Chapter 36
Ryleigh
My apartment is warm and musty after being empty for more than two months. The fridge is basically empty, there’s a pile of bills on the counter, and everything needs a good dusting, but I don’t get out of bed for two days. I subsist on water and the handful of granola bars left in my backpack.
After the first two days, I shower, place an order to have groceries delivered, and pay all my bills for the month. Then I spend most of what’s left in my checking account on takeout and wine.
Finally, when a good chunk of the money in my account is gone and I snap out of the initial shock, I drag myself back into the shower. I find something decent to wear that’s clean, put gas in my car, and drive to see a friend from college. Her father owns a handful of local chain restaurants, and after telling her about the clusterfuck of my life, she gets him to hire me as the assistant manager to one.
I worked for them before, as a waitress in college, so they know me.
I’m done with both journalism and rock and roll.
My friend Josie begs me not to be too rash in making decisions when I’m in such a vulnerable emotional state, but I don’t have it in me to drag this out. Or to fight.
I have nothing left to fight for.
An offer letter arrived from Rock Harder Magazine via email a few days ago, and I penned a short, succinct missive explaining that the values of the publication don’t align with mine and respectfully decline. Then I made a short, vague video on Rockin’ with Ryleigh, telling my followers that after careful consideration, I’ve decided not to continue the channel. I thanked everyone who supported me and promised to update everyone if and when I had anything to say.
I deleted all my social media accounts and then allowed myself to fall back into anonymity.
I don’t know what happened with the Hollingsworth family or what kind of backlash there was—I can’t bring myself to care.
I feel so empty inside it’s almost like not being alive.
It’s hard to explain this numbness or wrap my head around the idea that I will never see Angus again. Or Kirsten. Or Lexi.
Poor Lexi.
She did her best to help me the day the story broke, to be there for me, to shield me from the chaos. But after I talked to Angus and realized he didn’t believe me—didn’t believe in me—that was when I knew that there was nothing to fight for. I’d left the hotel and the tour without looking back.
I bought myself a first-class ticket home to Minneapolis and then expensed it to Rock Harder . To my surprise, the money hit my account two days later, but that was the only contact I had with them other than the offer letter. Rich tried calling me a few times after I declined, but I didn’t answer and eventually blocked him.
Now I work long hours at a restaurant and bar that stays busy.
The food is good, families come in to eat during the day and at the dinner rush, and then the bar gets busy after eight. As the assistant manager, I get the shitty shifts, closing on Friday and Saturday nights and then handling the brunch rush on Sundays, but that’s okay. I’m usually off on Mondays and Tuesdays, and I use that time to do laundry, go to yoga, and volunteer at a local nursing home.
Most days, no one recognizes me, and no one talks about Angus Jeffries or August Hollingsworth.
Taryn keeps in touch but it’s hard to talk to her because she’s still with Callum, and I know he had something to do with what happened. I can’t prove it, and I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to figure it out, but it still hurts.
Kirsten reached out once but after apologizing and explaining that someone altered my story after I turned it in, I told her it was better if we didn’t talk since it was obviously a huge conflict of interest. She was gracious and kind, which made me cry, but at the end of the day they’re all better off without me—and I’m definitely better off without any of them.
Well, I’m safer without them.
My life is peaceful and calm without them.
No one is lying to me or trying to manipulate or guilt me into doing things I don’t want to do.
I make enough money to pay the bills.
And I finally have health insurance.
The restaurant where I work, Sapphire Toad’s Bar & Grill, keeps me too busy to worry about the past when I’m there. The waitstaff and bartenders are fun, my fellow managers are a good group, and the customers are mostly regulars. On nights when we finish early, sometimes I join the staff for a few drinks or to watch whatever sports game is on TV. Once in a while, some of us go drinking or dancing at other bars, but mostly, I keep to myself.
It’s just easier.
Josie came in tonight with her boyfriend Jake, and she comes into my office in the back, where I’m working on the following week’s schedule.
“Hey.” She stands in the doorway watching me.
“Hi.” I look up. “What’s up?”
“Why are you hiding back here?”
“I’m not. It’s slow for a Thursday, and I’m trying to do the schedule. I have twenty requests for shift changes.”
“It’s been two months, Ry. When are you going to stop pretending nothing happened and deal with it?”
“Something happened,” I say with a shrug, “but I’ve already dealt with it. I took a week to mourn my relationship with Angus, and decided I don’t want to be involved in the chaos of the music business. I got a new job, thanks to you, and now I’m living a new life.”
“You’re not living. You’re existing. You know damn well you don’t want to work here for the rest of your life.”
“What does that mean?” I look up in alarm. “Am I getting fired?”
“No, of course not. Dad says you’re the best assistant manager he’s ever had. The nightly deposits are never short, there are rarely issues with staffing and scheduling now that you’re in charge, and profits are up a bit. He’s extremely pleased with your work. I’m the one that’s unhappy.”
“I’m fine. I’m not ready to start dating if that’s what you’re talking about.”
“No, silly. I’m talking about your soul. Your creativity. The parts of you that make you… you.”
I snort. “The parts of me that made me her are problematic. That’s why I left the industry.”
“Fine. Don’t work in music, but you have to write…it’s part of you.”
I shrug. “It was. It’s not anymore.”
She sighs. “One day you’re going to wake up with regrets.”
“I wake up with regrets now,” I counter. “Every single day I wake up alone and realize my dreams cost me everything—my career, my reputation, and the love of the best guy I’ve ever met.”
She cocks her head. “If he’s truly the best man you’ve ever met, he should be worth fighting for.”
For the first time in weeks, my eyes fill with tears. “You should have heard his voice when he said he couldn’t trust me… when he asked me what I’d done—as if it were a foregone conclusion that it was my fault.” I swallow and swat at my eyes. “I’ll never get over the fact that he never even asked—did you do it? Why did you do it? The first thing he said was, ‘what did you do?’” I look up at her. “I’ll never get over that.”
“Oh, honey.” She reaches out to give me a hug, squeezing me tightly. “I’m so sorry he did that, but he had to be hurting too. I mean, maybe now that he’s had time to cool off and think about everything…”
I shake my head and reach for a tissue. “It’s done, Josie. He said he couldn’t be with someone he couldn’t trust, but the thing is, that goes for me too. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. Someone who doesn’t have my back when someone else screws me over. I got screwed just as hard as he did, but did he ask me if I was okay? Did he think about what was going to happen to me if I lost my career? Did he even give me a chance to find out what was going on?”
She squeezes my shoulder. “I know, sweetie. I understand. Truly. But you gave up. Why didn’t you fight for your reputation? Even if you weren’t willing to fight for him, what about fighting for yourself?”
She has a point, but it’s too late.
I made my bed and now I’m lying in it.
For better or worse, I found a different path.
One that keeps me far away from the man who shattered my soul.