26. Bailey
twenty-six
Bailey
I kiss him again before shutting the door behind him. The dorm room instantly feels empty. Dull. Lifeless.
My phone dings with back to back message notifications. What in fresh hell?
Nat: I haven’t seen you in weeks
Nat: I’m coming over
Nat: Put some pants on
Nat: You have been warned
I laugh and roll my eyes. “Beto, your favorite person is coming over,” I announce.
As requested, I throw on an old pair of sweats and a faded t-shirt before I grab a bowl of cereal and make my way to the couch.
My cheeks burn as I play different versions of the inevitable conversation in my head.
Each of them ends with me bright fucking red and Nat yelling at me for not telling her sooner.
She undoubtedly knows something is up and I know good and goddamn well she’s going to get the truth out of me.
Images of waterboarding and other creative forms of torture flash before me. Yikes, that escalated quickly.
I put my dishes away and grab a beer from the fridge in apprehension. And, commence day-drinking.
I deserve it.
I’m going to need all the help I can get.
The first sip of liquid courage soothes something in me. The turmoil a little less foreboding now. Thank fuck.
“Let me in, asshat,” I hear from the door.
“Coming,” I groan.
Nat pushes past me, her shoulder knocking me so hard I almost lose my balance.
“Jesus,” I mumble as I watch her flutter around my kitchen like she owns the place.
“Couch with me,” she demands, Diet Coke in hand.
I follow her, dragging my feet in protest.
She pats the cushion next to her and I relent, flopping down beside her.
“Spill,” she demands.
“Spill what?” I ask, urging my cheeks not to flush and my hands to stay the fuck still.
She punches my arm. Hard. “Ow, shit. What was that for?” I whine.
“For lying to me.” She huffs. “What the hell is going on with you? Where have you been? Are you okay? Are you addicted to porn and need an intervention?”
I can’t help but laugh. “No, oh my god.”
I can’t believe she went there.
“Then what are you not telling me?” She clanks her drink onto the table and crosses her arms, turning to face me. She’s glaring at me like a teacher might a student.
My stomach twists—I swallow thickly, struggling to remember any of the lines I rehearsed earlier. I open my mouth but my throat is too tight. My cheeks heat and I have to break her intensive gaze.
“Oh my god, Bays. You’re fucking seeing someone aren’t you! You’re blushing right now oh my god how could I have missed this?” She slams her hand on the couch beside her in exasperation.
I’m so shocked I can’t help my jaw from dropping. “How in fresh fuck did you do that?”
“I know you, Bays. I know you better than you know yourself and I knew something was up but I thought something terrible had happened or you were in another emo phase where you wanted to stay home alone and listen to Radiohead!”
“Fuck off, Nat,” I say. “Also, it wasn’t just Radiohead.”
She laughs, “Oh my god you have to tell me everything.” She claps her hands in excitement, making the couch bounce under us.
I groan, “You can’t be serious. It’s not even noon yet.”
“Don’t care. Tell me. I need to know.”
I sigh, “Fine.”
I pull in a breath as she waits, eyes wide with excitement. “I’ve been seeing someone since that party we went to a few months back.” I spit out the words and then find a spot on the floor that I can focus on.
“I beg your pardon? Bays! You’ve been hiding her from me for months?”
“Sorry,” I whisper. I really am. I’ve been wanting to tell her everything but I could never find the right words—or the right time.
“You’re on my shit list, Bailey. This is unacceptable,” she rolls her eyes but I see the flash of hurt on her face and I hate it.
“I really am sorry, Nat.” I pause for a beat, “It’s—um, it’s complicated.”
She grabs her phone, “Hey Siri, set a timer for one minute,” she says before boring holes into my head with her stare. “You have sixty seconds to start talking or I’m calling Liam,” she says.
I freeze. No. I can’t do this with Liam. I’m not ready. He wouldn’t—couldn’t… My thoughts trail off as I glance back at her phone. 39 seconds.
“What’s her name?” she asks in her no-nonsense voice.
“Oliver.”
Nat’s mouth opens like she’s about to say something but closes again just as quickly.
She grabs her phone and turns the timer off before looking at me, brows raised in question and intrigue. She leans toward me, a crooked smile on her face, and rests her chin in her hand.
