Chapter Thirteen #2
He came to sit beside her and put his arm around her shoulders. “That wasn’t something you did. It was something that happened and it happened to both of us. It hurt you as much as it hurt me.”
Charlotte swallowed, trying to hold back the tears that wanted to fall. “Yes, but Ben, the fact that I suggested …” Even now she couldn’t bring herself to say the words, she hated remembering that, even if only for a moment, she’d considered that they might get rid of their baby.
“No. All you did was consider all the options available to us at the time. I need to tell you how sorry I am that I reacted the way I did when you mentioned it. You were just thinking out loud and we should have been able to discuss together whether that was something that we wanted. Instead, I was shocked and hurt and I let you see that when I shouldn’t have. ”
“You had every right to be shocked and hurt. I could never have done it. You’re right, I really was just thinking out loud.
But I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did either.
When we talked on the phone and you thought that was what I’d done …
When I told you the baby was gone and you thought …
” She closed her eyes, but that didn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks.
He hugged her to his chest and rested his chin on top of her head.
“Charlie, I’m so sorry.” She could hear the tears in his voice and looked up into his eyes.
He shook his head sadly. “I was so worried. Before you left for Mexico, that was the last thing we talked about. I told you we both needed to take our time to think about it. Then when we talked on the phone and you told me the baby was gone, I was so shocked, I thought that was what you meant.”
She rested her head against his shoulder.
“And I can understand that now, but at the time I was such a mess. I was so sad. I was in shock myself. I couldn’t believe it had happened and worst of all, I felt so guilty.
I felt like I’d somehow made it happen. I felt so bad that I’d even suggested getting rid of our child.
After we said goodnight, that night before I left, I decided then that we were going to have the baby.
I changed everything around in my mind, and I knew we could turn it into our biggest, greatest adventure—and that we were going to be great parents .
..” She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer.
Her body was wracked with sobs. Ben held her and cried with her for a long time.
Eventually she lifted her head and dried her face.
She shook her head sadly. “I’ve always felt that when I finally figured it out, finally got it right in my mind, that’s when it all went wrong anyway.
The worst thing about it all was that I closed you out.
I needed time, yes, but I shouldn’t have closed you out.
I was such a mess, and knowing that you thought that I’d done that, that I was capable of … ” She couldn’t make herself say it.
“I’m so sorry, Charlie. I didn’t think it. I just reacted, I jumped to that conclusion in a moment. It was a reaction based on pain of my own. I shouldn’t have—”
She reached up and put a finger to his lips. “You shouldn’t have, I shouldn’t have, but we did. What matters is that now we get to talk about it. We get to say we’re sorry and hopefully, somehow, we get to move past it.”
“I’ll never forget, you know.”
Charlotte’s heart sank. Was he saying he’d never forgive her?
He shook his head seeming to read her thoughts. “I mean I’ll never forget our child.” He rubbed his hands over his face, unable to continue.
She closed her arms around him and hugged him to her chest. She hated to see him cry, hated that she was the one who’d made him cry, that she caused him so much pain. Her only consolation was that finally, after all these years, they got to share their tears and their pain.
He brought his hands down and looked up at her. His gorgeous eyes were ringed with red. “For some reason, I’ve always thought she was a girl.”
Charlotte nodded, unable to speak for a moment. “Me too.”
“It was so hard, you know, when I found out about Miss. At first, she acted like it was the worst thing in the world that could have happened to her. The couple of times I spoke to her on the phone, I wanted to scream at her.” He sucked in a deep breath and nodded to himself.
“I’ll be forever grateful to Pete. He was the one that talked her around, you know? ”
“Yeah, I did know. In fact, that’s a big part of the reason why, despite our differences, I always say I love him really.”
“Who would have dreamed back then that we’d all end up where we are now?”
“Certainly not me. Although …” She smiled at him. “I did always dream that we’d be here together and you’d be running the resort. And, here we are.”
“We sure are. It’s taken us a hell of a lot longer than we thought it would, but all we can do is make the most of what we have now.”
She nodded. “I’d like that. How do you think we should go about it?”
He looked unsure of himself. “I do have one idea.”
“What’s that?”
“Would you stay with me tonight?”
She looked deep into his eyes. When he’d brought her over here, she’d been hoping she might end up staying the night, but talking about the past, about their loss had put her in a different mood.
He smiled. “I know we’re going to take it slowly.
And I don’t mean … You know. I just mean, I want you to be with me.
Now we finally got to talk about … everything.
And I know it probably sounds stupid, but I just can’t face saying goodnight and watching you leave.
All our problems started when we said goodnight and I drove away from your grandparents’ house.
Tonight, I’d love it if we can say goodnight and it not mean good-bye. ”
Tears were rolling down her cheeks again, but these weren’t tears of pain, they were tears of hope.
He looked so worried. She reached up to touch his cheek. “I just want to lie next to you, Charlie. To hold you. That’s all.”
“I want that, too, Ben. I’d like that more than anything in the world.”
He stood up and held out his hand to her. She let him lead her through to the bedroom. It felt so right, and yet so wrong. He was her oldest friend, her first love, and yet in some ways he was a stranger. She stopped and looked up into his eyes.
“We don’t have to, if you don’t want to.”
“I do want to.” She did, it was true, but all she wanted to do was lie with him and hold him.
He seemed to understand. He lay down on the bed fully clothed, and reached his arm out to her.
She smiled. He’d always understood her. She hadn’t wanted him to undress her, there was nothing sexual about this.
And she hadn’t wanted to undress herself in front of him.
They weren’t an old married couple, but they should have been by now.
She climbed onto the bed and snuggled into his side resting her head on his shoulder. “I love you.”
He dropped a kiss on her forehead. “And I love you, Charlie. Thank you. This is what I need tonight.”
“It’s what we need, Ben.”