Chapter 4 #2
“My brother’s fiancée is like my sister. Why wouldn’t I want to spend time with her?”
“I just think it’s weird that you spend so much time over there with a bunch of guys when you have a boyfriend—that’s all I’ll say.”
I can feel tears forming, and I don’t want to break in front of him. I don’t know why he’s saying these things. I mean, it’s not really a surprise that he doesn’t like my friends, but he can be a jerk sometimes. Okay, maybe a lot of the time.
More and more lately, I’ve been questioning why I’m even with him. I don’t feel like he even likes me all that much. So, I don’t know why I’m hanging on to this.
I think it’s time I got real with the therapist I’ve been seeing and get some advice about it.
I started working with the same therapist here that my brother used.
I really like her, and because she knows our history, it’s made it much easier for me to dive in.
I haven’t told Eli about any of this because I know if I told him about my past, he would definitely break up with me and probably tell everyone we know.
Which I only care about because I have three and a half years to go in my program and will have to be in classes with a lot of them.
“Are you just going to sit there and pout now?” he sighs.
I rub my hands on my legs and exhale a shaky breath. “I’m not pouting, Eli. You’re being intentionally cruel.”
“I’m telling the truth. You just don’t like hearing it.”
We’re turning down the street to the house, but as we get closer, I realize I’m not ready to be around Silas yet. I need some space.
“Actually, just take me to my dorm instead.”
He sighs. “I wish you had told me when we passed that street a few minutes ago.”
“Sorry,” I mumble, even though I’m not really sorry. I have the habit of apologizing when I shouldn’t.
The rest of the ride is silent. I just can’t talk to him right now, or I’ll cry or blow up, and neither option is comfortable for me.
I shoot a text off to Charlie though, letting her know I’ll call her later and that I’m staying at my place tonight.
I was lucky enough to get a single room within a quad in one of the dorms. So, I’ll have some peace and quiet so I can process everything that happened tonight and the things Eli said.
We drive up to my dorm, and there are no parking spots, so he just pulls to the side and turns on his hazards.
“I would walk you up, but there’s nowhere for me to park. You’re good, right?”
I unbuckle my seat belt and glance up at him quickly, not wanting to make eye contact. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I’ll talk to you later.”
I pull the door handle, but he grabs on to my arm to stop me.
“Hey, I’m not going to kiss you tonight. I can’t kiss you after that Neanderthal put his lips on you. I’ll call you before I go to sleep though.”
Unbelievable.
“I’m not really in the mood anyway, so, yeah, we’re all set. See you later, Eli.”
I push open the door so I can get out of the car. Once I’m out, I slam the door before I say something I might regret later. I think I hear him curse as I walk away, but I don’t really care right now.
I wave at a few people as I walk in, but I don’t stop to talk to anyone. I just want to get into my room and forget this night.
Thankfully, when I open the door to my dorm room, none of my roommates are out in the living area.
All of the bedroom doors are closed, so they’re likely studying.
My roommates are all nice, but I don’t hang out with them much.
I haven’t really told them much about me other than my major.
If they know who I am or connected me to my brother, no one has said anything, which is good.
I’ve struggled with genuine friendships since my brother started to become more well known.
I close my bedroom door behind me and drop my purse on my desk next to my bed. I strip off my clothes and get my pajamas on. Crossing the hall to the bathroom, I make quick work of my nighttime routine and head back to my room. Once I settle into my bed, I grab my phone from the nightstand.
Brooke: Hey, you still up?
Charlie: Yep. Call me?
I tap the Phone icon, and it only rings once before she answers.
“Hey, you. How you doing?” she asks.
I sigh, covering my eyes with my arm. “I don’t know. What am I doing, Char? Everything started well with Eli, but it’s just gotten … I don’t know … harder, being around him lately.”
“Well, I can’t say that I’m all that experienced with dating.
You know I’ve only had two boyfriends, and I’m marrying my first. What I can say is that Eli reminds me a little bit of the guy I dated at Chandler before I transferred here.
He was really full of himself, and looking back, I realize he got off on putting me down.
Like it made him feel better about himself or something.
It was a total change from how Beck had treated me, so I knew it wasn’t exactly right, but I was still so messed up over your brother that I think I just tolerated it.
” She pauses. “But, Brooke, don’t waste your time on someone you don’t even really like being around.
I know you were excited when you first met him, and you have similar interests and whatnot, but that doesn’t carry a relationship.
And I was a little nervous when you told me you were going to sleep with him, but that wasn’t my place to say anything. You had to make that choice.”
“Yeah, I know. It’s like I know all of this logically, but I can’t exactly make myself break up with him.
You know I don’t like to hurt people, although I’m not sure he’d be all that disappointed if I ended it.
It’s almost like he lost interest after we started having sex.
And when we do, it feels very mechanical.
It makes me feel like maybe he isn’t that attracted to me and we’re just doing it because we’re a couple. Is that stupid?”
“No, it’s not stupid. You’re saying a lot about what you think he thinks or feels, but you’re not saying anything about how you feel. You know you’re allowed to have an opinion on this relationship, right? You’re part of it too. He doesn’t get to make all the calls here, B.” She scoffs.
