14. Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fourteen
Dominique “Nikki” Honoré
As I waited for Cadence to pick up my call, I thought about what transpired since I was rescued. Joshua had been the only thing I’d been able to think about when I should be getting this story out into the world. This was my chance to save people, so they didn’t have to endure what I witnessed and went through because Decker wasn’t going to stop.
In the time I had recuperated at the Sinners clubhouse, Joshua had disappeared. It had been more than three weeks since I had laid eyes on him, and I didn’t know how I felt about his disappearing act.
The only information anyone would give me was that he was tending to club business. Whatever the hell that meant. So, I’d been spending my time hanging out with Lila who had a very unhealthy attachment to New York, one of the Sinners, while also keeping my distance from the other women who lived at the clubhouse. They hated I was staying here, which I didn’t completely understand. Maybe they fucked Joshua, like the many of other men here and they saw me as a threat. Who the hell knew?
I’d been warned by New York about the shit that happened at the clubhouse and reassured on multiple occasions that none of the men forced any of these women to be here. They fucked them because they wanted to and had no problem having sex whenever or wherever. Definitely something I wasn’t used to but if it was all consensual, who was I to judge. At least they had a choice. I’d seen what happened when women didn’t.
After Joshua found out exactly what happened to me it was like he was on a mission to find Decker. That being his focus he had completely closed down or maybe a better description would be that he had pulled away from me. Either way what I thought would be a time for us to reconnect and get to know one another as adults wasn’t happening, which pissed me off.
I could admit those old feelings started to stir within me again. Maybe he sensed it and that was why he distanced himself from me. I had no fucking clue because he wasn’t around for me to ask him what the hell was going on with him.
I tried not to take it personally, but I couldn’t help it. It felt like he was avoiding me. We weren’t kids anymore. If he didn’t want me around all he had to do was say it and my ass would be on a plane out of here.
Before he disappeared, he made sure to keep our conversations short and to the point. He only asked how I was doing, or if I remembered anything else from my time in captivity. He was being a real asshole, and I was at the end of my rope.
“What’s wrong?” Cadence asked immediately when she answered the phone.
I hit the speaker button and placed the phone on the desk in front of me.
“Why do you think something’s wrong? Maybe I just wanted to check in with my friend.”
Even though I was angry with Joshua for ghosting me, I really didn’t want to dwell on it. Cadence had the remarkable ability to get me to focus on other things instead of what was rattling around in my brain. She had talked me off the ledge many times over the years.
“Dominque Honoré, you are not fooling anybody. Who is that man to you? And what has he done to make you sad?”
Well maybe she isn’t going to take my mind off it this time.
I rolled my eyes and blew out a breath. “First of all, I don’t know who you’re talking about and second of all, I’m not sad. After what I’ve been through, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking.”
I put as much conviction in my voice as I could but Cadence’s silence over the line only showed me it didn’t work. She was trying to figure out what was going on without asking me again. You give her an inch and she’d take a mile and figure shit out you just wanted to keep to yourself.
“Bitch, you do know I’m a therapist, right?”
“You’re a sex therapist.”
“Yes, I am but a therapist all the same and I see this all the time.”
I groaned. I hated when she analyzed why I hadn’t committed to someone. We had this conversation at least once a month when she or the other girls were trying to set me up with someone.
“Oh my god!” she whispered yelled like someone would hear her. “You’ve got to be shitting me! He’s the guy!”
The sheer excitement in her voice made me pinch the bridge of my nose. She smelled blood in the water, and I knew there was no way in hell she was going to let this conversation drop.
“What guy, Cadence?” I asked, annoyed by this conversation already. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
She huffed. “You know… the guy that has ruined you for all other men? We all have them. Brian is mine, and this guy is yours.”
She giggled like a schoolgirl, and I couldn’t help but laugh. Brian owned his own sex club, and Cadence said they got a little wild. I was sure he had really ruined her for any other man. Not only in the bedroom, but he treated her like a queen. He was in love with her to the point of obsession really, and I could say the same about her. Brian Hamm was it for her.
How could Loki be that guy for me when the only thing we shared was a kiss in high school? Of course I had a major crush on him back then, but I knew nothing could ever happen between us, so I moved on with my life and I was pretty sure he had moved on with his. Even according to Lila, her sister Monica, was someone he fucked, and most definitely not the only one.
From a young age, Joshua Ledet had always been gorgeous, turning heads wherever he went. Even during his high school years, he had a presence about him that left the girls mesmerized, including me. And he got even hotter when he joined the military. When he and my brother came home on leave, it was one of the highlights of my life because the man knew how to wear a uniform. But now Joshua was a sight to behold, in only jeans, a t-shirt, leather vest, and motorcycle boots. Who would have thought someone could get any finer with age, but it definitely happened with him.
“You know I fucked other guys, Cadence.”
She let out a deep sigh. “I’m not just talking about sex, Nikki. Anyone can fuck and it be just that. I’m talking about opening your heart to someone. And as long as I’ve known you, you have refused to do that with any man. And you want to know why?”
“No, not really,” I mumbled. “But I’m sure you’re going to tell me, anyway.”
“You’re damn right I’m going to tell you,” she said without missing a beat. “It’s because of him.”
“So, you think it’s because of Joshua I haven’t had a serious relationship that goes beyond sex?”
“Yes. Yes, I do.”
I chuckled at this ridiculous conversation. I just wanted to have a normal, friendly chat with my friend, not get into analyzing why I wouldn’t let anyone love me. Although I didn’t believe that was true. I just hadn’t met the right man yet. And I was focused on my career, not finding a man anyway.
“I won’t deny, I had a crush on him when we were in high school. He was my first kiss. But it was high school, Cadence. What the hell did I know about love? I moved on from those feelings all girls have for their childhood crushes.”
