit on my knees. Reese whistled as he looked around the room, his hazel eyes landing on me.
“How is cohabitation?”
I bit the inside of my cheek. “Um, it’s fine. Different than before since Ariel keeps Nick out all fucking day.”
Reese nodded as if that made sense. “You could always make a break for it, you know. Have a little explorative adventure.” He gave me a mischievous grin that I couldn’t help laughing at. Laughing felt good.
“Don’t tempt me. I’ve thought about it, believe me.” I looked at his shirt, the sea foam green color offsetting his lightly tanned skin nicely. He shifted up so that he was more comfortable against the wall and pieces of— something —flew off his shirt.
I leaned over so I could get a closer look.
“What are you doing?” he asked, cautiously.
I reached my hand out and plucked something dark and thin off his shirt. “Is this dog hair?”
The blonde angel looked down, as if he was just now noticing he was covered in remnants of a certain hellhound. Reese ran his hands down his shirt, pulling at the material to try to rid himself of the evidence.
“It’s okay to admit you happen to like the little fur ball.”
“ He likes me , okay. I tolerate him.” He shrugged, settling back on the bed. “And I just so happen to love the fact that his affection for me pisses off his mother.”
I giggled, but then my mind went to Elise and the others. “How is everyone?”
“Good, Garrett, Leah and their offspring got settled in some house Natalia offered them, Beetee is stressing out since she has the whole Daya thing to deal with, especially with her moms here now but apparently Xander likes to whisk her away to help at the apothecary and Elise is well… herself , if that tells you anything.”
“And Maurice, Daya, the rest of them?”
Reese ran a hand through his blonde locks. “Everyone is okay, Dani. I wonder if it would surprise you to know that all of them have asked about you . They’re concerned. None of us were locked away in a prison cell by our deranged ex who for some reason can’t understand that no means no.” He raised his index finger. “Wait, I’m wrong. Your boyfriend was locked away in a prison cell, but that was by a different deranged individual.”
My heart had gleamed with pride when Nick had gotten to the part of his storytelling where he’d punched Ariel in the face. I really wished I had been there to see it because trying to imagine it just wasn’t good enough.
“I can’t say I’m surprised Ariel threw him in there.”
Reese snorted. “Nick would happily go to angelic jail for you. That’s a no brainer, Dani. It was pure punishment for him being away from you.”
I blinked away from him, focusing on the soft comforter underneath me. Nick had no other thoughts but finding me and bringing me back. He was never going to settle for less than that.
I fingered the scars at my thigh, feeling how much the raised skin had decreased since I’d started using the gel Xander made. I peeked up to see Reese watching me with a raised eyebrow.
“What?” I asked, moving my hand away from my thigh and threading my fingers together, placing them in my lap.
He shook his head. “You look better. I mean Nick has told me that you were better. You heal up nicely—physically, I mean.”
I wrinkled my nose. “What does that mean? Physically.”
“All the wounds look good, that’s all.” He pushed away from the wall, pressing his index finger to my forehead. “I don’t know exactly what’s going on in there, so I felt I needed to specify.”
I bit my bottom lip, pushing his hand away. “I’m fine generally .”
He let out a small laugh. “Hm, you sound a little like your boyfriend there.”
I rolled my eyes and turned my body so I could scoot up the bed, resting my back against the wall. My head was at his shoulder, but he didn’t look down at me once I was settled. The sound of our mutual breathing was kind of soothing to me.
I lifted my hand, letting shadow and light intertwine in my palm. It felt so easy now, giving my all to the two things I’d thought would never become a united force. The power got a little bigger and began to grow higher, but I snuffed it out by closing my hand. His eyes were wide and alert when I looked up at him. “See? Totally fine.”
He furrowed his blonde brows. “Somehow the use of your hybrid powers equals you being okay in the old noggin.” Reese looked off to the side as if he was contemplating this.
“Is that a question?”
“Uh…well…mmm, no.” He rubbed his thumb and his index finger along his chin. He shrugged at my stunned expression. “So, I was talking to Alex about how her mom is afraid of snakes. How Beetee plans to even talk about that part, let alone the fact that she is Daya’s long lost family member is lost on me…..”
I reared my head back at the sudden change in conversation. I blinked rapidly, shaking my head. His voice trailed off as he watched me.
