Chapter 23
Twenty-Three
Cami
My head is all over the place.
What the hell am I doing?
Slipping away from Leif, from Honey Harbor, before the sun rose was a gut instinct. A knee-jerk reaction. A whirlwind.
And I’m supposed to be past those.
Leif is stability. He’s safe. He’s…home.
But I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve him. I’m elated one moment, doubting myself the next, and uncertain where I fit. I’m a fucking train wreck. How can I allow a man like that—a man as good and whole and loving as Leif Bang—to commit to me again, in front of our family and friends, when I’ve doubted him, doubted us, from the very beginning?
He doesn’t fail. He doesn’t quit.
I do.
The way he smiled at me during the wedding, the praise that fell from his delectable mouth, the consideration he showed, making sure I finished before he found his release, he’s a good man.
And I’m a mess. I don’t know if I’ve ever not been a mess.
I’m the girl who lives life on the edge. The woman who walks in a rainstorm and gets a tattoo because it feels right in the moment. I’m the woman a guy marries by mistake in Vegas. I’m not the one he commits his life to afterwards.
The sooner Leif realizes that, the better.
“Thank you,” I tell the Uber driver as he pulls in front of Leif’s home. I caught an early flight back to Knoxville. I have a handful of hours to pack up some clothes and figure out my next play.
I’ve spent the entire flight debating where to go.
Maria would take me in in a heartbeat, but she has a routine, a baby, and I don’t want to throw a wrench in her carefully planned schedule.
Tarek and Sam would both loan me their couches but my tears, my scattered thoughts, would cause them to worry.
Harper Henderson, Damien’s fiancée, is another option but I don’t want to alert Leif’s teammates to my spiral and shame. What he chooses to share with his team, with his friends, is his business. I shouldn’t take that choice away from him by appearing on any of their doorsteps and ugly crying.
That takes Maisy, Lola, and Bea out of the running as well.
I scurry into the house, pack a suitcase with necessities and some clothes, and grab another Uber.
Then, I call my brother.
“Cam?” He answers on the first ring, the way he always does when I call. Except I haven’t called recently because I didn’t want to face his ire, his hurt, that I would marry a stranger in Vegas and not tell him.
Although Jenna has mediated between us, and Mom’s approval of Leif has gotten Dad and Rhett on board, right now, I need my brother’s council. Jenna provides emotional support. Rhett springs into action.
“Rhett,” I say, tears forming a lump in my throat.
“What the fuck did he do?” my brother demands, reading my voice correctly. I’m hurt. But it’s a pain of my own making.
“I messed up,” I admit.
“What happened?” He gentles his tone. “Did he hurt you?”
“No, it’s worse. I hurt him.”
Rhett is silent for a long beat. Then, “What do you need, Cami?”
“I don’t know where to go. I don’t know what to do,” I say, before spilling the entire story of our time in Honey Harbor. About his friends’ reservations, the smoke show he dated, the solid group Leif keeps company with. “They’re the real deal, Rhett. Leif is the real deal.”
“So are you, Cam,” Rhett reminds me.
I snort. Drag my forearm across my face. “You have to say that; you’re my brother. But I can’t let him tie himself down to me. He’s trying to make this work and it’s a lost cause. I’m a lost cause.”
“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Rhett growls.
“Levi messaged me.”
“Fuck,” my brother growls.
“And I didn’t tell Leif. I didn’t tell him even though Levi’s reached out twice. To make amends.”
“Fuck him and his amends.”
I stifle a chuckle. My brother can’t stand Levi Rousell.
“Where are you, Cam?” Rhett asks.
“Driving around in an Uber wondering where to go,” I admit.
My brother snorts. “Sit tight. I’ll call you back in five.” He disconnects the phone.
The Uber driver meets my eyes in the rearview mirror and gives me a soft smile. “If you love him, he’ll understand,” he offers.
“I don’t deserve him,” I try to explain.
He shakes his head, his eyes crinkling at the corners. “Love doesn’t pick and choose. Love just loves.”
My phone rings again, and I answer. “Rhett.”
“There’s a room reservation for you at a hotel downtown. I’m texting you the details. You have three days, Cam. Three days to figure this out. If you haven’t made a plan by then, I’m coming to Knoxville.”
