17. Leni
17
LENI
No!
A hand clamps over my mouth and my nose. A hand holding a rag that smells funny, and it makes me twist my head from side to side to get away from the smell, but I can’t do it. He’s too strong, the hand is too strong. I can’t hold my breath long enough.
I need to breathe!
But I can’t, because I can’t breathe in whatever is on the rag, only it’s already too late. I’m already inhaling; that’s what my burning lungs demand. I need to inhale. I need to…
My eyes snap open all at once. There’s no slow wake up. I’m wide awake, fully aware, and about to throw up.
I can’t move—my body is frozen in fear, muscles locked, my lungs unable to pull in enough oxygen after a nightmare that was really a memory playing itself out in my overwrought subconscious. The memory of being taken off the street while Deborah laughed coldly, and Dennis drugged me.
I’m glad she’s dead. It’s a horrible thought, but it’s true. She can’t hurt me anymore, neither of them can. I’m safe here, sandwiched between two warm, solid bodies. They rescued me together; they brought me back here. Nobody is going to hurt me.
If anyone had tried to tell me a year ago that Colt and Nix Alistair would be my salvation, I would’ve told them to have their head examined.
That’s the truth of my life now. They’ve gone from my worst nightmare to my protectors. I’m pretty sure I would be dead now if it wasn’t for them.
But Mom is dead because of Nix.
No. I don’t want to think about that. Not when I’m warm and uncomfortable. All I want is to curl up between them and sleep. To let go of everything for a little while, to trust that they’ll take care of whatever comes up.
But is that childish? Probably. After everything I’ve been through, who could blame me for wanting to finally put down my burdens or at least hand them to somebody else to take care of for a while?
I’m facing Nix, who is still on his back, with my back to Colt. I can only see the left side of Nix’s face, his perfect, unmarked profile, reminding me of the cold, haughty boy I first met. He’s a different person now in so many ways, but like this, I can pretend he was untouched by the fire.
Colt stirs behind me, and the pressure against my ass tells me he’s sporting the same morning wood that’s tenting the comforter over Nix’s crotch. “You okay?” The whisper in my ear is soft and loving and protective. It goes nicely with the arm he drapes around me, holding me tight against his bare chest.
“Better now,” I whisper. “Just had a nightmare.”
“You’re safe.” With his lips against my ear, he whispers, “Here with us. Nothing’s going to hurt you.”
Life changes so fast. I can’t believe I actually crave Colt’s nearness now. I can’t help but wiggle against him a little, tucking myself closer to his body.
“Careful,” he warns, and there’s a growl running under his words. “Don’t make any moves you can’t back up with action.” Like he’s trying to prove a point, he moves his hips, thrusting his erect dick against me, and heat bursts to life in my core. My nipples tighten when his hand brushes over my chest. I close my eyes, hungry for escape. He can give that to me.
But Nix is right here, too, and I guess the movement wakes him up because his eyes open, and he turns his head, blinking hard like he’s confused.
The confusion doesn’t last long. He doesn’t have to say a word—I can see it in his eyes, in the needy light that fills them. That hungry gaze travels over my body, watching as Colt fondles my boobs.
We’ve been here before, haven’t we? Except we haven’t. It’s different now. It’s just the three of us in this bed. Nobody else watching, nobody calling the shots.
Closing my eyes again doesn’t take me any further away from the ugly memories that are never far from my mind. I don’t want to go back to that place. I can’t. This is my life. James isn’t in control anymore.
“Are you enjoying that?” Nix asks before I open my eyes again, ready to fully experience what’s about to happen without fear, without the past holding me back. The two of them exchange a look—neither says a word, and I don’t think they have to. They understand each other.
Which is probably why Colt doesn’t stop Nix from taking my hand and guiding it under the blanket, where his erection awaits. I could stop him if I wanted to.
I don’t want to. For some reason, closing my fingers around his thick shaft takes the heat that was already building and turns it into an inferno.
His helpless groans when I start to pump my fist up and down his length are nothing compared to Colt’s grunts in my ear while he humps me from behind. “What do you think?” he whispers while his hands grope and caress. His hot breath fans across my skin when he asks, “You think you can take us both?”
Do I? Throbbing and aching and already so wet, I want to try. Maybe one day I’ll figure out what it is about them that unlocks this deep, dark need in my soul.
Right now, all I want to do is give into it.
“Why don’t you use your mouth instead of your hand?” Colt suggests, wedging a hand between my legs, toying with my swollen lips until I spread my thighs so he can touch more of me. “Let me watch you suck him off while I fuck you. Does that sound good?”