“What, what’s wrong?”
I ruffled one of my hands through my hair. “You aren’t going to question more about this?”
He scrunched his face up to the side. “About what? Dimitri? Your time in Hell?”
I blew out a breath. “Any of those things.”
He narrowed his eyes, thinking. “Do you want to talk about it?”
It was such a casual question. He was giving me the option to be as open or quiet as I wanted. The way he said it didn’t give me the impression that he didn’t care, but that he cared enough to let me make my own decisions. Nick had gotten better about giving me space during my recovery while still hovering just the slightest bit. I knew the bruises and scarring made him angry to think about, but he hadn’t pressed to know more.
I didn’t think about it constantly and I knew Nick wasn’t the enemy, so every time I flinched away from him, I wanted to berate myself. I could handle the cut lip and the black eye. I could deal with the bruised cheek and even the raw, reddened skin of my throat. What was continuously racking my brain was the claw mark from Dimitri’s nails. Those left an impression, not only on my flesh but also on my mind.
He had dug them in so deep that I felt the muscles tighten thinking about how my skin broke, about how my blood drenched the area around me as it flooded out of the wound. I had been so close to giving in at the end and all these stupid scars, all of that fucking pain I’d endured would have been for…nothing?
I would have fought against him for…. what?
I could have laughed at myself. For what? Power . That was it.
Every touch from the angel I loved along those long claw marks made me wince and it made me feel small. I had pushed Dimitri away and I’d said no, but every single time I’d stood my ground, he showed me all the reasons why resisting was making a mistake.
He showed me the pain of others that I had grown to care about which made my stomach feel like it was in knots because I shouldn’t care that much. I shouldn’t care enough to let others be able to cause my pain. That made me weak …didn’t it?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
I saw a hand waving in my face and Reese’s face came into view, concern in his eyes. “Are you okay? Where did you go just now?”
“I…” I started, noticing that I was delicately touching the scarred wound on my arm. I pulled my fingers away and firmly placed them on the bed. “What were you saying?”
He let out a half-hearted laugh. “I asked if you wanted to talk about it?”
“Oh right.” I pressed my lips together, thinking it over. “I don’t know.”
Reese nodded thoughtfully, as if he was considering my words. “Hm…okay. Would you like to tell me what you do know?”
I tilted my head to the side, moving my eyes away from him and pressing my back to the wall again. “You really aren’t going to just unload a million and one questions at me, huh?”
Reese huffed. “Listen, maybe I should have done that shit with Nick. Asked him a bunch of questions and made him tell me what’s wrong, maybe I could have changed his outcome. That’s in the past now. You might be surprised to know that most of the time I do pay attention Dani and surprisingly , you aren’t Nick.” He gave me a look of faux shock. “It is highly unlikely that continuously asking you what’s wrong would get me very far, so all I can really do is either try to keep your mind off of what’s bothering you or allow you to tell me whatever you want to say, if it helps.”
Again, his words came out casual. They rolled off his tongue without an ounce of hesitation. If I didn’t think it would have freaked both of us out, I probably would have hugged him. I stuck my tongue into my cheek when I really looked at Reese. He’d gone to Hell with his best friend to come and find me. He wasn’t complaining to me about it, nor was he boasting about their accomplishment in retrieving me. He was just sitting here…wanting to make me laugh because well—that’s who Reese was .
I sighed, debating how I wanted to go about this. “I’m going to tell you something and it probably won’t make any fucking sense, but just let me say it and then we can go back to you making a joke about Daya’s distaste for reptiles.”
Reese lifted his lips in a tiny smile at my joke. “Alright, hit me with whatever you got, halfling.” He made himself more comfortable, giving me his full attention. His hazel eyes looked more patient than they ever had. There was a small part of me that thought he might take what I said and run to Nick about it. They were the best of friends and Reese had every right to choose Nick over anyone else.
The larger part of me knew that he wouldn’t. Unless I was in some type of imminent danger, this conversation would stay between us, almost like this weird friendship we had been slowly building was using this moment to define itself and continue to build on our previous foundation from our moment in Purgatory.
I fiddled with the bottom of Nick’s old shirt, the hem hitting right at mid thigh. “Have you ever felt like you were upset with someone for doing the right thing, but you know you shouldn’t because well, what they did wasn’t a bad thing, it wasn’t wrong, but somehow you still feel really fucking upset?”
