Chapter 17 The Confession
THE CONFESSION
CARTER
Ipull up to a pile of mismatched and overflowing boxes sitting on the porch, and my heart falls to my stomach when I recognize the pieces of our lives gathered over the years thrown together haphazardly like they mean nothing. I rush up to the door and raise my hand to knock.
There’s no answer, and I’m starting to lose it. Did she just drop our stuff here for me to get and leave? Was that the final straw? The picture looked bad, and I know that she already doesn’t trust me. I lay my forehead against the wood. It’s cool from the evening air and soothes my chaos.
“Hello, Mr. casually cruel!” I barely get a chance to step back when the door opens, and there she is, headphones in and belting out whatever song it is she’s listening to. “Mr. everything revolves around AHH!”
She freezes before running me down, taking me in from head to toe.
I know I look a mess. I haven’t combed my hair or trimmed my beard in who-knows how long, and now there’s probably a red spot in the middle of my forehead from resting it against the door.
Well, my hands have been combing through my hair, but not in any attempt at grooming.
I’m feeling crazy and the motion gives me something tactile to grip onto.
“Well, well, well, I see we’ve met the consequences of our choices haven’t we? ”
I don’t bother agreeing with her before I push past her into the house, grabbing the box from her as I pass by.
The framed photo of us is half falling out.
Becky proudly displaying the tiny ring I scrimped and scraped to buy her while I stared at the woman I somehow won.
She can’t throw this away. Nope, absolutely not.
“Hey, wait a sec—what the hell Carter!” I set the box down, turn to her, and fall to my knees.
“Becky,” Fuck, my voice is a mess. “I—” I choke on my words, I don’t know where to start. I love you. You’re my world. My everything. Please know I didn’t want her. Please don’t leave me. Please take me back. I can’t breathe without you.
I look up at her and grab her hands, clutching them tightly.
She rips one hand out and my heart sinks even further, until she pulls her headphone out, returning her hand to mine.
Grounding myself with the feel of her, I look around at the wreckage of our house.
I was only here hours ago, taking care of some chores, but not with her, with Becky, since that day.
“Becky. I am so sorry, for everything.” A good start, I hope.
My emotions clog my throat. I feel my eyes burn with how much I feel about her, about this, about what I did.
“I was an idiot, and I let my—my fear, my insecurities get in the way of being the man you needed me to be.” My throat bobs in another swallow as I search her eyes for something.
“First you need to know that picture, it wasn’t what it looked like.
” She opens her mouth, but I cut off her argument before it starts.
“She got up in my space uninvited. I left immediately, and I think there’s at least one person there that can tell you as much.
Hell. There’s probably footage.” She looks unconvinced, and I know this is the moment to finally come clean about it all.
“I should have told you everything, from the beginning. From the moment I decided I wanted to go into business with Billy, you should have known.”
She stands there, eyes bouncing between mine, our hands, and her feet. “Yes, I should have.”
I squeeze her hands and she meets my gaze again. “I know, Becky. God, do I know it now.” Now, the impossible part. I look away from her beautiful face. “I need to tell you about how this all happened.”
“Carter, you’ve already told me, and it doesn’t make a difference.” Her voice is not gentle, exactly, but she’s not closing off either. Yet.
Hell. I don’t want to do this. “No, I didn’t, not really. There’s more to it, and I think you should know. Especially after the…picture.”
She freezes, and shutters go down, blocking emotion from leaking out. “No, thank you.”
“Please Becky.”
“No.” I’m about to open my mouth to protest again, but she blessedly continues to explain.
“I’m not ready for that night yet.” She blurts it out, pulling away from me.
She doesn’t make it a step away before I leap up and latch onto her arm, spinning her toward me.
Pain is evident in every feature of her face.
Already, I’ve broken through that first wall of feigned indifference, and now we’re standing here in the rubble I created.
She’s hurting, and she doesn’t deserve it.
