Chapter 6
CHAPTER
SIX
brOOKE
I wasn’t lying when I told Silas I was leaving today, but what I didn’t tell him was that I also had my appointment with my therapist today.
My dad will be here to get me before lunch, which will give us plenty of time to stop at some stores on our way home.
And I’m honestly looking forward to it. For multiple reasons really.
I need some time with my dad, but I also feel like I need some time away from campus and Eli.
There’s five minutes till my appointment, and I’m hustling to reach the door.
I hate to be late. It makes me anxious. I just couldn’t make myself get out of bed this morning, and I’m normally an early riser.
Maybe I slept in because I knew I needed to dig deep in therapy today and was subconsciously avoiding it.
I swing open the door and run up the stairs, and when I reach the top, I see my therapist, Kaitlin, standing at the door, waiting for me with a smile on her face.
“It’s okay for you to be a minute late, you know?” she says.
“My need to be on time might not be a habit we will be able to curb.” I huff as I reach her.
She places a hand on my shoulder. “Come on in. I want to hear about what you’ve been up to.”
“Well, get ready. I have some things to unpack with you today.”
“Ooh … that’s good!” Kaitlin moves to the chair she usually sits in and picks up a small notepad.
There’s a brown leather couch in the room across from her chair, so I take a seat and remove my crossbody and set it on the table between us.
I take a few deep breaths just so I can be able to talk.
My brother got all the athletic genes for sure.
I work out, but running at lightning speed across the oval, like Beck can, is not in my wheelhouse.
“So, tell me how your finals went. Did you have any attacks?”
“No panic attacks, thankfully. They went well. Pretty easy, to be honest. You know I enjoy writing, and two of my classes were essays, so I actually had fun with those. One was on the correlation between shifts in geographical patterns and the severity of tornado activity, particularly the eastward shift of Tornado Alley.” I fold my hands together because I tend to wave my hands around while I’m talking as a nervous habit.
“That does sound interesting, Brooke. I would love to read it when you get it back from your professor.” She makes a note on her notepad.
“Yeah, of course. But, yes, everything went well. I’m ready for a break though.” I shake out my hands when she nods to them and sees me squeezing them so tight that my knuckles are turning white.
“What are your plans for the break?”
She makes another note on her pad. I wonder what she writes on it. I wish I could see it one day.
“Uh, well, my dad is picking me up before lunch today, and then we’ll take care of some holiday stuff.
Beck comes home tomorrow, but he’s coming here first to get Charlie.
Then I guess Christmas at my house or the Kings’ or both.
After that, we’ll all head to Houston to watch the game.
” I start to twist my hands again because now I’m thinking about the fact that I’ll be watching Silas play too.
“Oh, and we’re going to Chicago to watch Beck’s game between Christmas and New Year’s. ”
“Busy then. But that’s really good for you to spend time with your family. Get some downtime from school. You’ve been working hard this semester, and honestly, you’ve adjusted very well to school and being away from your dad.”
“I think I had to. I mean, Charlie and Casey being here helps. It might have been harder for me if I didn’t have them.” I reach for my bag to grab a mint.
“In what way?” she asks.
“Well, because it’s difficult for me to fit in, I guess. I’m not really comfortable making friends.” I shrug. “I mean, all my friends here are Charlie’s friends or were my brother’s friends and teammates, so I knew them all before I got here. I don’t really have any friends outside of that circle.”
“That’s true, but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t meet people. What about Eli? You met him on your own. How is that going?”
“Yes, I did, but that was because we met in class. And he made the first move.” I crunch my mint and swallow, starting to feel anxious because this is the big thing we need to talk about.
“And things are going well with him?” She has that stupid pen poised on the pad again.
“Actually, not good at all. And I’m not really sure what to do about it now.
I don’t think we’re a great match. It’s really hard for me to talk to him too.
I just …” I know what I’m about to say isn’t going to paint him in the best light.
“He can be kind of mean, in the sense that he talks down to me. And the worst part is that I just sit there and take it. I’m staying with him, and I can’t figure out why I can’t walk away. ”
“So, he’s condescending to you?” She points her pen toward me.