Reese didn’t answer immediately, as if he was waiting to see if I had more to say.
“You can respond, you know.”
He blew out a breath. “Oh well I don’t know, the last time I interrupted a girl while she was spewing out her feelings I got yelled at, so I was just being polite.” He narrowed his eyes playfully, but then they returned back to their casually serious look. “I guess, maybe I’ve felt that way. That seems like a very specific to you situation.”
“Oh, you think?” I said, sarcastically.
He lightly shoved my shoulder. “Go on.”
“This person, in their head and their heart, had no other option but to do what they did. Which again was a good thing, it was a…. heroic thing.”
“But you don’t think it was heroic?” Reese questioned, his eyebrows veering upward.
I shook my head. “Oh, no, it was. That’s the thing.”
“The heroism is the problem?” He scratched his head.
I pressed my face into my hands, clearly not explaining this right. It never sounded perfect in my head, so why the hell would it sound fine out loud. I said my next words into my palms, muffling my voice. “No, no it’s not. Well, maybe it is. Fuck ! I don’t know.” I lifted my face out of my hands and moved my curls to one of my shoulders. “It sucks not being able to help yourself, having to hide your strength for the sake of others and then someone swoops in and does all the things you couldn’t.”
I lifted my eyes to the ceiling. “And it sucks because they are a good person, the best person. They did what was right and you wanted them to find you, but you are left feeling like you aren’t strong enough to stand on your own somehow, like you’ll always be waiting for someone to…” I swallowed, letting out a deep breath. “Waiting for someone to save you.”
Reese’s eyes were pointed down as if he was in deep thought. I knew I had said too much, too soon. I knew this was a stupid fucking idea. I cleared my throat, wrapping one of my curls with my finger. “Just forget I said anything at all, okay?”
Reese chuckled softly; his eyes kinder than I’d ever seen them. “Dani, can I speak hypothetically?”
I raised one of my eyebrows. “Sure…”
He spoke with his hands as he weaved his words together. “Let’s just say there is a guy who has been hardwired to be a leader, always making a plan and fighting for those around him. And yes, we all understand how fucking annoying that kind of guy can be because he overanalyzes nearly every situation.” He rolled his eyes before looking at me again. “Hypothetically speaking of course.”
I nodded, slightly intrigued.
“Now, let’s fast forward and this guy just happens to fall in love with a girl who can clearly take care of herself, but being the guy that he is, well….” He trailed off, scratching at his jaw. He raised his finger up to me before I could speak. “This girl probably didn’t want to feel like an afterthought to everyone, but she might feel like people will view her like she’ll always need someone— specifically —this guy to help her. Again, hypothetically speaking, if I was her, I might feel a little like I’m weak from being made out as if I’m begging for assistance.” He peeked over at me the minute he heard my breath hitch.
My shoulders slumped when he caught my eye and I didn’t know what to say to him. The blonde angel tilted his head to the side almost like he was waiting for me to respond, or maybe he was fine with us just sitting in silence.
“Which you aren’t by the way,” he added, “begging for assistance I mean.”
I let out a small smile. “I thought we were speaking hypothetically.”
He rubbed his entire hand over his face. “Oh right. Shit.”
I shoved his shoulder. “Thanks though.”
Reese leveled me with a hard look that had my shoulders tensing. “Hypotheticals aside, you aren’t weak. I’m not asking you to explain anything about well, anything, but you aren’t weak no matter what anyone has told you or what you’ve been made to feel.” His eyes wandered towards the wound at my thigh. “Someone swooping down and removing you from a bad situation doesn’t change that.”
I scooted off the bed with a laugh, somehow feeling lighter and I wasn’t sure why. My next steps were halted when he continued. “You know just because you’re strong and can handle your own shit, doesn’t mean you should. You’d be surprised by how much strength another person can give you. Especially when that person already knows how tough you are and they love you for it.”
I swiveled on my heels, placing my hands on my hips. “When did you get so profound, huh?”
He shook his head, scooting to the edge of the bed, so that his feet hit the ground. “Eh, I am highly underestimated.” He lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “ But , I might have heard variations of those things from Maurice growing up.”