“Rhett, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. Be honest. What do you want, Cam? You can’t keep shrinking yourself, or your life, because you’re trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, or you’re scared, or you don’t feel worthy enough. That’s a cop-out and you used your pass three years ago. Now, it’s time to woman up. If you want to make your marriage work, do it. And if you don’t, give Leif a divorce and let him move on. But only because you don’t want to be with him, and you don’t want to put in the effort to try. Not because you’re making excuses.”
I sniffle as my brother drops some hard truths on my head. “I never thought you’d defend Leif.”
“Me neither,” Rhett admits. “But he sounds like a good guy.”
“The best.”
“Figure out your shit, Cam.”
“Thank you, Rhett.”
“I love you, Cami. I bet Leif does too. Maybe you should try being open to that. Text me when you get to the hotel.”
“I will,” I promise.
Rhett and I hang up and I tell the driver where to go.
Thirty minutes later, I’m settled into a simple, clean hotel room in Knoxville. It’s lonely and centering at the same time.
I miss Leif. I miss Honey Harbor.
But can I truly make him happy? Can we make our future bright and beautiful?
I don’t want to “make it work.” I want it to soar .
You can’t keep shrinking yourself, or your life, because you’re trying to live up to someone else’s expectations, or you’re scared, or you don’t feel worthy enough . That’s a cop-out…
With Rhett’s words ringing in my head, I take a shower. I dress in fresh clothes. I sling my purse across my body and decide to take a walk. Get some sunshine. I head to the Coffee Grid for a fresh latte.
I just sat down at a table in the back when a guy slips into the chair across from mine. I look up, about to tell him the table is already taken. I suck in a sharp breath instead.
“I’m not stalking you,” Levi Rousell promises. His hair is a mess, and his eyes are clearer than I’ve ever seen them. “You being here at the same time as me is kismet. Fate.” He snorts. “If you believe in those types of things.”
His words land like a kick to the breastplate.
I do. I believe in destiny.
I believe in chance encounters because it gifted me Leif.
But right now, I can take this moment and say my piece. Get the closure that has alluded me for years.
I sit up straighter and level Levi with a look. “I got your emails.”
“You didn’t answer.”
“I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say,” I admit.
He snorts. It’s that same cavalier response I remember from Spain. When he didn’t have any worries—not a care in the world. When the future was tinged in possibility that stretched larger than what I could comprehend. Levi had the world at his fingertips, and he tossed a lot of it away. Not all of it, but a lot. “Do you need more time?” he jokes. “I can take a walk around the block and circle back.”
“Nah.” I shake my head. “I know what I want to say.” Then, I frown. “Why are you even here? The music festival is over.”
“My sponsor is from here. He opened a rehab facility with the support of the Harrison Foundation. I connected with a few people and check in a few times a year.”
“Oh, well, that’s respectable of you.”
Levi’s grin widens. “I’m sorry I didn’t recognize you at first. But now that I have, I can’t believe I could have ever forgotten you, Cami Coleman.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Except you did. You dropped me so quickly and it fucked with my head in ways you’ll never understand.” I take a cleansing breath. “I never had sex before you, Levi.”
His eyes widen and shock coats his expression.
“I never tried drugs before you either,” I continue.
He winces, looking ashamed.
“I never took naked photos or tried so fucking hard to get someone, a man, to want me. To like me. To see me. And the worst part is, it wasn’t because you were a rock god.” I chuckle. “I mean, sure that was appealing at first. But the more time we spent together, the more I got glimpses of you as a person. Your outlook. Your music. Your passion. I liked that you had these deep friendships with your bandmates. I loved watching you perform and seeing the crowd accept you. I thought it was brave. I mean, how vulnerable to put yourself out there in the ways you did. And I thought you saw me too. But you didn’t; not once. And when you nearly overdosed and I got dragged out of a hotel room, half incoherent and practically naked, I hit a type of rock bottom I didn’t know existed. I lost the ability to trust my instincts. Fuck, I lost the ability to trust men in a way that counts. In a way that’s not surface level. And instead of being fucking smart, I got scared. I made my world smaller. I let my mom take over managing parts of it. The weeks I spent with you, and the heartache that followed, made me lonely yet desperate to connect. And that’s not all on you—I know that. It’s on me. But I couldn’t reconcile my complicated feelings for you and what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. And then, I met a man in Vegas and asked him to marry me.” I smile at the thought of Leif. “And he is lightyears out of my reach. I don’t deserve him and I’m fucking terrified I’ll break him. Let him down. Hurt him. But he sees me, Levi. He sees me and loves me anyway and I don’t know what the fuck to do with that.” I toss a hand in his direction. “I don’t know why I’m telling you this.”