“I understand.” I really do, baby. “Why don’t we go sit down?” I nod toward the living room and she nods. I move instinctively to my spot and freeze. Another weight, this time of loss, settles over me, and I move over more, giving her space to remain in her comfortable place.
We turn to each other.
My chest raises and falls with a slow inhale.
“I enjoyed my time with her.” Her face falls, and instead of trying to soften my words, I rush through it.
“In the beginning, when I was giving her rides for the garage? Taylor was sweet. She was self-deprecating and asked gentle questions about my life, and soon she became an outlet.” I meet her sad eyes and tell her the truth.
“She became the person I told things I should have been telling you.” I close my eyes and release the first painful confession.
“That’s where my emotional affair started.
When another woman got the words that belonged to you. ”
A small sound of distress escapes her, and I know how much she hates the weakness it shows. If that’s not bad enough, she asks me a question I wish I could answer differently.
“How much are you about to hurt me, Carter?” Her vulnerability in this moment is shattering, and I have to look away.
“I hope not much more.” I don’t deserve this sympathy. “Becky, I didn’t tell you this because I was ashamed of my stupidity and my weakness.” I look back to see her watching me. I’ve always loved when she watches me. “But, you deserve to know the extent of it.”
“Go on.” Her words are sure, and her shoulders are set against me and the things I did to us, to her.
“When she approached me about payment, I jumped on the opportunity, as I already told you.” I’m resigned to say the rest, as much as I want to stop there.
“I was disappointed when Paul said we were done giving her rides on the clock.” Becky’s eyes are bright with tears, and her jaw is locked tight against the hurt—or what she wants to do to my face.
I keep going because I think we need to have this all out between us.
No secrets. No wondering. “She was a bright spot of my work day.” I watch my words land like a slap.
She physically recoils from me, looking smaller in her seat, shrinking into herself.
I force the words out of my mouth—my next confession.
“That was the first night I lied to you. Taylor had asked for a ride, Paul said no, so I went anyway.” Becky’s trembling frame is tearing me apart, but I keep going.
“After work, I went to help her out then explain I couldn’t give her those rides anymore.
I wanted to—to tell her in person.” I subconsciously fiddle with my chain and continue purging the poison.
“Apparently, Paul had already told her, but she said she wanted to make a deal with me. I agreed…easily.”
Becky’s hands shoot up between us, palms facing me.
“Stop. Please. Just a minute.” Her voice is low and raspy, hard to hear, and nothing at all how it usually is.
I have to fight the urge to reach out and hold her steady, but she’s not looking at me.
She’s staring at the tremor of her fingers.
Slowly, she clenches them into fists and let them fall to her lap.
Her shoulders rise and fall with her shaky breaths until, after a few deep inhales, she squares her shoulders and meets my stare.
“I already know all of that, Carter. I—” Her voice breaks off and she closes her eyes.
I don’t dare to move or interrupt. “I need to know about the night of the music festival.” Her voice has smoothed back to her normal cadence.
Her normalcy soothes me. She has managed to resettle herself into the discussion.
Her statement, though? Her request? It sets me on edge in a different way.
Leave it to Becky to get me all tangled up in one sentence.
“I promise that I’ll get to that.” Her brows lower at my words, jaw tensing.
“Please tell me the plain truth. Don’t dress it up, Carter.” She sits tall again, speaks clearly. She’s already gotten through some hurt tonight, but she’s ready for whatever comes next because she is so fucking strong.
“Yeah, I can do that.” I look her over again and let out a sigh.
This part is where I think I hate myself the most. “So, as you know, I started giving her rides or just generally helping when she needed me.” I lean forward and rest my forearms on my legs, holding my hands together for some semblance of balance or comfort.
“I was making money, so I justified it to myself that it was basically a second job. I was working with a friend. I think that’s what set me up. ”
“Set you up for what?” She asks, her body leaning towards me. I still don’t look at her.
“I didn’t put this together until later. Until it was too late. Maybe I was naive, maybe I was just an asshole—”
“The plain truth.” Becky reminds me, more gently than I deserve.