31. Isaac
31
Isaac
“What brings you here today?”
Dr. Edmond Carver reminded me of my high school principal. I couldn’t remember that nigga’s name, but Doc had the same shiny bald head, patchy ass beard, and petite build. He even wore a sweater vest. Nerdy ass.
But Doc seemed cool enough, so far. I liked his vibe.
“I got a lotta shit—I can cuss in here, right?”
“That’s fine.”
“I got a lotta shit going on. Shit from way back. Shit from now.”
“Let’s get into it. Tell me a little about you.”
Therapy.
Ain’t that some shit?
But I was wise enough to know that if I hadn’t solved my own problems after thirty-three years, the only hope was probably gonna be a professional. The sessions were covered through Corrections, so I figured what the hell.
“Ain’t much to tell,” I said. “I’ve been in and out, and I’m trying to stay out. That’s number one for me, but I’m sure you’ve heard that before.”
Doc nodded.
“I’m gonna save us both some time and get to the details. I love my mama. She’s solid. My daddy died when I was fifteen—“
“I’m sorry. How did he pass?”
I paused. I hadn’t expected that question, because it didn’t matter.
“He had a massive stroke. Happened right in front of me.”
“I’m very sorry.”
“I have two older brothers,” I continued. “The middle one is solid. My oldest brother needs to be right here on this couch with me.”
“Why is that?”
“Can we come back to that?”
“Of course.”
“So basically, what I need is for you to sort all this shit out for me. Obviously I have issues. I know how this works. My family history is probably part of the reason I ain’t shit. I don’t know. You’re the expert. I just need to know from you, how do I get my shit together today?”
“Well. You are certainly correct in saying family history is an important factor. But it’s not the only factor.”
I nodded.
“I can already hear some limiting beliefs, which we’ll work on. But for now, I’d like to say I’m glad you’re here.”
“’Preciate it.”
“In addition to the limiting beliefs, I think we need to address your trauma, improve your self-esteem, and enhance your relationships.”
“Yeah…about that.”
“Which part?”
“The relationship thing. I have a girlfriend. It’s new. Brand new. And I lowkey feel like she could do better than me.”
A few seconds ticked by before we both started laughing.
“Been there, my friend,” he said.
“So then, you know.”
He immediately straightened up, clearing his throat. “As I said, I hear limiting beliefs, and we’ll target those.”
“I mean, listen. I ain’t ugly. I can honestly say I’ve never, ever worried about what I look like. It’s way deeper than that.”
“I got you.”
It was simple, but I needed to hear it. Especially from another black man. And I believed him. If Doc had been anybody else sitting in that brown leather chair, I probably would have walked out that door and never looked back. But I felt comfortable with him, so I stayed, then at the end, I made my next appointment.
After therapy, I headed straight to my mama’s house to meet my blockhead brothers. I pulled my Accord next to Taurus’ Mercedes, which was beside Vic’s Range Rover. The symbols of success for some people. For me, maybe a reward down the line if I could get my shit together.
Mama looked up and frowned when I walked in.
“What is this? Yall didn’t tell me Isaac was coming.” Her eyes narrowed. “What happened?”
I bent down to kiss her cheek, then sat on the other side of her on the couch. “We’re here to see about you, old woman.”
“I’m not too old to whoop your behinds.”
Taurus didn’t laugh. “How you feelin’, Mama?”
“Why?”
“You said something to me at the party,” I explained. “About you not being around forever.”
“So?”
“You never talk like that,” Vic said.
She shrugged. “You ever considered that you might be reading too much into it?”
We stared at her in silence.
“Yall are so annoying.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m getting older. It’s true. I guess I’m starting to feel it a little more than I used to. That’s all.”
“Feel it how?”
She sighed heavily. “Just aches and pains. No big deal.”
“Are you sure?”
Her hesitation was worrying, and by the looks the three of us shared, my brothers were feeling the same fear. You know when something is off with the woman who raised you, who you love most in the world. The woman who gives that love back a hundred-fold. You know in your gut.
“Do you need anything?” Vic said.
Her eyes skipped past my brothers and settled on me. She stared for a few seconds before finally saying, “I just want y’all to be okay.”
Outside, the three of us stood around in the hot ass sun, not really sure where to go from here. Vic made her lunch while I vacuumed the house and Taurus cut the grass. Now, after the tasks were complete, we felt useless.
“She’s hiding something.”
“Obviously,” I answered Taurus. “She’s stubborn.”
“Prideful,” Vic added. “She looks fine, but I don’t know.”
“So maybe we just scoop her up next week and drive her to the doctor for a checkup,” Taurus said. “What’s she gon’ do, jump out on the freeway?”
“I’ll take her. I’m supposed to do her errands on Thursday.” I wiped a hand across my forehead. “It’s hot as fuck. I’m out. T, let me know when you have a date and time.”
He nodded. “I don’t like this.”
We stood in silence for a minute before Vic slapped me on the back.
“You know that last part was for you.”
“What part?”
“About wanting us to be okay. Let’s just be real. At this point, all her stress is coming from one direction.”
I reared my head back, surprised at the direction that assault came from. “Damn, Vic.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m not about to sit up here and act like that woman didn’t call me crying and stressed the fuck out this last time.”
Taurus was quiet, but when he crossed his arms and narrowed his eyes, I knew he was holding back his agreement.
“I hear you,” was all I said.
“What that mean?”
“I’m getting my shit together. Trying to,” I corrected. “Yall don’t have to worry about me anymore.”
I didn’t blame them for being skeptical. I wasn’t even all the way convinced I could pull off a change this monumental. Every time I left jail was the last time, so why would this be any different?
I just had to take this shit one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. I wasn’t even looking off into the distance. I was too scared to think about what could be. The way Zay thought about life? I couldn’t afford to dream like that. Not yet. But I was working on it.
I got home and got on my laptop. I hadn’t been on that thing in a while, but it was time. I did some research, checked out that website Zay mentioned, then went to Amazon and bought a digital art tablet.
I didn’t have much, but I did have a plan.