27. Isaac
27
Isaac
I stared at Zay’s face in black and white strokes. I’d snapped a picture of it the night I drew it. I wasn’t sure why in the moment, but now that I studied it closely, I realized it was trying to tell me something.
Before I could get into it, somebody knocked on my door. Whoever it was better have had a good fucking reason to pop up on me unexpectedly. In fact, the only person I was letting in here was Zay, but I knew it wasn’t her. She hadn’t reached out, and she hadn’t answered my calls.
Not that I could blame her.
“What the fuck.”
I backed away from the peephole, shaking my head at the person on the other side.
“I can hear you,” Taurus said. “Open the door man.”
I flung it open. “What, now?”
“I can’t come see my brother?”
“Yeah, but we were doin’ good. You finna come in here and fuck it all up, I can tell.”
“Man, let me in.”
“Bring ya ass on in here, damn.”
He waltzed up in here like this was a normal occurrence, and not him operating with some kind of agenda.
When he said, “What you up to?” it didn’t even sound natural. I looked at him sideways and shook my head.
“Watchin’ tv. You want a beer?”
“Yeah. You got any food?”
I grabbed two beers out of the fridge. “Shit, with top chef Savannah at home, yo ass need to be bringing me some food.”
“Yeah, she can burn.”
“And I just ate a bowl of frosted flakes. Fuck you.”
He laughed and grabbed the beer from me. I took a seat next to him, and the two of us drank in silence for a while.
“Alright, so I do have a reason for my visit today,” he said.
“Obviously.”
“I was gonna try to finesse this shit, but you too smart for that, and I don’t wanna be here all night.”
“Spit it out, man.”
“Your probation officer called me.”
“Thompson?”
Funny how that motherfucker could call my brother before he even reached out to me.
“No. I don’t know. The lady who came to my office. The one you’re fucking. That ring a bell?”
I set my beer on the table and turned my body to face him.
“Davis? She called you?”
He nodded.
Through gritted teeth, I asked, “What’d she say?”
“She was calling to plead your case, because for some strange reason, she’s under the impression that I fired you. And since that shit never actually happened, I was real fucking confused.”
“That’s just what I told her.” I peered at him. “Did you tell her?”
“I ain’t no snitch. I just listened to what she had to say. Which was a lot.”
I stared off into space, wondering why I ever let myself get mixed up with a meddling ass woman.
Well, Dawn meddled, but not because she wanted to help me. Dawn was up in my shit because she was jealous. After she found some texts and pictures from another woman—I can’t even remember who, at this point—she got territorial and confronted me. When I laughed that shit off and gave her a half-ass apology, brick-throwing commenced.
So I guess Zay, by comparison, was a much better meddler.
“Whatever the fuck this is, this shit you’re going through, she’s really, really worried about it,” Taurus said. “Which lets me know she’s in your corner. And that’s rare. But more than that, I’m at a loss. All you had to do was bring your ass back to work. What the fuck happened?”
“I don’t wanna work for you,” I said, straight like that.
“Is it the job, or me?”
“Both.”
He blew out a sigh. “So, what’s the plan then?”
“Some shit I might get into.”
“Yeah, I’m aware. What the fuck is it?”
“I might be moving a few packages for a while until I get back on my feet.”
He sat back, throwing an arm over the back of my futon, staring at me with clear disdain. “You’re a smart nigga, but you’re dumb as fuck, you know that?”
“You know what?” I chuckled bitterly. “I do know that. It’s never been clearer to me than it is at this very moment.”
“Then why—“
“I don’t know why!”
I slammed my bottle on the table and bent forward, resting my elbows on my knees. Taurus watched me quietly, waiting for what came next.
“I ain’t been right in a long time, T. That’s the best way I can explain it.”
He spoke again, very softly, which was very much unlike him.
“It’s still kinda vague to me, man.”
“Inside. Something’s broken in here.”
“What broke it?”
I brought my eyes to his. “You did what you could for me, but I never wanted you to raise me. I needed him to raise me.”
“You were fifteen, man. Almost grown.”
“I wasn’t done growing up. You don’t understand that. Vic doesn’t understand that.”
“I’m listening.”
“I don’t know, man. I think I just…stopped. Mentally, I mean. And I ain’t trying to make excuses—“
“Nah, I get it. Keep going.”
I took a deep breath. “Everything was already different. You were out the house, Vic had just went to school, and then, bam! Pop was gone. It was just me and Mama, and you know she wasn’t no good for years after that.”
“She still ain’t, if we’re being real.”