“Sounds like good old Maurice.”
Reese pushed off the bed and nodded, rubbing his chin. “You still scare the hell out of me, if that’s any consolation.”
“It means a lot actually.” I bit at my bottom lip. “Dimitri, he just…he held a lot over my head and I just…” I held my hand at my stomach, feeling the nausea wanting to build. The overwhelming thoughts of what had happened occasionally had me feeling sick, but nothing I’d bothered anyone about. I’d taken soothing breaths whenever it came about and it subsided. I swallowed before speaking again. “I couldn’t do anything and I wanted to do more, I wanted to do it all.”
Reese ran his head through his hair. “It sounds like your decisions played a role in keeping others alive, which personally I think sounds like you did a whole hell of a lot.” He took a deep breath in and sighed. “Coming from someone who probably does too much all the time, likely at the wrong time, maybe you should look at it like doing nothing was the strongest move you could have made.” He wiggled his eyebrows and I pressed my lips together, letting his words settle but also wanting to laugh for some odd reason.
There were things I still needed to discuss with Nick, things I knew Reese couldn’t talk me down about. It was nice though, having someone who loved Nick just as much as I did, but who could also move that love aside to see my views—or at least try to.
The conversation was heavy, but it didn’t feel like it when he spoke to me.
Reese tucked his fingers into one of his jean pockets, plucking something out and holding it tight in his fist. “Before we jump into the Beetee-is-a-reptile-so-how-is-Daya-going-to-handle-that-without-passing-out talk, I want to say I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry?” I was stunned he was saying that to me, but also confused on where this was coming from.
“Yeah, I…” He looked down at the ground as if he was trying to get his words right. The way his body language morphed from something casual and languid to nervous and slightly uncomfortable was a little shocking.
I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting. My eyes kept glancing towards whatever he had bundled in his fist.
“Dimitri wouldn’t have had an opening to get you or Nick would have at least been there as a buffer if I didn’t ask him to go to my room for me.”
I blinked at him, my mind rummaging around in my memories to understand what he was talking about. Then it hit me. Nick had told me he had to go to Reese’s room to grab something for him and that he’d be back. Dimitri had come and whisked me away to one of the worst experiences of my existence.
I hadn’t ever added Reese into the equation. The only person I was deeply pissed at was Dimitri. I would have said I was equally enraged at Lilith, but she didn’t deserve any of my emotions. “Reese, it’s okay. It’s not like you knew.”
He nodded, solemnly. “Yeah, well, I may or may not have been beating myself up about it, but that’s besides the point.” He opened his hand and in the middle of his palm sat an arrowhead that looked old, but like it had been taken care of at least. “This is what he went to get.”
I leaned in a bit to inspect it. “An arrowhead?”
He used his other hand to pick it up and held it out to me. “It’s a long story that isn’t important at the moment, but the only actual important part is that it’s lucky for me or well, I don’t falter quite so much when I have it. Yes, I know it’s stupid because it's a random object but we all have our things, okay. Maybe, it isn’t so lucky because of what happened, but I’d like to believe that it still has all the luck in the realms.” He grabbed my hand, moving my wrist around so I could display my open palm to him.
I felt the arrowhead drop and I had no idea why but it felt like something so small weighed so much. “Wait, you want me to have it?”
He furrowed his brows, shaking his head. “Oh, fuck no. That is mine and mine alone, but I think maybe I could spread the luck a little.”
I stuck my tongue in my cheek to stop myself from smiling as I closed my palm around the lucky charm. “That’s surprisingly nice of you.”
“Pretty sure I said in Purgatory that we were going to start a friendship and you just so happen to make my best friend the happiest he’s ever been.” He tucked his hands into his pockets. “Also, before there is any confusion, you don’t need luck but having just a tiny bit, even if it’s in your own head, can make a shit ton of difference. I am actually really fucking good at what I do Dani, I know I’m that good, but sometimes you just need that extra push.”
“I think Axel is making you a softie.” I poked his stomach.
He waved me off. “I’m hard where it counts, ask any of my previous girlfriends.”
I wrinkled my nose up and started to joke back with him when a voice caught my attention from beyond the door. My ears perked up at the feminine voice that made my spine stiffen.
“What’s wrong?” Reese sounded like he was suddenly on high alert.
