33. Bailey
thirty-three
Bailey
“I’m coming with you,” Nat says as she throws the car in park and grabs my hand, jogging alongside me to the hospital entrance.
The drive from the dorm was only thirty minutes but it felt like an eternity. The uncertainty and absolute terror rushing through my veins threatened to pull me under but I fought to stay present, determined to be there for my mom.
We round the corner to the surgical suite waiting area and Mom stumbles as she stands before collapsing into my arms. “Oh Bailey, I was so scared. I was so afraid and I didn’t know what to do.” She sobs into my chest as I fight to remain upright.
Nat places a gentle hand on my back, reminding me we’re not alone.
I wait until Mom’s breathing slows and then guide her to a seat and then take the one next to her, taking her hand in mine.
“Mom,” I say quietly, “can you tell me what happened? From the beginning?”
“We were in bed and he woke me, said he was having bad heart burn,” she begins, voice shaking.
“I didn’t think anything of it and got up to get him some antacids from the kitchen.
” She pauses, then pulls in a deep breath.
“When I came back I turned on the light and noticed he was pale and sweating. That’s when I panicked and called 911. ”
Mom laughs, “He was actually mad at me for calling an ambulance.” She shakes her head, “Told me I was overreacting.”
“Oh my God,” Nat whimpers.
Mom continues, “By the time we got to the ER his chest was hurting and the paramedic said he was having a STEMI. They explained that he would go straight to cath lab and to wait here.” She gestures around the waiting area and then shakily wipes tears from her eyes.
“I haven’t seen anyone yet but they said they would update us as soon as they could. ”
STEMI.
Cath lab.
Chest pain.
He was awake.
He was awake and talking if he could complain about chest pain.
He got here quickly.
They activated the cath lab.
This hospital has a cardiothoracic surgeon on staff if he needs open heart surgery.
Okay.
I force deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth as I mull over the facts and try to ignore the intrusive thoughts.
Thoughts of the overhead speakers calling, “Code Blue, cath lab.” Images of crash carts and intubation trays.
Visions of someone starting chest compressions while another draws up epinephrine.
I shake my head. Stop it, Bays. You don’t get to freak out. He’s going to be fine.
My eyes dart from the floor when the familiar sound of clogs shuffle toward us.
“Are you the family of Mr. Bailey?” A tall woman in blue scrubs and an OR scrub cap rounds the corner with the best poker face I’ve ever fucking seen.
“Yes,” Mom and I say in unison.
“My name is Dr. Russell, I’m one of the CRNA’s in your husband’s case,” she says, directing her attention toward Mom.
“He is doing well, but he had an almost complete blockage in his left anterior descending artery, or, LAD, and had you not gotten him here as quickly as you did this could have been a very different conversation we are having.”
Mom lets out a garbled cry, “Oh, God.”
“So he’s going to be okay?” I ask, my voice shaking.
“Yes. Dr Singh was successful in placing a stent and restoring blood flow to the ischemic area of the heart. He will be admitted for observation and will be placed on antiplatelet aggregates and undergo a thorough work-up during his hospitalization, but he should recover.”
“Thank you,” I say, salt hitting my tongue as I realize I’m crying.
“We will recover him in PACU and then you can see him when he wakes up. A nurse will come and take you to his assigned room within the hour,” she says as she turns on her heels and quickly walks away.
Nat grabs my hand and squeezes gently, “Is there anyone you want me to call?” She says it quietly, and I appreciate her discretion.
I shake my head no, unable to find the words.
Lolly.
I want him here.
Need him.
But I can’t.
It wouldn’t be fair.
Mom would never forgive me.
Nat offers a small, shaking smile and holds onto my hand.
She doesn’t let go until the nurse comes to lead us to his hospital room. And even then, she doesn’t leave. She stays with us, taking a seat on the floor next to me until they roll him in.
I jump to my feet, shoving shaking hands in my pockets as I watch them transfer him onto the cardiac monitor in the room and lock his bed in place. The thrumming beeps a rhythmic reminder that he’s alive. The bouncing blue pulse oximetry reading a quiet nod to days to come.
“Oh, Sweetheart,” Mom cries as she takes his hand in hers.
I wipe tears from my cheeks with my shirt sleeve right before his eyes open, squinting in confusion.
“Well, I guess this isn’t heaven?” He says, voice thick with exhaustion.
I laugh, “No, Dad. It’s not.”
I wipe a stray tear from my face as a heavy knowing settles over me.
I can’t hurt them.
I can’t break Dad’s fragile heart.
I have to let go.
I make my way downstairs, hoping the coffee I’m smelling isn’t from yesterday. Dad’s been home for two weeks and is feeling like himself again. Pestering Mom whenever he can and has even planned a fishing trip.
“Morning,” Mom chirps from the kitchen table. “How’d you sleep?”
“I slept well, actually.” I admit. It’s been weird being back home, but I couldn’t bring myself to leave until Dad was back on his feet.
“Where’s Dad?” I ask as I take a seat beside her, the old oak chair creaking under my weight.
“Still snoring,” she laughs. “I figured he deserves a few extra hours of sleep after cardiac rehab yesterday.”
“Did they kick his ass again?” I say, unable to stop the smile from stretching across my face.
“God, yes. He griped the entire drive home and I’m pretty sure he even said ‘stop torturing me’ in his sleep.”
I get up to pour a cup of coffee when I hear a knock at the door. Who the hell?
“Oh, that’s David and Jake,” Mom says excitedly as she jumps up and heads to the door.
My stomach turns, nausea gnawing at my throat.
“Hey, y’all It’s so good to see you both.” She grabs both of them and pulls them into a tight hug.
“Good ta’ see you too,” Uncle David replies with a laugh.
Jake gives a curt nod and a small, polite smile.
“How’s he been?” David asks. “He’s got me convinced he’s ready for a weekend at the cabin, but I wanted to run it by the boss first,” he says with a wink.
“Well,” Mom replies, “His cardiologist did, in fact, clear him for light exercise yesterday. But, that doesn’t mean he can do anything strenuous. You two will have to make sure he doesn’t do too much,” she says as she looks between the two of them with a stern glance.
“Oh, yes ma’am,” Jake replies. “We wouldn’t want any extra stress on his heart,” he says with a glare in my direction. “I’ll make sure he stays safe,” he adds.
Fuck.
I’m going to be sick.
I excuse myself, and head back upstairs, my chest heaving, hands trembling. I hold onto the wall as I close my old bedroom door behind me before slinking down to the floor, head in my hands.
My phone dings, pulling me from my panicked daze.
I squint through the blurry haze, wiping tears from my eyes.
Jake: Leviticus 18:22 Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.
I shiver, my entire body quaking as I try to catch my breath. The darkness is suffocating. Infinite. Swallowing me whole.