“No, I know. Urgh. I don’t know why I’m like this.”
“Have you talked to your therapist about this at all? I feel like some of these pieces of what you have told me are connected to the bigger picture of your past. We don’t have to dig deep tonight, but I think you need to talk to her about Eli the next time you have an appointment.
Be really honest about how you feel about him and why you’re hanging on to this relationship. ”
“You’re right, and, yes, I have an appointment with her next week, just before Christmas. You’re staying on campus and driving home for Christmas Eve? Are y’all staying at your house or mine? I know Beck only gets a few days off.”
“Yeah, you can come stay at this house for sure. Beck will fly into Oklahoma City and come directly here. I think we’ll spend one night here, then head home, but I’m not sure if we’ll be at your house or mine.
Not that it really matters since they’re right across the street.
” She laughs. “Casey will only be home for Christmas Eve because they’ll need to be back here at practice.
Bo and Silas will both be here too, obviously.
I’m pretty sure Chelsea will be staying around, and Noelle is going home ahead of Casey to spend a few days with her family, but she’ll be back the day after Christmas. ”
“Y’all are going to the bowl game in Houston, right?”
The football team has made it to the playoffs this season, but we have to make it through two rounds of bowl games before the big show.
“Yes, for sure. Are you and your dad coming with us? I thought you were.”
I nod even though she can’t see me. “Yeah, I think so. I’ll probably just ride home with you and Beck because I do need to be here for my appointment on Monday. Maybe I’ll just stay home after Christmas and have my dad bring me back here after the game.”
It might be good to spend some time with my dad too. He’s all alone now with Beck and me gone. I know he’s busy with work, but I hate to think of him sitting at home by himself night after night. Even if the Kings are across the street, it’s not the same as living with someone.
“Okay, just come stay here then until we leave.”
“Oh, wait, where will I sleep though?”
She giggles. “I’m sure Silas wouldn’t mind you sharing his bed with him.”
“Charlie, that kiss caused enough problems for me. Can you imagine if I slept in his room? Eli would definitely break up with me. He was pissed about that kiss.”
“Well, hopefully, it taught him a lesson. But I have to ask, did you feel anything when Silas kissed you?”
“I felt it everywhere,” I whisper, but I’m not sure why. No one can hear me.
“I love that for you. I know the situation is complicated, but, B, you have to admit, it was fucking hot! I’m going to send you the video Bo posted in our group chat. I was cheering, and I wasn’t even there.” She laughs.
“He came in before you called and asked if I’d talked to you at all.
I think this is more than a crush for him.
I suspected it when we went to the rodeo in the fall, but I see the way he looks at you and tries to be near you whenever you’re over.
And don’t think I missed that you were cuddled up together on the couch at Noelle’s party. ”
I groan. “You think everyone’s noticed that we fell asleep on the couch together?”
“Oh, yeah, babe. We’ve all noticed. I was waiting for him to make a move, but I never would have thought he would do it in front of your boyfriend. He’s got balls. I loved it!”
“Well, his balls caused some drama for me tonight. In more than one way.” I sigh. “Eli is pissed, and what’s worse is that I can’t stop thinking about it either.”
“Sounds like you have some decisions to make, sister. Beck is calling, so I’m gonna let you go. I’ll check in with you tomorrow, or just come by when you’re done with your exam. Love you, B.”
“Love you too. Tell Beck I said hi, I’m okay, and I love him.”
“Will do. Byyyye!” She hangs up before I can reply.
I set my phone on my chest and shut my eyes. I wish I had what Charlie and Beck have, but I don’t think I’m going to find that with Eli. I guess I just don’t know how to navigate this relationship stuff yet.
My phone buzzes, and I lift it to see a text come through from Charlie.
I open the video and zoom in on Silas and can see him mouth, Fuck it, right before he swoops in and kisses me.
At the time, the kiss only felt like seconds, but watching it, I guess it lasted a little longer.
I trace my lips with my finger, and I swear, I can almost feel his lips on mine while I watch.
I play it a few more times, then save it to my phone.
Just as I’m about to plug in my phone, another Instagram message from Silas pops up. I swipe it open and bite back a smile.
Silas: Sweet dreams, Cupcake.
I debate answering him and decide to give him something since I didn’t respond earlier. But really, what would I have said to him telling me to break up with my boyfriend?
Brooke: Night, Trouble.
Silas: Ooh, I like that.
I close out our message and scroll through my feed. Silas already follows me. I don’t really post much, so there are only a few photos, mostly family pictures and one or two with Beck after they won the championship game two years ago.
I pull up his profile and decide to follow him back.
His profile looks a whole lot different than mine.
His is basically a thirst trap, but also features some of his game footage.
He really is an incredible player to watch.
I heart a few of the game reels and a few pictures on his grid.
There are no pictures with girls, which is a relief.
Although I know he hasn’t been celibate since he’s been here—or even this year.
I’ve seen a few girls come out of his room the next day, and I didn’t like it.
I’m sure he sees me liking his posts, and I like knowing that he knows I’m cyberstalking him. He’s definitely ignited a spark tonight. But the question is, what am I going to do about it?
When I finally plug my phone in, I realize that Eli never called, and I feel … relieved.