Chapter 35
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
ALENA
When there’s too much pain, the body protects us. It goes numb, like the pins and needles trying to block my brain from feeling this.
Or no.
It’s my heart.
It needs protection as more of its pieces shatter the moment Loch walks into the bedroom. His aqua eyes, red from tears.
My dad leaves, closing the door behind him, and we’re left standing in a pile of slicing lies that cut so much, I fight not to feel them.
“The Slurpee.” It’s all I can muster. The only thing I can let in. “It wasn’t Fate. It wasn’t my mom sending you to me. It was a lie.”
“No, Alena.” Loch falls before me, on his knees, grabbing my hips. “No, Babygirl, our love isn’t a lie.”
“I was a job, a mission, an obligation to your Bratva brothers or whatever.” I can’t even look at him. I reason with the window instead. “It was never for me, good enough to love me, beautiful enough to want me. I was an oath you took, nothing more, and—”
“No.” He clutches, his grip bruising, begging. “Even when they told me not to, they couldn’t stop me from loving you.”
I stare down at him, disbelieving. “No, it’s all a lie, and I can almost understand it. All the risks and bullshit my dad said you’re into. I can understand some lies. But love…” I brush his hands off me. “Love should’ve told me.”
Loch shakes his head. “I wanted to. From the beginning, I told them to tell you the truth about who we are, who you are. I hated lying to you, but they said it was for your protection.”
“Protection?” My eyes widen. “This isn’t protection, Loch, it’s pain.”
He climbs to his feet, towering over me.
“No, it’s both, because I don’t remember, Alena.
I was the baby. I don’t know how bad my father can be.
I’ve had to trust what my brothers tell me.
That he’s capable of horrific things, and that includes going after innocent children, like you.
That I believe. I’ve seen the scars he put on my brothers and my mother, and all I ever wanted to do was to protect you from it. ”
“But it hurts.” I blink, blinded by tears.
“You didn’t protect me; you hurt me. More than anyone else because we could’ve hidden in the truth.
Together. When it was just me and you, lying in bed, you had a choice—love me or lie to me.
And what hurts so bad is you looked into my eyes every night and chose to lie. ”
“Goddammit, Alena, it wasn’t a lie!” He gestures between us, yelling, “Me and you; this is love. Because I don’t know what the fuck is a choice or a command in my soul.
Telling me to love you. To hold you. To protect you and die for you.
But it’s real, and it’s all I’ve known. Not for my brothers.
Not for my mother, your father, or some fucker threatening to hurt you.
No one told me to love you, Alena, because they can’t fucking stop me. I’ll always love you!”
I want to believe him.
I want to look back on every memory and trust Loch. His every word, touch, and kiss.
But I can’t. Not now. Loss. Love. Lies. Pain. They litter the landscape, and I don’t know who I am under the rubble.
“I need time,” I mumble. “I need everyone to leave me alone. To stop telling me who I am and what I need and let me figure it out. On my own.”
He reaches for my hand, “Alena, I—”
“Leave.” But I pull it away, gently tugging at his ring. “Please leave and take this with you.”
“No.” He pulls back, refusing. “My ring is yours. My life. My heart. You can’t give them back; they belong to you.”
I lift my chin. It’s so wet with tears, they itch my skin, seeping into the cracks of my being. Like glue, they strengthen something inside me. Something that’s been broken for too long.
“No,” I vow, “you don’t belong with anyone until you belong to yourself. And I don’t know who that woman is, but I’ll find her. Alone.”
What gives me hope? Is that I watch it dawn across Loch’s aqua eyes. All his love and the tender moments we’ve shared. Telling him…
If you want someone to come back to you.
Let them go.