Chapter Nine #2
She took hold of his hand and smiled up at him. “All I want now—all I really want—is to see you happy. I always thought the only way we could be happy was together. Now I’m not so sure. If you can be happy with this Angel, then you should be, and I’ll be happy for you.”
Ben squeezed her hand. “Charlie, you know damned well that all I’ve ever wanted is for us to get back together. Now you’re here, everything I’ve dreamed about for all this time is within my reach. Within our reach. I don’t want Angel. I want you!”
She looked up at him sadly. “I’m not trying to be difficult, Ben. Really, I’m not. I’m trying to be realistic. You see, I say I want you. You say you want me. But if we’re honest—really honest with ourselves and each other—we don’t know if that’s true.”
“I do know, Charlie—”
She put a finger to his lips and stopped him.
“I know how you feel, I know what you mean. A part of me feels the same way you do. We finally get what we’ve always wanted, we’d be crazy to question it.
Except, if we’re brave, if we’re sensible, we have to admit that we’d be crazy not to question it. ”
Ben stared down into her eyes. “And since when have you been the sensible one?” He gave her a little smile, hoping that she’d smile back. In all his fantasies about this day, the day they got back together, it was the happiest day of his life. It’d certainly never played out like this.
She smiled back. “Since I figured out that love isn’t selfish.”
Ben leaned down and brushed his lips over hers. She’d never looked more beautiful than she did in that moment.
“You know,” she said, “I thought I’d come a long way.
I was so proud of myself that I decided I should rent my own place so that we could get to know each other again properly.
I thought I was being sensible about all the possible obstacles we might run across.
I had no clue that the obstacles might be so fundamental.
” The tears began to roll down her cheeks again.
“That maybe our time has gone. Maybe we’re not meant to be together now.
And I sure as hell had no clue that I’ve grown up to the extent that seeing you happy is more important to me than seeing you with me. ”
Ben couldn’t believe what he was hearing. She thought they weren’t meant to be together? He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her to his chest. “Charlie. You and me, we’re forever, forever and always weren’t just words.”
She squeezed him tight. “I know, Ben. I’ll always love you, I’ll always want to be with you, but I won’t be with you if I’m not what’s best for you. If I’m not who’s best for you.”
Ben took a deep breath. “There’s nothing going on between me and Angel, you know.”
“But maybe there should be? Maybe you should give it a try. I hate the idea, you know I do. But, Ben, I married Alastair. I tried it out. Maybe you need to do the same.” She sniffed. “And maybe you’ll discover that she’s right for you.”
~ ~ ~
He looked so sad. Charlotte had to swallow back more tears. This felt so wrong, but she knew it was the right thing to do.
“She’s not the right one. You are, Charlie. You’re the right one, the only one.”
“I want to be, Ben. You know I do. But you need to be sure. I need to be sure. We’ve waited this long, and I know I’m the impetuous one, the impatient one, but I’d much rather wait.
I’d rather wait until you know for sure, than have us find out that although this is what we want it’s not what you need.
So, I think we should take our time, take this slowly.
” She couldn’t believe she was saying it, but as the words came out, Charlotte knew this was the right thing to do.
“I’m here now, I’m here to stay. I need to build a life for myself, I need to find a job, a way to support myself.
I can get on with doing everything I need to do, while you figure out what’s right for you. ”
“I don’t even know why we’re talking about this, Charlie. I know what’s right for me, it’s you.”
Charlotte shook her head. “That’s the whole point though, isn’t it? You don’t know. You think, you want, but you need to be sure. Hell, I need to be sure. I need to be sure I’m the right one for you before I risk messing up your life again.”
“What exactly are you saying?”
“I guess I’m saying that I’m here now, but perhaps you should carry on with your life as if I weren’t.”
“But that’s impossible! Don’t you think it’s been hard enough all these years? I’ve carried on my life without you only because you weren’t here. Now you are.”
“Yes, but Ben, for all those years Angel wasn’t here either. Now she is.”
Ben shook his head. “How can I get it through to you, Charlie? I don’t want her. I want you. I have always wanted you. I always will. Yes, I admit that she has become a part of my life, but that’s because we work together.”
Charlotte raised her eyebrows at him. “Anyone who works with you becomes a part of your life, Ben. But most of the people you work with you aren’t attracted to.
I know you are attracted to her, and let’s be honest, you need to explore that before either of us are going to be comfortable to move past it. ”
Ben stared at her. “You’re not seriously saying you expect me to date her or something, are you?”
Charlotte shrugged. “I think you have to, don’t you?”
Ben shook his head again, more adamantly this time. “No, I don’t. I don’t want to. I’m not going to. I wouldn’t have if you hadn’t come back, and I’m sure as hell not going to now that you’re here. Please, would you just forget all about her?”
“Can you?” Charlotte was starting to wonder if she was making too much of a big deal out of it.
Ben nodded. “Of course I can! Charlie, please! You said we need to be completely honest with each other and I want to be. I’ll tell you the exact same thing I told her.”
Charlotte sucked in a deep breath. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
“I told her that if I wasn’t still in love with you then I probably would be interested in and exploring something with her, not just something casual.
But—and this is a big but—I am still in love with you.
I’ve waited fifteen years for this, and nothing, certainly not another woman, is going to get in my way now. ”
Charlotte looked up into his eyes. There was a determination in them that she remembered.
It was one of the things she loved so much about him.
He could never be described as an in-your-face kind of guy, but when he made up his mind about something, when he wanted something, there was no stopping him. She smiled. “So, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying that you’re back, you’re mine, and nothing and no one is going to get in the way of that.
You may as well get used to the idea.” His lips quirked up in the hint of a smile.
“I think you’re right that we shouldn’t expect to jump straight back in where we left off, that we should take things slowly and take our time to get to know each other again, but you are so, so wrong if you think anyone is going to get in the way of us being together.
” He reached up and brushed a strand of hair off her cheek.
“Unless that someone is you. If you have your doubts and are trying to use Angel as a way out, just say so, please?”
“Oh my God, Ben, no! That’s not it at all! Being with you is what I want most in the world, for me. But what I want most in the world for you, is for you to be happy.”
He slid his arm around her waist and drew her closer to him. “Good because you’re the one who makes me happy. So, please, can we forget all this talk about Angel?”
Charlotte nodded. “We can for now, but I need you to know that if—” She didn’t get to finish the sentence; as his lips came down on hers, she couldn’t even remember the thought.