I shushed him, turning towards the door and placing the arrowhead gently on top of the dresser. I pulled the door open a crack so I could attempt to listen better, slightly hoping my ears were playing tricks on me.
Her voice filtered into the room, almost as if she was standing right in front of the open door.
“He has to learn his lesson, that’s why Ariel is working him so hard. It does kind of suck seeing him this upset, but I mean Nicholas Cassial is the type to deal with the consequences,” Morgan said, a nonchalant tone in her voice. “He does look really good doing all that hard labor though. The more he understands that she’s the culprit of all his bad luck, the faster he’ll be back in my bed and we’ll be back to being the perfect couple we were always meant to be.”
I heard her and another person giggle as if that statement was the funniest and most truthful thing to ever come out of someone’s mouth. My eyes narrowed and I felt my body start to shake with this kind of overwhelming anger. It was her attitude about everything that made my blood boil. It was her lack of respect.
I was very good at making people give me a little respect. It was time I made that clear.
“Uh, Dani…” I heard Reese say as I swung the door open, feeling the cool stones underneath my feet as I headed towards her voice. “Dani, where are you going?”
Morgan wasn’t that far down the hall, having stopped midway as she chatted with other angelic females. I heard hushed tones and whispers as I approached. One of the females pointed to me and Morgan turned around, her brown eyes widening when she finally took me in.
She quickly gave me a once over, but before she could say anything, I had my hand around her throat. Gasps surrounded me as I shoved her body against the wall. Before I’d grabbed her, I’d noticed the bruising around her neck, remembering Nick telling me that Elise had been less than gentle with her when they broke him out of the Ethereal Bastille.
She clawed at my hand, letting out little grunts of frustration. I held on tighter pushing the others back with the shadows I conjured.
“Let me go!” She shouted, her words coming out a little strangled.
“Ah and why is that? Why shouldn’t I just snap your little neck? It would release you from these delusions that you and Nick are meant to be. It’s sad really, when you just can’t get the hint that you aren’t wanted.”
Her eyes burned into mine and then I saw sparks come from my palm and light flash within my shadows. I felt her swallow under my palm. “You should have stayed down there, exactly where you belong. He would have gotten over you.”
I narrowed my eyes leaning towards her and my shadows followed. I held my light back, not wanting to burn her skin, mark her body… yet . I let out a dark laugh that caused goosebumps to rise along her skin. “There is no getting over me. He went to Purgatory for me . He went to Hell for me and somehow you think you have a fucking chance of being better than me .” I put my lips at her ear, feeling her try to kick at me but my shadows locked her in place. My whispered words caressed her ear. “You kept him from me by helping put him in the Ethereal Bastille and don’t try to deny it because it’s what pathetic little bitches like you do. I will tell you this once and only once, you keep your worthless little claws out of my relationship and what’s mine .”
I pulled back, bringing her face close to mine. “If you don’t, well… I’ll slice your pretty skin off and then if you survive that, I’ll burn you alive. I’ll let my shadows drag you to Hell and see how much you fucking like it.” I pressed my fingers into her neck, smelling her flesh starting to burn slightly from my light, as I whirled around and threw her against the opposite wall. My shadows dispersed, bringing everything I’d blocked out back into my view.
Other angels gave me a wide berth but they looked on with shocked expressions, but no one made a move to help her or run away. I smelled sweat and fear among her friends, but all I felt when I looked at the guardian angel hunched over, cowering in much needed submission was success.
I saw Reese from beyond Morgan’s group of friends, his hazel eyes perplexed at the scene I’d just displayed. It only took me one step before the angels that were in my way dispersed, giving me a path to walk through.
Reese whipped his head back and forth, from me to the now, very chatty angelic individuals. “Dani, as Nick’s best and loyal friend, what the fuck? He wanted you to keep a low profile, not scare the everliving fuck out of his ex-girlfriend.” I stopped walking when we got to Nick’s door, facing him. His expression melted into a less frantic Reese and mischief played at the corners of his eyes. “ But, as your friend, that was the best fucking thing I have ever seen in all of my existence.”
I chuckled, rolling my eyes.
When it came to my dignity, my power and Nick, anything or anyone that tried to undermine those things didn’t make me a little unhappy.
No. It made me lethal.