“Yes, he is. But I also wonder if he even really likes me as a person. Like, I don’t understand why he’s with me, you know?
” I hold out my hands in front of me. “He hates my friends. Makes comments about the guys being dumb jocks, knowing who my brother is and how I’m associated with them.
” I drop my head back on the couch. “I don’t feel like I can really be myself with him either.
When I’m at Charlie’s, it feels like home.
Everything is just easy, so I feel like I can relax and be myself.
But when I’m with Eli, I feel like I have to perform. Does that make sense?”
“Tell me what you mean by perform.” She motions her hand toward her body. “That’s an interesting word to use.”
I sigh. “That I feel like I have to look a certain way, talk a certain way, and never be disagreeable, or he belittles me. Despite the fact that I’m just as smart as he is. Like, if I challenge him in any way, he’ll punish me by ignoring me. Like he’s done this week actually.”
“What happened this week?” Kaitlin tilts her head, watching me.
I clear my throat. “Well, he asked me to go to a basketball game with him, but I don’t think he really wanted me to come or expected me to say yes.
I didn’t realize his friends were coming with us.
I thought we were going to be spending time together, but he ignored me when we got there.
” Then I meet her gaze. “Some of the guys from the football team showed up and sat behind us. And, long story short, the kiss cam happened, and Eli refused to kiss me, so one of the football guys did, and … as you can imagine, it made Eli pretty mad.”
“That sounds uncomfortable and confusing,” she says evenly. “Especially since you went into the situation with different expectations. What emotions came up for you in that moment—before Eli reacted?”
“At first, I think I was just shocked. Like, it took a minute for my brain to catch up to what was happening. And then Eli was upset, which just irritated me more than made me anxious. I didn’t want to cause a scene either.
So, I guess in a different situation or different circumstances, I would have had a panic attack, but because it was someone I knew, I didn’t. I’m not really sure.”
“So, familiarity played a role in how safe your body felt in that time,” she says. “Does that feel accurate to you?”
“Yes, for sure.”
Silas’s face pops in my mind, and all I can see are those blue eyes and that sexy smirk he wears.
“That’s important,” she says. “Have you thought about whether your sense of safety was situational, or whether it was connected to him specifically? In other words, do you think you would’ve felt the same way if it had been someone else?”
“All the other guys I spend time with have girlfriends, or most of them anyway, so that would have been really awkward.”
“So, this particular person doesn’t?”
“Not that I’m aware of. I’ve never seen a girl hanging around long. And never anyone he’s introduced to us. Come to think of it, it’s been a while since any girls have come around. Maybe earlier in the school year.”
She makes a note. “Do you think he has feelings for you?”
“I mean … maybe. He definitely flirts with me, and he’s really sweet and funny.”
“Do you have feelings for him? You’re smiling,” she says, raising her eyebrows.
Shit.
Instead of answering right away, I grab another mint from my bag.
“Silas is a friend. And, yes, he’s extremely attractive, and I might have had a crush on him, but that was before I came here. I mean, it’s not like anything would ever happen because he’s friends with my brother.” I bite down on my mint, breaking it in half.
“And yet he kissed you in public. In front of your boyfriend.”
“Right.”
She lets that sit for a beat. “How did your night end with Eli?”
“I was supposed to go to his place, but the whole night changed into something that just upset me, so I went home instead. I thought about going to Charlie’s, but Silas lives there, too, and I didn’t think I was ready to see him yet.”
“Did you enjoy that kiss?”
“Yes,” I whisper.
“I’m guessing this is one of the guys that Eli doesn’t like. So, my next question to you is, do your new feelings or realizations, or whatever you might call them, about Eli have anything to do with Silas?”
“I don’t think directly. Eli has been acting this way since we slept together.
And even that isn’t great. I am new to all of that, but he doesn’t make me feel confident in what I’m doing.
It’s like we do it, and then it’s over. There’s not even a whole lot of lead-in to the main event, if you know what I mean. ” I can feel my face heat.
“I know what you mean, yes.” She laughs lightly. “Maybe he also lacks experience, and he’s insecure.”