Waiting.
Watching.
My heart pounds in my chest so hard I swear I can feel it in my hair.
I focus on my breathing and make eye contact again.
It’s just Nat. She loves you. Just tell her.
“His name,” I choke, “is Oliver.”
Her smile grows, eyes sparkling, “Bays, oh my god! This is so exciting! I can’t believe I didn’t notice sooner! Shut up, oh my goodness, Eek!”
I laugh, relieved by her reaction to the news. “Yeah, it um, just kind of happened.” I blush, ears burning.
“I want to know everything!” She squeals and jumps to hug me, wrapping her arms so tight around my neck I choke a little.
“Ah-hem,” I clear my throat then laugh. “You sure about that?” I ask teasingly.
Her face twists in confusion before realization hits and she says, “Nope. No, I’m not. I want to know almost everything,” she winks.
The weight that I’ve been carrying around for weeks is lighter now. Still there but not as pressing.
“Start with the party. I’m dying to know what happened.” She grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze, her smile so genuine there’s no way I can resist.
“You’re not going to believe me. Well, actually,” I laugh, “you might.”
“Bays, did you show him your Pokemon collection?” She brings her hand to cover her mouth, stifling a giggle,
“No, good god, Nat. I just—I spilled my drink on him.”
Nat squeals and then laughs so hard tears begin streaming down her face, “Oh, my god, Bays. Of fucking course you did.”
I shake my head, “I know, right?”
“I was about to leave the bathroom, didn’t even hear anyone coming.
I was walking out the door one second, and the next I was crashing into someone and apologizing like a crazy person.
” Memories of that night make me smile as I continue, “I grabbed a damn hand towel and was patting his chest like a madman.”
“Keep going. I’m loving every second of this,” Nat laughs.
“I didn’t even realize what was happening until he grabbed my wrist and forced me to stop dabbing at him. I was so drunk, Nat. The worst part is that I didn’t remember any of this shit until the next morning.”
“You’re joking, right?”
“I wish,” I sigh. “It came back in short reels the next morning between bouts of nausea and the room spinning.”
“Damn, Bays. So, what do you remember?”
“Oh, I remembered everything. Had the memories not been crystal fucking clear I never would have believed it.”
She laughs, “Yikes.”
“Yikes is right. I um—we made out.” My face pulls tight as I wait for her to respond.
“That’s it?” She looks disappointed. “Boring. Let’s skip to the next scene, thanks.”
I tell her everything. I tell her about the night he wore those wings and we kissed outside of the club. The kiss we shared when he walked me to my dorm. The street tacos and sunset, the sushi date. I explain how I miss him when he’s not here, and admit that it terrifies me.
“Oh babe, you’re falling for him,” she says. “Are you okay with that? Does he know you’ve never dated any guys before? Does he know about your parents?”
I hang my head, chest tightening as the gravity of her questions hit.
“I’m sorry. I know this can’t be easy. I just love you and want the best for you.”
“I know. I just—I’m scared. I want to tell Liam but haven’t figured out how.
My parents? I think my Dad would go into cardiac arrest and my mom would never forgive me.
” I run my hands through my hair then cover my eyes, digging my palms into them until the pain is too intense.
“Oh, and God forbid we forget to mention Jake,” I roll my eyes.
“His MAGA hat is probably growing into his scalp at this point,” I groan.
“Bays, you know I love your parents like they’re my own, right?”
I nod, unsure where she’s going with this.
“They love you, and I truly believe that there is nothing you could do to change that—but I understand. Trust me, I do. And you’re right.
There’s always a chance that their blind trust in their sky daddy could cause some tumultuous days, but I don’t think it would be indefinite.
I choose to believe that their love for you is bigger than their fear of depravity. ”
She pauses for a beat, “I want to believe that their love for you is unconditional, and that though it might take some time, they would be honored to love you in any way, and alongside anyone.”
I fight to hold back the tears threatening to catapult down my fucking face and fail miserably.
A quiet sob escapes as I lean in, grabbing Nat like my life depends on it.
“Thank you,” I cry. And for a moment, I let myself believe it.
I let myself dream about a life in which my parents would be accepting of him—of us.
Because I know it could never be my reality, but just for a second I want to pretend.