“Did you lose your virginity to him too?”
I laughed. “No, that honor went to Randal Hodges. Damn, I hadn’t thought about him in ages. Joshua beat that boy within an inch of his life, and he never spoke to me again. Anyway, being here brought back all those memories. But that’s all it is.”
“Are you sure?” she asked, and I could hear the skepticism in her voice. But I truly believed it was just remembering the past. Nothing more and nothing less.
“Yes, I’m sure. And he doesn’t even want me, anyway. He never has.”
“What makes you say that?” she asked.
“I haven’t seen or talked to him in three weeks, Cadence. When we were younger, he acted like I was his sister. I’m the one who initiated the kiss, and he stopped me before it could go any further. There was never anything there on his part, so I don’t believe there’s anything now.”
“If you say so, Nikki. But I’m telling you in my professional opinion, you have things to work out with that man before you can ever think to move on with anyone. You are ignoring your true feelings for him. I don’t know if it’s because they developed when y’all were younger or what it is, but for you to still be affected by him now, it was much more than a crush.”
“And you think my feelings were deeper?”
“I don’t think it, I know they were. And maybe there weren’t any feelings on his part, but I’m talking about the need for you to deal with yours for him.”
I don’t think there are feelings that I need to deal with concerning Joshua.
Before I could respond, the door slammed closed. I looked over my shoulder, and I came face to face with the man I’d been wanting to see for the last three weeks but he definitely didn’t look happy to see me.
“Hang up the phone,” he said, his deep dark voice washed over my entire body.
“Is that him?” Cadence asked with excitement in her voice.
“Excuse me?” I asked him, ignoring Cadence and her excitement. “I’m on the phone right now.”
“I don’t give a fuck. Hang up the damn phone, Nikki.”
Joshua’s clenched fists trembled at his sides. Anger radiated from him. I didn’t know what reason he had to be pissed off with me. I hadn’t heard one word from his ass in three weeks. If anyone should be pissed off, it should be me.
“I’m going to let you go, Nikki,” Cadence said with humor in her voice. “Just keep in mind what I said. It’s time to face what you’ve buried.”
I rolled my eyes. She was always in therapist mode. She didn’t even give me time to respond before she ended the call. I knew after he interrupted us like he had, I probably wouldn’t hear the end of it from her, or my other friends. They’d want to talk about it later, which was a talk I was dreading already.
My attention shifted to the biker, who was visibly angry. Hopefully he didn’t hear anything Cadence, and I was talking about because having to confront my non-existent feelings for him wasn’t a conversation I was ready to have with him. I didn’t want to try to unpack feelings Cadence believed I had for this man.
Exhaling slowly, I steeled myself to confront my past.
“Where have you been?” I asked. And when he began to respond, I threw my hand up stopping him. “And don’t give me some bullshit about club business, either. Where have you been?”
“Chasing leads.”
“What kind of leads?”
“That’s all I’m going to say about it because it is club business. What’s this shit you were saying about my feelings for you?”
I stood up and placed my hands on my hips, glaring at him. That was something that was said between me and my friend. I wasn’t discussing that with him.
“Where you listening to my conversation?”
“If you don’t want anyone hearing the shit you have to say, Nikki, keep that shit off speaker phone, and the damn door closed.”
“What the fuck is your problem, Joshua? First, you distance yourself from me like I got the goddamn plague. Then you leave, and I don’t hear from you for weeks. Not a hey. Not a fuck you. Nothing! And now you stomp in here like you’re pissed off at me about the private conversation I was having with my friend.”
“Once again, it wasn’t private when it’s on speaker phone and the door is wide the fuck open.”
“You know what? Fuck you, Joshua!”
“Fuck me?” He reached me in two strides. “No fuck you, Nikki. You think I don’t care about you! You think that I’ve distanced myself from you because I don’t give a fuck about you! That’s the reason I have! Because I do and I fucking shouldn’t!”
The air rushed out of my lungs. “Wait. Wh…what?” I furrowed my brows in confusion, trying to make sense of what he was trying to say.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, his frustration evident in the way he sighed and looked at me. “After coming home from overseas, I had my own shit to deal with and everyone suffered because of it, including you.”
“What are you talking about?” I asked, curious as to what happened to him when we lost touch.
“We’ll talk about that some other time,” he muttered. “Of course I cared about you back then, but I also loved your brother like he was my own, and I couldn’t and wouldn’t ever disrespect him like that no matter how much I wanted you.”
Is he saying what I think he’s saying?
“You wanted me?”
“When I saw that photo of you being taken, all those feelings came rushing back to me and I needed to protect you,” he said, ignoring my question. “Those feelings became stronger once we got you out and I couldn’t be selfish, Nikki. You’d been through some terrible shit, and I wanted to be there for you.”
“If you wanted to be there for me, why did you leave me when I needed you!” I yelled, interrupting his thought.
“Because I wanted to do more than hold your fucking hand! And it was selfish of me to want you, when you had just been through a bunch of bullshit. So, I left to give you space to heal before I fucked it up.”
“So, wait…you wanted me?” I muttered again.
“Not wanted, Nikki. I fucking want you with everything in my being. I want you so bad my fucking chest hurts,” he said, rubbing his hand across his heart. “I want you so much I can’t breathe when you’re not around. But I also don’t want to be the asshole who rushes you into shit you’re not ready for. You need time to heal from what you’ve been through. So, I’m so fucking sorry I left, but I did what I needed to do to protect you from me.”
I reached up and cradled his face with one of my hands, my eyes filled with tears. “Joshua, you don’t need to protect me from you because I want you too. I always have. Nothing will ever change that.”