“Yeah.” I shook my head. “I swear to God, T, I don’t wanna be like this. I just…I don’t know how else to be. It’s not coming natural to me like it does to y’all. I don’t get it, man. I really don’t.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry, man. Jesus.”
“It ain’t your fault.”
“Nah, I just wish I knew this. Back then. Fuck .”
It was unspoken. The years of hell he put me through. The judgment. The bullying. The hostility.
He regretted it all.
“I didn’t have the words to tell it to you.”
Thinking back on it, I could see how easy it would have been for him to assume I was just a fuckup. And for a man like him, with all that ambition and focus, it had to be real disappointing to be related to me. To feel like he had to raise me and failed miserably at it.
“How can I help?” he said.
“You can’t. I mean, you tried. You did what you could. This is on me.”
“Where do you wanna go from here?”
I smiled. “That’s what Zay asked me.”
“Zay?”
“My PO. Well, my old PO. She transferred me.”
“Damn, nigga, what you do?”
“Nah, she did that so we could start hanging out.”
“So y’all are together together?”
“Not yet. And that’s the other thing.”
“Fuck. I need another beer for this.”
I secured another for him, then I said the thing I’d known for a while now.
“For the first time in my life, I actually have feelings for a woman.”
He burst out laughing.
“I’m dead serious, T. I been doing shit I’ve never done. Trying to take it slow and shit. I babysat her fucking dog .”
His face went blank. “Oh, you’re serious.”
“What I just say?”
“So, what’s the problem?”
With a shrug that didn’t match my words, I admitted it. “I ain’t good enough for her, man. She deserves better.”
“Well, call me crazy, but maybe you could try to be better. Just an idea.”
“That’s easy for you to say.”
“It really ain’t. You think Savannah fell in love with my winning personality?”
“Hell, nah. I ain’t never thought that.”
“Yeah, I had a company. I had my shit together on paper, but you know how I was. I had to make some fuckin’ adjustments, bruh. And that shit wasn’t easy.”
I nodded.
“It was worth it, though. It’s always worth it for a good woman. Shit, a good woman inspires you to change whether you want to or not.”
“Yeah, you did get marginally nicer. But I don’t wanna change just for her. I wanna be my best because I know that shit is in me.”
“That’s right.”
“I just don’t know…I don’t know how to find my best. Where the fuck do I look?”
His eyebrows lifted. “Well, I’ll say this…it seems like she already sees it.”
“Nah. That’s just how she is. She sees good in everything. A tornado could carry her shit off yonder and she’d be like, ‘isn’t this great? I always wanted to live on the other side of the street.’”
He chuckled.
“You think I’m playing. I ain’t never met nobody that damn positive and hopeful. Shit is irritating sometimes.”
He smirked. “And you like that shit.”
“I mean…” I tried to keep my face neutral, but the beam broke through anyway. “Every now and then, I guess.”
He watched me for a minute before shaking his head.
“Aw, shit. I know that look, nigga.”
“Whatever.”
“Listen, when it’s time to buy the ring, you can cash out your 401k.”
“Damn, I forgot all about that shit.”
“Of course you did. When you leave a job, you can roll it over or cash out.”
“Don’t they take out half for taxes?”
“Not half. Like forty percent.”
“Fuck ass government.”
“Yeah. Look, I wanna say for the record that I believe in you. I know it’s a good man in there. I already see him. And I think you’re capable of doing whatever you want. But I also need you to know I got you. Lemme be your safety net. It’s what Pop would do.”
“I appreciate that, but—“
“I knew you would say no. I’m just saying. And I’m off the bullying shit. I really am. I think I needed to hear what you said today.”
“Cuz you’re hardheaded.”
“Yeah. But also, because you don’t tell nobody shit.”
“Yeah.”
A woman once told me men don’t talk to each other. I remember dismissing that as bullshit, because what the fuck did she know about what men do? But there might be something to that, for real.
“Don’t go back, man. It ain’t worth it.” He leaned closer to me and stared at me with that stern, fatherly impression he used to give. “Kill that bullshit plan and dig deep. Figure out what you wanna do and monetize that shit. It ain’t gon’ be easy. You gon’ fuck up a lot more than you succeed. I been there. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.”
“I hear you.”
“Change for you, but she can be your motivation. Nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we need somebody to calibrate us.” He chuckled. “Look at us three. Our shit always been dysfunctional. But now we got women in our lives that help us see what normal is.”
“That’s cool and all, but I’ll never stop shitting on you.”
“That’s fine, because my foot ain’t moving off y’all nigga’s necks.”
“That works.”
He nodded. “Make that change, bruh. It’s time.”