Anything would sound good while he dips deeper, making my body sing with the way he plays with my wet, swollen flesh. “Oh, yes…” I moan, stroking Nix faster, working my hips to rub my ass against Colt’s rigid member. I’m already so close, sinking deeper and deeper into the pleasure the three of us are creating together.
“Put it in your mouth,” Nix grunts, settling back with his hands behind his head, watching me position myself so the dripping slit at the tip of his head is close to my tongue. He thrusts upward with his hips, and I part my lips to take him inside.
“Oh, fuck, that’s it.” His deep, satisfied groans mix with Colt’s heavy breathing while he positions himself behind me. Without saying a word, Colt takes me by the hips and lifts them, then presses a hand to my lower back so my ass is on display for him to toy with. Cool air touches my slick, bald lips, making me shiver before something thick and wide slides through my folds.
I moan around Nix, who moans in response. “Make her do that again,” he tells his brother, who rubs his head in circles over my clit until I start to lift my head to let Nix fall from my lips.
He stops me, clamping a hand on my head, holding me in place. “I didn’t tell you to stop,” he grunts, moving again, feeding me his cock while Colt drives me crazy. I’m aching, needy, ready to beg for it when all at once Colt shoves himself inside me, rocking me forward before he pulls me back by the hips.
It’s all so good. I don’t know what to focus on—the way Colt fills me up, the taste of Nix’s salty pre-cum on my tongue, or the deep satisfaction, knowing I can pleasure them at the same time. It takes the sensations running through my body and amps them up, making me suck harder while I push back against Colt’s strokes.
“You like this, don’t you?” Nix asks, pushing my hair aside so he can watch me bob up and down his length. “That’s right, nice and slow. Just like he’s fucking you. Fuck me with your mouth just like that.”
With a soft moan, I do as I’m told, matching my pace with Colt’s, and soon the three of us are moving together. I know it’s wrong, and maybe that’s what makes it feel so right.
This time, it’s different. This time, nobody’s forcing me. They’re not using me like I’m an item, a thing, a sex toy for their amusement. “So fucking tight,” Colt says under his breath, his fingers gripping my hips, digging in, and even that is so good, better than anything I could imagine.
And when pleasure races through me like fire in a dry forest, I don’t have to feel guilty for the way my body reacts. I can go with it. I can enjoy it. I can own it.
I feel the tension build, and my moans get louder. “Fuck, I wanna watch you come,” Nix groans, lifting my head away from his dick to fuck his fist.
Now all I have to focus on is the way I feel, losing myself a little at a time with every stroke, every time Colt crashes against me. And when he adds a finger to my clit, I howl, throwing my head back, almost sobbing as the tension breaks and nothing is left but sweet bliss radiating through my limbs, making me melt.
“That’s my girl.” There’s pride in Colt’s voice once I can hear it, when the heavy drumming of my heart softens a little. “You think you can take more?”
Do I think I can? No, I know I can. I know I want to.
I’m still limp with satisfaction and offer no resistance when Colt lays me on my side, facing him, my back to Nix. Nix runs a hand down my side, letting it slide around my hip, cupping my sensitive mound. “Are you still pulsing down there?” he asks. Instead of waiting for an answer, he invades me from behind, stretching me with every inch of him. “Oh, fuck, yeah,” he moans, only stopping once he’s as deep as he can go, and we are locked together. “Fuck, I feel it.”
Colt turns my face toward his and runs his tongue over my lips before parting them and plunging inside. He cups my boobs, massaging them, playing with my nipples while Nix takes me from behind in deep, slow strokes. The sounds of his pleasure make mine grow.
“Yes, yes,” I gasp when Colt lets me up for air so he can kiss and lick his way down my neck, over my chest. He finds my clit again, treating it gently, and somehow that drives me even wilder than it would if he was rough. My nerves are sizzling and my soul cries out for more.
“Our little slut,” Nix whispers, then grunts as he drives himself deep and hard.
“My turn,” Colt decides, and Nix slides out so Colt can take his place. While Colt fucks me, Nix touches me, grinds against my ass, kisses and nips at my neck with his teeth.
I don’t know who’s touching me anymore, who is inside me, I only know it feels right. Somehow, it feels right, because now it’s what I want. I don’t have to follow anybody else’s orders anymore. No one is going to tell me how to do this or where or with whom. I make the choices.
And even if I submit to them, it’s my choice to submit.
My soul is singing, soaring high, by the time Nix speeds up, not just fucking anymore but rutting like an animal, and his animal grunts push me over the edge again. I’m still coming when he pulls out and rolls me onto my back.
Then he and Colt fuck their fists for those last breathless, furious seconds before spilling cum across my pussy and inner thighs, painting my skin until I’m a coated, dripping mess.