“Because you have no one else to tell,” he murmurs.
I narrow my eyes at him.
He shifts in his chair, studying me. “And you know I won’t judge you. You can’t name a mistake I haven’t already made. It’s the guy who hit me, right? That’s your man?”
I nod, rolling my lips together.
“I deserved the punch,” Levi remarks. “What I said to you—it came out wrong. But I deserved the hit anyway.”
I nod. He really did.
“And you deserve a man like that, Cami Coleman. You are deserving of a big love and a partner who really, truly sees you. I am, too. Just because we fuck up doesn’t mean we can’t get better. It doesn’t rule us out of ever having happiness or trust or commitment. I had no fucking clue that I was your first and I’ll carry that with me. I’m sorry. Genuinely fucking sorry that I played any role in you feeling like you can’t trust the woman you are.” He looks at me, his eyes tracking over the planes of my face. His sincerity oozes from his pores and I know he means it. He really wants to make amends.
His words knock a weight off my shoulders. I didn’t think hearing them would matter as much as they do. “Thank you,” I say.
Levi nods. Drags a hand through his hair, making it stand up in random directions. “But you do trust yourself, Cami.”
I lift an eyebrow.
He smirks. “On some level, you do. Or you wouldn’t have chosen your husband as your random proposal. There’s a reason you picked him. And there’s a reason you haven’t thrown in the towel yet. Hell, you’re still married to the guy.”
Tears prick my eyes as I think of Leif waking up alone, abandoned, in Honey Harbor after the night we shared. I blink them back.
“What if I’m not good enough for him?” I whisper.
“If you weren’t, that question would never enter your mind,” Levi replies.
Surprise rocks into me at his observation.
“If you weren’t the right woman for him, you wouldn’t care about hurting him. You wouldn’t overthink being enough. You’d just take. That’s not you, Cami. And anyone who really, truly sees you, sees that.” Levi takes a sip of his coffee and raises his eyebrows, as if daring me to challenge his point.
I don’t. Because what he said resonates.
I do care about Leif. Fuck, I love him.
And the only way to be worthy enough is to be worthy enough.
Not leave him behind in Honey Harbor and hide out in Knoxville.
It’s to show him. It’s to commit. It’s to fully step into the role of being his partner, his teammate, his wife.
“Anything else you want to say?” Levi asks.
“I liked your last album,” I admit.
Levi laughs. It’s uninhibited and honest. It makes me smile.
He taps the tabletop with his palm. “The next time you and your husband roll through Boston, let me know. We’ll connect.”
“Okay,” I say.
Levi stands from the table and holds out his arms. I stand and give him a hug. And it’s the closure I needed. It’s full circle. Who would have thought Levi Rousell would have helped me find mental clarity? After all this time.
“Thanks, Levi.”
“Thank you, Cami. I’m glad I had the opportunity to make things right between us.”
“You headed home?” I ask.
“Heading to the airport now. This was just a detour.” He lifts his to-go coffee cup.
I snort. “Kismet.”
He nods. “Take care of yourself.”
“You too.” I sit back down and watch as he walks out of the Coffee Grid.
I sit for a long time and take even, deep breaths. I put my past to bed and feel like I can finally look to the future.
Reaching into my purse, I power on my phone. I need to call Leif. I need to apologize. I need to make fucking amends.
But when his stream of text messages appears on my screen, my heart leaps into my throat and panic rushes through my limbs.
Tennessee: I’m done. It’s over. My lawyer will contact you soon.
I grip my phone tightly and focus on breathing.
Leif has every right to be angry, but we’re not done.
Hell no. For us, this is just the beginning.
And now, it’s my turn to convince him.