“Fuck, yeah,” Nix whispers, his head falling back as he pants. Colt gets up and goes to the bathroom, bringing back a warm washcloth, which he uses to gently clean me up while I lie back and catch my breath.
The only word that comes to mind is fulfilled. I can’t believe how ridiculously fulfilling that was. It reached a part of me I didn’t know existed, and I can’t help wondering when we’ll be able to do it again. There was more to it than my body reacting to a little friction. It felt… freeing.
At least until my head clears and reality leaks in.
“As much as I’d love to lie around and recover, we have to get moving soon.” Colt scrubs a hand over his head, heading for the bathroom again. “I’m gonna take a shower. I won’t be long.”
Right. The bodies. I can’t forget what happened last night. I can’t ignore it. I can only try to make sense of it as I sit up and swing my legs over the bed, avoiding Nix’s gaze as I cross the room on shaky legs and grab my bathrobe from the back of my closet door.
This is too awkward. The man was just inside me, and I can’t bring myself to look at him before I go to the kitchen. When he joins me, he’s wearing a pair of Colt’s sweatpants. Now that I’m in here, I can’t remember why. My head is all mixed up.
“You know, you can look at me. You don’t have to be embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed,” I insist. Okay, I am a little bit. But there’s so much more than that. I can’t find the words.
“Hey. It’s understandable if you have a lot of shit you need to process.” When he approaches me, I take a backward step without thinking about it. Pain touches his eyes, stopping him in his tracks.
“There’s something I need you to understand.” Honestly, I’m not sure if I’m saying this for me or for him. All I know is that it needs to be said. “Don’t get this twisted. What happened just now doesn’t erase everything else. Neither does you rescuing me. I’m grateful,” I add, because I’m not completely heartless.
The old Nix would’ve laughed that off, I think. He at least would have pretended to think it was funny for me to act like I have any say in my own life. But he’s changed, and not just physically. Nodding, he replies, “I’m not asking for your gratitude. I did it for you, but I did it for me, too. And for Colt.”
“Anyway, there’s still too much unresolved.” Wow, I’m really doing well with this, aren’t I? I can’t find the words to express what’s swirling around in my head and heart. “I can’t just forgive you out of nowhere. The good things you’ve done… they don’t outweigh the other things.”
Every part of me wants to shut down, to run away from what I’ve just started. Every word, every heartbeat that accompanies them, brings up another ugly memory of being powerless, used by James and his sons like I wasn’t even human.
And no matter how good things were back in the bedroom, no matter what Nix did to save me last night, I can’t forget the glee that was on his face more than once. How happy he was to use me, whether he was forced to or not. He might have felt like he had no choice, but he didn’t have to like it as much as he did.
And then there’s what he did to me in the alley. Nobody was forcing him then. “You hurt me—here, I wave my hand indicating the apartment, and in that alley. I’m not just going to let that go. You don’t get off that easy.”
At least he’s decent enough not to argue. He doesn’t make a big deal about blaming himself, either. If anything, it would be worse to have him beat himself up just to play on my sympathy. He’s done a lot of things I can’t agree with, things I’ve hated him for, but he’s not manipulative like that.
Not that it makes him a good person or even someone I should be sharing this apartment with. At the same time, I can’t deny how good it felt to be with him and Colt together. Feeling pleasure without hating myself for it.
I’ve never stood a chance against these two. There is something about them that will always mix me up inside and make me question who I really am. What is this power they have over me?
“I understand. I’ll keep my distance if you need it,” he offers. “But Colt is probably going to have other opinions about that. He wants me to stay.”
This is all so overwhelming and much too confusing. “I think it would be for the best if you did stay here,” I admit, because it’s the truth, even if it makes things complicated. “It’ll make him a lot happier, and it will be a relief to know you’re safe. But that’s as far as it goes,” I remind him. It’s not easy to stand up for myself like this, but it’s something I want to get better at. “It’s going to take time to trust you after everything.”
His shoulders rise and fall in a deep breath before he nods again. “I get it, and I respect it. Thanks for being honest with me—I never could stand a passive-aggressive girl.”
Taking one last look at his scarred face, I wrap my arms around myself, suddenly feeling chilly. “I’m going to get in the shower now.” Because I don’t know how much more of this I can take at once. How am I supposed to look into the face of the person who killed my mom and tell him I want him to be part of my life?
At the same time, how am I supposed to feel otherwise? Because he is part of my life—a messed-up, twisted, complicated part—but I can’t deny our connection, just like I can’t deny wanting Colt to be happy. That means being with his brother.
And for me, being happy means being with Colt.
Will I ever win?